Completely Changed

by Kamisa Cole

  My cell vibrated in my pocket as if Nina had felt me thinking about her. “What’s up?” I asked cheerily, turning away from the wind so she wouldn’t hear I was walking around outside.

  “Is it true that you’re gay?”

  I wasn’t sure if I should be answering that question when we’d been checking out guys together for years. “I… I mean… Explain to me briefly why you thought I was rating guy’s asses with you for years? And why I didn’t panic when you found your Yaori-addiction, making me read along and draw them for you?”

  “I thought you were just being an epic best friend,” she shrieked. “I thought you were simply cool with it!”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose, realizing the people who’d been with me every damn day for the last ten years had not known that I was gay. “Why did you think I had boners all the time?”

  There was silence for quite a while, then she cleared her throat. “I thought you were into me. Like… that you got them for me. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to encourage your infatuation.”

  I kept the groan in as best as I could and then shook my head, even though she couldn’t see it. “No, I’ve known I’m into guys since I turned twelve and Lance Cory announced he had the biggest dick of anyone. I got my first boner then. I’ve never stated anything else, nor have I ever liked a girl. Hell, you even hung out with me and the guys I dated. Granted, none of them were serious-serious, but…”

  She sniffled on the other end. “But… I thought you were just friends. You never groped them, and never held hands with them or anything. You weren’t gay for a long time.”

  I couldn’t do this, not on top of everything, not now. “Listen, Nini, I have to let you go, okay? I’m on my way to buy groceries, so… I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

  That was if I found a place to stay where I could charge my phone, because I doubted Gage would allow me to at work.

  “But I need to know why you’re suddenly gay and no longer in love with me.”

  How had I never noticed that my best friend was as self-centered as she was now showing herself to be? “Bye, Nini.”

  I didn’t let her answer and turned my cell off after the call. Besides the fact that I needed to preserve the battery as much as I could, I didn’t know anyone else I wanted to talk to.

  Or rather, the one person I suddenly felt the need to call I couldn’t because I didn’t have his number. Then again, I didn’t know what Gage thought about relationships at work, and I needed this job more than I needed to be close to Kash.

  My feet carried me through the streets and, although I could go anywhere because I had nowhere to be, I didn’t go far from DiverCity. It didn’t matter that I’d most likely need a place to sleep where I’d actually sleep, for now the bar was my anchor point and that was what I’d stick close to.

  “Still looking good, hotshot.” The announcement from a woman a little further down the road made me look up, just because I wanted to check out what type of guy had drawn their attention, and my mind jolted to a halt. As if he’d been conjured from my fantasies, Kash stood not too far away, checking himself out in a window front.

  He grinned at the women and then continued on his way, deeply in thought.

  “Did you find any gray hair, old man?” I teased, because outside of the bar and in a little less pain due to the righted shoulder I suddenly found my footing again. Yes, I’d been vulnerable when he’d knelt in front of me, and I still felt that way when he came to a surprised stop, but that didn’t mean I had to let him see that.

  His expression morphed into an emotionless mask as he met my gaze and it nearly made me falter. “There are none to find,” he snapped, and I realized I’d hit a sore spot.

  “I didn’t mean to insult you. I was teasing, Kash.” His name felt good on my lips and thinking about murmuring that in the privacy of a bedroom made me forget my misery for a few precious minutes. “You’re not old. I mean, you’re barely a year over fifty.”

  If he reacted as negatively as he had a few seconds ago, I’d never tease him again, but… A small smile spread on his lips.

  “Careful, Baby Boy. I’m not usually a nice guy. Don’t test me.” Sadly, the smile didn’t last long. “Let me walk you home. You’re battered enough for one day,” he offered and, when I involuntarily stiffened, something flashed in his eyes. “You do have a place to sleep tonight, right?”

  I lifted my chin even though it didn’t make me taller than he was. In fact, I hardly reached to his shoulder, and if he wanted to he could tug me under his chin, even though I was six foot one. “Of course.”

  He nodded, and I knew he’d seen through my lie. “Good, then let’s go.”

  I gritted my teeth. “I don’t need you to escort me. Hell, I don’t need you to look out for me, I do a great job of that by myself.”

  He stepped in, causing my breath to hitch, and not because I was afraid. He grabbed my arm exactly where the imprint of the other hand was, and I winced. “You’ve been doing a good job. Come on, I have a room for you.”

  And with that he started walking, simply assuming I’d follow him and, for whatever stupid reason, I actually did.

  KASH

  “You’re a stranger, Kash. What makes you think I’d be following you after what happened to me today?”

  I heard him walking after me, but I understood why he’d asked. Which is why I turned to him. “I think you will be coming with me because you can’t go home.”

  Alec flinched yet again, and I knew I’d been right. The need to cup the back of his neck and draw him in to whisper against his lips was nearly impossible to ignore, yet I held myself back.

  I got you, Baby Boy. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them down. What the hell was it about this crazy intense feeling inside my chest? I’d crushed on guys before, and I’d thought I’d been crazy about them, but with Alec it was all different.

  “I don’t want to go back home. Kash, you don’t know anything about me. I appreciate all you’ve done for me and the way you helped me out at the bar, but other than that you don’t owe me anything and I don’t owe you anything in return. I’m not going to move into your empty room.”

  I shook my head. While I had the space at my apartment I couldn’t be trusted with Alec around. Just the thought of having him across from me, lying on my couch…

  I groaned internally. “Don’t worry about that. I have a different place for you in mind, and before you protest, it’s just until you’ve found your own place.”

  I started walking again with a new destination in mind, hoping the discussion was over. I wished I had my car with me, but since it was just a short walk to DiverCity I’d opted out of driving. Now the walk to Nyra’s apartment would take forever.

  “Where am I going to stay then? Is your couch not big enough for me? Worried about me being there with you? I can keep my hands to myself if I want to,” he snapped and, when I realized he was upset because he wouldn’t be with me, I gave him a quick smile. He was carrying a backpack he’d probably stashed outside of the bar, and winced whenever he had to shrug it higher on his shoulder.

  “You’ll be staying with Nyra. She’s from my team, only three years older than you, and she’s into girls.” She was also not a guy. Before my talk to Sav I’d have considered putting him in with Shay because he’d have been able to protect Alec, but now…?

  “Into girls. Are you worried the gay guy would otherwise try to seduce her? You know, I know how to talk to straight people. I’m passing on the offer. I’ll see you at DiverCity tomorrow.”

  He turned away and I closed my eyes, furious with him for being stubborn and with myself for not having realized how that would sound to him.

  “I can’t take you back to my apartment because then I couldn’t guarantee I could keep my hands to myself. God, Baby Boy, you’re hurt and twelve years younger. I shouldn’t even have any improper thoughts about you, and knowing you could be just across the hall, maybe naked on my couc
h… Nope, I can’t do that. You hear me? I cannot do it!” Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that the way I just had, but he deserved the truth and the sooner he realized he and I would never be anything the better for him.

  He stopped, his back still to me, and I fisted my hands. Could I take him back to my place? I’d be able to give him some pain killers, and I’d be there to make sure he’d be putting another ice pack to his face.

  “I’m not a child, Kash.” He whispered those words and I remembered the bruises.

  “Okay, okay, okay.” I rubbed my hands across my face. This was the stupidest idea ever and yet… “Come home with me for tonight, and tomorrow we’ll talk to Gage about what’s best to do.”

  He snorted. “I don’t wanna be a burden. Go home, Kash.” There was defeat in his voice and I stepped around him.

  “What now?”

  He was acting his age and it made me feel so much older. Thirty-one. I’m fucking thirty-one, not fifty.

  “I just need a hot shower and a bed, Kash. I don’t need your hands on me if the thought bothers you that much, and I won’t be begging for it either, because I can get any guy I want without having to…” He shook his head and then combed his fingers through his hair. They were long and slim, an artist’s fingers, and I could just imagine how they’d wrap around…

  Fuck. Abort thought right now.

  Then the rest of his sentence settled in. Getting guys without having to beg for attention. Jealousy curled around my heart, holding it in a vice grip. “You’re acting like… like…” I shook my head. “Forget it. Come on, I’ll take you to my place, and you can have my couch, my shower, and I promise I’ll stay out of your hair. No guys in my apartment though. Now we have rules and you know what’s going to happen, so—”

  Before my mind could catch up with what was happening Alec had pressed his hands against my chest, claiming my lips. I felt the cut in his lip, could still taste the lingering blood, but the rest was all Alec, heady and tempting with a hint of peppermint.

  “What if I want something to happen, Kash? You want me. I saw the way you looked at me back at the bar…”

  I rested my head against his, holding onto him softly for a few precious minutes, then I pulled back. “You’re hurt and confused. I get that you want to replace bad memories with others, but if anything is going to happen between us, it won’t be tonight, or tomorrow. Get back on your feet and then… maybe…”

  It wouldn’t happen because the age difference was too much, but the soft sigh of acceptance was all I needed from Baby Boy right now.

  I didn’t know if my apartment had always been this small, or if the feeling derived from the fact that Alec was walking in behind me. The hallway suddenly seemed suffocating, and I lead him into the living room as soon as I could, surprised when I noticed he’d kicked off his shoes.

  “Cleaning day is Sunday. You could’ve left those on,” I stated around the lump in my throat. That kiss had left me hard as steel inside my pants, and with the swelling going down on his face I began to see the beauty underneath it. He wasn’t small by any means but, compared to me, he wasn’t tall either.

  His shoulders weren’t nearly as wide as mine, and because I’d seen his body earlier, I knew that he was muscled, but on the smaller side. Lean, slender, all breakable boy no matter how often he insisted he wasn’t.

  “It’s just…polite, I guess.” He dropped his backpack next to the couch and I tried to see what he was seeing: used couch, the brown faded in some places, an assortment of shelves and cupboards, a worn-out rug. I’d gotten all of it secondhand because it had smelled clean and looked that way too.

  In fact, I’d never thought much about how my living room appeared to others, mainly because I didn’t have many people over. We worked at night, and during the day we slept. We’d been in the club and event scene since I’d become part of the Craig It Down crew years earlier.

  If I wasn’t working or sleeping, I was in the kitchen. I had no idea why that was my room of comfort but it was. I was sitting at the wide dining room table more often than not. It should’ve been smaller, but the truth was I preferred it big enough for a million papers to be spread out on it.

  “Okay, come with me and I’ll give you something to change into after your shower. Although…” I swallowed, thinking about how that sentence would end.

  Alec quirked a brow. “Although dressing will be useless because you have some magic ointment to make all my injuries go away?” he supplied.

  I shook my head. “No magic involved, just plant power.” I forced a wink. “I have a salve I’d like to spread on the bruises, it’ll help them heal quicker. I’ll put it on as many of them as you’re comfortable with. Also… After I do that I need to wrap your arm closer to your body. You’ll be less inclined to use it if it’s in a sling.”

  He licked his lips. “Fine, if it makes you happy.”

  I led him into the small hall again, walking to its end where two doors led away. The one straight ahead of us brought him to the bathroom. I pointed to over my shoulder. “Couch is yours for the night. I’m across the hall. Go into the bathroom, and I’ll put some clothes—”

  He spun. “I have underwear,” he announced over his shoulder, vanishing into the living room before reappearing with white boxer briefs. My cock stirred, liking the idea of getting him wet in them because then we’d—

  “I’ll be in the kitchen, making you something to eat. Towels are under the sink, and once you’re done find me.”

  And he did. I had no idea why it felt as if I’d missed him in the twenty minutes he was in the shower, but by the time he returned I’d started steak and potatoes almost on autopilot.

  He only wore those white briefs, and they did nothing to temper my need. Still, the bruises all over his body did. I swallowed, my hands trembling as I vanished into the bathroom—warm from his shower—to get the arnica salve I needed. Back in the kitchen I found him reading over the papers there and while I usually hated when someone pried into my thoughts like that, I didn’t mind with him.

  “What are these?” he asked quietly as I brushed some papers aside and made him sit on the edge of the table. Almost automatically he spread his legs, allowing me to step between them.

  “Lyrics,” I whispered. “Okay, now, this is going to be cold. Tell me the second I hurt you.” I kept my eyes on every single blossoming bruise; carefully spreading the salve that I hoped would make them go away faster.

  No matter how much I told myself that this was nothing more than comfort, that he was too young, too pretty for someone like me, my mind catalogued the way he felt under my hands, the skin soft and hot where it was injured. I had to slide my hands across his pecs, my rings catching on a pebbled nipple and as much as I wanted to linger, wanted to explore the almost begging mewl escaping Alec’s lips, I couldn’t.

  I shouldn’t.

  “Pinch it,” Alec demanded softly, and I shook my head, stepping out from between his legs to deal with his back.

  I swallowed against the dryness in my throat, then said, “Get some on the bruises on your thighs.” Whoever had lain a hand on him was going to pay for this one way or another. Every blemish on Alec’s perfect body was embedded in my soul, screaming for me to defend him, to free him of the monster who’d gotten close enough to hurt him like this.

  And even while anger raged inside of me, furious, festering, my dick stood to attention. It didn’t matter how much I was disgusted with myself, it didn’t listen or go down. My hands didn’t stop their shaking, making visible exactly how much it cost me to not draw Alec back now, cup his throat, and kiss the side of his neck. I wanted to be gentle with him, possessive, in every way—and that was why he had to leave as soon as he could.

  “Done. Dress. I’ll put the steak and the potatoes in the oven and then shower, too. You can… Watch TV or whatever. Dinner will be done in about an hour.” I couldn’t look at him any longer, not even when he slipped into the too big sweatpants I’d provided him with, hav
ing them rest so low on his hips that his tempting V made me want to kneel.

  “Okay. Thank you.”

  I tried to ease my breathing, to calm it while I got everything into the oven, then I grabbed a change of clothes for me and entered the bathroom.

  The water was scalding as I stepped under it after getting naked, and yet that didn’t deter my dick. I tried the contrary, but the ice-cold water didn’t do anything for me either. For a brief second I wondered if I could allow myself to jerk off.

  I pictured Alec, all bruises gone, a wicked smile on his face. It didn’t matter that he’d been battered and bruised when we’d first met, that he’d been trying to appear stronger than he probably was right now; I still saw the fire in him, the wild life, the excitement for every day.

  He was bright with life. I could image the smile on his face, wondered if he was the teasing type, and every thought made my dick swell more. I wrapped my fingers around it, deciding that I’d allow myself this once, and then never again. Alec couldn’t be part of my fantasies. He was too young, too vital, and deserved someone of his own age, someone who wouldn’t fear losing him every day.

  I rested my head back, telling myself to get back to the pleasant thoughts, and indulged in the memory of that kiss out on the street, in the way his lips had dominated mine even while he was so breakable underneath my hands. God, I wanted to protect him from the world, give him the chance to shine in all his happiness.

  Alec was probably someone who loved dancing, flirted like crazy, and winked at you, knowing exactly how hard he made you just by being present. I imagined him strutting in here, demanding I give in to him, and then kneeling for me, his slender, long fingers wrapping around me before he’d part his lips—

  I couldn’t even finish the fantasy before my release coated the shower wall and, ashamed because he was injured and right now I should be taking care of him in a purely platonic way, I washed it away.