by Kamisa Cole
“You stay home today. I know you’re okayish and all, but I don’t want you here. We got it. The team is informed. I’m serious, Kash.”
I gritted my teeth, although just a second ago I’d wished for exactly that. “I’m your boss, and leader of that team, and I—”
“Gage made it very clear that he’ll have the team removed if you show up because it would be stupid. So, unless you want to leave DiverCity behind, you better stay away.”
It was the last thing I wanted to do, even if Alec and I weren’t an item anymore. Having seen his father show up, I wanted my team on that bar because they’d watch out for him, no matter what. “Fine.”
Sav sighed, clearly not having expected I’d give in so quickly and easily. “Okay. That’s…surprising. Also… Hold on.”
The line cracked and another voice came on. “Kash, hey. It’s Nash. I was wondering… I’m… You know, I’m not on rotation today and I need to get out of my head. Wanna go and do something crazy like base jumping or sky-diving?”
I blinked at the unexpected offer. Yes, I’d spoken to Nash before, and he was a nice guy, but I also knew he had people who loved and adored him and who’d keep him busy. “Uhm… You know…”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I do. My guys are all at work, and you seem to be a good guy, so… DiverCity is family, and if we want Gage to ever be nice to you I think we need to start making sure he gets used to you belonging to us. So… I’ll pick you up and we can figure out what we’ll do later?”
“What makes you think I care about Gage’s opinion of me?”
“Is eleven good for you? We could go and run somewhere if you want,” he offered, ignoring my question. I couldn’t deny that I liked the idea of being busy with someone who wasn’t Alec.
“Yeah, eleven is good, and I don’t feel like running around here. There’s a forest a little out of town, we could do our rounds there.” Even though most people hated to get back into cars sweaty, I loved the soft ground and the fresh air. I knew running with what I’d been through last night wasn’t the smartest choice, but smart definitely wasn’t me today.
“Good idea. I approve. Text me your address.”
I agreed and then hung up. There wasn’t much I had to do before Nash would get here, but something was in the back of my mind, a nagging thought I couldn’t get a grasp on. To keep myself busy I rearranged the sofa to make sure no trace of Alec was left, then I went and took a shower.
I was tempted to jerk off to the memory of his lips on me. I was, after all, in the privacy of my home, and yet… God, I wished I knew someone who could shed some light on what was been going on. Was he a minor? Only seventeen? I couldn’t take that.
Yes, I could wait but two years was a long time, and I didn’t think Alec would be that patient. Besides, knowing that there’d be a time when he would be actively mine would make the waiting unbearable.
Plus… I’d struggled with the twelve-year-difference between us. It was fourteen now and that made me feel ancient.
Checking the mirror after I slipped out of the shower I almost expected gray hairs to have sprouted within the last five minutes, but when I looked I couldn’t find any. I rubbed my hand across my dark scruff and decided I didn’t give a damn that I needed a shave, the longer it was the more it would hide my bruises.
Walking into my bedroom I was assaulted with images of Alec being here, of everything I wish had happened last night instead of me ending up at the hospital because I’d punched his fucker of a father.
I didn’t glance at the mirror this time when I passed it, knowing my tattoos inside out. Reaching for my sweatpants I realized I was missing my rings. I’d taken them off for the date with Alec—hoping I’d be less of an imposing bad boy and more of a tempting date—and now I needed them to feel like myself again.
Putting them on after dressing I chuckled to myself. Alec had first seen me when I wore them, had probably felt the cold metal against his skin when I’d examined him, and yet somehow, I’d thought I needed to get rid of them for him.
Jesus, what was wrong with me? I was usually the type of man who told you to fuck off if you didn’t like how I looked, and yet…
I wanted Alec to like me. In fact, I wanted Alec to more than like me. And even worse, I still wanted it, despite everything that could mean for me.
I punched the wall when I realized I was already missing Baby Boy, even though he’d only been gone a few hours and we’d never been anything serious. I was set on not talking to him unless I couldn’t avoid it, and that send a fresh wave of pain through my body.
Oh lord, work was going to be fun if I couldn’t talk to Alec, yet had to see him over and over again.
Maybe I should’ve just gone in today, prompting Gage to make sure our team was replaced. Then I wouldn’t have to be at DiverCity again for the next… Let’s say two years.
ALEC
Cam watched me all night, and I couldn’t hide how exhausted I was. It wasn’t just the fact that I hadn’t slept much. It was fighting the need to go out there and find Kash, see him, and remind myself that I’d acted like an idiot the second I was mad at him.
“What happened?” Cam finally asked, and I sighed, stopping where I was cutting some cucumber.
“I… We broke up. I mean, we weren’t even dating, but Kash and I won’t be an item. I need to kiss guys, see what type of men I like and, as much as he’s tempting me right now, I just can’t see this working long term. He’s all serious, all strong, and I’m…” I didn’t know what I was.
Cam swung his legs, his hazel eyes questioning, and yet he stayed quiet. I was glad about it.
“You know, if you think experimenting is all you need…” He hopped down from the counter he’d been sitting on and stalked closer.
I knew exactly what he was aiming at, and I stepped back. I didn’t know what I wanted, and my body hit the counter behind me. “We’re friends, Cam,” I whispered.
He nodded. “And we’ll still be friends if I give you that kiss. You want to have experiences? Let’s get started on it.”
I was opening my mouth to say something when he was on me. There was a glint in his eye, something that probably should’ve made me wary, but I would’ve done anything to distract me from Kash.
Cam’s kiss was different, less intoxicated and much softer than Kash’s. His lips, too, felt different against mine, and the height difference between us strange compared to Kash’s and mine. Either way, this didn’t feel right and I pulled back, lowering my head.
“No, Cam. No. The fact is that we’re friends and I don’t want to ruin anything with you, I… This… No.” I didn’t want him close to me.
He stayed where he was, his hands steady on my hips as he drew me against him before wrapping me in his arms. “You don’t honestly think you can experiment with just anyone, right? Making experiences when all you want is Kash?” he asked, and I shook my head against his shoulder. This was weird, uncommon, unfamiliar, and yet…somehow nice.
“You know, we shouldn’t cuddle,” I whispered, pushing him away.
He snorted, crossing his arms in front of his body. “Girls cuddle all the time if they’re hurt. They hug and hug some more and share a bed in a non-sexual way. Just because we’ve been raised on impossible gender-standards you think it’s not the same for us?” He huffed. “I, for one, love being hugged just for comfort. And you know what? I cry. I mean, I really do, and I don’t feel ashamed about it anymore. People who think I’m a pussy or whatever they want to call it can go and suck off a stranger. Emotions belong to us, and comfort is best given with body heat.”
I met his eyes, swallowing. “You might be right, and that did feel nice, but Cam, I wasn’t raised like that. When I walked in here…”
I hadn’t known hugs in my life, not many at least, and while Nina sometimes would squeeze me tight, I’d never felt the need to be wrapped in someone’s arms just for the sake of it.
Okay, maybe that was a lie because…
Nope,
not going there.
“You were beaten, we know that. You didn’t keep it a secret, and the way Kash is protective of you told us all we needed to know about how bad it was. Hell, I remember your face and I didn’t see the rest of your injuries, however… Experimenting? You cannot see past Kash.”
I rolled my eyes. “Maybe I simply can’t see myself doing it with someone I know? I do prefer to keep the few friends I have, you know?”
He shrugged, clearly having something on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it.
“I’m sorry, Cam,” I whispered because I had a feeling I’d disappointed or hurt him. He arched a brow at me.
“Never ever apologize for speaking your mind or stating your point of view. Never apologize for turning me down. I can be an asset if I want to, and I’m do very well with separating feelings and sex. Always have.”
Watching him, listening to him, I wondered how I’d have turned out if I’d have come out to my father at thirteen and had the chance to be the out and proud gay kid for most of my life. I’d probably have been more open, different, and maybe, just maybe, I’d feel as if I was worthy of Kash.
Then again… “He was going to break up with me, too. End this before it began. I felt it in his kiss, the desperation. I don’t know what happened between me sucking him off in a parking lot and him returning from the hospital.”
“Yeah, no idea. Guy is broody and all mysterious, so maybe he just tries to keep you interested.” Cam didn’t sound as if he believed his own words.
“So, you never told me why Kash had to get involved yesterday, and Gage kinda dismissed me too. You know, with us being cuddle buddies and comfort huggers and all… Was this about me?” And how in the world could it be? And if it had been, why wasn’t Kash telling me?
What wasn’t Kash telling me?
“Alec, this is a bar. We have issues regularly. And this is also a gay bar, and a bar everyone, non-straight and straight alike, visits. This includes homo-fuckers, who cannot deal with their closeted longings and lash out. And sometimes a team needs the team leader there. Kash is a good one. It’s the only reason Gage let him stay.”
I perked up at that. “I didn’t think Gage had much say in it.” When I’d first come in I’d gotten the impression our boss had been more than just unhappy about it.
Cam only snorted. “It’s his bar. If he didn’t want Kash and his team, they wouldn’t be here, easy as that. And now… I think the evening rush will be coming soon, so maybe I should finally get onto some cutting, too, huh?” he asked and while again I didn’t get any clear answer, I couldn’t help but agree with him.
KASH
Nash and I had been running for a few miles, and while it came naturally to me despite not doing it as often as I wanted, I was surprised with his ability to keep up. In the end we’d gone back, split up to shower and change and then met for a drink in a bar that wasn’t DiverCity. While it wasn’t that close to us, I had a feeling neither of us wanted to be near work that night.
“So,” he started, and I cocked my head, lifting my beer bottle to my lips.
“Yes?” I prompted as he hesitated.
He cleared his throat, ordering a whiskey that he downed instantly, then he turned to me. “You’re adopted, right? And you’ve known all your life?”
It wasn’t my favorite topic, but I was grown up enough to talk about it. “Sure have. It’s kinda hard to avoid when you’re being told from a young age that their own flesh and blood would be reacting differently. And, you know, that I was hard to love when even my birth mother abandoned me.”
And yet, here I was, still being bitter about it.
He licked his lips, scratching the back of his head, leaving his dark curls mused.
“What’s going on?” I prompted, realizing for the first time since we’d met up this morning that it wasn’t just that he didn’t have anyone to hang out with, but that he’d picked me for a reason.
“I talked to my mom about you, like… How I can’t imagine growing up knowing that there was no one I belonged to, and how I have a feeling that… ah… You know… I need more to drink.”
And I had a feeling I needed to drink with him. When he signaled for the bartender this time I told him to make it double and give me one, too. “Do I want to know why you talked to your mom about me? We’re thirty-one. Not exactly teenagers.”
He shook his head, twirling the whiskey in his glass for a moment before tilting his head back to empty the tumbler. “No, we’re not, but I love my mom and always share everything with her. Basically, it just came up because holy shit, being gay is hard a lot of the time, and being adopted is too. You had to deal with both, and I cannot imagine… I don’t know what I would’ve done if my mom hadn’t supported me through everything. She had been buying rainbow shirts before I ever came out to her because she knew what I didn’t want to admit. Anyway, this is about…the…way she froze up when I mentioned you being adopted.”
And by the way his shoulders tensed I knew he hadn’t liked what had happened afterwards. I didn’t say anything though, just nodded for another whiskey. We both could catch a cab home and I felt as if this evening needed the strong stuff.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen her as uneasy as she was at that moment. She hadn’t been like that when I came out, or when I asked her for tips on how best to suck dick. See, that’s how close we are. She researched all about gay sex, taught me about proper prepping and about saying no if I didn’t want something. She taught me about condoms and condom sizes, made sure I washed my sex toys properly. She did all that, but she never once was strong enough to admit that I wasn’t her son.”
He shook his head, the hurt clear in his voice, and yet I could tell that he still thought of her as his mother.
“You are her son, Nash. She raised you. She loved you through everything. You just said so yourself. Being adopted worked out differently for you. Tell me you heard her out.”
He shook his head, and I wasn’t really surprised. I wouldn’t have finished listening to her if I had been in his shoes.
“How many people have you told?”
He swallowed and then met my eyes, his dark gaze haunted. “No one. I just… I feel like I’m no longer myself, and that I mean literally. My parents were what defined me, and now…”
A tale as old as time, the struggle to decide if genes or the environment was what influenced you the most. Were you pre-programmed to be a certain way, or did the people around you create who you became?
“You’re still Nash. You’re still their son, their family. That doesn’t change, especially at thirty-one. You know who you are, what you want in life.”
He gritted his teeth, and while it was hard to see through the beard, I recognized the movements of his lips, his cheeks.
I looked like that whenever I gritted my teeth.
“So, you’re saying at thirty-one I’m too old to have my world shaken?”
I cocked my head, registering the challenge in his eyes, the silent protest, and wondered what I was missing. “I’m not saying that. I’m just saying you didn’t suddenly stop loving them and they haven’t stopped loving you. Also, you didn’t lose your family. They’re still there, ready to go through this with you I’m sure,” I assured him, patting his shoulder.
He swallowed, exhaling slowly as if he wanted to say something else, wanted to admit to more things, but then he shook his head. “Gage said we need to look out for Alec more. Maybe you should take him to your place until his father is dealt with properly,” he suddenly suggested, and I probably would’ve ignored the topic change if he hadn’t mentioned Alec’s name.
“Nope, not taking him anywhere. Alec and I aren’t anything, and I… Nash…” I shook my head.
His eyes narrowed. “What happened? We aren’t dumb, Kash. We can see the sparks. I’ve been lighting the club’s lamps with them,” he joked, and I took a deep breath.
“What if he’s a minor? And not just under twenty-one, but under eighteen?
”
Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that. I didn’t know Nash any better than I knew Gage or the rest, but I had a feeling I could trust him, and my gut was right ninety-nine percent of the time.
“That would suck ass, dude,” Nash muttered, and it was at that moment that I knew he and I would turn out to be great friends.
KASH
Being back at work was different. I didn’t need to think about why when everyone was watching me as if I was about to explode. I wasn’t, but that didn’t help the team’s dynamics. It was a slow evening, with me manning the floor inside and Savage on the door. The afternoon had already been deader than dead, but it seemed Gage and Xane had welcomed it, rearranging some furniture, cleaning the bar more thoroughly than they usually did during the day, and putting on horrible music.
While the evening crowd at least was bigger, it wasn’t big enough to miss the commotion by the door. I saw Savage coming in, wondering what in the world he was doing inside the bar when he should be staying outside, keeping asses away.
He went straight over to Gage, and once he said his first words Gage’s eyes swung to me. I started to make my way over to them when the bar owner shook his head and followed Sav outside.
I lifted my hand, talking into my mic. “Sav, what’s going on?”
There was no answer and I tried again with the same result. I crossed over to Xane, who was staring at the door, and I leaned over the bar. “What’s going on?”
He shrugged, his icy-blue eyes still on the door. “Didn’t hear Sav over the music. There’s something in the air though, and it’s not your foul mood.”
I arched a brow while he grinned, his gaze wandering over the fifty or so patrons spread out inside. I didn’t sense a threat from anyone, even recognized a handful of regulars, yet I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave the bar with only one man on duty.
“Can you get Cam from the back to be up front with you while I…” I trailed off as the door opened again and Gage walked back in, his face set into a menacing scowl.
