Loving an Ugly Beast (Fairy Tales & Ever Afters)

by Danielle Monsch

  Nissa shook her head and pulled back. “You don’t understand. We made love last night, at least I thought it was making love, but this morning he saw me like this, and he ran away.” The last words were said under choked sobs, and she placed her hands over her face. She caught her breath again, and said in a strained tone, “Wouldn’t it be irony if all this time I held him at arm’s length because I wasn’t pretty enough, and then when I finally give in, I discover that he’s attracted to the other me and now that I look like this he isn’t attracted to me at all and doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”

  “That was too much for someone who gave birth less than twenty-four hours ago to follow, but I think I got your meaning. Nissa, Benton loves you. Period. No questions about it. End of the line and for all time.”

  “Then why did he leave me?”

  Marie exhaled sharply. “Do any of them make sense? I don’t know why he did, and it was a shitty thing to do. I swear I’ll grab the fireplace poker and smack some sense into that skull of his. But you need to let him explain.”

  Nissa didn’t say anything so Marie pressed forward. “Again, it wasn’t right, but this is a confusing time for him as well as you. You’ve both had a lot of changes and a lot of shocks in a very short period of time. It would throw anyone off. Give him some breathing room. I promise you, I promise, Benton could no more leave you than he could his heart.”

  “I didn’t know Nissa had a cousin – and you also named Nissa!”

  Nissa glanced around the tavern hall, praying a guest would signal her to their table so she had an excuse to leave Councilor Hale. Every time she made the slightest motion to leave he would come up with another conversational angle to keep her there. What was worse, he kept trying to “accidentally” stroke some part of her body with some part of his.

  “It’s a family name, Councilor. There are at least six more family members named ‘Nissa’ that I know of. And we’re a small clan who has stayed in a little town. Nissa is one of the few who ever braved forth, and now me.”

  “A shame about her mother.” It was as good a cover story as she and Marie could concoct at such short notice. The “other” Nissa went back to her family to take care of her dying mother, and this Nissa came to stay and help.

  Actually, “this” Nissa was going to go to the cabin and talk some sense into a big, hulking idiot male who had been avoiding her for three days, ever since he left her there.

  She sighed. Yes, he was avoiding her, but to be fair, she was avoiding him as well. As much as she wanted to believe Marie’s thoughts on the subject, she had felt a little too raw to risk confronting him. But that changed today. If there was one thing this little Byron adventure taught her, it was the stupidity of not being honest with her feelings.

  Nissa turned her attention back to the conversation. “Yes, Aunt Dawn is a wonderful woman, and she’ll be so happy to see my cousin again.”

  “It was good of you to stay to help your cousin so she wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving so suddenly. Does this mean there is no young man anxious for your return?” Hale gave her a look that he probably thought was sexy and inviting, but under even the best of circumstances she would think he was suffering from a mild bout of constipation.

  While she didn’t want to encourage him, she didn’t want to get on his bad side. With the return of her old face the habits she’d spent her earlier life acquiring came back quick and easy, including the way to handle men. “Well, Councilor, I’m afraid I can’t part with all my secrets at once. We need to leave something for our next conversation.” And with a smile that held friendliness with only the barest edge of flirtation, she walked off.

  She made her way into the kitchen before allowing herself the shudder that built up throughout the conversation. The bad parts that came with being an attractive woman were already starting again.

  Men were coming into the tavern to see her, all of them acting like Hale with what they thought were witty come-ons. She wasn’t afraid of it getting out of hand, but that didn’t stop it from being annoying.

  More worrisome was her teaching position. Madam Pierce’s manner was frost personified when she was told the cover story. When Nissa volunteered to take over the teaching responsibilities for her “cousin,” the stern woman merely gave a tight-lipped smile and said in a sickeningly-sweet voice, “Such a kind offer, but we will see. Perhaps with Nissa gone it may be a good time to vet other candidates. There has been some interest lately.”

  Old witch. No one else had ever shown interest in the job.

  Joseph came over to her. Thankfully, her good friend had not changed his attitude toward her since her revelation. He was so in love with Marie and his new son that outside of the immediate shock, he had no other reaction to her new looks. “Business is booming because of you.”

  She smiled at his attempt at humor. “I’m glad to keep your son in diapers.”

  He smiled back at her, but the movement was brief and nervous energy began to pour from him. “I need to tell you something about Benton.”

  “Is he okay?” He couldn’t be hurt. He wasn’t allowed to be hurt when they had so much unresolved between them. Nissa grabbed Joseph’s upper arms. “What happened?”

  “Calm down, Benton’s fine. I’m sorry I didn’t say that better.” He extracted her hand from his arm and held it between his own. “Benton is fine. This is something of a more personal nature.” He swallowed hard and looked around the kitchen, obvious in his desire to look at anything but her. “Benton came to talk to me. He wanted to know who had hurt you. I told him”

  “You did what?” Nissa ripped her hand from his, holding it against her body as if he had physically hurt it. “You had no right to talk about that.”

  He gave a loud exhale and forced his gaze to meet hers. “I had to tell him.”

  She shook her head. “No, you didn’t. You should have left it be, just as he should have. That was a long time ago in another life.”

  “It isn’t another life anymore, Nissa, not now that you are back to your original body. It’s the past of this life, and all you can do to the past is face it, fix what you can, and move on. Benton is fixing what he can.”

  “It wasn’t any of his concern.”

  Joseph laughed at that, the laughter given to a joke so cruel it was almost shameful to find it funny. “Benton has every right to know. It’s a man’s pride and his privilege to care for his woman, at least any man worthy of being called a man.”

  Nissa’s arm slashed through the air in agitation. “You know what he’ll do.”

  “Good,” said Joseph, teeth bared. The kind, loving husband was gone, and in his place was a warrior who lived for the scent of blood. “I would lose all respect for him if he didn’t. You know who Benton is, Nissa. Do you think he, of all men, would let such harm against his heart go unpunished?”

  “I gotta get out of here.” Nissa grabbed her coat and fled out the back. A cascade of thoughts and images flooded her brain, and by the time she had them sorted enough that reality could once again impress upon her, she found herself in front of Benton’s cabin.

  No sign of life existed. It seemed Benton had acted quickly on the information he got from Joseph.

  She wandered over to her tree, the grass beneath the canopy of leaves starting to brown. She wanted Benton back. She wanted them to be beneath this tree. She wanted him to make love to her until it was physically impossible for him to continue, and then she wanted, finally, for him to read to her. That was the extent of the level of excitement she wanted from her life from now on, at least until their children arrived to give her gray hair with their dares and spills. That was her definition of a happy life.

  She turned to the lake, and there, standing at the shore and looking out over the calm water, was an older lady, her gray hair pinned up.

  Sara?

  Before the conscious thought materialized, Nissa was already running toward the woman, picking up her skirt. “Sara,” she called out. “Sara!”
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  The grandmotherly woman turned, displaying pink cheeks and laughing eyes. When Nissa was within shouting distance, Sara called out, “Good heavens, child, I would have waited for you. No need to wear yourself out.”

  Nissa pulled up next to her. Her heart was going to burst out of her chest and her lungs would never get enough oxygen again, but it was Sara. After all this time, Sara had returned to her.

  She stared at the fairy godmother, using her breathing as an excuse to take an extra moment to clear her jumbled thoughts. It was probably best to start safe. “You granted Benton’s wish?”

  Sara smiled, bringing her hand up to cup Nissa’s cheek. “Of course it was me. I would never trust your happiness to anyone else.”

  Nissa took in the grandmotherly woman, wanting to bury herself in those surprisingly strong arms again. “Sara, I turned back.”

  Sara smoothed the black mass of hair away from Nissa’s face. “Of course you did. Your wish had been granted.”

  “But you never told me I would turn back again.”

  Sara studied her for a moment and then took Nissa’s young, unlined hand into her own. They walked several minutes around the lake before Sara said, “Do you remember the wish you made that night?”

  Nissa shook her head. “I only remember bits and pieces. I remember…- I remember I wanted you to take it away.”

  “Yes, that was your first wish, but I told you no magic could do that. Do you remember what you said afterward?”

  “No, that’s one of the blank times.”

  Sara stopped and faced them both toward the lake, where the setting sun reflected the most harmonious mix of red and gold to paint the clear blue of the water. “You said, ‘Then hide me until I’m strong again’.”

  The bugs were starting to come out. Nissa swept her hand in a lazy pattern in front of her to displace the first wave of insects. “I feel confused and anxious and scared. I’m not sure that translates to strong.”

  Sara smiled, a smile that hinted at secrets behind secrets. “Few people are truly strong alone. It’s only when we are with the person we trust with everything we are that we find true strength. That’s the strength needed to not only endure, but to overcome and make everything around us better.”

  “Benton,” Nissa said, and Sara inclined her head, a benediction upon the realization. “But why did I have to change back if Benton liked the other Nissa?”

  “Because this is the real you. This is who you are meant to be, just as Benton could never be comfortable as Byron.” Sara pulled her cloak tighter around her shoulders. “That other face wasn’t you, and it’s a fundamental truth you can’t hide forever. You shouldn’t want to.”

  “How was she not me? This isn’t the same situation as Benton where the magic changed parts of his personality. The other Nissa versus me, the only difference is looks.”

  Sara shrugged. “It’s not that simple. Yes, you are right. The other Nissa was you. She had your humor and your compassionate nature and your stubborn streak – all of those were the same. But she was also a shield for you. You used her to keep away from the world and to keep the world back from you.”

  That was a truth undeniable. Even today she had wished she was the old Nissa in the tavern. Perhaps it was time for the crutch to be set aside. “So I’m brave now? Then why does the thought of confronting Benton terrify me?”

  Sara’s voice was warm and maternal. “What are you scared of?”

  “That he’s left me. I’m scared that I turned into Beauty, but this is one time she isn’t wanted by the Beast.”

  Sara rested her hand on Nissa’s shoulder. “He gave up his world for you, and then he threw away his only chance at living in regular society to protect you. He’s fighting your dragons even now. Do you think anything can turn that man away from you? You give him far too little credit. If his relationship with you was nothing but looks, the minute I transformed him he would have been on a quest to bed any woman he could. He never even looked at another woman.”

  “He saw me and he ran away. How am I supposed to take that?”

  Sara waved away the concern with a motion of her hand and a twist to her lips. “Child, there is one thing you need to realize when dealing with men – they are all emotionally stunted. On their own they bollix everything up, so you need to take charge. Sit Benton down, explain to him what the rules are, and then before he can make any protests throw him on the bed and don’t let him out until the only words he can speak are ‘Yes, dear’.”

  Nissa choked at the older woman’s forthrightness. “Sara!”

  “Do you love Benton and does he love you?”

  Sara’s question cut through the cobwebs and the gray sticky mess that had been strewn inside her head. Yes, and yes. They were the simplest words in the world, but it was no less true because of that. Yes, and yes. “Next time I see Benton I’m laying down the law and grabbing him by the ear.”

  “I was thinking lower, child.”

  Chapter Ten

  Two weeks later, Nissa took one look at the now-filled woodshed next to the tavern and knew Benton had returned. Pausing only long enough to tell Joseph where she was heading she set off for Benton’s cabin.

  She banged the door as she entered his bedroom. He looked up but there was no surprise in his gaze. He was shirtless, his clothing lying on the bed.

  They stared at each other for several moments until Nissa decided to break the stalemate. “Nathaniel stood up in front of the entire class yesterday and apologized for his recent behavior. After class, came up to me to ask specifically that I tell you what he did. Any idea what happened?”

  “None.” His voice and face were still. He could have been talking to a stranger for all the regard he gave her. Maybe Sara and Marie were wrong. Maybe—

  No. No more playing. It was time to take Sara’s advice. This was going to get sorted out. He loved her, and she would convince him he would get used to this new body and become attracted to her again. They’d been through too much together for their story to end over something as meaningless as looks.

  Nissa squared her shoulders. Her voice firm, she said, “This stops now. Everything you’ve done these last few weeks – Byron, and facing my past for me – you can’t tell me you don’t love me. And I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long I can’t even remember when it started, but I do know it won’t end until the day I die and maybe not even then. So this distance ends now. I’m sorry you don’t like me now. I would do anything to be attractive to you, but I can’t change back. But I know you can learn to live with it and accept me.”

  He stared at her like she was insane. His deep voice went even an octave lower. “You’re gorgeous. You are perfect. Men kill to be with women like you. How can you think for a moment I don’t find you the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen?”

  “Wait, you like how I look? You’ve avoided me! You left me naked in your bed and ran out like demons from hell were after you. Why would you put me through all that if you thought I’m attractive in this form?”

  His eyes roamed over her, and a spark of heat flared within his gaze before he looked away.

  Wait. What?

  She rubbed her eyes, trying to process this. Benton was attracted to her, that look in his eyes confirmed it more surely than his words could have. But his words said she was beautiful.

  That she was perfect.

  Just as he called the other Nissa perfect.

  “Benton, are you upset that you find me attractive?”

  His jaw clenched and anger stole over his features. He turned away from her, his muscles tensed for flight or fight.

  Benton was the most loyal man she had ever known. He loved the old Nissa and told her she was perfect.

  A man like that, wouldn’t he be upset if he thought he was betraying those words? And if he found this new body prettier than the old one, that’s how he would feel, wouldn’t it? Like he was betraying her.

  Betraying her with her.

  It wa
sn’t that Benton didn’t like the way she looked. Benton liked the way she looked now too much. Benton was turned on by her, and he felt guilty.

  Only Benton could inspire her to fall deeper in love with him while simultaneously inspiring in her the desire to choke him. That was for later. Right now, she needed to get him past this. They had a life to start together, and she was tired of putting it off.

  She took a step forward, close enough that she could run her finger down the length of his spine. “Did I ever tell you the first thing that attracted me was your body? I love big men. I love muscles, and I love standing next to a man who makes me feel delicate and fragile.” Her mouth slid over his warm skin and she took in the sharp inhale of his breath at her touch. She breathed in his unique smell. “I won’t lie. Your face took some getting used to. First it was a little scary, then as we spent time together I didn’t mind it, but I didn’t dream about it either. But this body… from the first moment I saw you this body made my mouth water. I didn’t want to do anything with it – that urge took a while to form – but by the heavens I have always loved looking at your body.”

  “Nissa.” He started to turn but with steady hands she held him still.

  “When I started feeling affection for Byron, I felt a little guilty. I liked him very much. I never loved him, but he was becoming an important person to me, one I wanted to be with. But when I looked at him, I always had this stab of disappointment that he was so slight and slender. He had a nice face, but his body never sent shivers through me, or made me wet at the thought of the opportunity to run my tongue over him.”

  Benton swallowed hard, his head turning to look at her over his shoulder. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I would have eventually come to love Byron. Not in the way I loved you, but I would have fallen in love with him. I would have been happy with him, and trusted him with my body, and been grateful he came into my life. But no matter how much I loved him, he would never be able to fully turn me on. He didn’t fit my ideal.”