It Gets Better

by Dan Savage

  Think about it this way: Imagine you are a rubber band and right now you are pulled taut. You have all this potential energy building up and you are going to go so far once your potential is unleashed on the world. I know that sometimes the stretching hurts, it feels like you’re going to break, but please just hold on. You can make it through this, and once you’re let go you’re going to fly so far.

  The important thing to keep in mind now is that there is an end in sight. It is there. A better life is in your future and you can make it there. I believe in you. You have the power to be happy in your life and you are going to do amazing things. So please, please, please remember: It will end. It will get better.

  And I love you.

  Brinae Lois Gaudet is a first-year student at the University of Wisconsin majoring in “undeclared.” She likes alphabetizing, British actors, Finnish metal bands, grammar, Harry Potter, the Internet, nerdfighteria, Star Trek, and your face. It’s freaking gorgeous.

  GOD BELIEVES IN YOU

  by Bishop Gene Robinson

  CONCORD, NH

  I know that many of you might be feeling in a dark place right now because religion and religious people are telling you that you are an abomination before God. Maybe you’re growing up in a Roman Catholic household and you hear from your Church that you are intrinsically disordered. Or maybe you’re growing up in a Mormon household or a Southern Baptist household and you’re told that somehow your life is not acceptable to God.

  Well, I want to tell you, as a religious person, that they are flat-out wrong. God loves you beyond anything you can imagine. And God loves you the way you are. I am an out and proud gay man, who is also the bishop of New Hampshire. A bishop in the Episcopal Church. I am living proof that it gets better. And that it is getting better.

  Growing up in a fundamentalist congregation, I heard and believed that God found me unworthy of His love, even unworthy of the same respect accorded other human beings. Yet I became the first openly gay and partnered man ever to be elected to the office of bishop in the worldwide Anglican Communion. That is astounding proof that it is not only getting better for LGBT people in the world, but also in the Church.

  You can have the life that you hope for because God hopes for that kind of life for you, a better life. If you want a partner, or when marriage equality comes—and it will come—you can have a husband or wife and live together and make a life together. If you want children, you can have children. And you can be a great mom or dad.

  God loves you the way you are. God doesn’t want you to change. God doesn’t want you to be cured or healed, because there’s nothing to be healed from. You are the way you are, the way God made you. And the way God loves you.

  It gets better, I promise. And it is getting better all the time. Things are changing. So if you’re considering hurting yourself, please don’t. God wants you to live in the light of God’s love and that light will take away all of this darkness. So hang in there. Be strong. And know that despite the messages you get from religious people, God loves you beyond your wildest imagining and only wants the best for you.

  In 2003, the Episcopal Diocese of New Hampshire elected Gene Robinson to be its ninth bishop of New Hampshire. In addition to leading his diocese, Bishop Robinson has been a leading advocate, nationally and internationally, for LGBT rights. In January 2009, he was asked by Barack Obama to pray the invocation for the opening inaugural event at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC.

  LA PERSONA POR LA QUE VALE LA PENA LUCHAR, ERES TU

  de Alex R. Orue

  Sé lo difícil que puede ser de crecer en un lugar con mentalidad cerrada. Soy un chavo latino y gay de diecinueve años, vengo de la Ciudad de México. Y aunque vengo de una de las ciudades más progresivas en Latinoamérica (en el sentido legal), estos valores no aplican a la sociedad como un todo. No hay duda de que México ha progresado mucho en asuntos de derechos humanos en años recientes, como al legalizar el matrimonio gay y las adopciones homo-parentales. Aún así, a pesar de los avances, la religión y los valores tradicionales aún influyen enormemente en la sociedad Mexicana, especialmente en las generaciones anteriores.

  Crecí en una familia políticamente diversa. La familia de mi mamá es muy liberal y la de mi papá es muy conservadora y muy católica. Por esta polaridad, nunca tuve el valor de decirle a mi familia que era gay. En la escuela, las cosas eran muy diferentes. Desde la primaria, la gente parecía que sabía que yo era gay mucho antes de que yo mismo lo supiera. Y como resultado, la escuela fué muy difícil. Cuando los niños encuentran algo con que burlarse de alguien, molestan y abusan una y otra vez.

  La Secundaria y la Preparatoria, fueron mejores etapas para mi, aunque no por razones de las que este orgulloso. Como dice el dicho: “Si no puedes con el enemigo, únetele.” Y eso fué lo que hice. Aprendía ser duro. Le entré al juego, y sí, fuí cruel con la gente, aunque nunca un gandaya. Me burlaba de la gente pero nunca por lo que eran, solo por lo que decían o hacían. Aún así no estoy orgulloso de eso. Supongo que muchos de ustedes entenderán. Si uno no le entraba al juego, era suicidio social. Y muchos de los gandayas no se detenían en los insultos; incluso suelen llegar a la violencia física.

  Después de la graduación, me mudé a Canadá, para estudiar la carrera y he estado viviendo en Vancouver por casi dos años. Es totalmente diferente aquí. Viviendo en México casi toda mi vida, siempre recibí el mensaje de que ser gay estaba mal. Que era malo. Que era una enfermedad. Que ser gay significaba que eventualmente me enfermaría de SIDA. Que significaba que era un pervertido.

  Pero viviendo en Canadá, es totalmente distinto. Recuerdo que la primera vez que fui a la calle Davie (el área gay del centro de Vancouver) ví a gente, parejas gay, tomadas de la mano y besandose en público. Simples gestos como cosas que heterosexuales dan por hecho. Cosas normales. Viviendo aquí he aprendido de yo mismo y a dejar ir todos esos tabúes, todos esos miedos que he cargado conmigo desde muy niño.Y ahora, afortunadamente, soy abiertamente gay. Mi familia lo sabe y las cosas han mejorado desde entonces.

  Me imagino que muchas otras personas tienen historias más difíciles y otras más fáciles. El punto es que no podemos dejarnos llevar por las cosas y personas negativas en nuestras vidas. Hay mucha gente retrograda en el mundo, y desafortunadamente, algunos de nosotros tenemos que dejar nuestros lugares de origen en orden para vivir abierta y honestamente. Tenemos que viajar lejos, como yo lo hice. Pero las cosas mejoraran eventualmente en todos lados, y a nivel individual, las cosas mejoran una vez que uno es capaz de vivir honestamente con uno mismo y con aquellos nuestro alrededor. La familia eventualmente te aceptará y al final verás quienes son tus verdaderos amigos, aunque termines contándolos con los dedos de una sola mano.

  Para ver las maravillas que esta vida te tiene preparado, tienes que vivir. Y a veces la mejor venganza contra aquellos que te insultaron y te hicieron sentir mal, es vivir bien.

  Eventualmente encontrarás a esa persona que te hará feliz y a quien harás feliz.

  Pero para que eso pase. Tienes que aguantar.

  THE PERSON WORTH FIGHTING FOR IS YOU

  English Translation by Alex R. Orue

  VANCOUVER, BC

  I know how difficult it can be to grow up in a narrow-minded place. I’m a nineteen-year-old, Latino gay guy from Mexico City. And although I come from one of the most progressive cities in Latin America (in a legal sense), these values do not run through the society as a whole. There’s no doubt that Mexico has made a lot of progress on human rights issues in recent years, like legalizing gay marriage and adoption by gay couples. Yet despite these advances, religion and traditional values still have an enormous influence on Mexican society, especially among older generations.

  I grew up in a politically diverse family. My mother’s family was very liberal and my father’s was very conservative and very Catholic. Because of this polarity, I never had the courage tell my family I was gay. At school, things were totally different. Even in elementary school, people seemed to know that I
was gay before I did. And as a result, school was really difficult. When kids find something about you to make fun of, they will tease and bully you over and over.

  Junior high and high school were better for me, though not for reasons I am necessarily proud of. As the saying goes, “If you can’t defeat your enemy, join them.” And that’s what I did. I learned to be tough, I played the game, and yes, I was cruel to other people, though never a real bully. I would mock people but never for what they were, just for something they had said or done. Still, I’m not proud of it. I suspect many of you might understand. If you didn’t join in and play by their rules, it was social suicide, and a lot of the bullies didn’t stop at insults and name-calling; they resorted to physical violence.

  After graduation, I moved to Canada to attend college and have been living in Vancouver for nearly two years now. It’s totally different here. Living in Mexico most of my life, I’d always gotten the message that being gay was wrong. That it was evil. That it was an illness. That being gay meant that I would eventually get infected with the AIDS virus. That it meant I was a pervert.

  But here in Canada it’s totally different. I remember the first time I went to Davie Street (the unofficial gay Village of downtown Vancouver). I saw people, gay couples, holding hands on the street and kissing in public. Simple gestures like that, things that straight people take for granted. Normal things. Living here I’ve come to learn about myself and let go of all those taboos, all those fears, I’ve carried around since I was a kid. And now, fortunately, I am openly gay. My family knows and things have gotten better ever since.

  I imagine lots of other people have stories that are more difficult, and others that are easier. The point is we cannot let ourselves be dragged down by negative events and negative people in our lives. There’re so many bigoted people in the world, and unfortunately, some of us have to leave the places we are from in order to live openly and honestly. We have to travel away, like I did. Eventually things will get better everywhere, and on an individual level, things do get better once you are able to be open with yourself and those around you. Your family will eventually accept you, and in the end you’ll see who your real friends are, even if you can count them all on one hand.

  To see the wonders this life has prepared for you, you gotta live. And sometimes the best revenge against all of those people who insulted you and made you feel bad is to live well.

  Eventually you’ll find that person that will make you happy and whom you’ll make happy, too.

  But for that to happen, you gotta hold on.

  Born in Texcoco (just outside Mexico City) in 1990, Alex R. Orue grew up as the first of three sons of a successful entrepreneur/ businessman and a dedicated mother. With a little incentive from both parents (and a personal interest in travel), he moved to Vancouver, Canada, after high school. He is currently studies at Langara College in the psychology department and he also volunteers at Friends For Life Society.

  A MESSAGE FROM ELLEN DEGENERES

  LOS ANGELES, CA

  I was devastated over the death of eighteen-year-old Tyler Clementi. Tyler was a bright student at Rutgers University whose life was senselessly cut short. He was outed as being gay on the Internet and he killed himself.

  Something must be done. There have been a shocking number of news stories about teens who have been teased and bullied and then committed suicide, like thirteen-year-old Seth Walsh in Tehachapi, California; thirteen-year-old Asher Brown in Cypress, Texas; and fifteen-year-old Billy Lucas in Greensburg, Indiana. This needs to be a wake-up call to everyone that teenage bullying and teasing is an epidemic in this country, and the death rate is climbing.

  One life lost in this senseless way is tragic. Four lives lost is a crisis. And these are just the stories we hear about. How many other teens have we lost? How many others are suffering in silence? Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you.

  My heart is breaking for their families, their friends, and for our society that continues to let this happen. These kids needed us. We have an obligation to change this. There are messages everywhere that validate this kind of bullying and taunting and we have to make it stop. We can’t let intolerance and ignorance take another kid’s life.

  I want anyone out there who feels different and alone to know that I know how you feel. There is help out there. You can find support in your community. If you need someone to talk to or if you want to get involved, here are some organizations doing great work: The Trevor Project (at 866-4U-TREVOR) is a twenty-four-hour national help line for gay and questioning teens. And Angels and Doves is a nationwide anti-bullying nonprofit organization (www.angelsanddoves.com).

  Things will get easier, people’s minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.

  Ellen DeGeneres’s distinctive comic voice has resonated with audiences from her first stand-up comedy appearances through her hit syndicated talk show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show. The show, now entering its eighth season, has recently won the Daytime Emmy® for Outstanding Talk Show. In 1997, DeGeneres was the recipient of the coveted Peabody Award and earned an Emmy® for writing the critically acclaimed “Puppy Episode” for the sitcom Ellen, when her character came out as a gay woman to a record 46 million viewers. In 2008, DeGeneres became the newest face for CoverGirl and had the honor of hosting the highly rated seventy-ninth Annual Academy Awards. She is the author of two bestselling books, The Funny Thing Is . . . and My Point . . . And I Do Have One.

  LIFE UNFOLDS EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD (BUT NOT AS YOU PLANNED)

  by Sean Blane and David Rosen

  OTTAWA, ON

  Sean: David and I are gay. And while we’re in our forties now, we were teenagers once, and we know that it’s not that easy to be gay. Role models can be hard to come by, especially in very small town like the one I came from. The only gay people I saw were on 1970s TV sitcoms. (Three’s Company, really?) I didn’t even know that being gay and having a normal, fantastic life was an option then. I just figured that this was a phase I’d grow out of, you know, like my ’80s hair products. Well, Jack Tripper got canceled and now my hair is a lot shorter. Somewhere along the line I knew it was going to get better. The first sign was probably when David and I met each other when we were about twenty-five years old. We’ve been together for almost twenty years now. We’ve both got good jobs; I’m a diplomat with the Canadian government and David’s a doctor, and we’ve been lucky enough to have traveled all over the world. It’s sometimes hard to see when you’re in high school that you are as good as everyone else. Today, I think being gay’s a gift. You might not realize it at the moment but it makes you special, it makes you adaptable. It gives you the ability to be successful because you have developed a lot of skills most people never acquire at such an early age. You learn how to read people; how to be an observer; how to be empathetic. But first, you’ve got to get through some tough parts.

  David: High school can be pretty tough. It’s hard having to pretend you’re something that you’re not. And it can feel like it’s never going to end. But it does. Once you leave high school and move on to the next phase, you will come in contact with all sorts of cool people who are just like you, people who will accept you for who you are. Sean and I were both worried about telling our families we were gay. We couldn’t have been more wrong! Our parents joke that we need to get married. So far we’ve put them off, but we did give them grandchildren. We have two children, now six and ten, whom we adopted when they were babies. Never did either of us imagine in high school that we would be gay and parents. It’s true, you have to weather some pretty difficult years but those experiences have their rewards. That’s why there are so many creative, amazing gay people. They’ve all withstood the horrible stuff and made it through to the other side. The other side is pretty great.

  David Rosen is an anesthesiologist, and his partner, Sean Blane, is a consul with the Canadian government. But their lives are really defined not by their jobs but the
ir roles as dads to their two kids. They still pretend to be cool but carpooling and soccer practice are making the memories of circuit parties and fabulous dinners a little distant. Nevertheless, their kids have already declared they will elope with future spouses rather than dealing with their dads as wedding planners with a 1990s point of reference.

  IT GETS BETTER FOR A BRITISH SOLDIER

  by Lance Corporal James Wharton

  LONDON, ENGLAND

  I’m twenty-three years old, and I’m an openly gay soldier in the British Army. Just over ten years ago, gay men and women were not allowed to serve in the armed forces. In fact, in 1998 alone, 298 people were discharged from the army simply because they were gay. This figure is greater than the losses sustained in the Falklands and the first Gulf War.

  With the help of Stonewall, the ban on gay people serving in the military was lifted in 2000. For people like me, the progress that has been made in the last ten years has been truly life-changing. I can now be myself and be open about who I am, whilst doing the job I love.

  This year I celebrated my civil partnership within the barracks of the Household Cavalry Mounted Regiment and was featured on the cover of the British army’s official publication, Solider Magazine, as an openly gay man.

  It was in 2005, at the age of eighteen, that I decided to come out. I had been in the army for two years at that point and felt ready, felt confident, to tell people the truth; I was gay. In 2007, I served in Iraq with my regiment for seven months, and whilst I was in Iraq I was able to operate more effectively because I could be myself. I didn’t have to hide who I was. I didn’t have to lie about who I was.