Hunting BLind: It's Every Family's Deepest Fear

by Richardson, Paddy

  Stephanie smiles. ‘So even though you were disappointed you’d try to look after everyone else’s feelings?’

  ‘Yeah, well, we’ve talked about that, haven’t we? But sometimes Mum would get really upset anyway, and I’d hear her crying and she’d have to stay in bed and Dad would have to do everything. Me as well when I got a bit older.’

  ‘Did you or your dad have any help?’

  ‘Not really, though Granny came and stayed for ages after Gracie was born. That was when I was almost nine. Before Granny came Gracie used to cry a lot and that would start Mum off as well. I used to have to take Gracie out in her pram to try to settle her down while Dad looked after Mum. I’d be walking along the road and Gracie’d be screaming her head off.’

  Like a little mother. Steph is just like a little mother.

  ‘You were only a little girl. That must have seemed a huge responsibility for you to deal with.’

  ‘I never really thought about that. I just wanted Gracie to stop crying and for Mum to be all right. But when Gracie got a bit older, for a while anyway things did get better. Mum joined one of those Pentecostal churches. She started talking about God all the time. Before that if something terrible came on the news when she was feeling bad she’d get really upset, like it was happening to her. After she got into the church she’d talk about bad things as if there was some plan involved, as if she actually believed they happened for a good reason. It was as if God was kind of overseeing everything so she didn’t have to worry about it any more.’

  ‘How did you feel about that?’

  She grins wryly. ‘About the church? She got me along as well and I didn’t like it that much. I was only a kid but I couldn’t really believe in it. But at the same time Mum was a lot happier and that made everything seem much better.’

  ‘You didn’t mind going because it made your mum better?’

  ‘Not too much. Dad joined too. I think he felt the same as me, just so relieved Mum was better that he’d go along with what she wanted, and for a while everything was great. Dad started his own business and it went really well. We got the new house. Mum kept saying our lives had turned right around because of finding the church and finding the right path. Everything was different. We had friends and, and people came for dinner and Mum was well. It was like everything had turned out okay after all. We’d miraculously changed into a normal family.’

  ‘You were happy with that?’

  ‘The church, well, all that clapping and singing, it made me really— really uncomfortable. When they started that talking in tongues I felt scared, to tell the truth, and these church ladies, you know they were so, so in your face fucking sincere, you know what I mean?’

  She’s silent. That expression on her face, reflective, questioning, and Stephanie can almost see the thoughts whirring about in her mind as she discards and analyses. She’s so smart, Beth, so smart. She’s going to find her way, make something special, something great from what she’s taken from this place and oh Christ, oh shit, she’s going to miss her so bloody much.

  ‘There was something else, though. I don’t know how to explain this properly. Mum was functioning much better than she ever had before. Before she went to the church, some days she couldn’t even manage to fold the washing, some days she never made it out of bed and now she was doing everything, even helping Dad with his accounts. But I felt at times like something wasn’t quite right. Sometimes she seemed so caught up in what she was thinking about it was like she didn’t seem to see that you were in the same room.’

  ‘So although everything seemed so much better you weren’t altogether certain of how your mum really was?’

  ‘I felt kind of guilty that I wasn’t feeling just grateful about her being better. I didn’t know if I was seeing things like they really were or if I was imagining things, inventing things. This guy Mum and Dad were friends with, he was around our place a lot and I didn’t like him. I didn’t like him being there but Mum made me feel bad about that, like I was jealous of him.’

  ‘Jealous?’

  ‘Because of Holly. She was his girlfriend and I suppose I was a bit jealous because I thought of her as my own special friend. But— I thought he was creepy, I must have been thinking about him a lot because I had this weird idea I heard his voice the night we lost Gracie. That couldn’t have happened. I must have been dreaming.’

  ‘His presence in your house made you that uneasy?’

  ‘I liked Holly a lot. She was always so kind to me. I thought of her as a best friend. You know what it’s like when you’re a kid and someone older makes a fuss of you. I thought she was too good for him, far too good.’

  ‘That’s why you felt on edge?’

  ‘It wasn’t only that.’

  She’s silent again, her head down, her fingers tracing around the pattern on her skirt. She holds her head up straight, looks directly at Stephanie. ‘This is hard to say but I have to face it.’

  ‘Take your time.’

  ‘I didn’t like how he was around Mum. I saw something. What, what happened every evening while Mum got dinner ready is that Gracie’d be watching TV and I’d be in my room getting my homework done. Anyway, this day I had my period and I had bad cramps so I went into the bathroom to get some Panadol but there wasn’t any left in the packet. I needed to ask Mum if she had any in her bedroom. The kitchen door was shut and I remember thinking that was a bit weird because Mum hardly ever shut it. I pushed it open and they— This guy Ward and Mum. They were, they were standing up really close together and they jumped apart like in some bad movie or something. I just stared at them. I couldn’t quite work out what I’d seen and I didn’t want to ask about the Panadol, I was really embarrassed about periods then and so I walked out again. Mum acted like nothing’d happened. She just came out of the kitchen and set the table but her face was red and I saw her hands shake as she put out the table mats.’

  All the adults were drinking wine and Stephanie was allowed to stay up late to watch movies with the other kids who came. Some of them went to sleep on the floor but Stephanie stayed awake. When it got very dark she went to the window and looked out. Minna was dancing with Mr Peters under the fairy lights. Minna was laughing. Then Mr Peters’ head moved in close and Minna was still laughing with Mr Peters’ face up close, still laughing while she listened to what Mr Peters said. But then Minna’s head jerked back and her body went still and she stopped dancing, stopped laughing and went inside, she opened the door that led off the deck into the kitchen and closed it behind her.

  And Stephanie looked out into the dark and Mr Peters stared at the door for a moment then he turned and went over to the table with all the drinks on it. Stephanie carefully stepped over all the sleeping kids on the living-room floor and walked through the door and across the dining room and looked through the glass that partitioned off the kitchen and the dining room, she looked through it to see if Minna was all right.

  All the lights were off, in the living room, in the dining room, in the kitchen, everywhere, but Stephanie could see. She saw Minna there in the kitchen with him.

  He had his back to Stephanie but she could see his hands on Minna, his face pressed against Minna’s face.

  ‘It, it could have been nothing, you know? But it seemed— just too big for me to deal with. I felt like I should tell but I knew it would upset everything if I did. I tried to pretend it never happened.’

  ‘It seems you had very good reason to dislike this man, Beth.’

  ‘He was a teacher at my school. All the kids thought he was so cool. Dad thought he was this great mate. But I couldn’t stand him, almost right from the start. There was something. Maybe it was only ever me that felt this way but I thought he was—’

  ‘Fake? You thought he was fake?’

  Her voice sounds faint and slightly breathless. Beth looks at her in surprise.

  ‘Yeah, fake. But— Are you okay? You look—’

  ‘I’m fine, Beth. Just a bit hot in this room, that’s
all. So you say that almost from the time you first met him you didn’t trust this man?’

  ‘I suppose he was quite good-looking in a way. All the other girls at school said he was. But it was so obvious he knew that, he knew he was good-looking. It just, it all just got to me, I used to think about it all the time, like about him and Mum and if I’d made a mistake, kind of imagined the whole thing. It was worse after Gracie got lost. I’d go over and over everything in my head. All that stuff about if I’d opened the door. And about thinking I heard his voice. Because I couldn’t have heard it. Not in the middle of the night. I told Mum I thought I heard Ward Black’s voice that night and she looked at me like I was evil.’

  ‘Ward Black?’

  ‘Yeah, that was his name. Mr Black.’

  After Beth leaves, Stephanie locks her office door, sits motionless at her desk and gazes through the window at the rhododendrons. Fat buds, intermittent eruptions of red, yellow, pink; another few weeks and they’ll be smothered in flowers.

  Ed Black. Ward Black.

  Edward Black.

  The words there on her tongue. How old was this man? What did he look like?

  Was it him?

  She never liked him; how he acted like the kids at school were mates, how he used to call out hey buddy to her. She said to Minna once, trying to get her on her side, gauging, she supposes now, what Minna thought of him he’s such a fake, such a try-hard, Mr Black, pretending to be so cool, pretending to be our age. And Minna shrugged don’t know why you’ve got your knickers all in a twist over Ed Black, he’s not so bad.

  Knickers in a twist. Knickers in a twist.

  It made her so angry, angry and sick and uncomfortable and she yelled at her that’s disgusting and Minna laughed.

  But it couldn’t be him. It’s too much of a coincidence.

  Isn’t it?

  She locks her office door behind her. It’s still early, there’s work she should do, a patient she should check up on but she has to leave. She has to go home. Back to that dismal place. Home? She has no home.

  The sky’s murky, a wind has sprung up and she feels fat beads of rain start to drive against her head, against her body. She’s walking anywhere, nowhere. She doesn’t know what to do, where to go.

  What does it mean? What does it mean? That is, if it’s him. He made friends with Stephanie’s family, with Beth’s family, had something going on with Minna, with Beth’s mother. Though what was going on? There’s no evidence to say it was anything more than a brief fumble. Bored housewives; good-looking young teacher, momentary lapses of judgment. But if it’s true, if it’s true, that Ed Black is in fact Ward Black then he had similar relationships with two families. Which is nothing at all out of the ordinary, except in both families little girls went missing.

  No. She didn’t like him. All right, she actively disliked him, but he couldn’t have, he just couldn’t have done that. He was conceited, a bit of a sham but he couldn’t have been— He couldn’t have. Not that.

  Could he?

  Gemma drowned. That’s what they’ve settled on; that’s what the family believes.

  Gemma drowned.

  She wanted Minna to have a baby girl, she wanted it so badly, asked her over and over, do you think it’ll be a boy or a girl? Minna used to laugh at her, tease her yeah I think it will be a girl or a boy, Steph. And then it was Gemma, Gemma Marie Anderson. Stephanie was overjoyed, so excited we’re equal now, three boys, three girls in our family. She loved the miniature dresses, the perky bonnets, little shoes, loved to smooth this baby sister’s soft fuzz of downy hair with the special brush; making her pretty, making her so pretty. She wanted to teach her everything; how to balance on a bike, how to dance. She wanted to teach her to swim. She was going to be there that first day Gemma made it out to the buoy.

  Gemma. Oh Gemma. That way she picked her way over the stones leading down towards the lake, clutching Stephanie’s hand, the pink inflatable tube patterned with mermaids around her waist. Her firm, loved little body, the rounded belly, slim shapely legs, the cut-outs of tan at the top of her neck and lower arms and legs, the pure whiteness of the rest of her skin. The way she bent over in the bath so Stephanie could pour warm water over her head, washing away the shampoo. The curve of her back, the outline of her spine. Her trust. That the water wasn’t too hot, that the shampoo wouldn’t sting her eyes.

  That trust.

  Images from Med School. Damaged children. Close-ups of bruised little legs and arms. The cigarette burns, swollen faces, broken bodies. The instructor explaining the injuries in her matter-of-fact, precise voice. How the injuries had most likely been inflicted, explaining the procedures when child abuse is suspected and believe me, you will experience this during your future careers. Those words and images she’d tried to block from her mind.

  Gemma drowned.

  It’s raining properly now, solidly beating down. She’s in a park, crouched on the grass, rain pelting and gushing over her body, her hair. The rain is like ice and she can’t stand, can’t move, there are sounds coming from her mouth, forcing their way out of her throat gagging, almost vomiting, no no no no.

  The police will help her. The file on Gemma’s still open. But what would she say? She thinks a man may have been involved in two cases of missing children except the file is closed on the second missing little girl because they said it was an accident?

  She has no evidence. She has nothing. Yes, she can just see herself bursting into the police station soaking wet, hair and clothes streaming and shoes squelching, her voice stuttering it out— could she even articulate what she thinks could have happened?— her voice stuttering out nonsense.

  Where was Ed Black that day? Where was he? The sky, the lake, the umbrellas, the kids, the rugs. Where was he?

  Lisa.

  Lisa’s bikini is yellow. She has a wide, white hat pulled down covering the top of her face. He lies beside her. He’s looking towards the lake. He’s drinking beer out of a bottle.

  Was he there when they couldn’t find Gemma? Did he help look for her? She doesn’t know, remembers only parts of the rest of that day, flickering like cuts out of a film, some fitting together, some there haphazardly out of context. Passing Nick Baker. Into the changing rooms. Through the pines, across to the car park.

  Why didn’t she hurry? If she’d hurried could she have found her in time?

  The Pattersons. Mr Peters watching them. Dad driving up. Minna’s hoarse, frightening cries.

  She takes the next day off. She has a headache that won’t let up. She lies shivering in bed.

  21.

  For once she’s on time. It’s 11 a.m. and the café is starting to fill. Stephanie and Minna sit at a table near a window. The café is below ground level and people are passing by them up on the pavement. Minna peers up, critically narrowing her eyes. ‘Everyone’s in black,’ she says. ‘Black, black, black.’

  Stephanie is also in black. Her black woollen coat, her black skirt, her black flat shoes. ‘It’s easier,’ she says.

  ‘Easier?’ Minna raises her eyebrows.

  ‘Not everyone’s obsessive about their appearance,’ Stephanie says.

  ‘Who’s obsessive?’

  They order coffee. Stephanie a flat white, Minna scrutinises the menu, asks for a long black but with milk, separate please, and cold milk, okay?

  They’re silent. Stephanie glances up at the people passing. Minna picks up her cell phone, looks at a text message and switches it off.

  ‘You’d think the people in the office could look after things while I’m away. I’ve had six messages today already. Next time I go away I’m leaving my cell at home.’

  ‘Nice to be indispensable,’ Stephanie says tartly.

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Exactly what I said. Nice to be indispensable.’

  ‘What are you saying, Steph? Because what I think you’re implying is I’m not necessary to you.’

  ‘I think you’re being over-sensitive. Anyway, you’re not, a
re you?’

  Minna takes a deep breath. The waiter comes with the coffees and she picks up her cup. ‘I was pleased you asked to meet me.’

  Stephanie shrugs. Already she can see this is a mistake. Though she hadn’t really expected Minna still to be in town, she phoned her out of desperation, needing answers, needing to talk. But already they’re locked in hostility – did she ever get on with her mother?

  ‘So why did you want to meet? If you’re angry with me and you don’t really want to talk, why put us both through it?’

  ‘I thought maybe you might want to ask about Greg and Dave when there wasn’t anyone else around.’

  ‘I know how Dave is. I know Greg’s okay. I talk to them.’

  ‘How often? Come on, just how often do you talk to them?’

  ‘Look, Steph, I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. You know perfectly well Greg’s doing just fine and your Dad’s happy. He’s got Esther now and they’re quite a little family. I’m okay with what he’s doing, he’s okay with what I’m doing. Everyone’s moved on.’

  ‘But I haven’t?’

  Minna’s turn to shrug. ‘You haven’t. It’s not doing you any good either.’

  ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘You’re an adult. You need to get over it and get on with things.’

  ‘That’s your philosophy in life, isn’t it? Get rid of anything you’re sick of and just leave it behind you.’

  ‘Why don’t you lighten up a bit? I was hoping we might have fun together. What about one of those chocolate brownies? How about we eat something yummy and go do some shopping together?’

  ‘I can’t believe this. You’re telling me to have chocolate to make me feel better?’

  ‘Yeah. Yeah, I am, because I’d like you to stop being so bloody serious and aggressive. When’s the last time you actually had any fun?’

  ‘Have fun, keep it superficial. That way nobody can ever say their feelings might be a little hurt.’