Worth the Risk

by Jamie Hill

  The look in his eyes told Sarah her comment stung. Sam stepped out and climbed the stairs to the loft as she got in her car and started it up. She didn't like hurting him but she needed to be truthful. Mandy was her number one priority and always would be. She didn't know how she'd lost track of that fact recently, but somehow she had.

  Heading over to Doug's, she scoffed at herself. What made her think she was entitled to have a life? When her daughter got out of high school, or maybe college, she wouldn't need Sarah so much anymore. Then perhaps she could have a life. But right now her time belonged to Mandy—only to Mandy.

  * * * *

  Sam locked the loft door behind him and grabbed a beer from his fridge before sitting on the sofa in the dark. The yellow glow from the damned back porch light lit up the room enough—he certainly knew how well it lit up the backyard. He envisioned himself from the fifteen-year-old girl's point-of-view, spread out on the steps with his dick hanging out and his pants down around his ankles. Holy shit. No wonder Sarah appeared mortified.

  How much did the girl see? She definitely saw her mother, sweater around her neck, tits bobbing in the breeze. But had she seen her mother with her face buried in Sam's crotch? With Sam so into the act, he wouldn't have known if the devil passed through on his way back from Georgia and stopped to play a song on his fiddle.

  Sarah was into it too, he recalled fondly. No one ever gobbled him up with such abandon before. And after, she cleaned him so thoroughly he didn't even need a shower. His beautiful church-going widow definitely concealed a repressed, hot vixen. Now that this had happened, he wondered how much more repressed she'd become. He truly hoped he got the chance to draw her back out.

  Sam downed his beer and thought about getting another one, but he knew it would make him groggy this late at night. He couldn't rest easy knowing Sarah was in trouble. He thought about calling Bailey's house, but it was well after eleven and it didn't seem right.

  Grabbing his keys and cell phone, Sam climbed into the Jeep and drove to Doug and Bailey's. Lights were on and he saw Sarah's car in the driveway. He decided to call rather than go to the door and checked for service before punching the phone number up on his cell.

  Bailey had told him Perry only recently got a cell phone tower, and most people in town still didn't have the portables. She had finally convinced Doug to get one when her due date drew near, but none of them were in the habit of using them yet. It still seemed strange to him. He used his constantly in the city.

  Listening to the soft ring, he tried to figure out what to say when someone eventually answered. There didn't seem to be a big hurry.

  "Hello?” Bailey finally picked up.

  "Bailey, it's Sam. I'm worried about Sarah and wondered what's going on."

  "This is not a good time,” she replied softly.

  "I know, and I'm sorry to call so late. But I'm sitting in front of your house and I can see all the lights on. Are they still arguing?"

  "Oh yeah."

  "Is it bad?"

  "The worst I've ever seen. Doug is furious, Sarah is freaked out and Mandy's being an unreasonable little child."

  He chuckled grimly. “I don't suppose I could do anything to help."

  "Oh no! Please don't come in. They need to work this out."

  "I feel like it's sort of my fault."

  "Um, yeah. There's a lot of that going around. Whatever you do, promise me you won't tell anyone I brought you here especially to meet Sarah. I might lose my family over it."

  "It can't be that bad."

  "Oh yes it can. Promise me, Sam."

  "Okay, I promise, for now. If things should work out for Sarah and me, I'll have to tell her somewhere down the line. I won't keep secrets from her."

  "Somewhere down the line, I can live with. If things work out for you and Sarah? The story we're getting is she was sucking your dick. Sounds like things are working out just fine."

  Sam rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Give me a break, here, will ya? I don't need your shit on top of all this."

  "Aw, I'm just joshing ya. I'm happy for you buddy, you know I am. And I'm happy for Sarah. I think it's been a long time for her, and speaking from experience, that sucks."

  "From experience, you say?” Sam teased his old friend. “In college there didn't seem to be a dearth of guys after you. Didn't they call you ‘Back-door Bailey’ because someone was always coming or going?"

  She laughed again. “That's not why they called me ‘Back-door Bailey', and you know it. And really, thanks for reminding me of my depraved youth. Makes a mother-to-be feel so special."

  Sam smiled. “You're all right, kiddo. You're going to make a great mother. Now tell me what I should do about Sarah."

  "Go home, Sammy. Give her some space and time. This too shall pass."

  "Ah, wise words. You make that expression up?"

  "Yes I did, all by myself. Good night, Sam."

  "Good night, Bay. Thanks.” He disconnected the call and looked into the house. Wishing he could be there for Sarah but knowing he couldn't, Sam drove back to the loft.

  * * * *

  Sarah couldn't imagine a more embarrassing predicament. Doug had warned her about Mandy's hysterical behaviour and he was dead on. Sarah hadn't seen so much drama since her last trip to the theatre.

  Doug wasn't helping matters, with his ‘reproachful parent’ attitude. Bailey tried to be the voice of reason, but it was hard to hear a soft tone over Doug's scolding and Mandy's sobs.

  "Please try to calm down.” Bailey put a hand on her husband's chest. “It'll be better for Mandy if you do. Please, honey."

  Doug paced the floor, taking slow, deep breaths.

  Bailey sat next to Mandy and comforted the girl. “Shhh now,” she told her niece. “Stop crying. This isn't the worst thing in the world."

  "Maybe not for you!” Mandy cried.

  Sarah reached for her daughter and Mandy pulled away. “Don't touch me!"

  "Good grief,” Sarah muttered, and dropped into a chair facing the others. “Look, I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what else you want me to say. I made a mistake, I see that now. I won't let it happen again."

  "How many times have you made this mistake, Mother?” Mandy snapped at her. “With how many men?"

  "I always thought you were more responsible than that,” Doug muttered.

  "That's enough!” Sarah stood up, feeling an angry flush spreading over her. She'd let them vent for almost half an hour, but how much more did she have to take? Glaring at Doug, Sarah spoke with as much control as she could muster. “I've always been responsible, and you know it. I became responsible for you when our father walked out and mom worked all the time. I was responsible for Ron when his illness left him barely able to move for months. And I've been responsible for Mandy all these years, to the point of being overprotective. Don't ever tell me I'm not a responsible person.” She turned away from him, willing herself not to cry. She muttered under her breath, “Maybe it felt good to lighten up for a few minutes."

  "It's all about feeling good, isn't it, Mother?” Mandy said snottily.

  Sarah faced her daughter and, using the same steely tone, replied, “You will not speak to me that way. I've been the best mother I possibly could to you, putting you first every moment of every day. I'm sorry if I tried to grab a little happiness for myself. As I said, I won't make that mistake again. I see now it needs to be all about you, and what you want. Well, pull yourself together, little girl. We're going home."

  "I won't!” Mandy clung to her uncle. “Don't make me go! I don't want to see him!"

  "He's not going to be at our house,” Sarah told them. “Come on, Amanda, it's late and you have school tomorrow."

  "No! Please don't make me go!” She hugged Doug.

  He looked at Sarah. “She can stay here tonight."

  "You are not her parent.” Sarah glared at him. “I still decide the best thing for my daughter."

  "Doug...” Bailey tried to intercede.

  "Mayb
e you haven't been making the best decisions lately,” Doug replied quietly.

  "Damn it!” Sarah spun away from them, trying to regain her composure.

  "Where's this swearing coming from?” Doug questioned. “It's not like you at all. None of this is like you."

  "Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do.” Sarah stared at him and then looked at Mandy. “Are you coming with me or not?"

  "No,” the girl spouted.

  "Fine. Then get yourself to school in the morning. And you can forget about the youth group conference, you're not going."

  "What?” Mandy looked horrified. “You can't mean that!"

  "I most certainly can. I made a mistake and you won't accept my apology or try to forgive me. I'm not going to reward that kind of behaviour.” Sarah gathered up her purse and keys.

  "Mother!” Mandy sobbed.

  "Good night.” She looked at her sister-in-law. “I'm sorry about this, Bailey."

  "Me too,” Bailey said softly and gave Sarah a quick hug. “It's going to be okay,” she whispered in Sarah's ear.

  Sarah nodded and, without a glance toward Doug or Mandy, walked out.

  She felt furious but didn't know who she was most angry at, Doug, Mandy or herself. She had brought this whole mess down on them by her reckless behaviour with Sam. Thinking about Sam for a moment, Sarah recalled the look in his eyes when she said she didn't care about him. He appeared stricken and miserable, pretty much how she felt now.

  At twelve-thirty she pulled into the driveway and made her way up to the house. She was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but as she began turning off the lights she heard a soft tap come from the back.

  She saw Sam on the porch and opened the door slowly. “It's late."

  "I know. I saw you come home alone. How's Mandy?"

  "Being pretty unreasonable. She wouldn't leave with me, she wanted to stay at Doug's."

  Sam shrugged. “Maybe it's for the best. Everyone needs to cool down."

  "You seem pretty cool.” Sarah looked at him.

  Smiling sadly, Sam held his hands up. “I wanted to be there, you know I did. I even called and talked to Bailey, and she said I should stay away."

  Sarah nodded. “You do need to stay away, Sam. Mandy and I have to get through this."

  "When she leaves on her trip, she'll have time to think. I'm sure—"

  "She's not going,” Sarah interrupted. “I told her tonight she isn't allowed to go. She needs to be here with me, so we can work this out."

  Sam looked stricken. “Sarah, I don't agree. Tonight was unfortunate, but it wasn't that big of a thing. She needs to get on with normal life and get over it."

  Sarah couldn't believe what she heard. “Not that big of a thing? I guess you didn't spend the last hour getting raked over the coals. It feels pretty big to me. And I think it feels pretty big to my daughter. She and I have a lot of talking to do."

  "So she doesn't want to go on the trip anymore?"

  "She wants to go, but I won't let her."

  "I'm sorry.” Sam shook his head. “I really think you're making a mistake. If you force her to stay here, how receptive is she going to be about talking with you? I think she's going to be pissed, and I don't think you two will talk at all."

  Gripping the doorjamb, Sarah said, “Well, I think you want her to go so you can get me into bed, and that's not going to happen. Things are up in the air right now, and I need them to settle down before I can make any decisions."

  He gave her a cool look. “I see. So I'm not capable of coherent thoughts that don't involve me getting laid? I can't be concerned for you or Mandy? My only motive must be getting a good fuck?” Turning away from her and heading for the loft, Sam muttered, “I thought you knew me better than that, Sarah."

  "I don't know you at all!” she called after him angrily. “We've known each other less than a week! How would I know your motives?"

  He paused and glanced back at her. “You know me, Sarah. I'm actually amazed at how well we know each other in such a short time. You're just scared of taking that next step and you're pulling away from me."

  "But Mandy—” she began.

  "It's not Mandy. It's you. You're scared, and that's okay. But if you don't get past that fear, if you're not willing to be strong and move forward with me, how will you ever know what we might have had?"

  She stared at him, furious, not wanting to listen to his words. He twisted things up and confused her. He just wanted them to have sex, and she knew it.

  Something inside her lurched as she realised it was what she wanted too. Why do I resist him so much? “It seems risky,” Sarah finally said.

  Sam gave her a small smile. “What if I'm worth it? What if we are worth the risk?"

  Sarah watched him as he turned and trudged up the stairs to the apartment. She closed the back door quietly and locked it, then turned off the lights and went to bed. She wasn't sure she would sleep, but she needed to try.

  * * * *

  Her Tuesday workday dragged. Sarah spoke with Bailey on the phone and knew Mandy had made it to school, though she was tired and complained about going. Bailey also admitted that Doug was embarrassed and feeling remorseful about his outburst the previous night.

  "He should be,” Sarah told Bailey. “It's not like he's ever been a prude. Before you, he had his share of women parading in and out of the loft."

  "Thanks,” Bailey replied teasingly. “That's so nice to hear as I'm sporting forty extra pounds in my ninth month of pregnancy."

  "I'm sorry.” Sarah felt a little guilty, taking her irritation out on Bailey instead of Doug, who deserved it. “But like I said, he dated lots of women and I never chastised him for it. I let him live his own life."

  "Doug is struggling with that. He knows you're entitled to have whatever relationships you want, and he likes Sam, he really does. He's just not sure any man is good enough for you."

  "He needs to chill out and quit acting like my father. Heaven forbid Mandy should begin to date."

  "Um, yeah. He already told Mandy she can start to date at age thirty-two. Not sure where he got that number, sounds a bit random to me."

  Sarah chuckled. “Lord help your daughter, Bailey. She might as well become a nun."

  "He's already sent for the papers,” Bailey teased again before her tone became serious. “He's sorry, Sarah. He's going to tell you himself, but I'm not sure when he'll work up the nerve."

  "I'm still a little miffed at him, but I'll get over it.” Sarah took a deep breath and then sighed. “If Mandy shows up at your house after school, please send her home. I'm taking off early so I can meet her there. We need to talk."

  "About the trip? She was heartbroken when you said she couldn't go."

  "Yes, about the trip. I might have been hasty when I said that."

  "It's a church thing, after all..."

  "I know, I know. I suppose I'll let her go. I don't need to be stirring things up with the Lord right now. We need all the good karma we can get."

  "Karma? Wrong religion! Isn't that a Buddhist thing?” Bailey chuckled. “Sounds like Sam's been preaching to you."

  "Sam's not Buddhist,” Sarah said. “He just thinks everyone should play nice and get along."

  Bailey laughed again. “Sam's a hippie, born a few decades too late. He's got some interesting ideas though. Maybe he's got you confused."

  "You can say that again,” Sarah mumbled, thinking, no truer words were ever spoken.

  She took off work early and met Mandy at home after school. “How are you doing?” Sarah asked when she walked in and saw her daughter staring at the TV.

  Mandy shrugged. “Okay, I guess."

  Sarah flicked off the set and sat down across from Mandy. “We should talk."

  Her daughter simply stared at her.

  Sarah stared back and finally said, “Attitude isn't going to help you, here, so think very carefully before you speak, please."

  Mandy sighed and crossed her arms. “I was embarrassed
last night."

  "Well then, that makes two of us. Actually, three. Sam was embarrassed too."

  "I don't care about Sam!” Mandy exploded. “I wish he'd just leave and go back where he came from!"

  "I'm afraid that's not going to happen. He's here for at least the two months of Bailey's maternity leave, maybe longer. You're going to have to get used to him."

  "He's weird. Dee says he's an aging hippie."

  Sarah couldn't hold back her laugh. “He's thirty-something, Amanda. I guess when you're fifteen that seems ‘aging', but really it's not."

  "Mother!” Mandy sprang up and paced around the room. “That's not the point."

  "What is the point?” Sarah asked softly, thinking she probably knew the answer to that already.

  "I didn't like seeing him with you."

  Nodding, Sarah stood up to face her daughter. “I know you didn't, and I'm sorry. I told you last night you're my priority, and I meant it.” A thought occurred to Sarah and she spoke it aloud. “I'm not sure that means I can't get a little enjoyment out of life."

  "I don't understand.” Mandy looked at her.

  Sarah ran a hand through her daughter's silky blonde hair. “I know you don't, and that's okay. It's something I need to work out."

  "With Sam?"

  "Maybe.” Sarah shrugged. “Time will tell."

  Mandy picked at her fingernail nervously. “While you're figuring things out, do you suppose that I could—"

  "Yes,” Sarah said quickly, and smiled.

  Mandy looked up at her. “Go to the youth group conference?"

  "Yes.” Sarah repeated, nodding, and held steady as her daughter dove at her for a hug. “I shouldn't have said you couldn't go. I know it's important to you and it'll be fun.” It might be good for you too, she thought to herself. Mandy could use the distraction, and Sarah could use the time to think.

  "I love you, Mom!” Mandy hugged her tightly.

  "I love you too, sweetheart, more than anything.” Sarah closed her eyes and hugged back with all her might.

  * * * *

  The library stayed generally quiet, especially during the weekdays when Sam worked. When the local teenagers got out of school the place livened up a bit, but from nine to three it was like a morgue. He heard his co-workers whispering about the unusual traffic his arrival generated and he smiled about it. It didn't bother him. Not much bothered him in life, he liked to let things roll off his back and take what might come.