'Til There Was You

by Jerry Cole

  A final glance, a resounding sigh, a nod of his head once in a firm resolve and Finn boarded the plan to India. He wasn’t just leaving Australia. He was leaving any chance he had to be with Austin.

  And truthfully, a part of Finn hoped that when he did come back, that Austin wasn’t single. That life... that wasn’t the kind of life he wanted for Austin. He wanted him to find someone, to fall in love, to settle down and to be happy. If Finn came back and all of that had happened for Austin, then he would truly be overjoyed for his once upon a time boyfriend.

  How far Finn had come.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  It was exactly twenty-five hours after Austin’s phone call with Finn that Austin came to a resounding realization. It was the kind of realization that had him sitting up suddenly, eyes widening, mouth falling open, heart thumping against his chest as the world kind of crashed down around him. How had he not seen this sooner? How had it taken him so damn long? And also, what time was it?

  It was one in the morning exactly, and Austin had been fast asleep. But he wasn’t anymore. He sat up quickly. His eyes were wide. His mouth was open. His heart thumped. And the world crashed. But Austin wasn’t surprised. Not anymore. Not after what had just come to him.

  Austin’s life, and everything that came with it, was infinitely better when he was with Finn. It was as simple as that.

  His writing was better when he had been dating Finn. His self-confidence was higher when he had been dating Finn. He was happier and easier to be around when he had been dating Finn. He enjoyed waking up in the morning, eating, going for walks, doing pretty much anything more when he was with Finn. Even now, successful as he was, living in as nice a spot as he was, as dateable as he was... none of it mattered because he wasn’t with Finn.

  “Yin and yang,” Cassidy nodded his understanding the next morning when Austin explained this to him. He’d barely slept a wink since one in the morning, and it showed in the way he rambled and fidgeted in his seat.

  “Ying and – what are you talking about?” They were at a café for breakfast, but Austin hadn’t ordered a thing. He couldn’t stomach food with the way he was feeling. A coffee only, and that was just to keep him awake.

  “Ying and yang,” Cassidy said again. “That Chinese symbol – you know the one. It’s the circle with the white and black in it. They sort of meld together like a wave and fit perfectly. Nice and snug-like.”

  “I know what it is,” Austin sighed and slurped his coffee. His hand was shaking from how tired he was. “But what does it have to do with me and Finn!”

  “I’m saying that you are not whole without your other half – your yang. And Finn, realistically, isn’t whole without his yin. Apart, the two of you are useless. Together, the two of you are one. Ying and yang.” Cassidy leaned back in his chair and triumphantly folded him arms. But then his breakfast arrived and he yelped excitedly as he tucked into it without so much as a breath.

  As for Austin, he watched Cassidy eat in silence, using the rarity of the moment to ponder on what he had just said. But that was only because it made so much sense.

  Austin had had a few boyfriends in his life, but none had come even close to Finn. And even though at the time he would have had himself convinced that he was in love, it was never even close to what he and Finn had shared.

  And it wasn’t just how sexy Finn was, or how good he was in bed, or how funny and charming he was, or even how well the two got on. It was more than that. It was the way that Finn made him feel and act. It was the way that Austin wanted to be when he was with him. He wanted to be a better person. He yearned for it! Being with Finn literally brought out the best in Austin.

  He had no idea of course if this was the same for Finn. Their phone call two nights ago had been relieving, and had acted as a perfect last chapter to their romance. But it didn’t have to be that way. Finn had sounded happy to hear from him. But he’d also sounded sad, and lost and lonely. He was fleeing the country after all. Was it possible that Finn needed Austin as much as he needed him?

  “What ya thinking about?” Cassidy asked as he shoveled a full sausage into his mouth. It was like he was trying to look as if he were deep throating the thing.

  “Honestly...” Austin furrowed his brow. “I’m thinking that I should move to India.”

  “Good one!” Cassidy threw his head back and cackled at the joke. But then he saw how serious Austin was. “You can’t!”

  “Why not?”

  “Work,” Cassidy tried. “What will you do for work?”

  “I’m a writer,” Austin responded rightly.

  “Ah...” Cassidy pushed his tongue into the side of his mouth. “The language! You can’t speak... Indian? What do they speak in India?”

  “They speak hundreds of languages, but I think you’re referring to Hindi.” Austin was only being half-serious, if that, about India. But arguing with Cassidy was slowly making the idea seem more concrete.

  “That!” Cassidy nodded as if he had just won. “You can’t speak Hindi.”

  “I’ll learn. Or download an app. Or just point to everything I need.”

  Cassidy scrunched his face up, looking like he was about to explode.

  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go?” Austin demanded.

  “Because... because... it’s India.” He scrunched his nose up in disgust. “It’s hot and loud and... and dirty and... I knew a guy that went there once and used a public bathroom. They had to amputate his foot!”

  “Think of all the money he’d save on shoes,” Austin joked.

  “Austin—”

  “I’m kidding!” Austin eased.... even if it was a lie. “Jesus, you’d think I told you I had suddenly turned straight.”

  “You scared me.” Cassidy touched at his chest like he’d just had a heart attack. “India.” He shook his head to himself. “And for what? A man that might not even want you there – I'm sorry to say it, hon. But what if you turned up and he didn’t even want you anymore? Have you thought about that?”

  Austin had thought about it, and truly that was the only thing stopping him from going. Well, that and the logistics of the whole thing. And the fact that he was never one for large romantic gestures and again, the idea that he might arrive only for Finn to not want him.

  But that just seemed so unlikely. Austin had never felt this way about someone before. This wasn’t what he’d had with Freddy. This was... this was real. This was worth fighting for.

  “So, what now?” Cassidy asked once he’d finished eating. “And don’t say going to India.”

  “Don’t worry. I won’t.”

  But the idea didn’t end with breakfast. It became a seed, buried within Austin, slowly growing and morphing into something very real. By the end of the day, Austin was seriously considering it. By the end of the night, it was as good as a plan, and by the next day he’d need to be talked out of it to stop him from going. And even then, it seemed unlikely.

  The old Austin would have never even considered such a thing. It would have been laughable to put oneself on the line like that. Preposterous even! But that was the old Austin. This new Austin existed in a world outside of rejection. This new Austin existed because of Finn.

  It was exactly three days and one night after his call with Finn that Austin made a resounding decision: he was going to India to track down Finn and confess his love. He didn’t care if people thought he was crazy. He didn’t care if it was ‘too much.’ All he cared about was Finn, and he had to let Finn know this.

  “I think it’s a good idea,” Michael had said when Austin called to tell him.

  “You do?” Austin had blinked back his surprise. He thought that Michael, like everyone else, would try and talk him out of it.

  “Why not?” he continued coolly. “You can write from anywhere. You clearly need the inspiration. And fuck, you might even find something to write about.”

  “Wow... thanks.” If there had been any doubt in Austin’s mind as to what to do,
it was now gone.

  “Mate, all I want is for you to be happy. As you manager and your friend. And truth be told, I always thought that break-up was fucking dumb. Couples fight. The good and bad ones. The great ones though... they come back even stronger than before.”

  “You think Finn and I are one of the great ones?”

  There was a pause on the other end of the line. Then, “I’ll tell you what. Call me when you get there and let me know how it goes. Then I’ll answer the question.”

  Austin and Finn were one of the great ones. Austin had no doubt. And so, following a few hasty goodbyes, Austin went online, bought the first ticket he could to Mumbai, packed his bags and left for India. What was going to happen next... he had no idea.

  ***

  Cassidy was right. India was hot. India was smelly. India was loud. India was so many things that Sydney, Australia wasn’t. And truly, Austin did not care.

  The only person he’d spoken to face to face before leaving the country was Angela, and that was on the way to the airport, and just to get the address that Finn was staying at. She sounded surprised when Austin asked, even skeptical as if he was trying to trick her into something. But he assured her it was for hers and Zac’s own good, as well as his own. So, she handed it over to him with a resigned ‘good luck.’

  Fate intervened the moment that Austin stepped out of the Mumbai airport and into the heat. Desperate to find a taxi, one pulled up right where he was standing. And when Austin tried to pronounce the name of the hotel, the driver waved him down and said he knew it too well, and in perfect English. Apparently, he knew the owner and went there all the time. And even better, he knew a shortcut!

  Now, all Austin had to worry about was whether Finn was actually going to be at this hotel in the first place. If he wasn’t there, then this trip would be over as soon as it begun. But for some reason, Austin just didn’t think that would be the case. For some reason, Austin just knew Finn would be there waiting.

  In fact, the flight to India was perhaps the most at peace that Austin had felt in six weeks. He wasn’t stressed. He wasn’t worried. He wasn’t concerned in the least. This felt right somehow, like it was meant to be. And so it was. He sat back in his chair, closed his eyes and relaxed the entire flight.

  Even the drive to the hotel was calming, which was saying a lot when considering what the roads and traffic were like in Mumbai. It was incredible that bumper to bumper traffic could still feel so manic. Horns blasted every second from every car. Locals stuck their heads out of windows and screamed and shouted. Pedestrians hammered on the windows and tried to sell random items that Austin had never seen before through the glass. And there were even cows on the road!

  But none of this mattered. Austin wore a huge smile on his face as the taxi slowly made its way to the hotel. Once there, the plan was to book a room and then ask the manager if he had seen another white man staying there. He had a photo of Finn too, just in case, but he didn’t think it’d be needed. And as expected, it wasn’t.

  Austin didn’t even end up having to check in. The lobby was an open affair with the actual desk located across the space toward the back. From there it was a short walk down two steps into the pool area, where a dozen or so people lay about getting some sun. The pool itself was rather small, and a little dirty looking. But Austin barely even noticed.

  When he reached the desk, he was about to ask the small Indian man behind the counter about a room. But then he glanced across the pool, some one hundred feet away and instantly saw the man he had just flown six thousand miles for.

  Finn was standing on the other side of the pool. Maybe he had been about to sit down? Maybe he had been about to leave? Maybe he was just walking past? It didn’t matter. The moment that Austin saw him, he saw Austin, and then he stopped.

  But he didn’t freeze as if he was shocked. Nor did he balk, or stiffen or do anything that suggested the sight of Austin was a surprise or unwelcome. Rather, he just stood there and watched.

  And Austin stood where he was, in the lobby still, bags hanging off his shoulders, sweat dripping down his back, not at all aware of the world around him or the people in it. He stood where he was, looking at Finn across the pool as if he had been expecting to see him there all along.

  After a moment of looking at one another, a small smile crossed Finn’s face. Nothing too glamorous or over the top. The smile seemed to say, “it’s about time.” It was then followed by a small shake of Finn’s head, as if dismissing the cheek of Austin turning up like this out of the blue.

  As to Austin. He shrugged and chuckled and shook his head also, as if to say, “what did you expect?” He then smiled some more.

  But what was going to happen next? Well, next was a while away still. For several moments more, the two men were content to stand where they were, looking at one another with smiles on their faces, ignoring the noise and heat and everything else around them. The pool that separated the two wasn’t there. The space between them was nonexistent. It was just them. And in that moment, as Austin looked into Finn’s blue eyes, and Finn gazed into his, he knew he’d made the right decision and any worry he had melted away.

  The only regret Austin felt in the moment was that at having not done this sooner. Or for even letting it get this far in the first place! But that didn’t matter now. In fact, that just gave Austin something to make up for, something that he knew he’d be spending the rest of his life doing.

  “Sir! Is everything all right?” the small Indian man behind the counter queried. Austin had been standing there in silence for some time now and most likely looked ridiculous doing so.

  “Huh?” Austin asked without taking his eyes off Finn.

  “Are you all right? Is everything fine, sir?”

  “It is,” Austin said with full sincerity. “Couldn’t be better.”

  Truer words had never been spoken. It was a happiness that made his heart swell and his mouth hurt from smiling. It was a happiness that Austin knew would last until the day he died. Not that there was any rush on that, of course. First, Austin had a lifetime to spend with Finn. He could not wait.