Her Perfect Man

by Jillian Hart

  Rebecca winced at Lauren’s question. She looked up from the fiction shelves. “Spence called me in the middle of the day with a cry for help.”

  “That’s not what I asked, and you know it.” Lauren grabbed a book from the cart and glanced at the spine. She hunkered down to shelve the book. “You have been mysteriously hard to get a hold of ever since you called things off with Chad. You’re not going tonight just to avoid him. I get it.”

  “It’s still too fresh. Too painful.” Rebecca wished things had gone differently. She wished Chad was different. “The truth is I miss him. We had a lot of fun together.”

  “Oh, it was more than that.” Lauren’s kindness and caring made it hard to keep sensible.

  Rebecca blinked hard, determined to keep her raw, broken feelings well hidden. “I’m pleading the fifth on that.”

  “You keep doing that, but one day you have to take the risk.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about really opening your heart and trusting in love.”

  “You sound like a greeting card commercial.” Rebecca grabbed a book from the cart. “I did that. Twice.”

  “No, first you chose a guy who you could never be truly close to.” Lauren slipped the book in place. “Then you fall for this great man. He’s a real Mr. Dreamy. What do you do? When he gets too close and too real, you push him again.”

  “I had a good reason.”

  “I heard that reason. Danielle told me.”

  Footsteps padded on the other side of the aisle and Danielle rounded the corner. “Are you two over here talking without me?”

  “Guilty.” Rebecca gave up shelving entirely. “You two have been talking about me.”

  “Sure we have, because we love you.” Danielle gave her a quick hug. “You still haven’t forgiven Chad?”

  “It isn’t a matter of forgiveness.” She looked at her sisters’ faces, both lined with concern for her, and she faltered. How could she tell them what she felt? “You two have great guys. Dani, Jonas is about the most heroic man out there.”

  “He does have his moments,” she agreed. “I am very blessed in my husband.”

  “And my Caleb is a two hundred on a scale of ten,” Lauren chimed in. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t relate. I know something about being afraid to open your heart and honestly let someone in.”

  “Sure, I can’t say that isn’t a possibility.” Rebecca knew her sisters had a point. “But Chad has made choices I can’t accept. I can’t see him the same anymore. He lied to me.”

  “He kept something painful hidden. Maybe because he’s a bad person.” Danielle sat down and stretched out on the carpet. “Or perhaps it was because it hurts to talk about it. I’ve been guilty of that kind of silence before.”

  “We all have,” Lauren added.

  Danielle kept going. “Sure, he made a mistake but you have to consider what he did afterward. That shows his character. Right?”

  How did she explain to her wonderful sisters that it wasn’t only Chad she no longer trusted, but herself? And maybe there was another reason, too. “So, how does a person who is afraid to let anyone too close fix that?”

  “The way the rest of us do, sweetie.” Danielle reached out and squeezed her hand. “You take a deep breath, lean on faith and go by heart. You try not to run away afraid and you remember that the chance to really love someone and be truly loved by them in return is a rare and precious gift. Don’t let it pass you by because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Life without love hurts so much more.”

  Rebecca hung her head, thinking that over. Okay, that was good advice. Today had been a hard day. She had pretended she didn’t see Chad at morning worship. She had eaten alone on the garden bench. She had left work as soon as she possibly could so she wouldn’t run the chance of seeing him in the parking lot.

  “Do you know the worst of this?” she asked.

  Both sisters shook their heads, no.

  “I miss him. I feel as if I’ve lost a piece of me somewhere and I’ll never find it again. I’m afraid he’s not the kind of man I can trust, I mean really trust, when push comes to shove. When times are tough. When I really need him to be there for me and do the right thing. And—”

  “Did you hear what you just said?” Danielle interrupted gently. “You’re afraid. You’re the one.”

  “He’s been in jail. Jail.” Like her dad. Like Chris would be, if he had been caught. That scared her, whether she had a problem with trust or not.

  “I think you should come with me.” Lauren held out her hand. “Dani, is it okay if we use your computer?”

  “You know it is.” Danielle smiled as she rose to her feet. “That’s enough of a break for me. I’ll shelve these books for you.”

  “Aren’t you supposed to be going home?” Rebecca stopped in her tracks.

  “Yes, but my husband will understand. He knows something about how important true love is.” Danielle waved her away. “Go on. Don’t worry.”

  “We won’t be long,” Lauren promised, tugging Rebecca away. “You and I will do a little research. After all, if Chris can do it, so can we. Then you will know for sure if you can trust this man you love.”

  Chad hung up the phone. He’d had a rotten day, and it had just gotten worse. It had turned into a doom day. He stared at the fake wood grain of the kitchen table and gave thanks for shock. Because of it, right now he couldn’t feel the hard blow of disappointment—although he would, in time, when the shock wore off.

  “You don’t look too happy,” Ephraim commented from the counter where he was pouring two glasses of grape juice. “I take it whoever that was, it wasn’t good news.”

  “No.” To say the least. Chad rubbed the back of his neck. Tension was knotted up so tight, he could hardly move his head. “That was Pastor Marin. Someone e-mailed the newspaper article to half of the church members tonight.”

  “That’s rough.” Ephraim set down the juice bottle with a thunk. “Why would someone do that to you?”

  “I have a few ideas.” He wasn’t the kind of man to accuse or lay blame, but he was pretty sure. “The board knows about my past, but because of this e-mailing now some of the parents of the day camp kids are alarmed. They don’t want their children exposed to a man with a criminal record.”

  “That’s harsh.”

  “I can’t blame them.” That was the thing. “This is where life gets tricky. That’s in my past, but I’m afraid it’s all that anyone is going to see about me. I can’t go back and do over that bad decision. I would if I could.”

  “This is like a double whammy. First Rebecca, now this.” Ephraim brought the glasses around the end of the counter and set them on the table. “I’ve known you since we were six. You’ve made one mistake in your life, and that’s it. It shouldn’t haunt you forever.”

  “Thanks, man.” Ephraim’s support meant a lot, but didn’t change the truth that he would probably be asked to resign. This was a terrible blow, but losing Rebecca hurt more.

  He took a sip of juice, but it was tasteless. His nerves were on high alert. Marin promised she would call as soon as the board meeting was over. He was man enough to take whatever outcome the board decided, but he sure loved working with the day camp program. He liked to think he was making a positive contribution.

  “How did the day go with Rebecca?”

  Chad shook his head. The last thing he wanted to do was to answer his buddy’s question, but he knew Ephraim cared. He was a good friend. Chad ran his finger through the condensation beginning on the side of the glass. “She avoided me. When she couldn’t avoid me, she ignored me.”

  “You and her were good together. I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too.” He missed her. He missed hearing his phone chime and know there was a message waiting from her. He missed hearing that little trill of a laugh she had and the sound of her dulcet voice. And that was just the start. She had changed his life with her sweetness, and now he was never going to be the same
without her.

  And it was all his fault. He’d been a knucklehead. He should have made sure he had been the one to tell her. He could have eased her into the shock of it. He could have explained everything that happened afterward that had changed him from the reckless, rebellious teenager into the man he wanted to be one day. He had a long way to go, but he was determined to get there, God willing.

  The doorbell rang. “It’s probably for you, Ephraim. Maybe it’s Elle next door.”

  “I doubt it. Have you noticed I’ve ditched the pocket protector—”

  “Hey, you did.”

  “For all the good it’s done. I have an ink stain on two of my shirts. No idea how to get it out.” He stood, shaking his head. “I thought it might get me noticed, but no. That’s probably someone selling lightbulbs or handing out pizza coupons.”

  “We could use pizza coupons,” Chad pointed out, trying to lighten things a little.

  Ephraim shot him a grin as he headed for the front door.

  How had things gone from so great to so bad so fast? He rubbed a hand over his forehead. He was starting to get a tension headache. There had to be a reason for this, he figured. He wasn’t going to get any more upset than he already was. He was going to trust that this was in God’s hands, too, and it would all work out for the best.

  Now, if he could get his nervous stomach and his broken heart to believe that, he would be in better shape. He took another swig of juice and tried not to think about the meeting or Rebecca.

  Rebecca. He set the glass down. He felt so empty inside. He wondered what she was doing right now. Talking on the phone with one of her sisters? Stopping by the bookstore to pick up another book? Studying her Bible out on her back patio?

  He missed her so much it hurt. Unable to stand it anymore, he pushed away from the table. Maybe he ought to finish his daily study, too. Do something constructive, at least. Maybe that would keep his mind off what he had already lost.

  “Hey, Chad.” Ephraim called from the foyer. “It’s someone for you.”

  “For me?” He couldn’t imagine who. He changed directions in midstride and paced down the hall. He followed the sound of Ephraim’s voice as he spoke with whoever was outside.

  A woman’s voice answered him, gentle and dulcet and familiar.

  Rebecca. Surprise jolted through him. He put speed into his walk, even as doubt crept in. It couldn’t be her. Maybe it was someone who sounded similar to her. There was no way she was going to forgive him. He knew that.

  “Hi, Chad.” She stood on the other side of the door, looking amazing in jeans and a summery blue top. Her hair was down, and she seemed at peace.

  His heart gave a little kick of hope. Hold on, he couldn’t go leaping to assumptions. She could be here for a dozen reasons and every one of them had nothing to do with giving him a second chance.

  “I heard about the e-mailing. Lauren got one of the e-mails.” She was holding a paper bag by the paper handles. Her tone was almost apologetic and neutral.

  The little hope he had fizzled. This was just like at work today. She was being polite, that was all. Crushed, he gathered his courage and held back his disappointment. There would be time to feel that later, when she wasn’t around. He didn’t want her to know that he was still foolishly hoping.

  “I’m sorry.” Her sincerity was unmistakable. “I know how much this volunteer work means to you.”

  He nodded, not really wanting to talk about it. He had taken just about his quota of pain for the day. But then it hit him what she had said. Surely he hadn’t misunderstood. “Y-you do know?”

  “That article about your plea bargain wasn’t the only article about you in the Portland paper.” There was no hint on her pretty face.

  He didn’t know what she was trying to tell him. Was she talking about the arrest? The reports on his hospitalization? On minor injuries of the people hurt in the other car? Adrenaline jolted through him. How could this get even worse? And why did it have to be right now, when he was down, that she’d come to bring up more of those painful pieces of his past?

  “I can’t do this, Rebecca.” It was like a bullet to the chest. He grasped the door frame to hold himself steady. “I don’t want to rehash the past. It tortures me. I thank God every day that I was the one seriously hurt in that accident and not the people I slammed into. I can’t do enough to make up for that. I have to leave it in the past. It hurts too much.”

  She stared at him with her wide, luminous eyes. It was impossible to read the wince of emotion on her beloved face. It was impossible because he loved her still. Even knowing he could never have the right to call her his, the love in his heart stubbornly lived.

  “I didn’t come here to cause you more hurt,” she said in her quiet, gentle way. “Did you get my text message?”

  “What message?” He’d checked his cell phone about an hour ago, around the time he’d found out about the mass e-mailing. There hadn’t been a message then, and he’d muted it. He was already pulling his cell out of his jeans pocket and checked the screen.

  Sure enough there was a message. His hands trembled as he hit the read button.

  Yes, she’d written.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “You forgive me?”

  Rebecca studied the man standing in front of her. His eyes were shadowed and tension had cut creases into his handsome face. She longed to reach out and comfort him. She wished she knew how to make everything all right for him.

  “I understand why you didn’t tell me first off.” A tiny curl of panic fluttered within her but she didn’t buckle. She had come here with her heart wide-open. Sure it was scary, but so was the thought of living her life without this man. She gathered her courage and took the risk. “I understand why you wanted to wait to tell me until I knew you better.”

  He nodded and pocketed his phone. His eyes saddened, taking her hopes with him.

  Had her forgiveness come too late? She desperately hoped not. She clutched the bag until her knuckles were white. This wasn’t easy. She cleared her throat and finished what she’d come to say. “I understand that you are more today than the boy who made those poor decisions.”

  He hung his head. “I don’t understand. You said you can’t see me the same way anymore.”

  “I read all the articles, Chad. Every last one.” She thought she felt hope rise up, but she couldn’t be sure. “You were in intensive care for three weeks. You made full restitution to the family and to the man whose car you stole. You voluntarily turned yourself in. You chose a plea bargain when your family could have afforded the best in defense attorneys. You chose to face the consequences of your actions instead of trying to get out of them.”

  “That’s true.” He met her gaze. “You have to know that I’ve changed because of that. In a way, I thank God for it because it saved me. My bad decision put me on this path. I will never forget it. I will never repeat those patterns in my life because it’s my choice.”

  “I read that in your article, the one that was published in a Christian teen magazine.”

  “Oh, you found that, too?”

  Anyone could see his modesty and the way he faintly blushed. But she knew him well enough to read the shame there, too. He had made good of his life in spite of where he had been heading. Danielle was right. His actions did show his character.

  “Lauren is a whiz with the computer,” she explained. “It takes a real man to admit his mistakes, to make amends and accept the consequences and to build his life anew.”

  “You make me sound noble, and that’s not true, Rebecca. I try to do the right thing. That’s all. That’s who I am now and who I will always be.” He came closer, into the brush of sunlight. “I promise I will always do my best to do what’s right. I hope you can believe that.”

  “I do.” The backs of her eyes began to burn. “I know that about you now.”

  “You do.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment. “That’s a relief.”

  They smiled together and
there it was, that click of emotional connection. It was like an anchor securing her heart with his. It was like a nod from heaven saying, here’s the one. She felt alive with hope and thankfulness.

  This wasn’t a man who made a habit of secrets and bad choices. No, Chad was the kind of man she could trust with her heart for now. And for always.

  “I’m sorry for how I reacted.” She steeled her spine. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away until I had all of the story. That was my fault, all mine.”

  “Did you push me away?” He reached out and brushed a satin lock of hair from her eyes. “I didn’t notice. I was so busy worrying about how I hurt you and blew my chance with you.”

  “I pushed you away.” This she knew for certain. Even now a part of her wanted to take a step away from him, to keep a safe distance between them. It was how she had always been. She always kept everyone at a safe distance. She rarely opened up in a truly deep and personal way, even to her sisters. She had a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of close friends. Chad had gotten closer to her than anybody had.

  It scared her. Letting him close meant having to trust him with her heart and with all the fragile pieces of her spirit.

  “How do I know you aren’t going to do that again?” he asked.

  She rolled her eyes. “I deserve that. You can’t know how hard this is for me.”

  “Sure I can. For true love to work, both people have to take down their shields and set aside their defenses and trust that the other person will handle them with care. You’ve had men in your life who did not do that.”

  “That’s true.” She reached out with one hand to take his. She twined their fingers together. Her soul sighed. Her spirit felt complete. The broken shards of her heart became whole. “Danielle told me that the chance to really love someone and be truly loved by them in return is a rare and precious gift. You’re worth the risk, Chad.”

  “I’m so very glad you think so.” The sadness faded from his eyes and the worry from his face. “You are worth the risk, too.”

  “Then I guess this means our dating-only-each-other policy is back in effect?”