A Conflicted Woman

by T. B. Markinson

  “What if she doesn’t believe me?” Jorie stared at the stack of exam books on my desk.

  “Trust me; she’ll take action.” I rested on my forearms again. “But, if she doesn’t, you can always escalate it to the department head or...” I flipped open the university’s phone directory, thumbing my way to the needed page. Jotting down the number on a slip of paper, I said, “Here’s the number for the Student Resolution office. They can probably offer more insight into your... dilemma.”

  She took the paper from my hand. “Thanks, Lizzie.”

  “Anytime. I admire your honesty.” Was it wrong of me to ponder Jorie’s motives for seeking me out, especially considering Maddie’s observation that the young woman was coming to terms with her sexuality and I was a role model of sorts? At least I had Maddie’s reassurance that she didn’t have the hots for me. It was weird, though. Being someone Jorie looked up to all the while I feared people learning about my lack of a backbone when it came to Meg.

  Jorie rose. “I have class.” She held up the paper. “But, I’ll make an appointment with my professor and, if need be, call this number.”

  “Yes, don’t let it fester hoping it’ll go away.”

  She left without saying another word, letting my own advice crowd my mind.

  “What does she want to talk about?” Sarah asked, her arms crossed.

  I flicked my palms up. “I haven’t spoken to Meg yet. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  “You said yet, meaning you plan to?”

  “Should I?”

  “Do you want to?”

  I readjusted on the library couch to face Sarah, on the other side, full-on. “I feel like you’re trying to trap me into saying something when I’m asking you what I should do.”

  Sarah’s face acknowledged the accusation by speckling some with embarrassment. “I’m sorry. This is different—you coming to me for advice about your ex, whom I hate. Have I mentioned that in the last few minutes?”

  I sucked in a deep breath and rubbed my eyes with my fingers. “Maybe I should wait until Thursday.”

  “Did Meg give you a deadline or something?” She made a checkmark in the air. “Another tick in the do not like column.”

  My error seeped into my brain. “Uh, no.”

  Sarah wasn’t so easily put off and waved for me to come out with it.

  I spoke to my folded hands in my lap. “Maddie suggested I speak with Courtney.”

  Much to my surprise, Sarah nodded. “A friend who isn’t tainted with any prior knowledge of Meg. Not a bad suggestion.”

  “What about the Kit-Tie-Peter connection?”

  “Courtney didn’t get to where she is in the business world by blabbing. I think you can trust her.”

  “Over you?” I blinked as if trying to determine if I was having a dream. Nightmare was more like it.

  “In this situation, yes. I’m more than biased.” Sarah swept a water glass from the end table to her lips.

  I rubbed my face. “All these years, you’ve wanted me to open up more. And now when I’m seeking your advice, you’re sending me to Courtney, who is a shameless flirt with you, I might add. And you flirt with her.”

  “Only because I’m safe to flirt with and vice versa.”

  “What does that mean?” I wrinkled my forehead.

  “She knows I would never act on it. It’s one of her ways of dealing with stress.”

  “She’s told you this?”

  Sarah rolled her eyes. “She didn’t have to. It’s like Maddie teasing you mercilessly. She doesn’t mean it.”

  “I’m not following.” I shook my head in an attempt to rationalize the words. “Are you saying Maddie’s so stressed out she has to tease me or she’ll what—explode?”

  “Okay.” Sarah set her glass down on the table, giving me her complete attention. “You know how you bury yourself in work when you don’t want to deal with things?” She plowed on without waiting for a sign of agreement. “Everyone has their coping mechanisms. Courtney flirts with women who’ll never take her up on it. Maddie teases you. Both are harmless.”

  “You might not say that if Maddie was constantly teasing you. Self-esteem, as my therapist liked to point out, are delicate for some. And how come Courtney never flirts with me?” I plucked at a loose string on the velvet midnight blue throw pillow.

  “You love Maddie’s teasing. You egg her on.” Sarah gave me a look that said Don’t try to dispute it.

  I feigned being annoyed but was unsure if Sarah’s assumption was true. Deep down, did I enjoy Maddie’s relentless ribbing?

  “It’s one of Maddie’s ways of showing you she cares without upsetting your boundaries. Face it; you aren’t the easiest person to talk to with all of your walls. Most of the time when uncomfortable situations arise, I can almost see you tucking away into your head, debating weird shit that has no bearing on the matter at hand.” She mimicked with one hand chatting mindlessly, followed by the other hand.

  I groaned, resting my cheek on the back of the couch. “Why do I share anything with you when you toss it back in my face?”

  “Because you need to. A person can only stay locked inside their own head for so long before losing it.” With one hand, she motioned a bomb detonating.

  “Whatever. You didn’t address why Courtney never flirts with me.”

  “Because you might punch Court in the face if she did.”

  “I would not.”

  She quirked an eyebrow.

  “Okay. What about Kit? Is he harmless?”

  Sarah shook her head. “I wouldn’t trust him with chewed up gum on the sidewalk.”

  I closed my eyes, trying to work out her meaning. Were my secrets unimportant like discarded gum?

  “Never say anything to Kit that you want to keep private. Kit will tell you he’ll never share a secret, but he’ll blab to gain friends. It’s a compulsion he probably isn’t aware of. There’s a reason he’s never held a job—no one trusts him. Not even his family.”

  “But he’s engaged to Courtney to keep his gay secret, or so he says.”

  Sarah laughed out loud. “Please, it’s not a secret. People may choose not to see it, but the guy’s flaming. He likes to think he’s keeping it secret. It’s fun for him. I keep telling you everything is a game to him.”

  Not wanting to spend too much time on the Kit issue, I went back to the other. “Courtney knows she’s a shameless but harmless flirt?”

  “Exactly.”

  “And this makes sense to you?” With my index fingers, I traced a circle in the air.

  Another head nod. “It doesn’t to you?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t see how all the dots connect, but I’m going to trust you and Maddie on this. Much cheaper than therapy.”

  “There’s always that option.”

  “Do I need to go back to therapy?” Even to me, my voice sounded worried.

  Sarah remained mute.

  I readjusted on the couch to allow me to prop my legs up on the coffee table. Slouching down, I said, “I’m glad Meg is getting a hold of her life, but did she have to come back into mine right when everything was going so well?”

  “Don’t let her get control. Not again.”

  I let my feet crash to the floor. “Yes, exactly. Since Courtney is like the wizard behind the curtain, maybe we should send Meg to Courtney. Cut me, the middleman, out and eliminate my contact with Meg.” I smiled with satisfaction.

  “Not sure it works that way. Meg seems insistent to wiggle her way back in.”

  “If I controlled the situation, it would work out perfectly.” I mimed being a puppeteer. “Do you think Courtney would sleep with her? That would be a huge plus and could potentially distract Meg.”

  Sarah shot me an amused grin. “Sometimes, I do enjoy watching you extricate your way out of things.”

  “You should have seen me earlier today with Jorie.”

  This got her attention and not in a good way, although when did a spouse enjoy hearing
about another woman, even when the other wasn’t a threat? Human nature always seems to win to a certain extent. “Relax, she wasn’t being a Courtney, and by that, I mean a flirt.”

  Sarah had the decency to look somewhat guilty.

  “She’s having an issue with a TA asking her out.”

  “Male or female?”

  “Male.”

  “And she came to you?” Sarah didn’t mask her surprise.

  “Yeah.” My voice squeaked with astonishment. “During my office hours.”

  “What did you say?” Sarah attempted to control a worried look. It wasn’t a secret to those who knew us that I was the one half of the couple people avoided when they needed advice or a shoulder to cry on. Truthfully, I preferred it that way.

  I laid out the conversation to the best of my recollection.

  Sarah mulled over the info. “That may have been her way of coming out to you. Testing the waters to see how others would react.”

  “The thought had crossed my mind, although, I’m a lesbian, so it isn’t much of a test.” I shrugged because it wasn’t out of the question either, and it worried me. Would all students who were dealing with their sexual identity seek me out to help them with the process? I wasn’t Dr. Ruth. Or Ellen. “What I can’t decide is if the TA part was pure fabrication?”

  Sarah, looking out the bay window, jostled her head from side to side, again absorbing the situation. “Maddie’s friends with Jorie. I’ll call her tomorrow to follow up.” Her tone implied nothing I said would deter her. I let her think she won, but with everything that was going on, Jorie was at the bottom of the totem pole. “This, I can offer advice on. Not the Meg thing.” She flicked her fingers as if the mere mention of the name cursed our home. Was there a Yankee candle that purified negative auras?

  “Ah,” I said. “You need to feel helpful. That’s your thing, in case you’re wondering. Courtney flirts. Maddie teases. Kit blabs. You act like Mother Teresa. And I drown myself with research. Who has the most productive coping mechanism?”

  Sarah blew out a rush of air. “Maybe you can mention your competitive streak to Courtney. See if she has advice on that.”

  “Wait. Are you going to defer to Courtney now on all things Lizzie?” I tweaked her side.

  “Depends on how well she handles the problem with your ex. Dealing with you can be exhausting.” She made her body go limp.

  I yanked her legs, pulling her toward me. “I can say the same about you. Infuriating, most of the time.” Given the direction we were heading, I opted not to bring up the Troy factor.

  “Then why are you trying to get closer to me?” Sarah wore a coquettish expression—the one that drove me mad with desire, which she knew.

  She didn’t resist when I got on my knees on the couch cushions to get a better hold of her.

  “Good call with replacing our couches with extra-long ones.” I widened my eyes. “To answer your question, you happen to have one redeeming quality.”

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “You’re a great lay.” She was now on her back on the couch, and I hovered over her. “With such soft lips.”

  We kissed.

  “Are you saying I’m only good for bedroom activities?” Her breath hitched.

  “Don’t limit yourself to the bedroom. Own this couch.” I spread my arms out to demonstrate we had plenty of space for what I had in mind.

  “You aren’t making much sense.”

  “Oh, I think I am.” I cupped her cheek. “Your eyes say so.”

  “Get on your knees.” She shoved me to the ground, repositioned on the couch, and then undid the top of her jeans.

  I didn’t waste any time and stripped Sarah from the waist down.

  “Prove your worth to me,” she commanded, tossing her head against the couch and spreading her legs.

  “I love it when you’re bossy.”

  “I love it when you show me.” She motioned for me to get busy.

  I did.

  After, with Sarah’s fingers still intertwined in my hair, holding my head between her legs, she said, “Quick and beautiful.”

  “Can I get up yet?” I mumbled into her pussy.

  She let go of my head. “Sorry.”

  I stood, kicking my legs out and then stretching my back to the right and left. “I’m getting old.”

  Sarah’s expression had a glazed look. “You don’t look it.”

  With my hands on my hips, I leaned back to work out a kink in my lower back. “Is it weird we went from talking about Meg to Jorie’s issue to me eating your poontang?”

  She laughed, her shoulders shaking. “I saw an opening.”

  “I’m seeing one now.” I offered a hand to help her off the couch. “Put me to bed. I’m exhausted.”

  Sarah didn’t bother putting her jeans back on, leading me upstairs half-naked. “Something tells me you actually want to go to sleep.” She scouted over her shoulder, catching me mid-yawn. “Poor baby.”

  We peeked into the twinks’ room to ensure all was well, although I had both baby monitors in my hands.

  “They’re so cute when asleep.” She wore a dreamy expression, her eyes conveying a look I didn’t want to address.

  “I don’t want to talk about maybe adding another nursery. Not tonight.”

  Sarah jerked her head to our bedroom. “Fine, but we’ll have to discuss it soon.”

  Sitting on the bench at the end of the bed, I asked, “What’s the rush?”

  “We aren’t getting any younger. You said as much not five minutes ago.”

  “I can’t keep up with you tonight.” I tugged my sweater and shirt over my head.

  Sarah tossed me a T-shirt from the pajama drawer. “Just one more, Lizzie.”

  “Last time when we got pregnant, we got twins.” I placed two fingers in the air.

  “And do you regret either one?” She knew she had me there.

  “Don’t even go that route. It worries me. Not having multiple births, but Freddie’s birth wasn’t seamless. I don’t know if I can go through that. Not again.” I closed my eyes on the memory of them slicing Sarah’s belly and then the terrifying moments when Fred wasn’t able to breathe on his own. “What if something happens to you? Or the baby? Or both?”

  Sarah peeled down the comforter, climbing under and patting the bed for me to join her. With her arms around me, she said, “Nothing will happen.”

  “You can’t promise that. Modern medicine only goes so far. The rate of maternal deaths is rising in the US.” I let out a puff of air. “America has the worst rate in the modern world.”

  “What about adoption? You’ve mentioned it before.”

  I nuzzled my face into the pillow, unwilling to have this discussion when so exhausted.

  “Go to sleep. We can talk later,” Sarah relented.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Courtney opened the door to her hotel room. “Lizzie, come on in.” She air-kissed my right cheek. “I just got off the phone with Sarah.”

  “It’s weird having my wife’s blessing to meet you in a hotel room”—I looked around and corrected my word choice—“suite. Nice view.” We were only on the fifth floor, the top of this hotel, but the dark clouds added drama to the setting sun.

  “This is my favorite time of day.” She stood at the bar, a hand on a bottle of wine in a bucket of ice. “Would you like a drink?”

  “Water’s fine. I’m driving.”

  “I can arrange a ride for you.” She pulled her iPhone out of the pocket of her loose-fitting black slacks.

  I smiled. “It’s my turn to get up with the twinks tomorrow.”

  She nodded, replacing the phone in her pocket. “And how are my favorite niece and nephew?”

  For some reason, it didn’t bother me that she referred to the twinks as family. The older I got, the more I realized what Clinton meant when she said it takes a village. “Full of beans.”

  “So, they’re taking after me, then?” She pitched her eyebrows in a way tha
t made my heart stop.

  “Are you trying to make my hair go completely white before I turn forty?”

  Courtney handed me an iced water with a lemon wedge. She motioned for me to take a seat in one of the wingback chairs, while she settled on the floral loveseat, her legs under her, a glass of chilled white wine in her left hand. Instead of prompting me to unburden myself, she sipped her drink.

  I gulped my water.

  Courtney seemed content admiring the final splash of the sunset.

  “Why is this your favorite time of day?” I asked.

  “Any day I survive is a good day.” She took another sip of wine.

  “You make your life sound like a battle.”

  “Yours isn’t?”

  I crossed my legs, turning my body away from her slightly. “How’s Kit?”

  “We’re going to do this the hard way, I see.” She widened her eyes as if saying she had me in her sights. “Kit is Kit.”

  I folded my arms over my chest. “You two still engaged?”

  She nodded. “Before you ask, my job is fine. Business is booming. That pretty much covers all the bases.”

  I laughed. “Did Maddie warn you? Or Sarah?”

  “They didn’t have to. You’re so tightly wound most times I almost expect your head to shoot off into space.” She waved her hand to the way I sat.

  I curbed my desire to uncross my legs and arms to prove her wrong. “You mentioned Peter and Tie on the phone.”

  “I did.”

  Did Maddie really find Courtney helpful? At the moment, the only thing I felt was a desire to chuck my water in her face. “And?”

  “I’m worried.”

  “About?” Why was she being cagey?

  “Tie’s no fool. And Peter isn’t a saint.” She pinned me with a knowing expression, perhaps wondering if I’d rise to Peter’s defense. When I didn’t, she pressed on. “Now, there’s poor Demi in the mix. She deserves better.”

  I blinked several times. “Wow, you aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know.”

  Courtney fixed her gaze on me, an approving smile tugging up the corners of her mouth. “Have a chat with Peter. Give him the heads-up that she’s about to declare all-out war.”