Mixed Blessings

by Danielle Steel

  “Up until we left. Actually, she took the day off yesterday, which is a good sign. I think she’s come back relaxed and with a better outlook on a lot of things. She was pretty uptight before we left.”

  “So were you. You were even beginning to make me nervous. I wasn’t sure if something was wrong at work, or you were just worried about other things, but you didn’t look like a happy camper when you left.”

  “I don’t know.” He wasn’t sure how much he should tell him about Diana’s concerns about getting pregnant. “I guess I was just tired. Diana was pretty nervous before we left, and I guess I caught the bug from her.”

  “Nothing serious, I hope.”

  “No … not really … she’s getting pretty anxious to have a kid, but I think she’s premature in getting worried.”

  “You guys have barely been married a year, haven’t you? How long’s it been?” He seemed surprised that they were already thinking about having a baby.

  “We’ve been married a year today.” Andy smiled at him. “It seems hard to believe, doesn’t it?”

  “God, I can’t believe that. Well, don’t start having kids too soon. You won’t want to play tennis with me anymore. You’ll have to run home and help Di change diapers.”

  “Now there’s an image … maybe I’ll just tell her to forget it for another year.”

  “Why don’t you do that? And then maybe we can be pushing swings together in a couple of years.”

  “What a thought.” Andy looked at his friend with a grin as they stood next to Bill’s silver Porsche. “It’s hard to imagine all that, isn’t it? I can still remember my father carrying the twins around, one on each shoulder. Somehow I don’t feel ready for that yet. But Diana is. She’s really anxious to get started.” He didn’t want to admit that they’d been hard at it for a year, and nothing had happened.

  “Well, don’t be in too much of a hurry, big guy, kids are forever.”

  “I’ll tell Diana you said that.”

  He waved as Bill drove off, and wondered how long the new girlfriend would last, as he drove home to Diana. She was in great spirits when he got home, and he found her puttering in the garden. She looked up with a grin as he approached, looking handsome and lean in his white tennis shorts, and he stooped to kiss her.

  “Happy anniversary, Mrs. Douglas.” There was a Tiffany box concealed in the pocket of his white shorts, and he pulled it out and handed it to her.

  “You spoil me.” She sat back on her heels and quickly opened the blue, wrapped box, and inside was a beautiful gold ring with a small sapphire in it. It was a handsome ring, and the kind of thing he knew she would wear constantly. She looked up at him, thrilled, as she kissed him.

  “I love it!”

  “I’m glad.” He looked pleased. “I think first anniversary is something like plastic, or paper, or clay, something really great like that.… I figured you wouldn’t mind if I skipped ahead a few years.”

  “I’ll forgive you this once … but next year I want the real thing, like aluminum or copper.” She smiled at him, looking suntanned and relaxed in their garden.

  “Baby, you got it!” He swept her to her feet, and they went inside and she gave him his present. She had bought a beautiful set of leather luggage for him. He had been admiring it all year and he was stunned when he unwrapped it. They were generous with each other, on holidays and throughout the year. He loved buying her little things for no special reason, and coming home with an armload of flowers for her. And she did much the same for him. They were both well paid, and they could afford to spoil each other a little.

  In fact, Andy had made reservations for them at l’Orangerie for that night, which was extravagant, but he knew it would remind them of Europe. They had eaten at some fabulous restaurants and gone to some wonderful places while they were away, and he thought it would be fun to splurge on their anniversary.

  Diana wore a new dress that night when they went out. It was white silk, and very low cut, and she had bought it in London and saved it for this very special occasion.

  “Somehow I thought I should wear white again,” she teased when he saw her in it for the first time that night.

  “I hope that doesn’t mean you still think you’re a virgin.”

  “Hardly.” She grinned. And they left early to drop in at Seamus’s latest opening at the Adamson-Duvannes Galleries. Diana had promised her sister that they’d stop by on the way to dinner. They both looked beautiful and tan as they got into Andy’s car, and he leaned over to kiss her.

  “You look absolutely gorgeous!” he raved appreciatively, and she grinned.

  “So do you.” She still had the glow she had acquired on their trip, and without saying anything to her, Andy found himself wondering if she was actually pregnant.

  She was wearing her new ring, and on the way to the gallery, Andy teased her about taking another trip so he could use his new luggage. It had been an easy day, and they had spent the afternoon in bed, making love, before they dressed for dinner. So far, it had been the perfect anniversary, and driving to Adamson-Duvannes, Andy filled her in on Bill’s new girlfriend.

  “An attorney?” Diana looked amazed, and then she smiled, thinking of their friend. “Well, that won’t last more than ten minutes.”

  “I’m not so sure.” Andy shook his head, thinking about what Bill had told him. “He seems pretty smitten.”

  “He always is, until the next one comes through the door. He has the same attention span as my three-yearold nephew.”

  “Now, come on, Di, be fair, Bill’s a great guy.” But he couldn’t deny that there was a certain amount of truth to what she was saying. And she laughed as she forced Andy to admit it.

  “I never said he wasn’t. I just said he can’t stick with anything or anyone for more than five minutes.”

  “Maybe this time will be different,” Andy said, as he pulled into a parking space on San Vicente Boulevard, just beyond the gallery. He helped Diana out of the car, and followed her to the gallery, where Seamus was engaged in ardent conversation with an Asian man all dressed in black just inside the doorway.

  “My God … look at you … it’s a movie star, fresh from Europe!” He raved about his sister-in-law, and introduced them both to a well-known Japanese artist. “We were discussing the potential impact of art on an already comatose, decadent culture. Our conclusions were not exactly cheering.” Seamus mused, looking impish, and as usual, full of the devil. He loved to play, with people, with words, with paints, with ideas, with anything he could get his mind or hands on. “Have you seen Sam?” he asked Diana, as he dragged Andy toward the bar, and pointed her in her sister’s direction. She was standing in the midst of a group of women, in front of a huge painting on the far wall, and both her children were clinging to her legs, and swatting each other, although she seemed not to notice as she chatted with the women.

  “Hi,” Diana said quietly as she walked up to her.

  “Well, look at you,” Sam said admiringly. She had always thought that Diana was the prettiest of the three sisters. The best looking and the most capable … probably the smartest. She seemed to have it all, as far as Sam was concerned. Although Diana would never have agreed with her, if Sam said it to her. And if she had, she would have traded it all anyway for her sister’s two children. “You look fabulous. How was Europe?”

  “Really fun. We had a terrific time.” Sam introduced Diana to her friends, and eventually they all drifted off to find the men or women they had come with. And then Sam looked earnestly up at Diana and lowered her voice, as she asked the question.

  “So … did you get pregnant on the trip?” She looked so earnest and so concerned, but for a moment, just looking at her, Diana hated her for asking.

  “Is that all you think about? Isn’t there ever any other subject? Every time I see Gayle she asks me the same thing. Christ, don’t you two ever think of anything else?” The worst part was that she herself couldn’t think of anything else either. It was as thou
gh, in her family, you weren’t validated unless you were pregnant, or had children. Well, she had done her best, goddammit, and so far it just wasn’t working.

  “I’m sorry. I just wondered. I haven’t seen you in a while, and I thought—”

  “Yeah, I know …” Diana sounded depressed as she answered. They meant well, but they got to her every time. Their questions were like a constant accusation. Wasn’t she trying hard enough? What was wrong with them? Was either of them abnormal? Diana wondered about those things, too, and she didn’t have the answers, for herself or her sisters, or their parents.

  “I assume that means no,” Sam said softly, trying it again, and Diana looked daggers at her.

  “It means give me a break, Sam, and it also means I don’t know yet. Are you satisfied? Do you want me to call you the minute I get my period, or should I fax you? Or maybe just a nice billboard on Sunset would do it, so Mom wouldn’t have to call her friends and tell them, so far, nothing doing with poor Diana.” She was almost in tears as she spat out the words and Sam felt sorry for her. It had been so easy for all of them, but it just didn’t seem to be for Andy and Diana.

  “Don’t be so sensitive, Di. We just want to know what’s happening with you, that’s all. We love you.”

  “Thank you. Nothing’s happening. Is that clear enough for you?” Or at least she didn’t know yet. But her encounter with her sister had left her on edge, as Seamus and Andy joined them. Seamus had their little boy riding high on his shoulders.

  “The new paintings are great,” Andy said enthusiastically, noticing instantly the strain on Diana’s face, and they left shortly after. She was quiet as they drove to the restaurant, and he didn’t say anything. As usual, her sister’s questions had profoundly unnerved her.

  “Something wrong?” Andy asked finally. She was so much moodier than she used to be, but she had been a lot better in Europe. “Did your sister say something to upset you?”

  “Just the usual,” she snapped at him. “She asked whether or not I’m pregnant.”

  He glanced over at her, and answered softly. “Just tell her to mind her own business.” He leaned over to kiss her, and Diana smiled in spite of herself. He was so sweet to her, and she felt foolish for letting her sister upset her.

  “I hate it when they ask. Why don’t they just wait and see?”

  “Probably because they love you, and they mean well. Besides, maybe you are anyway. I don’t know, that last time in Monte Carlo seemed pretty incredible to me, what did you think?” She smiled as he reminded her, and she leaned over and kissed his neck while he drove.

  “I think you’re incredible. Happy anniversary, Mr. Douglas.” It was hard to believe that it had been a whole year since they’d gotten married. She loved being married to him, and it had been a busy year for them. Her only regret was that she hadn’t gotten pregnant. But there were other things that mattered in their lives, too, their work, their friends, their families, it wasn’t as if the only thing they cared about was having a baby. But there was no denying that it was important to them, and especially to Diana.

  “Do you think I’m stupid to care so much … about having a baby, I mean?” she asked Andy softly as they drove to l’Orangerie.

  “No, I just don’t want you to get too fixated on it. I don’t think that helps anything.”

  “It’s easy to do though. Sometimes I think my whole life revolves around my cycle.”

  “Don’t let it. Try to forget it as much as you can. I keep telling you that”—he smiled as he relinquished the car to the valet—“but you just don’t listen.” He kissed her again, and held her for a long moment. “Just don’t forget who the really important people are … you … and me … The rest will fall into place when it’s meant to.”

  “I wish I could be as nonchalant about it as you are,” she said enviously. He was so sensible and calm.

  “I’ll bet if you can make yourself relax about it, you’ll get pregnant like that.” He snapped his fingers, and she laughed and looked at him as she took his arm.

  “I’ll try it.”

  They walked into the restaurant, and a few heads turned, admiring the handsome young couple. They were shown to a quiet corner table, and talked easily as he ordered wine, and they looked over the menu for their dinner. She was feeling better again after her brush with Sam. And by the time Andy ordered for both of them, they were in good spirits.

  They had caviar with scrambled eggs served in eggshells with chives for their first course, and then lobster and champagne, and it was only after dessert that Diana excused herself to go to the ladies’ room to freshen her makeup. She looked beautiful in her English dress, and her hair shone as she combed it. And after she put her lipstick on in the ladies’ room, she went to the bathroom before going back to the table, and there she found the telltale sign, a bright red rush of blood that told her their lovemaking in Monte Carlo had been fruitless. She couldn’t even catch her breath for a moment as she sat there, and the tiny cubicle reeled around her. She forced herself to be calm again, to deal with it, but when she went to the sink to wash her hands, she felt griefstricken and empty.

  She was determined not to let Andy know, but he saw something in her eyes as she walked back to him, and without even asking he knew. He knew her timing now, and he had known weeks before that this weekend would tell them whether or not their mission had been successful in Europe. He knew now, just looking at her, that it wasn’t.

  “Bad surprise?” he asked cautiously as she sat down. He knew her so well now, and she was touched by it, but she was too distressed to be aware of his feelings. It was depressing for him, too, and little by little, she was making him feel like a failure.

  “Yeah, bad surprise,” she answered, and looked away. As far as she was concerned, the whole trip had been a waste. At the moment, she thought her whole life was.

  “It doesn’t mean anything, sweetheart. We can try again.” And again … and again … and again … and always for nothing. Why? Why even try anymore? Who said she was foolish to worry?

  “I want to go to the specialist,” she said gloomily as the waiter served their coffee. Their evening was ruined now, or at least as far as she was concerned. Her whole goal in life had become their baby. Nothing mattered anymore in comparison to that, not her job, or her friends, or sometimes even her husband. Despite her claims that the baby wasn’t the whole picture to her, it was, and they both knew it.

  “Why don’t we talk about it some other time?” Andy said calmly. “There’s no rush. We’re not desperate. It’s only been a year. Some people think you shouldn’t go to a specialist until after two years.” He tried to reassure her, but she was on the verge of tears, and extremely nervous.

  “I don’t want to wait that long,” she said tensely, feeling cramps, and hating what they meant. She hated everything about it.

  “Fine. Then we’ll go in a couple of months. We don’t have to rush into it, and you should check the guy out before you see him.”

  “I did. Jack says he’s one of the best in the country.”

  “Great. So you’re telling Jack our troubles again. What did you say to him? That I can’t get it up, or I had mumps as a kid, or it’s just not working?” He was angry at her for making such a big deal of it, and putting him on the spot, and making him feel like it was all his fault. Not to mention what she was doing to their anniversary, and their evening.

  “I just told him I was concerned, and my gynecologist had given me that name. He didn’t ask any questions. Don’t be so touchy.” She tried to soothe him, but he was angry now, and disappointed. And secretly, he felt as though he had failed her.

  “Why shouldn’t I be touchy, for chrissake? Every month you act like you’re going to die when you get the curse, and you look at me with those sad eyes as though to say that it’s all my fault and why the hell can’t I shoot you a good one. Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know why. Maybe it is my fault, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s goddam nothing except
you driving us both nuts about it. But if it’s going to help, go to the specialist, do whatever the hell you want, and if I have to, I’ll come with you.”

  “What do you mean, ‘if you have to’?” She was hurt by what he’d said, and it was obvious to both of them that their evening was ruined. “This isn’t just my problem. It’s happening to both of us.”

  “Yes, it is, thanks to you. But you know, there’s a chance that it just doesn’t have to. Maybe you’re just manufacturing all this stress because you’re so goddam hysterical and neurotic about having a baby. And you know what? I don’t give a damn if your sisters got pregnant at the altar. We haven’t, and so fucking what? Now, why don’t you just let it be for a while, and see if we can have some kind of a life, like two normal human beings.”

  She was crying when they left the restaurant, and they didn’t speak to each other all the way home. Diana locked herself in the bathroom for a long time, and she sat there and sobbed over the baby she hadn’t conceived and the anniversary that had been ruined. And she wondered if what he had said was true. Was she completely neurotic about this? Was she wrong? Was it all about competing with Gayle and Sam? Or was it real? And why was it that no matter how hard she tried, she was never quite as good as they were?

  Andy was waiting up in bed for her when she finally emerged, wearing a new pink satin nightgown he had bought her in Paris.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly as she approached the bed. “I guess I was disappointed too. I shouldn’t have said all those things.” He put his arms around her and pulled her close to him, and he could see that she had been crying. “It doesn’t matter, baby. It doesn’t matter if we never have kids. You’re the one I love. You’re the one who’s important.” She wanted to tell him that she felt that way, too, but the truth was that part of her didn’t. She loved him, but she wanted their baby, too, and she knew that until that need was fulfilled, there would always be something missing from their marriage. “I love you, Di,” he whispered to her as he pulled her down next to him on the bed and quietly held her.