Mixed Blessings

by Danielle Steel

  “See if I watch dirty movies with you again,” she grumbled at him one night, when she was particularly uncomfortable, and Brad laughed as he massaged her swollen ankles.

  “That’s what you get for playing with the big guys.”

  “Stop bragging.”

  “I’m not.” He smiled, and leaned over to gently rub her tummy. His hand was instantly met by a sound kick, and then he could see a flurry of action. “Boy, they just don’t quit, do they?”

  “Not if they can help it. The only time they sleep is if I’m moving, and God knows I don’t do that much.” He laughed as he watched them again, and he was as excited as she was. But sometimes he was sorry for her too. She looked so miserably uncomfortable, and there was precious little he could do to help her.

  And he was concerned about the birth, too, although he hadn’t said much to Pilar. But he had had several serious conversations with Dr. Parker. For the moment, he saw no need for a cesarean, but he had every intention of doing one if either of the twins switched from their head down position, or if either of them was in distress during the delivery.

  She had scheduled a Lamaze instructor to come to the house in October, and as Brad looked at her, he couldn’t help wondering if she’d make it. She was already thirty-four weeks pregnant, and Dr. Parker was hoping for at least thirty-six before she went into labor.

  October was a hellish month for Andy and Diana. She was almost six months pregnant by then, and the final adoption papers for Hilary had to be signed by Jane and Edward. Eric had spoken to them recently and assured Diana that there was no problem. They were going to sign them.

  Until he called early one Tuesday morning, and asked to speak to Andy. Andy was silent as he listened on the phone, and he never lifted his eyes once to look at her, and Diana knew instantly that something terrible had happened. She held the gurgling five month old closer to her, and as she did, the baby sensed her tension and started to cry, as though she knew that something was wrong. And when Andy hung up the phone, Diana knew it, too, before he told her.

  “What’s wrong? They didn’t sign the papers, did they?”

  With tears in his eyes, Andy looked at her and shook his head. “No, they didn’t. They want to think it over for a few more days. And they may want to come down and see the baby.”

  He hated to tell her that, hated to upset her now, but she had to know, especially if there was going to be a problem. Jane just wasn’t sure anymore. She didn’t know if she wanted to go to school, she wasn’t sure she had done the right thing, giving her baby away, all of which were reasonable concerns, except to Diana and Andy. “Edward still wants to sign, but Jane wants a few more days. And she told Eric she might want to see her.”

  “She can’t,” Diana said, jumping to her feet nervously. “They gave her up … they can’t have her back now.” Diana started to cry as soon as she said it.

  “Baby”—he tried to reason with her as gently as he could—“they can do anything they want to, until they sign the papers.”

  “You can’t let them do that to us.” She was crying as she held the child, and he gently took Hilary from her and put her over his shoulder.

  “Just try to stay calm.” He didn’t want her losing their baby over this one, even though he loved Hilary deeply. “We just have to wait and see what happens.”

  “How can you say that?” she screamed at him. She loved Hilary as her own child, and she knew that no matter how loved their baby was, it would never be more loved than this one. This was her first child, first love, and she wasn’t going to give her back to anyone. “I don’t want Jane to see her.”

  But when Eric called again, he said that Jane and Edward were coming down. He said Jane seemed distraught when they spoke on the phone, and he thought it would be best if Andy and Diana tried to stay calm and let her see the baby.

  “I understand,” Andy said to his friend, “but Diana doesn’t. She’s hysterical over this whole thing.” And he had also explained to Eric that Diana was pregnant. And that was a problem for Jane too. She was afraid that now, if they had their own child, they might be partial to it and not Jane’s baby.

  “Oh, God,” Andy said as he listened to him. “Why is life never simple?”

  “Because it wouldn’t be any fun that way, would it?” Eric replied, and Andy sighed. This entire episode was not going to be easy on Diana.

  In the end, Edward and Jane stayed in L.A. for two days. They stayed at a motel nearby, just off the freeway, and came to the house repeatedly. Jane wanted to see them, and she insisted on holding the baby, which almost drove Diana to distraction. She was afraid Jane would run out of the house with her, but she didn’t. Most of the time, she just sat there and cried, and Edward said nothing. Their relationship seemed a lot more tense than it had been when Hilary was born, and Jane seemed a lot more nervous. And then, on the second day, Diana knew why, when Jane admitted to her that she had just had an abortion. She hadn’t wanted to go through a delivery again, but it had altered her thinking about the adoption. She suddenly wondered if she had done the right thing giving up Hilary five and a half months before. And she was convinced that the only reason she got pregnant again was out of guilt, and because she wanted to have a baby.

  “So now you want mine,” Diana finally exploded. “She’s our baby now. We’ve stayed up with her when she was sick, we get up with her four times a night, we carry her and hold her, and love her.”

  “But I carried her for nine months,” Jane said, horrified, as the two men watched them, feeling inept and helpless.

  “I know you did,” Diana said, trying to regain her composure. “And I’ll always be grateful to you for giving her to us. But you can’t just take her away from us again. You can’t just say ‘here, love her forever,’ and then ‘no, gee, sorry, I changed my mind because I had an abortion.’ What about her? What about her life? What are you offering her? What’s changed in the last five months? What makes you think you would be better for her than we would?”

  “Maybe just because I’m her mother,” Jane said softly. She felt guilty doing this to them, but she had to know if she wanted this baby. “I don’t want to regret this for the rest of my life,” Jane said honestly, but Diana was honest with her, too, and she was older.

  “You will. Jane, you always will. You’ll always think of what could have been, and how life could have been different. We all do. And giving up a baby is about the biggest thing a woman can do. But five months ago, you thought you wanted to do that.”

  “We both did,” Edward added calmly. “And I still do, But Jane is having second thoughts.” He thought she should have had an abortion in the first place, but since she didn’t, it was still no reason to keep the baby. He had told her as much, but she was panicking now about giving up the baby.

  “I just don’t know,” Jane said when she left them again, and Diana wanted to scream and beg her not to torture them anymore. She just couldn’t take it. And she’d had contractions all day, which worried Andy.

  And Edward terrified them that night, when he called from the hotel at midnight and asked if they could come by. Jane had something important to tell them.

  “Now?” Andy looked horrified, and Diana looked sick when he told her.

  “She’s taking the baby away, isn’t she? She is … is that what he told you?”

  “Diana, stop it. He didn’t tell me anything. He just said that Jane has something to tell us.”

  “Why is she doing this to us?”

  “Because it’s a big decision for her too.” And they both knew it had to be awful. They couldn’t imagine giving Hilary up, yet they expected Jane to do it forever. It didn’t seem fair somehow, yet they all knew life wasn’t fair. And they prayed she’d live by her earlier decision.

  The wait for them to come seemed interminable, and finally at twelve-thirty, they rang the doorbell. Jane looked upset and pale, and it was obvious that she had been crying. And Edward looked annoyed with her. His patience had just abo
ut run out in the past two days, and he was anxious to go back to San Francisco.

  Diana invited them to come in, but Jane just stood there and shook her head, and then she started crying. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and then looked at them as Diana braced herself for the worst, and unconsciously held her pregnant belly, as though to at least save that baby from being taken. “I’m sorry,” Jane tried again. “I know this has been hard for you too”—she choked on the words—“but I had to be sure. I know I couldn’t … I can’t … I guess I always knew I couldn’t keep her.” Diana thought she was going to faint as she clutched Andy’s arm, and he put his arm around her to make sure she wouldn’t. “We’re going back to San Francisco now.” And then she handed Diana an envelope. “I signed the papers.” Diana started to cry, but Jane seemed in better control suddenly than she had been in days, and then she looked from Diana to Andy.

  “Could I see her one more time? I promise I’ll never try to see her again after this. She’s yours now.” She looked so pathetic as she stood there that Diana couldn’t say no to her, and she led her quietly upstairs to see her baby. Hilary was sound asleep in her new crib, in the corner of their bedroom. She had her own room upstairs, filled with stuffed animals, and the gifts people had given her, but they liked having her close to them. And Andy and Diana didn’t have the heart to move her out of their bedroom.

  But now, Jane stood looking down at her, her heart full, her eyes overflowing, and she put gentle fingers on the baby’s cheek, like a blessing. “Sleep well, sweetheart,” she whispered to the sleeping child as both women cried. “I’ll always love you.” She stood for another minute then, watching her, and then she bent and kissed her, as Diana felt a lump in her throat slowly choke her. Jane lingered for a last moment as Diana watched, and then she went quietly downstairs, without a word, or her baby. She squeezed Diana’s hand as she left, and she walked out to the car, followed by Edward. And Diana couldn’t stop crying when the door closed behind them. She felt guilty and sad, and sorry for Jane, and so relieved that Hilary was theirs now. It was an avalanche of feelings she had no idea how to deal with as she clung to Andy.

  “Come on,” he walked her slowly upstairs, holding her up as her emotions overwhelmed her. It was almost two o’clock in the morning by then. They were both drained by the emotions of the past few days, and Andy thought it was a miracle she didn’t go into labor.

  He made her stay in bed the next day, and he took care of the baby. And Eric Jones flew down personally to get the papers. Everything had been signed. Everything was done. Hilary Diana Douglas was safe and theirs forever.

  “I can’t believe it’s over,” Diana said softly, when Eric left. No one could take her away from them now, no one could come back and change their minds. No one could take her from them.

  Pilar and Brad’s babies were due in early November, and for the last month she absolutely couldn’t set foot out of bed, except to use the bathroom. Her cervix had begun to shorten weeks before, and she had already begun to dilate. And every time she did get up, even for a minute, she had contractions. She was bored just lying there, and nervous that something might go wrong, that one of them might strangle on the cord, or somehow hurt each other.

  She practiced her Lamaze breathing with Brad, and by Halloween the babies had almost stopped moving. They had so little room to move by then, and she looked like a cartoon of a woman who had swallowed a building. She stood and looked at herself in the mirror sometimes, and she could only laugh at the incredible distortion. She looked as though she were carrying baby on top of baby on top of baby.

  “That’s quite an accomplishment,” Brad teased her one night as he helped her out of the bath. She couldn’t do anything alone anymore. She couldn’t bathe without his helping her, couldn’t put on her shoes, or even her slippers, and in the first week of November, she couldn’t even get off the toilet unless someone helped her. Marina came by whenever she could, and Nancy came to keep her company frequently while Brad was at work. And she always congratulated Pilar for being such a good sport, and said she wouldn’t have traded places with her for love or money. As she told her husband when she went home, other people were going on with their lives, going out to dinner and having fun, and poor Pilar was blown up like a blimp, about to explode with babies.

  Her mother called frequently, and she seemed to have adjusted to the idea of Pilar being pregnant. And she offered to fly out several times, but Pilar didn’t want her.

  Pilar complained that she hadn’t even been to the hairdresser for six months, but whenever she got too depressed, Brad reminded her that it was worth it. And she knew it anyway. It was just incredibly wearing lying there and waiting to go into labor.

  Both of the twins appeared to be in good shape, and on one of his visits to the house, the doctor had told her that one of them was slightly larger, probably the boy, he suspected. That was usually the case, but not always. And he also told her that they were bringing in a team of doctors for her delivery. Because of her age, and the fact that it was a multiple birth, he wanted another obstetrician working with him, and two pediatricians for the babies.

  “It sounds like a party,” Brad said, lightening the moment. He had noticed that Pilar looked concerned when he started talking about “a team,” and what would happen if she needed a cesarean section. They still saw no reason for it, but they wanted to be prepared for everything. But Brad noticed in the last two weeks, as she approached her due date, that Pilar was very nervous.

  Dr. Parker had also told her that he wouldn’t let her go past her due date. There was too much at stake, particularly with two babies. But one week before her scheduled due date, Pilar started having contractions early one morning. The doctor said she could get up and walk around the house for a while to get the labor going. She was amazed by how weak she was, after lying down for so long, and how shaky her legs were. And she was disappointed to find that she couldn’t do much walking. She just didn’t have the strength, and her belly was too heavy.

  By late that afternoon, the pains were coming regularly, and Brad made her a cup of tea, and then everything stopped again. The nearness of it seemed tantalizing as they waited.

  “God, I just want to get this over with,” she said to Brad. But absolutely nothing more happened that afternoon, until her waters broke just after dinner. And still the contractions didn’t come, but the doctor asked her to come in to the hospital anyway. He wanted to get her settled and watch her.

  “What is there to watch?” she complained, as Brad drove her to Cottage Hospital. “Nothing’s happening. Why are we going to the hospital? This is stupid.” But as she said it, she looked so huge that Brad could only laugh at her, and he was relieved to be bringing her to the doctors. He had no desire to have his first lesson as a midwife delivering twins at home. It was enough, as far as he was concerned, that he had agreed to be at the delivery. He was faintly squeamish at the thought of it, but he knew Pilar needed him, so he’d agreed to be there when she asked him.

  Dr. Parker checked her when she got in, and after he did, she had a few mild contractions. And he was pleased to find that whatever contractions she’d had that morning had continued to dilate her cervix. It was obvious to him that it wouldn’t be long till Pilar had her babies.

  “Something will get started soon,” he promised, and then went home. But he said he’d be back again as soon as they called him. She and Brad watched TV for a while, and she dozed for a little bit, and then suddenly she awoke with a strange sensation. It was an enormous feeling of pressure.

  She called for Brad, and she looked faintly panicky, so he called the nurse and let Pilar explain it.

  “I think you might be in labor, Mrs. Coleman.” She smiled, and went to call the doctor, and a little while later a member of the house staff came to check her. Pilar made some objection to it, and just as she was discussing it with him she had a huge contraction. Her whole enormous belly seemed to be caught in a huge vise and squeezed until it force
d the air out of her and she almost couldn’t bear it. She squeezed Brad’s hand and tried to remember to breathe, and someone she couldn’t see cranked her bed up.

  “Oh, God … that was awful,” she said softly when it was over. Her hair was damp, and her mouth felt dry, just from one contraction. But her body knew she had a lot of work to do, and before the attending physician could discuss examining her again, she had another. And the nurse hurried out of the room to call her doctor and tell him that Pilar Coleman was in active labor.

  The second obstetrician came in to see her and to examine her and when he did, the contractions got instantly worse, and she tried to struggle against him. Suddenly things were getting out of control for her, two more doctors came into the small labor room, while two nurses worked on the IV in her hand. Another nurse strapped a monitor to her belly to check the fetal heartbeats, and the size of her contractions. But the pressure of the belt from the monitor made the contractions seem worse.

  It was horrible, she felt like an animal, strapped and trussed and being pulled at from all directions. Too much was happening, and she seemed to have no control over it whatsoever.

  “Brad … I can’t … I can’t …” She was trying to get away from all of them, but her enormous girth, and the ferocious pains, made it impossible for her to move at all. “Brad, make them stop!” She wanted all of them to leave her alone, to take off the belt and the IV, to stop hurting her. But they couldn’t leave her alone, her babies’ well-being was at stake, and Brad felt helpless as he watched her.

  He tried to say something to the head nurse, and finally to her doctor when he returned.

  “Isn’t there something we can do to make it easier for her?” he said hopefully. “The monitor is so uncomfortable, and I think the exams make the contractions worse.”

  “I know they do, Brad,” he said sympathetically, “but she’s got a lot of baby in there, and if we’re not going to do a cesarean, we need to know what’s going on. And if we do, all the more so. We can’t fool around.” And then the doctor turned his attention to the patient.