Mixed Blessings

by Danielle Steel

  “That’s a nice change after being a pretty rotten kid.” He grinned. He was a handsome boy, and he looked a lot like Brad.

  “You were okay,” Brad conceded half-heartedly, but with a teasing smile. “And you’re not bad now. How’s Chicago?”

  “Okay. But I’ve been thinking of coming back to the West Coast. Maybe getting a job in L.A. or San Francisco.”

  “Boy, would that be rotten luck!” his father teased again, and Pilar smiled broadly.

  “We’d love to have you back out here.”

  “I could baby-sit on weekends.”

  “Don’t hold your breath,” his sister advised Pilar as she joined them. “Every time he stays with us, he sleeps right through Adam’s screams, lets him play with the phone, and feeds him beer to ‘keep him mellow.’“

  “Yeah, and he loves it, right? Who’s his favorite uncle?”

  “He doesn’t have a lot of choice there, does he?” his sister razzed him.

  A little while later Christian woke up and shouted loudly for his mother. She went to feed him, and when she came back, the young people were ready to leave, and Todd kissed her and held her in a warm hug.

  “You look great, and my brother is gorgeous.”

  “So are you. I’m glad you came home.” He looked down at her and nodded, and he was glad too. They looked like they’d been through a lot, especially his dad, who seemed to have aged, and was obviously still desperately worried about her, but they seemed to be doing okay. And Pilar was sad, but she seemed to be coping.

  “Do you think they’ll do it again?” Todd asked his sister after they left, and were driving back to her place in the car.

  “I doubt it,” Nancy said, and then added confidentially. “A friend of mine went to a fertility specialist in L.A. and she said she saw them there. They never said anything to me, but I don’t think Pilar had such an easy time getting pregnant. They kind of acted like it was a big surprise, but I don’t think it was. I think it was hard work. And now they’ve had such a hard time with the baby dying.”

  Todd nodded. He was sorry for Pilar, he had always liked her.

  “I don’t know,” he said after a while, “I guess they must think it’s worth it.” And as he said it, he glanced over at his chubby little nephew fast asleep in his car seat in the backseat beside him. “Maybe it is … who knows?”

  And then, as Nancy glanced into the backseat at her sleeping son, she nodded.

  In Santa Monica, Beth had cooked an enormous turkey, and she was basting it for the last time when Charlie arrived with a huge chocolate turkey for Annie, and flowers for her to use as a centerpiece for their Thanksgiving table.

  “Wow! What’s all this?” she exclaimed, looking surprised and touched. He was always so thoughtful. They had been seeing each other for nine months, and she had never known anyone like him. He cooked, he brought presents, he bought groceries for them, he took them out, he sat for hours reading to Annie. He was just the kind of person Beth had always dreamed of and never found. He was a dream come true, and Annie absolutely loved him.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, you two.” He smiled as he set the flowers down, and Annie immediately began to take the brightly colored foil off the chocolate turkey.

  “Can I eat it now?” she asked excitedly, and her mother told her she could have one bite, and then she had to save the rest till after dinner. She made the most of the one bite, and took off the gobbler’s head, while Charlie kissed her mother.

  “Can I help?” he offered, but she said everything was done. She wanted to cook for him this time, and it was the most elaborate meal she had cooked in years. Usually she and Annie went out and either ate at a restaurant, or at friends’, it depressed her too much to cook for just the two of them on Thanksgiving. But this year there was so much to be grateful for. Everything had been so happy for them ever since Charlie had come into their lives. He seemed to chase the bad times away, and make everything right with them again. He made her feel as though someone cared, and she wasn’t alone anymore. She didn’t feel the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  When Annie was sick, he came and helped take care of her, and when she had trouble with her landlord, she talked to him, and during a strike at the hospital, he had even lent her money. She had paid every penny of it back as soon as she went back to work, she didn’t like taking advantage of him, but he was just an incredibly kind person.

  And that fall he had gotten involved with one of the orphans’ homes and he was still playing ball with a bunch of kids every Saturday morning. And afterward, he would talk about what they meant to him, and how he’d still like to adopt a little boy, when he felt he’d saved up enough money.

  She had never been as much in love with anyone in her life, and he was so good to her, but he never even hinted at the possibility of a future. He still felt he had no right to marry anyone, since he couldn’t have children. But she always told him she didn’t care, and even if he didn’t marry her, she thought he had a right to know that there were women who would think themselves lucky to have him, with or without babies.

  “What’s the big deal about that?” she had asked the last time they’d discussed it, one night after Annie was in bed, and they had made love. Their sex life was extraordinary, and it was always hard to believe he couldn’t have children. But she also knew that one did not guarantee the other. “I don’t know why you make such a big deal about it,” she chided him, “lots of people can’t have kids. So what? What if it were me? Would you feel different about me?”

  For the first time, he thought about it, and he had to admit he wouldn’t. “I’d be sorry, because you’re so good with them, you should have kids … but I’d still love you,” he said gently, and then they’d gone on to other things. There always seemed to be so much to talk about when they were together.

  On Thanksgiving, the three of them chatted constantly all through dinner. The turkey was great, and so were the mashed potatoes and the peas and the stuffing. She had gone all-out for him, just as he always did for her, and she sheepishly admitted that she thought his cooking was better.

  “Not on your life,” he said, smiling, “this was fantastic.” And the best part of it was that they were together.

  Afterward, the three of them went for a long walk, and Annie scampered ahead of them and then ran back to them, and by the time they got home again, she was pleasantly exhausted.

  They put her to bed at eight o’clock, and then watched TV, and Charlie made popcorn and it was delicious. And halfway through the first show, he began feeling amorous, and they lay on the couch and made out, like two kids, until they completely forgot whatever it was that they’d been watching. Annie was sound asleep by then, and they tiptoed into Beth’s room, and quietly locked the door, and a moment later they lay naked in each other’s arms, overwhelmed with passion.

  “God, Charlie …” Beth tried to catch her breath afterward. “How do you do that to me?” It had never been that way before, with anyone. And it was wonderful for him, too, because he loved her so much, and wanted her, and this time he knew his trust was well placed and she wouldn’t hurt him. He had been dazzled by Barbie three years before, but she had been the wrong girl for him and now he knew that. He knew a lot of things now, and he saw things differently than he had even six months before. Beth had changed his life, and even his views about having children. She had made him realize how he would feel about her if it were she who couldn’t have children. And suddenly he had realized that it really wouldn’t matter to him at all, that he would love her anyway, and that she had a right to a full life, whether or not they had children. It didn’t seem to matter so much anymore, and he stopped feeling guilty about what he couldn’t do and couldn’t have and couldn’t offer her. There was so much he could offer her, and now he wanted to, more than ever.

  “I want to ask you something,” he said that night as he lay holding her, and she turned her face up to his, and he smiled, thinking how much she looked like Annie. “I
want to tell you how much I love you, first,” and as he said it, she trembled. She knew that he felt he could never marry her, or anyone, and she wondered if he was about to tell her that he was moving on, that it had been nice, but it was over. She felt her body shake as tears filled her eyes, and she knew she didn’t want to hear what he was saying.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” she said, hoping to discourage him. “You know I love you.” She lay there praying he wouldn’t tell her what she feared, but he looked so sober as he lay turned toward her on her bed.

  “There’s something I want to ask you.”

  “Why?” Her big blue eyes looked enormous.

  “Because you’re important to me, and I don’t have a right just to tie up your life, as though I owned it.”

  “Don’t be silly … I … we have a good time together. I’d rather be with you than anywhere … Charlie, don’t—”

  “Don’t what?” He looked startled.

  “Don’t go.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and started to cry like a little girl, and he looked at her in amazement.

  “Do I look like I’m going anywhere? This wasn’t about going, it was about staying.” He smiled, touched by her reaction.

  “You’re staying?” She looked stunned, as she pulled away from him, her face covered with tears and her eyes filled with emotion.

  “I’d like to. I’d like you to stay too. I was going to ask you”—he hesitated for a beat, and then went on—“will you marry me, Beth?”

  She grinned from ear to ear, and kissed him so hard it made the bed shake. “Yes, I will,” she said breathlessly when they came up for air, and he rolled over in the bed with her, laughing with excitement.

  “Oh, wow! I love you! When?…” And then, he looked worried. “Are you sure? Even though we can’t have kids?” He wanted to be sure, just one last time, she had a right to refuse him.

  “I thought we were going to adopt,” she said calmly.

  “We were? When did we say that?”

  “You said you wanted to adopt a little boy, maybe even two.”

  “But that was if I stayed single. Now I have you and Annie. Would you be willing to adopt, Beth?”

  “I think I’d like that.” She nodded pensively, and then looked at him. “It would give a home to someone who really needs one, instead of just adding another baby to the world … Yes, I really would like that …”

  “Talk to me about getting married first. When?”

  “I don’t know.” She grinned. “Tomorrow. Next week. I have a week’s vacation coming before Christmas.”

  “Christmas,” he beamed, “and never mind the vacation. I want you to quit that job, I don’t want you working nights after we’re married. You can work part time somewhere while Annie’s in school, or get that R.N. degree you want.” It would only take her a year in school, and he could manage the rest, he was doing really well on commissions. “Christmas it is.” He smiled as he looked at her, and pulled her closer to him again, and in a moment their bodies confirmed it.

  Charlie and Beth were married on Christmas Day at United Methodist Church in Westwood, and Annie was their only attendant. They had a tiny reception at a local restaurant with a few friends. Mark was there, of course, with his newest girlfriend, and it was exactly what they had wanted. No showy event at the Bel Air, no jazzy guests. He had no one to show off to. He had a real woman and a real life, and a little girl who was his now. They had already talked about Charlie adopting her, and she said she wanted to be Annie Winwood.

  The three of them went to San Diego on their honeymoon. They went to the zoo, and visited the naval base, and stayed at a pretty little hotel Charlie knew, and they went for long walks on the beach. It was exactly what he had always dreamed, and never found before. Until Beth changed everything for him.

  She had quit her job, and gotten a job in the office at Annie’s school. Everything had worked out perfectly. And she wanted to go back to school for her nursing degree in September.

  “Are you as happy as I am?” Charlie asked her as they walked on the beach in their bare feet the day after Christmas. It was a glorious day, and the sand was cool, but it was warm enough for Annie to go barefoot. And she was having a great time running ahead of them and running back, like a puppy.

  “I think I’m happier.” Beth smiled. “I’ve never had anything like this. My life was such a mess the last time I got married. I was stupid and young, and he was such a bastard. I never got anything decent out of that whole mess.”

  “Yes, you did”—he smiled, reminding her—“you got Annie.”

  “That’s true. I guess there’s a blessing in everything. But sometimes it takes a long time to see it.” He still wasn’t sure about the blessing he had gotten out of his marriage to Barbie. That had been so disappointing. But at least it was over, and now he had a real life to look forward to with Beth. It was a life that offered him everything he wanted, companionship, tenderness, honesty, love.

  “I just hope I can make you as happy as you’ve made me,” he said as he put an arm around her shoulders, and she smiled, she felt so safe when he was beside her.

  “You already have,” she said softly, as Annie waved them on.

  “Come on!” she shouted in the breeze. “Wait till you see the sea shells!” They smiled and ran after her, chasing each other down the beach and laughing, as the sun rose in the winter sky and seemed to smile down on them with a blessing.

  Christmas at the Goodes was chaotic, as usual, only this year slightly more so. Gayle and Sam and their husbands and broods were there, and Andy and Diana had come back to the fold to spend Christmas with them, with Hilary, of course, and Diana was eight and a half months pregnant. She lumbered around, trying to chase Hilary as she pulled herself to a standing position everywhere and endangered her life with whatever she found on the coffee table.

  “She’s a handful, isn’t she?” her mother commented admiringly. She was a beautiful baby and a happy little girl, and the source of endless joy to Andy and Diana. Everyone remembered the fact that they hadn’t been there the year before, their marriage had almost been on the rocks, and they had gone to Hawaii to try to repair it. It was after that, Diana had reminded him just the other day with a wry look, that Wanda the surrogate had wandered into their lives and out again just as quickly. But the separation that had resulted had done them both good. And then suddenly there was Hilary in their lives, and now their own baby. It made their heads swim, but Diana had never been happier in her life. The pregnancy had gone well, and she was feeling terrific.

  She had extended her maternity leave, of course, and the magazine was giving her until June to return now.

  “How’s it going?” Jack asked amiably as he watched her and his wife set the table, while Sam tried to settle a violent dispute between her two older children.

  “Fine.” Diana smiled, she still remembered the day he had told her she was pregnant and she thought he was crazy.

  “Any day, I’d say.”

  “I’m not due for almost three weeks,” she said knowingly, and he shook his head and frowned, pondering her stomach, and then gently felt it like a large melon.

  “I’d say you’re a lot closer than you think, Di. It’s practically between your knees. How long’s it been since you’ve seen your doctor?”

  “Oh, for chrissake, Jack,” his wife growled at him, “stop playing Dr. Kildare, it’s Christmas.”

  “I’m just telling her she’s closer than she thinks, the baby’s dropped, and I’ll bet you anything the head’s engaged.”

  “Yeah, that’s what you told me, and I was two and a half weeks late.”

  “All right.” He shrugged, throwing his hands in the air. “So I’m human.” And then he turned to Diana seriously again. “I’m serious. You ought to go in, in the next few days, to get checked, I really think it’s dropped. I’ve never seen a baby so low on a woman who wasn’t in labor.”

  “Maybe I am and I don’t know it.” She laug
hed at him, and then she reassured him that she was seeing her doctor on Monday.

  “Stranger things have happened.” He laughed, and then went to share a drink with his father-in-law. He was off call and could let his hair down.

  The girls helped their mother as usual, and when the bird was cooked, the men carved it, and huge platters of food went out to the dining room. Everyone was in a good mood this year, the children were lively but well behaved, there were no family feuds, and everyone had long since forgiven Diana for her Thanksgiving outburst the year before. Once they realized what had been happening to her, they all understood it. Even Gayle seemed to soften toward her sister.

  “You’re not eating anything,” her older sister said, as she glanced at Diana across the table.

  “No room.” She smiled, and then glanced at Andy. He was having a good time, talking to Seamus. Their Irish brother-in-law always had wild stories to tell about someone. They were usually not true, but they were always funny.

  And when their mother went to put seconds on the trays, Diana went out to the kitchen to help her. She said her back ached and she needed to get up. And as she went into the kitchen, Andy noticed that she looked distracted. And then he saw Jack watching her and wondered. She was rubbing her back again when she came back, and made several trips back to the kitchen to help her mother, and Sam whispered softly to Jack, “She’s awfully restless.” He nodded and went back to his dinner, chatting with everyone at the table. And a few minutes later, Diana was back in her chair and she seemed fine. She was laughing and talking, and then suddenly she stopped, and glanced at her husband. But he didn’t see her watching him. She excused herself then and went upstairs, and a few minutes later she came back, and said nothing.

  It was after dessert that she said to Sam that she wasn’t feeling so great and she was going upstairs to lie down, but not to tell anyone. It was just indigestion.

  And it was another hour later when Andy looked around for his wife and couldn’t find her. “Has anyone seen Di?”

  “She’s upstairs throwing up,” her oldest niece supplied, and Andy hurried upstairs to find her.