The Gay Teen's Guide to Defeating a Siren: Book 1: The Seeker

by Cody Wagner

  “He has to be,” Cassie said.

  Roze opened her mouth to retort when the fourth period bell rang. Roze and I gaped at each other, mouths open in shock. We were late for gym.

  “We have to go,” I said to Cassie. I’d already begun jogging towards the field, thinking of the trouble we were in.

  “Just a little longer,” she begged. I was surprised she was considering being late to class, but it didn’t deter me.

  “No way,” Roze said, joining me. “Adkins is gonna kill us.”

  With that we took off for class as Cassie stepped over a hedge and peered into another window.

  * * * * *

  At 6:30, a half hour before the curtain opened, there was still no sign of Jimmy. Roze, Cassie, and I paced outside the door to the theater, exchanging worried looks. Occasionally, Darrin would pop his head out and ask if we’d seen him. Each time we shook our heads, he looked a little more desperate. At one point he asked if any of us had his part memorized. I started to say, “I do,” when he interrupted, “Not you, Trales,” causing Roze to snort.

  Twenty minutes later, the theater was half full as more students and teachers filed in. Jimmy was still a no show. I wasn’t even in the play but my heart raced and I couldn’t stop shuffling around. I didn’t know if I felt worse for Jimmy or all the people who’d worked so hard on the play. No, I definitely felt worse for Jimmy.

  At 7:01, I couldn’t take it and bolted for the door.

  “Where are you going?” Roze asked.

  “To find him.” I didn’t know where to look, but I had to try.

  Clenching my fists, I pushed open the door and barreled right into Jimmy, who was running as fast as he could. It felt like a car crash, and we both fell to the ground, gasping for air. Roze sprinted over and helped Jimmy up.

  “You’re OK. Now get going.” She pushed him toward the door.

  “I haven’t even gotten to practice my lines,” he panted.

  “You know every single part,” Cassie said, grabbing his hand and leading him in.

  I continued to squirm on the ground; he’d knocked the air out of me.

  When Jimmy was inside running for the theater, I managed to push myself up.

  “Thanks for the help,” I muttered.

  “Oh, are you still here?” Roze said, smiling. I poked her in the ribs and, together, we made our way into seats near the back.

  * * * * *

  The first time Jimmy appeared on stage, Cassie clapped and everyone looked at her. Giving the entire audience a dirty look, Roze joined in and started cheering. Jimmy blanched like he’d just farted. A few people snickered, which didn’t help, and Jimmy began shaking.

  My stomach churned for him; it was just like the audition. Before I could rethink my decision, I stood in my seat and gave him a huge thumbs up. He actually smiled and, taking a deep breath, delivered his first line, then the second and third. Soon, he was completely in character, just like we’d seen at the audition.

  I had never seen a play (other than my elementary school Christmas production, where I was a dirty sheep with no lines), but thought this one was awesome. Maybe I loved it because the story revolved around a guy who went to a school similar to Sanctuary. Either way, the audience watched as if in a trance. Darrin’s writing helped—it was good, very good. But what really carried the play was Jimmy.

  People’s heads followed only Jimmy as he moved around. It’s like every other character hid behind a fuzzy screen while Jimmy was magnified. In the story, Jimmy’s character, ‘Blake’, tried forming a relationship with ‘Jorge’, played by a member of Luke and Darrin’s workout group. At first, it was funny watching Jorge—tall, muscular, and cocky—fall for small, chunky Blake. After a while, though, everyone fell for Jimmy. He brought his real life earnestness to the part and glowed onstage.

  As the play progressed, Jorge’s parents caught on and tried pulling him from the school. It made me wonder how close this was to Darrin and Luke’s relationship, but I forgot all about that as Blake sat on a bed, crying while Jorge packed a suitcase. In that moment, I didn’t see Jimmy or Luke or Darrin; I only saw Blake and Jorge. Just before Jorge walked off stage, he leaned in and kissed Blake. They stood there, kissing, as the curtains lowered.

  It was probably a bit melodramatic, but the entire audience jumped up, cheering. Everyone, that is, except for me. I felt something harden in my stomach after seeing Jimmy kiss that other guy. What was that about?

  I forced the thought aside and stood when Jimmy walked out for the curtain call. His old self had returned and he shifted back and forth, self-conscious and awkward. The audience roared in applause at him, causing him to look down, smiling. I shook out of my stupor and, together, Roze, Cassie, and I clapped the loudest, shouting things like, “You’re a movie star!”

  After the play was over, the cast gathered for a small party. Jimmy invited us and we walked backstage, looking around in awe as if at a rock concert. I childishly thought about getting autographs, but the cast was too busy talking about snafus they had to cover. Instead, I leaned back against a wall and watched. Seeing Jimmy so animated gave me that feeling in my stomach again. I heard him say, “I auditioned for Nickelodeon once,” in his squeaky voice. Instead of rolling my eyes, I actually laughed.

  Jimmy saw us standing there and hopped up. Making a hasty excuse, he ran over, ignoring the rest of the cast.

  “What did you think?” he asked, his eyes begging.

  We all jumped in with words of praise. I said, “Nickelodeon was stupid for turning you down.”

  He blushed and gestured down at his body. “Well, you know, I wasn’t looking this svelte.” He paused before adding, “Thank you.”

  My face tingled and I shrugged. “Don’t thank me. You’re the one who did it all.” It felt cheesy and I normally would have made a joke, but that weird sensation hit me again. Jimmy leaned back and I found myself staring at him as if he were a different person.

  “What,” he said, forcing a laugh.

  Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed him. Actually, it was more like I rammed his face with mine.

  They say you feel sparks or fireworks during your first kiss. Or that it’s so amazing, you raise a leg like a dog. None of that happened to me. Instead, I felt mortified and ashamed, especially when the entire room broke out into applause.

  Wringing my hands together, I pulled away, feeling naked. My entire body was on fire from embarrassment. Jimmy, on the other hand, stared at me, thrilled, as the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile. I couldn’t take it, and before he could do anything else, I bolted from the room.

  Nineteen

  The Protest

  The next month was awkward with a capital A-W-K-W-A-R-D. Neither Jimmy nor I mentioned the kiss at all. He did look at me expectantly almost every time we met, though. At first, Roze did too. When all of us were together, she’d subtly find ways to make me stand next to him. I think his hand actually brushed mine a couple times on purpose, but I pretended nothing happened. Cassie studied me a lot but never joined in. In fact, I got the impression she didn’t want Jimmy and me together. Once again, she must have known something I didn’t.

  After a few weeks, it became clear I wasn’t going to push it any further, and, sensing my discomfort, Jimmy shrank in retreat. True to himself, he tried pretending everything was normal, but the weirdness was like body odor, constantly following us around.

  Despite the discomfort, we still met at Jimmy’s every day. And we still worked out all the time. However, our conversations became forced. Jimmy and I found ourselves nervously laughing at nothing (“My shoe came untied . . . Heh heh.” “Heh heh. Then you should tie it.”). Roze and Cassie were caught in the middle and I don’t think they were too happy. Roze lectured me about leading him on.

  I didn’t do it on purpose, though. Since that night, I felt so uncomfortable and guilty and confused. I didn’t want to kiss him again, and I didn’t know why. That was the worst part.

  As the
month drew to a close, I decided to talk to Cassie about it. As always, it was a little odd airing my personal problems, but I figured she could help (without making fun of me). I breached the subject in history the following afternoon.

  “So why do you think you kissed him?” she asked.

  Resigning myself to talking about it, I leaned my head back and thought for a second. The only thing that made sense was, “Maybe I found myself attracted to Jimmy’s character.”

  “Interesting. Why do you say that?”

  “I don’t know how interesting it is. But maybe I got caught up in his performance. And, for a second, I saw him as Blake instead of Jimmy.”

  “The play was pretty emotional.”

  “Exactly. And he was like a different person up there.”

  She nodded and tapped her index fingers together. “So how do you feel now?”

  “I don’t know. Embarrassed. Guilty.”

  “Why guilty?”

  “I guess because I feel like I’m leading him on.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  That was an easy one. “Yes.”

  She cocked her head and looked at me in her weird way, causing me to lean back a bit.

  “You know what I think it is?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “I think it’s conditioning.”

  “Huh?”

  Cassie straighted up and went into her debate mode. “You’ve been told being gay was wrong your whole life, right?”

  “Right. But I don’t believe it.”

  “You don’t. But I think, on some level, your mind does.” She smiled sadly. “Prejudice has a funny way of lodging itself in your brain.”

  I squinted at her. “So you think, like, my subconscious thinks it’s wrong to kiss a guy or something.”

  “Exactly.”

  I thought about that for a second. It seemed ridiculous at first, but, after feeling it out, the idea made sense. It certainly explained why I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my guilt, and why I felt so wrong for kissing him. Still, the idea was totally unnerving: my mind was homophobic!

  “So what do I do? How do I fix it?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “This is part of what Wolcott talked about at orientation.”

  “What?”

  She groaned in frustration, and stared at me again. “You’re obviously not ready to date. That doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you. You just need more time to accept yourself.”

  “Wow,” I replied. She was right. I’d been thinking, Sexuality is a part of self, for so long, I thought I really believed it. I guess I was still coming to terms with everything. Running that through my head a few minutes, I realized what I had to do.

  * * * * *

  That night, before our workout, I asked Jimmy if we could take a short walk. Nervous and excited, he agreed, and we stepped out into the cool air. Jimmy’s pants were way too big now and he had a constant grip on them. That, coupled with Tanner following us around, made me smile to myself. It was a pretty funny image and I used it to calm myself.

  Before speaking, though, I realized Tanner would overhear everything. The last thing I wanted was for a grownup soldier to hear my gay teenage problems, so I stopped and turned to him.

  “Do you mind giving us a little space?”

  He didn’t budge, so I rolled my eyes and added, “We’ve been hanging out every day for weeks. If I wanted to do something to Jimmy, I’ve had a million opportunities.”

  Tanner looked from me to Jimmy. I definitely saw pity on his face. Did Tanner feel sorry for Jimmy? Did that mean he was OK with the gay thing? Either way, Tanner nodded solemnly and took a couple steps away. He was still well within earshot.

  “That’s it?” I asked.

  He didn’t respond, and I assumed that was the best it was going to get.

  “So?” Jimmy asked.

  I could tell he wanted to inch a little closer, but he left a small, nervous gap between us. I didn’t narrow or widen that gap as I said, “So I wanted to talk to you about what happened after the play. With the . . . you know.”

  “You don’t have to explain it,” he interrupted. “I know what happened.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. You got caught up in the excitement and everything. I did too.” His voice went screechy. “It didn’t really mean anything.” He smiled, but I knew he wasn’t happy.

  “That’s what I thought at first, too.” His smile dropped and I threw in, “Not about it not meaning anything. I mean about getting caught up in the excitement.”

  He looked back at the ground. “It’s what you thought at first? So what do you think now?”

  I let out a long exhale and said, “The thing is, I felt so guilty after what happened.”

  “Because you don’t like me like that,” he blurted, interrupting again.

  “Will you let me finish?” I said, slapping at his shoulder.

  He grinned.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked. “This is serious.”

  “I know,” he said. “It’s just that things have been so weird lately. That felt normal.”

  I sighed. “You’re right. I just needed to sort this mess out.”

  He nodded, yanked his pants up, and we took a few more steps.

  “So why were you guilty?” he prodded.

  “Well, I realized that kissing you felt wrong.”

  “Oh,” he said.

  “It wasn’t kissing you that felt wrong. It was kissing a guy.”

  He frowned in confusion.

  “Here’s the thing,” I said, “Something in me felt that kissing a guy was wrong. Any guy.”

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Apparently, my parents and our stupid preacher preached the evil of two guys for so long, part of my stupid brain believed it.”

  “I guess that makes sense.”

  “It’s all I have,” I replied.

  “It’s still kind of weird,” he said. He didn’t mean it as an insult. It was like his brain couldn’t process the idea that two guys kissing was bad. Seeing that, I stopped and faced him.

  “So you didn’t feel bad at all when I kissed you?”

  He thought for a second, then said, “Nope.”

  “Really?” I felt inferior, like my gay growth was more stunted than everyone else’s. “So what did you feel?”

  “I don’t know. Good. Excited.”

  “That’s what it’s supposed to feel like, right?” I said.

  “I think so,” he said.

  I nodded and we walked a few more minutes, with Tanner leering behind us like a stalker. I stopped Jimmy again. This time, I looked at him until he stared back at me.

  “Look, I’m really sorry for acting this way. It had nothing to do with you. I’m just . . . ” I gestured at myself, “messed up.”

  Jimmy reached out and poked my arm.

  “Did you know last year, when Luke and Darrin first started dating, Luke sometimes yanked his hand from Darrin’s?”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I saw it. I think he felt the same as you.”

  I stared at Jimmy. The news made me feel so much better. I wasn’t the only one suffering from weird issues. And Luke was older than me. Of course, after seeing his parents, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

  “How long did it last?” I asked.

  “A couple months.”

  “But it got better?”

  “Well, duh. Look at them now.”

  I gave Jimmy my death stare, but smiled. At that, we turned back and began walking toward the dorm to change for our workout.

  Halfway back, I saw a shape running towards us. It was Roze. When she reached us, she was so winded, she had to stop for breath.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Come with me,” she said, grabbing me and Jimmy by the wrists. She began dragging us back to the dorms. It reminded me of when my mom hauled me around the grocery store as a kid, so I pulled my hand back.

  “I know
how to walk,” I said. “What’s going on?”

  Her words were ragged, eeking out between gasps. “Zimmerman’s . . . Zealots . . . are at it . . . again.”

  I groaned, picturing them dancing around a coffin or some little kid with cancer. “What are they protesting this time?”

  “A gay pride parade.” She shook her head. “But this isn’t about what they’re doing. It’s about what we’re going to do.”

  My eyes grew wide. “What we’re going to do?”

  “You’ll see in a second,” she said.

  We walked a few steps when Roze froze.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  She leaned in and whispered, “Tanner.”

  “Huh?”

  She rolled her eyes as if I should have known exactly what she was talking about. “He can’t come.”

  Wow, I thought. This must be huge.

  I admit I really wanted to go, but I was torn. Jimmy’s biggest fear was being excluded because of his bodyguard.

  Jimmy stepped in and saved us the trouble of making a decision. “Hey guys,” he said, shuffling his feet. “With the play and all, I’m way behind on homework. I’m gonna skip out if that’s OK.”

  I watched him for a second and threw out my best “We’ll fill you in later” look.

  He nodded once, mouthed, You better, and headed off toward the library.

  I laughed and followed Roze as she made a beeline toward the 16-18 dorm. When she reached the front steps, I froze as if an invisible force field blocked the entrance.

  “What are you doing?”

  I had never been in the older dorm, and suddenly felt like an infant in diapers crawling to an adult party.

  “Will you grow up?” Roze said, sensing my discomfort. “It’s no different than yours.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me past the invisible barrier into the lobby.

  I had to admit, she was right. The older dorm was a clone of mine. Even the video games against the wall were identical. Except for the amount. At least four more machines were lined up against each other. For a second, my nerves were replaced with jealousy. Sure, I’d barely played any video games since arriving, but it would have been nice to have the extra options.

  Ignoring the games, Roze led me to the stairs and up to the second floor. My heart raced; I was deep in enemy territory. Don’t be stupid, I told myself. They’re only our enemies over Halloween. It didn’t help, though, because Luke and Darrin’s group lived here. I half expected the next issue of Blazing Trails to fall from the ceiling.