AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION Chapter 1

by PP

  “Just keep that thing away from me,” I said.

  But, the first thing the dragon handler did was break ranks and walk up to me. “Hey Czerinski,” said Guido. “You owe me five million dollars.”

  “What are you doing in the Foreign Legion, Tonelli?” I asked. “It looks like your pet lizard is wounded. Did someone shoot him?”

  “I’m broke. Everything was lost in the bombing,” said Guido. “And when you didn’t pay me, I had to do something.”

  “I paid you. The electronic transaction must have been destroyed when we got nuked,” I said.

  “That’s not good enough,” said Guido. “You still owe me five million dollars. You had a contract with my organization.”

  I turned to Lopez. “Shoot him, and the lizard he rode in with.”

  “You know him?” asked Lopez.

  “Wait a second,” said Guido, holding up his hand. “I was just kidding. I realize that we all are broke because of the war. We all are in the same boat and have to work together to stay afloat. Hell, I was so desperate, I was picking through the garbage trying to stay alive. The Legion is my second chance. I’m here to serve, sir!”

  “That will be the day,” I commented, skeptical.

  “Which reminds me,” said Guido. “When I was looking through the rubble at your old casino, guess what I found. That old metal hand you had on display.”

  “Really?” I glanced down at my new lifelike metal hand. “What did you do with it?”

  “I put it up for bid on eBay. Bidding was up to two hundred dollars the last time I checked.”

  “That is my hand. You can’t sell my hand without my permission.”

  “I told you I was desperate. I was starving.”

  I turned to Lopez again. “Lieutenant Lopez, I gave you an order to shoot him.”

  “Please,” said Guido. “I’ll be good. You can have half of what I get for the metal hand. That hand is a historic national treasure. Did you know that? We will get a lot for it.”

  “OK Tonelli,” I said. “But you keep that lizard and yourself as far away from me as possible. Don’t even speak to me unless I address you first. Got it?”

  “Yes, sir!” said Guido, giving me a salute.

  “Put Tonelli and his lizard on guard duty at the edge of town,” I said to Lieutenant Lopez. “I don’t want to see either of them.”

  * * * * *

  Guido Tonelli looked out past the sandbags. Total darkness. Guido put on the night vision goggles he had been given. The batteries were dead. He could hear something moving out in the field, but couldn’t see anything. The dragon was upset and let out a continuous growl as it stared out at the field. Guido tried to call for help on the radio, but its batteries were dead, too. Damn that Czerinski, thought Guido. This is his doing. Guido grabbed a flare and fired it into the air, lighting up the field in all directions. The field was full of spiders. Guido fired his assault rifle on full automatic. A spider soldier came at him from the side, but the monitor dragon took the spider by the neck. The spider fired wildly as it died. A grenade dropped into the bunker beside Guido. The dragon grabbed the grenade and jumped over the sandbags. There was an explosion followed by the dragon’s shriek. A web net was shot at Guido, and he fell to the ground, helpless. Spiders loomed over Guido, stomping him with their boots into unconsciousness.

  * * * * *

  On the horizon I could see a flare slowly drifting downward. “Reminds me of the Fourth of July,” I said.

  “That’s Private Tonelli,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “We had better go rescue him.”

  “It can wait until tomorrow morning.”

  “I realize you two have a history, but it would be bad for morale not to at least try to help him,” said Lieutenant Lopez. “I’ll take a couple armored cars to check it out. He’s not answering his radio.”

  “Hey Czerinski,” said a familiar voice on the radio. “This is the Lion of the Forest. I have your boy!”

  “Lion of the Forest?” I asked. “You sound like the ex-governor of Spiderville.”

  “You will refer to me as the Lion of the Forest, now,” said the ex-governor. “And the Scourge of Humanity. I have your legionnaire. What is his life worth to you?”

  “Depends on which legionnaire you’re talking about.”

  “His animal tags say ‘Guido Tonelli, Catholic,’” said the Lion of the Forest.

  “You have Tonelli? The United States Galactic Foreign Legion never negotiates with terrorists. Sorry, Tree Cat.”

  “For that disrespect, I will cut off Private Tonelli’s thumb,” said the Lion of the Forest. “I will mail Private Tonelli to you piece by piece unless you pay me one million dollars and release all political prisoners in your custody.”

  “Here kitty, kitty, kitty,” I taunted. “You don’t even know what a lion is.”

  “Of course I do,” said the Lion of the Forest. “A lion is a fierce mythical beast of Arthropoda’s glorious past. Agree to my terms or this lion will tear the heart out of Private Tonelli and eat it. I will video his slaughter to make an example of him on TV.”

  “I’ve actually seen lions,” I said. “And you are no lion. Private Tonelli knew the risks when he joined the Legion. Private Tonelli will bravely give his life doing his duty.”

  “Bullshit, Czerinski!” yelled Guido from the background. “Get me out of here, or you will never see the Shenandoah again!”

  * * * * *

  “Shenandoah?” asked the Lion of the Forest, as he cut the radio transmission. “Tell me about the Shenandoah.”

  “It’s a city in Virginia,” said Guido. “Czerinski’s hometown.”

  “Liar!” said the Lion of the Forest. He looked up at Guido, hanging upside down and wrapped in a web cocoon. He applied a shock from a baton. “You will tell me what I want to know, or I will burn and cut you slowly. Where is my starship?”

  “I will take you to it,” said Guido. “Then you will let me go?”

  “Tell me first. Then I will set you free,” promised the Lion of the Forest. “I give my word. Spiders never lie.”

  “Do I look like I just got off the boat?” asked Guido. “Why should I trust you when I’m hanging upside down? Let me down and I will take you to the Shenandoah.”

  “Humans always lie,” said the Lion of the Forest. “You can not be trusted.”

  “You don’t know who you are dealing with,” said Guido. “I am Italiano La Costra Nostra. I am a made man. I swear on my patron Saint Don Vito Cascio Ferro of New York I will not double cross you. I will lead you to the starship in exchange for my life.”

  “What is La Costra Nostra?” asked the Lion of the Forest.

  “La Costra Nostra is an established criminal syndicate with franchises throughout the galaxy,” boasted Guido. “We even operate on the five inhabited worlds of Arthropoda.”

  “You are a Freemason, aren’t you?” said the Lion of the Forest. “I should kill you now. Yes. I know of you Masons. Human smugglers infested our worlds with Masons years before official contact was made. Now your ilk secretly carve that evil Mason eye on our buildings and spray-paint our walls.”

  “No,” said Guido. “I am not a Mason. Masons are wimps. All they do is secret handshakes and get drunk at the lodge. La Costra Nostra is into making money and killing people.”

  “You are a Mason, and I’ll prove it,” said the Lion of the Forest. He went through Guido’s pockets until he found a dollar bill and pointed to the eye atop the pyramid. “See! You carry the symbol of the Mason in your pockets.”

  “I carry money in my pockets, you idiot,” said Guido. “You have an organization. You have fine soldiers. But you waste your energy blowing up convoys? Go into business with the La Costra Nostra, and we will run this planet within the year. We will make a fortune.”

  “It’s not about money,” said the Lion of the Forest. “It’s about getting rid of you human pestilence once and for all.”

  “Fanatic,” said Guido. He motioned to the dragon leader s
tanding next to the Lion of the Forest. “Life is too short to get involved with fanatics. We could sell that starship. It’s worth a lot of money.”

  “My starship will tip the balance of power on Inhabited Planet #6,” said the Lion of the Forest. “It will be the beginning of the end of humanity.”

  “Hello! You already lost the war. Your own Emperor wrote you off and gave this planet to the United States Galactic Federation,” said Guido. “I’m surprised your own soldiers don’t kill you. I’m through arguing with you. If you want to go to war on the wings of the Shenandoah, it’s fine with me. I’ll show you where it is. I just want to live through this without being carved up and mailed to Czerinski in pieces. Maybe we will be able to do business at a later time. The La Costra Nostra will live on, no matter who wins the war.”

  * * * * *

  “How did Private Tonelli know about the Shenandoah?” asked Lieutenant Lopez. “You holding out on me?”

  “No, I’m not holding out on you!” I said. “I don’t know how Tonelli found out about the Shenandoah, but it explains why he joined the Legion and got sent here. He wants to steal the Shenandoah from us.”

  “Tonelli can’t steal what is buried a mile deep under the casino ruins,” said Lopez. “He can’t know where the Shenandoah is hidden.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. Tonelli might have guessed where it is hidden. There might be rumors out there. If he leads the Lion of the Woods to the casino, they might start digging. Spiders love to dig. You know they dig tunnels everywhere. We can’t take that chance.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “Put up roadblocks between here and the old DMZ. I want Disneyland sealed up so tight, even a mouse couldn’t fart. No one in or out. Arrest more hostages. Continue interrogations until someone talks. We can still catch them while they are in the city.”

  “Maybe we should go to General Kalipetsis and work out a deal,” said Lopez. “Cut him in for a share.”

  “Not yet,” I said. “I don’t trust Kalipetsis. He wants to be President someday. It may come to that, but let’s try it my way first.”

  * * * * *

  “One of our guards has been killed,” announced the dragon leader.

  “Killed?” asked the Lion of the Forest. “I heard no shots.”

  “I think he was attacked by a wild animal. He was badly mauled, and his head is missing.”

  “What?” The Lion of the Forest he looked up at Guido. “We are leaving now. Get the car. We will go to another safe house, then to the tunnels, and then to the DMZ.”

  “If there are wild animals out there, perhaps we should wait until daylight,” suggested Guido.

  “Perhaps the human pestilence is right,” agreed the dragon leader, not wanting to go outside.

  “I make the decisions here,” said the Lion of the Forest. “We leave now!”

  “I tried,” said Guido, giving the dragon leader a wink. “At least untie me. If I get attacked by a pack of wild animals, I want to be able to defend myself. I heard about the javelina in these parts.”

  “Javelina?” asked the dragon leader. “What is a javelina?”

  “Javelina are a pig-like animal imported from Old Earth to enforce the curfew,” said Guido. “Except they have all gone feral. Now they just roam the streets at night, killing everything. Haven’t you noticed the legionnaires don’t like to patrol at night?”

  “It’s true,” said the dragon leader. “The human pestilence don’t like to patrol at night.”

  “Nonsense,” objected the Lion of the Forest. “We conduct operations at night all the time, and we have never lost anyone to javelina.”

  “I don’t see how you can say that,” said Guido. “You just lost someone. His head was torn off.”

  “I’m not going out there,” said the dragon leader. “There could be packs of javelina waiting in the darkness.”

  “I’ve never seen javelina,” said the Lion of the Forest. “There is no such thing.”

  “You never do see them until it is too late,” advised Guido.

  “I found mention of javelina in the data base,” said the dragon leader as he read his notepad. “It’s a fierce pig-like creature from the American Southwest. See. It’s American!”

  “Let me see that,” said the Lion of the Forest, snatching the notepad. “It says nothing here about javelina being used for military purposes.”

  “It wouldn’t,” said Guido. “It’s probably classified.”

  “Fine,” said the Lion of the Forest, turning to the dragon leader. “Radio all pickets to withdraw indoors until daylight. Tell them to keep an eye out for javelina. They run in packs, and we have already lost one freedom fighter to them.”

  * * * * *

  “Lopez, what is a javelina?” I asked.

  “It’s a small wild pig that lives in the desert,” said Lopez. “They might be extinct.”

  “Are they dangerous?”

  “No, but I hear they taste good. They are afraid of people, and for good reason. Usually they run away because they have been so extensively hunted.”

  “Corporal Kool tells me he is intercepting Spider radio transmissions about javelina,” I said. “It seems the spiders are afraid to go out at night because packs of wild javelina are loose on the streets, put there by me. They’ve already lost three spiders to the javelina. Bodies were found badly mauled and decapitated.”

  “No, that can’t be right,” said Lopez. “But let’s go with it. We can put up signs that say anyone violating the curfew will be eaten by javelina. It will help bottle up the city while we conduct house to house searches.”

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  CHAPTER 3

  “Captain, it’s the Lion King on the radio again,” said Corporal Kool. “He is demanding to talk to you.”

  “Thank you, Corporal,” I said. “Mufasa! It’s been a while since we last talked. Is Private Tonelli still alive?”

  “Yes, but not for long if you don’t come up with his ransom,” threatened the Lion of the Forest. “Do you have the money? Are you releasing all political prisoners?”

  “In a show of good faith, I will release a few hostages today,” I said. “But I need permission from General Kalipetsis to release more. Also, we are having trouble raising the ransom.”

  “To show my good faith, I will lower the ransom to a half million dollars,” said the Lion of the Forest. “How much money have you raised?”

  “Forty-six dollars,” I said. “It’s the economy. That, and no one cares much for Tonelli. He kind of grates on people.”

  “Don’t you want your legionnaire back in one piece?” asked the Lion of the Forest. “I will kill him slowly if you cross me.”

  “To tell you the truth, Tonelli isn’t one of our best legionnaires,” I said. “Did I tell you Tonelli is a compulsive liar?”

  “Maybe,” said the Lion of the Forest. “But even liars tell the truth if you squeeze them hard enough. Tonelli says there might be buried treasure under the rubble of your old casino. What do you think about that?”

  “If that was true, I wouldn’t be here,” I replied. “There might be a few coins, but I’m sure my many bloodsucking creditors are already sifting through the ruins.”

  “We will see,” said the Lion of the Forest. “You will immediately stop all your house to house searches. If not, I will explode nukes inside the city limits. I might even tunnel under City Hall and take you out with a nuke.”

  “Nuke Disneyland? And kill many of your own citizens?” I asked. “You wouldn’t dare. We have seismic detection devices listening for your digging. If you make any new tunnels, I’ll pump nerve gas into your holes.”

  “The city has been nuked before,” said the Lion of the Forest. “One more time won’t matter. The place is a dump, anyway. We have plenty of tunnels already under the city. And your nerve gas won’t penetrate our exoskeleton.”

  “How about if I release javelina in the tunnels?” I threatened. “Which reminds
me. I hear you are afraid of the dark.”

  “Your releasing javelina inside the city limits constitutes a war crime because of the harm to civilians,” said the Lion of the Forest. “You will be held accountable for that. All of you human pestilence will be held accountable.”

  “You are trapped inside Disneyland,” I said. “You had better stop resisting the peace treaty signed by your own Emperor, or it will be you who is held accountable. I demand you return Private Tonelli now.”