The Mason List

by S. D. Hendrickson

“That’s it, Alex.”

  “Maybe two,” I teased her. “I’m twenty-one and you can’t stop me anymore.”

  “Alex.”

  I giggled, following her perfect, blonde curls down the stairs. Jess bumped against me on the steps. His fingers slipped around my hand. He did that sometimes and I let him. After my father’s wedding, Jess and I never discussed the implications of our Band-Aid fix to the real problem. I think we both felt anything spoken would harm the fragile state of our truce. Our casual interactions became something I dubbed the new normal. Something without a defined future. Something we both ignored.

  I let him hold me. I let him touch me. It felt so comfortable and sweet, even though it was coated in twisted guilt and unspoken issues. I lacked the strength to stop it. I was selfish. Every time I wanted to establish some clarity, all the hurtful memories of those months without Jess pelted my senses. So I was his and he was mine, at least in this selfish, twisted way.

  As we reached the end of the staircase, Jess slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me to his side. I smiled at him. “I’m not riding that bull.”

  “Who said anythin’ ‘bout a bull,” he laughed at me as the lights sparkled around us in the dark parking lot. His pink lips grinned just an inch away from touching mine.

  I knew if he ever kissed me, this truce would be over. I would drift away into the feel of his lips. I would let him do anything he wanted and it terrified me. I couldn’t lose Jess again. I needed him. I needed him the way I needed air; a little bit every day just to survive in this dark world.

  Chapter 36

  Today, 4:20 a.m.

  I am awake. I am asleep. I am calm because I am not really awake. I am somewhere in-between. Some place where the meadow grass blows in the breeze. Some place I don’t feel the ache in my chest. I open my eyes and look out in the early morning darkness. I was here in Dallas just yesterday when everything was sunny and the buildings glowed in happiness. I was here before this place spoke of pain.

  My father pulls into the entrance. The building seems frozen in the quiet parking lot. My mind plays tricks on me and the shadows speak of torture and pain. My nostrils fill with a rotten smell that doesn’t really exist.

  “Hey Alex, you awake?” My father’s hand squeezes my left thigh.

  The shadows reach out and grab me around the throat so I can’t speak. I turn toward my father. He is tired. His eyes show worry and concern and sadness as the lights sparkle in the dark parking lot. He leans across the console and grabs my hand.

  “You ready to go inside, Alex?”

  I pull my hand away from him. I’m not ready for the truth so my mind slips into this numb, empty void.

  “No. Can I be alone for a while? I haven’t really been alone, you know.”

  A void fails to sling tears. A void fails to comprehend pain. A void is easier than the truth.

  “I…I guess.” His hand nervously scratches the side of his jaw. “You have your phone. Call me or Caroline if you need someone to come out here.”

  “Ok. I may just rest for a while.”

  “Alex?”

  “I won’t do anything.”

  “Call me.” His eyes plead with me.

  “Ok.”

  The truck door shuts. Silence. My heart pounds in my chest and it vibrates into my ears. I feel a panic attack as I sit alone with my thoughts. It spreads through my chest and down into my stomach. The rotten smell fills the cab. The stench becomes stronger. The internal rumble clenches low with each breath of the imaginary smell. I will my stomach to a calm, but eventually surrender.

  Slinging the door open, I vomit a pile of soup and slinky noodles. It splatters in every direction across the cement and on the tan door of the truck. I wipe my lips across the blue stars on my wrist and shut the door. I lean back into the seat, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks.

  “I should have told him,” I whisper to myself. I should have told him and now it was too late.

  Chapter 37

  When I was twenty-two…

  I watched from the safety of my dark sunglasses, with sweat dripping down my forehead. Sadie sat next to me in the adjoining chair; her rambling words echoed faintly in my left ear while I remained immersed in the volleyball game. I just wanted to watch the boy without feeling the weight of the world.

  He tossed the white ball a few feet above his head. As he jumped in the air, every muscle across his chest constricted then released, sending the serve hurling across the net. The other team missed with a face dive into the sand. Jess lifted his baseball cap, running his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. His long eyelashes winked in my direction as he walked back for the next serve. Jess looked sexy today. My cheeks burned at the thought.

  “Don’t you agree?”

  “Hmm?” I absently muttered.

  “You are so exasperating right now. The belligerent sexual tension, filtering back and forth between you two, is worse than usual this week.”

  “Stop being ridiculous,” I spat at Sadie. Everything about her was driving me crazy today. Her blonde curls were tucked elegantly under a large derby hat that was more appropriate for the running of the horses than a spring break volleyball game.

  “Really? What did I just say?” She reached into her pink cooler that matched her magenta Ralph Lauren sundress. Pulling out a wine bottle, Sadie filled an actual crystal glass with Sauvignon Blanc.

  “It started with boring blah, blah and ended with insult, insult.”

  “Alex, I’m trying to be completely serious here.” Her sculpted eyebrows lifted with contempt in my direction as she took a sip.

  “It’s spring break. Nothing is supposed to be serious. Why can’t you just sit back and enjoy it for a change?” I gestured out toward a crowd lounging and drinking while Flo Rida played through the speakers.

  “Just agree to at least talk to Jess about it.”

  “I agree that wine glass is over the top for Padre. I’m not getting in a brawl for you when someone punches you.”

  “I guess your boyfriend can defend me.”

  “Really? You promised to keep those little comments to yourself on the trip.”

  “What am I supposed to do? You can’t even carry on a conversation because you’re too obsessed watching Tatum Channing out there.”

  “It’s Channing Tatum and Jess looks nothing like him.”

  “Ok, Ben Affleck in that beach movie?” She took another sip, leaving lipstick prints on the glass. “Or that vampire guy.”

  “Taylor Lautner? He’s not the vampire. Stop pretending you actually watch movies. It’s embarrassing.”

  “Embarrassing? I’m not the one imagining Jess naked right now.”

  She said the words right as he grinned at me again from the volleyball court. He was flirting from thirty feet away and not even trying to hide it. I shook my head. “I’m not picturing anyone naked. Let it go or I will be the one to punch you. That’s your two-minute warning.”

  “I’m trying to warn you. It’s impossible to escape the inevitable. You know that, Alex.”

  “I’m not talking about it Sadie.” Avoidance. I was good at it. I relaxed back in my chair to watch. That boy never looked better than he did today. There was only one Jess Mason, and not a single actor could ever compare.

  “Fine. But don’t blame me when everything explodes in your face. You both walk around in some unrequited, catastrophic ball of frustration aimed at each other. You have to be honest with him and yourself. I’m not pulling you out of some disgusting pile of your own filth when this backfires. Once was enough. Just stop staring and do something about it.”

  “It can’t happen,” I muttered. “Not at this point.”

  “Yes, it can, sweetie. It’s called having a discussion about your future. Not everything is diabolical, relationship killer news.”

  “I’m not in a relationship. Besides, it won’t be your problem. You and your fancy clothes will be walking the streets of Chicago.”

  “Alex, sto
p making me sound like a hooker and be reasonable. Jess deserves to be treated better than these passive, self-indulgent moments you give him.”

  “Just watch the game, Sadie.”

  And let me have this little moment, I wanted to scream at her. And I wasn’t self-indulgent. Everything I did was for his own good. I wish Sadie would keep her perky nose out of his life.

  Three months ago, something had changed Sadie’s view of my situation with Jess. It all started when she took him to a social function with the campus young Democrats. She needed a last minute date and Jess agreed to go with her.

  The next day, neither Jess nor Sadie bothered to divulge the details, but I knew something had changed. I felt it every time they crossed paths in a room; not flirty but something else that just failed to make sense. Sadie always liked Jess. After the night of the party, she shifted into full-fledged defense mode, leaving me perplexed and just plain confused as hell. I questioned Jess a few times and never got an answer.

  “Are you listening to me? If you just tell him everything, you could make this work.”

  I ignored her and looked at the sand. I was tired of hearing Sadie so I blocked out her voice. I just wanted to listen to Flo Rida and not think about anything, but my current view of the volleyball court.

  Jess glanced over at me again. My skin felt hot as he watched me, like I was the only person here and not surrounded by thousands of other spring breakers. He watched me and my breath caught in my throat. My whole body burned and it wasn’t from the sun. Jess winked again and went back to the game.

  Sadie was completely right. The pull between us was different this week. Maybe it was the fact Jess and I never had been somewhere on spring break together. Maybe it was the fact graduation loomed just a few weeks away. Maybe it was because I knew how things would change once he went back to Arlis for good.

  Over the last couple of years, Jess didn’t get much of the full college experience. This trip to Padre was unusual for him. He spent all his free time, trying to learn everything he could from Frank. We all knew the days with his uncle were limited, and Jess would soon be in control of Sprayberry.

  I would never forget the day Jess received the news that he would truly graduate. His face had frozen in this momentary pause of disbelief and then he went full on crazy. Jess scooped me up like a rag doll, shaking my body around while I laughed. The more I laughed, the more he laughed in gasps of insanity. The race was over. He won. Jess accomplished the impossible. He had worked at Sprayberry and would still graduate.

  Actually, his diploma resulted from the redemption promise I made to him. I swore come hell or high water, I would pull us both across that finish line, even if that meant long stretches of no sleep. My own double major had consumed all my daylight hours. More often than not, Jess had rolled into town late in the evenings, right before a test or major homework assignment. We had spent night after night, cramming and half sleeping on the floor of my apartment. I didn’t care. Every moment was worth seeing the smile on his face.

  Jess received his graduation news and we had celebrated. Mine came and I had lacked the guts to tell him. A week before spring break, I received my plans for the future. Only Sadie knew the truth, which she wanted to discuss over and over again on this trip. Avoidance. I liked to pretend I was good at it; except keeping this news from Jess, hurt like salt on wound. The achy feeling of dread was always there even as I watched him play volleyball.

  Jess took his position, wiping sand off his forearms. He queued up the final serve, allowing me a perfect view of the blue trunks, hugging every curve of his ass. The white ball flew over the net, continuing in a volley back and forth between the teams. It floated much like my relationship with Jess; an unspoken bliss destined to crash after years of avoidance.

  I had accepted the fact I liked this connected to him. I liked the way he looked at me from across a room. I liked the flirty way we fought with each other. I liked the way he made my cheeks burn red with just a wink from his blue eyes. I liked how our thoughts passed between us without a single spoken word. I liked his sweet face. I liked the way he kissed. I liked the way I still knew how it felt even though it happened years ago.

  I took my sunglasses off and rubbed my eyes. All of these feelings still lived in the shadows of his family and my very existence. However, the news I got a week ago, would finally send me in a different direction. For the first time since I was eight, I would be financially free of the Masons and I had no idea how to tell Jess.

  A gasp came from the crowd in our section. The boys failed to score, giving the other team another chance to serve. Sadie lifted that annoying hat, letting the sun reflect off her curls like shiny gold. She tucked the stray pieces back under before settling into her serious pose. She really was classic beautiful; flawless peach skin without a single spot. Her life would be exactly the way she chose it to be, with every twist and turn just part of a carefully constructed plan. Her first stop after graduation was Chicago; the beginning of Sadence McAllister's world domination.

  “Hey Sadie, promise me something?”

  “Sweetie, that depends. I am not making a promise without the details.”

  “You are going to one movie before we graduate. Just one for all those sleepy-ass lectors you made me sit through to better myself as a woman. You are going to one real movie.”

  “I can agree to it, but I have standards. The film can’t be anything related to superheroes. And I detest violence and those disgusting, strange horror movies you adore.”

  “Whatever. I pick the movie and I will let you sneak in sanitary wipes for the seats. Deal?”

  “Fine.”

  The people around us cheered, pulling my attention back to the game. The boys won. Jess and his old fraternity brothers would play in the finals tomorrow. He sauntered up in our direction, obviously happy with himself. His white t-shirt stayed draped over one shoulder, leaving his bare chest exposed with spatters of sand and sweat.

  “What'd ya’ll think? Good game?”

  “It’s settled. The voice is definitely McConaughey.” Sadie lowered her glasses as she watched him.

  “What's she talkin’ ‘bout?”

  “I have no idea.” I wanted to kick Sadie, but Jess stood right in front of me, bumping the front of his legs against mine. “You're getting sand on me.”

  As I dusted off my knees, he reached down and stole my water bottle. “We just made the finals. How ‘bout a little congratulations?” Taking the sweat-soaked, baseball cap off his head, Jess ground the canvas right into my clean hair.

  “I hate you.” I yanked it off, throwing the hat back at him.

  “I know.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the seat. “Come on. Seth wants to go over to the concert stage.”

  “Who’s playing?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Gross.” Sadie’s face ripped into a horrified pout. “I don’t want to be in the middle of all those nasty, sweaty people touching each other.”

  That was enough for me to agree. My dear old roommate needed to have fun for a change. “Get up, Sadie. It’s time to party.” I yanked her out of the chair and threw that ridiculous hat right back in the seat.

  “No,” she protested as I pulled her along beside me.

  The four of us trailed through the crowd to get closer to the area with the band. I felt like I was trapped in a Kenny Chesney video. Beer splashed down like a rain shower, leaving sticky traces across my shoulder. Sadie squealed.

  “Come on. It’s not going to kill you.”

  The band’s tempo picked up to a steady frenzy. The crowd changed from dancing to jumping in place; a beautiful synchronized rhythm. The buildup brought palms pointed to the sky; some were empty and others clutched brown bottles. My head dipped back in abandonment; the strands of loose hair tickled the back of my neck. My eyes closed. The world went black. The only conscious sound came from the band on stage with guitars and drums, beating into oblivion, getting wilder with every chord ch
ange.

  I bumped against another sweaty body. Opening my eyes, I saw Jess watching me with a grin on his lips. He was flirting again. I rolled my eyes. He grabbed my hand in the air above my head and sent my body around in a spiral. My feet gently rotated on each jump in the sand. Jess extended his arm out then pulled me back closer to him. We moved. We danced. We laughed. I let the music take me back to that place; the place where everything disappeared and I felt alive.

  "You havin' fun?"

  "Yeah," I answered him back.

  "I really didn’t think I would ever see you like some country band." He twirled me back out and around. Lacing his fingers through each of my palms, Jess pulled me closer to gloat.

  "This is not country."

  "They’re from Oklahoma."

  “Doesn’t make them country. I think you found yourself a rock band.”

  He shook his head no while I got close up to his face. Nose to nose, I nodded a smirky yes. Jess pushed my knuckles back slightly, threading his fingers through mine. “Stoney’s playin’ tonight.”

  “Is he now.”

  “We should come back. Maybe just us?”

  I shook my head no as his hands slipped around my waist. We danced the rest of the song with his sweaty body pushed against me in the middle of thousand people.

  The band switched to something with a heavy guitar intro. Letting go, I moved back next to Sadie. The girl had moves; the hidden rocker kind with wild, head-banging hair. We danced next to each other and with each other. For once, Sadie seemed to be an actual, normal college student.

  I wasn’t the only one to notice. Seth watched my roommate. The guy had it bad for Sadie and she wouldn’t give him the time of day. Seth got close enough to slip an arm around her waist. He smiled at her, flashing those perfect white teeth. Even with that, he never would have a chance with Sadie. I pulled out my phone.

  “Alex if you take one picture.”

  “Come on, Sadie.”

  “Absolutely not.”

  “You need to frame something besides all those stupid awards. I want you to have a picture of all of us in your fancy Chicago apartment.” I passed my phone to a girl in a florescent, yellow bikini top and cutoffs. The four of us scooted together as she took the first shot. I yelled, “Tequila!”