The Mason List

by S. D. Hendrickson

  “Where…where…” Panic made its way out in rambles. “Where…find…you’re not supposed to see that!”

  “Took some searchin’ but I found it and I’ve seen it.”

  “Searching? You were trying to find it? Why? Why did you go through my stuff? You had no right, Jess. No right!”

  “Sadie said you were obsessed with some list you made when we were kids. I thought…”

  “Obsessed!” I shouted, cutting him off. I paced, feeling more panicked as control left every cell of my body. “Well that makes me sound completely sane, doesn’t it? Glad the two of you had a little talk. When did she call? Just now? That bitch hung up after ripping me shit this morning before I was even awake. She knew I would sit there and be pissed at myself while she had the nerve to call you and make more problems, siding against me.”

  “I didn’t talk to Sadie today. Don’t blame her. And nobody’s gangin’ up on you. Last night I saw you with somethin’ through the window. I put it together and I wanted to know.”

  “It’s not what it seems. Just give it to me.”

  “I want you to talk because it obviously means a hell of a lot to you.”

  “But it has nothing to do with you.”

  “It doesn’t? Are you kiddin’? It’s about my family. Shit, Alex. You have me on here.”

  “Give it to me, Jess.” I growled the words. I needed control; to feel that paper in my shaking, sweaty palms.

  “Not ‘till you talk ‘bout what this means to you.”

  “What’s there to say? I hate your family. I hate Sprayberry. It’s all on there in one big fat list. It says it right across the top. Reasons I Hate the Masons. That should explain everything. Isn’t that what you want to hear?”

  I expected to see some stunned expression, followed by screaming words. I knew the anger that could come from his blue eyes. Today, in the dark light of morning, he stared at me with something else I couldn’t quite place. He let out a deep breath and scratched the side of his head. “Al, sit down and stop pacin’ around like you’re itchin’ to break somethin’.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Come on, Al. I know you better than anyone. I know.”

  “I don’t break things.”

  “We both know you do when you get upset. So sit.” He pulled me down on the mattress beside him and handed the paper to me. I quickly folded the page to cover the words. “When’d you start it?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Alex, you don’t really hate us. When did you start writin’ it? Talk to me.”

  “Fine.” I let my eyes zone out on a spot across the room. “I was ten. It was the night of the carnival when I threw up on your boots.”

  “When’d it stop?”

  “It hasn’t, Jess. Don’t you get it? I can’t let go. It eats away at me. I’m twenty-five years old but every time I open that paper, it’s like I’m eight again. It makes me feel…angry and…mad…and I want to smash things.” I trailed off. Jess didn’t respond. He was in deep thought. I had given him just a small sliver of the dark pieces I felt inside my soul. He wanted to know. Damn it!

  “Jess?”

  “Why didn’t you talk to me ‘bout it? I know you’ve had a hard time with this stuff but…”

  “Why?” The anger surged. I jumped up and resumed to pacing. “Why? I hated everything about why I came to live here. I hated being at Sprayberry. From the moment I arrived, all I ever wanted to do was leave. I sat at night thinking about it. Wishing for it. I missed my home. My real home. I missed my life, but we couldn’t leave. It was all gone. We had nothing. We had nothing except your damn family and their damn money.”

  I paced and paced slinging my arms. I looked crazy. I felt crazy. I tasted the venom in each biting word; a deep, toxic bile that came from the suppression of these feelings.

  “We lost everything. I’m not sure my dad even ate most of the time. We got kicked out of El Charro. The nasty El Charro, Jess. The black mold-infested El Charro and the meth head who kept me up at night as he beat the shit out of his girlfriend. You know he used to watch me and my dad? Every time we walked up the stairs, he sat on the hood of his car smoking a cigarette. The guy had this tattoo that looked like a demon down the side of his neck in black ink with these red, swirly possessed eyes. I’d try to sleep at night, but all I’d hear was his screaming. I’d dream about those blood red dots chasing me.”

  I laughed a little, shaking my head. “At least we had an actual room then. That was before we got kicked out of El Charro. That’s right. We couldn’t even pay to live there. So we slept in our car. Bugs crawled on me at night, Jess. Did you know that? Literal bugs. I felt them sticking to my skin as I tried to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I was terrified they would bite hunks out of my arms.”

  “Alex.”

  “No, Jess. You asked why. I’m telling you why. I’m telling you all of it. Did you know it was in July? Almost the whole month of July we lived in there. The heat cooked our nasty sweat into the cloth seats and made them reek. It was this disgusting smell like rancid meat and dirty ass. It stuck in my nose and it took hours to shake it when I got up in the morning. It made me feel dirty. I never felt clean. When you met me? That’s where I lived. That’s what I smelled like. You brought more shit to the hospital every day in that damn duffle bag than I even owned.”

  Jess got off the mattress and tried to touch my shoulders. I slung his hands away and stared into his face. “I can’t separate it, Jess. The bad stuff made me trapped in this messed up, co-dependency with your family. Every time I turned around, something else was thrown in my face. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t forget about it. I couldn’t accept it. No matter how many times my dad tried to cram it down my throat. So I made the list. I wrote it down. Every damn piece of it. In some twisted way, it made me feel better. I planned to make it right one day. Maybe it would lift this smothering weight from my chest. Maybe I could breathe again. Maybe I could finally let go. I could look you in the face with a clear conscious and not feel like some piece of gutter trash who…”

  “Alex, don’t say that.”

  “It’s the truth.” A tear fell down each side of my face.

  Jess touched my cheeks. I no longer had the strength to push him away. “Aren’t you tired? I mean aren’t you exhausted carryin’ this shit around?”

  “Yes.”

  “Sometimes things just happen. You don’t understand why. You just have to accept it was supposed to be that way so you can move on.”

  “You want me to just accept it? All of it, like it was supposed to happen?”

  “Yes.”

  “She was supposed to die. We were supposed to be homeless. We were supposed to come to Arlis. I was supposed to meet you.”

  “Alex, whether you believe it was supposed to happen or not, it happened. Pushin’ me away doesn’t fix any of it.”

  “I know, ok. I know.”

  “Then how long are you gonna keep punishin’ me for it.”

  “I’m not punishing you. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”

  “What’s that exactly?”

  “I don’t know anymore. It all became too complicated.” I was exhausted. I couldn’t think or feel anymore. My knees wanted to give out; too much processing in too little time.

  “I know it’s complicated, but livin’ here again, I see you around every corner. All the places we’ve been at Sprayberry. Alex, all the memories I have of this place, include you too. I know you never wanted to be here, but you were here. And I don’t wish it was any different. I just wish you saw it that way.”

  “I don’t know if that’s possible.” My eyes closed; the pressure building inside. I just couldn’t process it anymore. His pleading eyes felt like knives in my stomach.

  “Come here, Al.” His hands touched the side of my waist, pulling me closer against his chest. His boots stepped forward; one on each side of my bare feet. He was warm. I was cold. He pulled
my weight against him and I relaxed, feeling his familiar curves molding to my skin. Emotionally stripped and worn down on the inside, I let him hold me. I let him, once again, take care of me.

  “I love you,” Jess whispered against my head.

  “Why did you have to go and say that?” My arms went slack, and I backed away, pressing myself against the wall by the closet. The air pulled through my nose in stale gasps. A tremor started in my hand. I balled my fingers in a fist to snuff it out.

  “I’m sorry but it’s the truth. I know it scares you to hear it. Hell, it probably pisses you off too. But, I love you, Alex.”

  “Don’t say things like that.”

  “I know all of this shit is twisted up inside of you. I understand and I hate it too. I hate that you had to live it, but it happened and you can’t change it. And I can’t change it.”

  “No, but I can stop this with your family. Being with you is like taking the ultimate thing from the Masons and I can’t do that. I can’t be with you Jess.”

  “Then why did you sleep with me before you left? Did you really think you could just be some random hookup? That you’d be just some random girl to me? It hurt, Alex. It hurt like hell watchin’ you act like it never happened.”

  “We promised, Jess. No talking about it.”

  “I guess we aren’t talkin’ about last night either? I know you were just gonna leave again until you caught me with that paper. Just sneak away this mornin’. Right, Alex? You were just gonna sit across the dinner table eatin’ turkey. Just gonna look me in the eye and pretend it didn’t happen again. Act like I didn’t spend half the night inside of you.”

  “Damn it, Jess. You came to see me. You started it. I didn’t ask you to.” I felt the anger surge with the accusation and the blame. There would be no uncomfortable and deceptive Thanksgiving dinner if he had kept his hands to himself last night. If he had just got in his truck and drove back to his own damn house.

  “You sure as hell didn’t stop me and that’s my point.”

  “I thought we had an understanding.”

  “An understandin’? One where you have sex with me and we pretend it didn’t happen because you have deep grudge toward my family?”

  “Yes! I don’t know!”

  “She’s right. Shit!” He laughed, shaking his head. “Sadie’s right. I never thought I’d end up sayin’ it. I’m the hopeless dumbass.”

  “Sadie?”

  “How’d she put it? ‘Jess, you are positively one of the last of your kind and that will lead to a very destructive downfall.’”

  “What the hell did you talk about with Sadie?”

  “You. We talked about how you’re so jacked up. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I feel.” He shook his head. “You badgered me ‘bout that party? It drove you crazy not knowin’ what happened. But you couldn’t bring yourself to ask her because you were afraid to have her rip you up. I think you already knew. Didn’t you?”

  “Knew what?”

  “What we talked about. Sadie and I never made it to the party. We sat for hours at a restaurant. I think she planned it from the beginnin’. Get me away from you so she could hear my side of things. Sadie asked me if I just loved you or was in love with you. I said both. I can’t really separate how I feel anymore. It’s just the way it is. No end. No beginning. It just part of existin’.” His shoulders shrugged.

  “She felt sorry for me, Al. Sadie McAllister looked at me with those freaky shit eyes and felt sorry for me because she didn’t see this workin’ out the way I planned. You were too absorbed with the past, she said. You’d never let yourself actually love me. I’d never hear those words from you. I said I didn’t care. It didn’t matter how long it took, or where you went, or what you did. I had faith that one day you’d be ready and I would be here at Sprayberry, waitin’ for you because that’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s how this ends.”

  His breath came out in short bursts. The room felt claustrophobic. I watched him stare back at me from across the room; my body stayed pressed against the wall. This was completely insane. He really just said it; just spat that out and unleashed a whole truck load of problems. The thoughts tumbled around, spitting out the only thing I could process.

  “You’re not a dumbass.”

  “That’s all you’ve got to say?”

  “No.” My hand slid across my stomach, feeling the nervous rumbling. “I get it. It’s not that simple. You say it’s what you want but you don’t know any different. If you met me tomorrow as some random girl in a café, you wouldn’t feel the same way about me. I know you wouldn’t.”

  “But I did meet some random girl. She was standin’ in a hallway. I made her laugh. I made the random girl feel somethin’ when she was broken. I watched her face change. I’ve seen it a hundred times since then. Nothin’ makes me happier than knowin’ I’m the one that makes her feel that way.”

  “It’s not the same. We were kids. You were eight. And it wasn’t random. That hospital brought us together. That damn hospital and your damn money.”

  “You can’t change the past, Alex. And you have no idea how bad I wish I could change it for you. But I can’t. So you gotta choose to accept it or not. Accept me for who I am to you. Accept what the Masons did for you. You accept it all or walk away. It’s your choice. All I have ever done is try to hold on to somethin’ I thought was good. Somethin’ that makes me happy. Somethin’ that makes you happy if you’ll just let it.”

  A beeping noise came from inside his jeans pocket. His blue eyes seemed annoyed as he fished out the little phone.

  “Yup.” His face looked stressed as he listened to the caller. “I’ll be there in a few. You get the post hole digger hitched up. I’ll grab Reid and Bobby and see if we can head ‘em off before they reach Prickets’.” He nodded, “Yeah, I know. It’ll be hell if they scatter in that intersection. Ok…yup. Bye.” He flipped the phone shut and looked at me.

  “Something wrong?”

  “Yeah, that was Skeeter. Some idiot took out a chunk of fence across from Landrys’ last night. We’ve got ‘bout hundred headed down the road.” He seemed tense and already distracted with a hundred red faces. “Al, I gotta go.”

  “I know.”

  Jess stopped in front of me; the biggest conversation of our lives remained unsettled, like a basket of blood-soaked laundry dumped on the floor. His hands cupped the sides of my face; he looked troubled. Leaning forward, Jess acted like he would kiss me, but changed his mind and pulled away. He left down the hallway. Not knowing what else to do, I followed him outside the house. Clinging to the post on the front porch, I felt the chill of the cold air bite into my naked legs. Jess opened the door to his truck.

  “Al.” He let out a deep breath. “There’s no use fightin’ ‘bout it when you’re just gonna leave in a few days, and it’s just gonna hurt all over again. Let’s just eat some turkey and forget ‘bout it. I know it’s what you really want.”

  “You know I’m not trying to hurt you.”

  “Really? Then why does it feel that way? I love you. And you’re choosing not to love me back. That hurts pretty damn bad.”

  “Jess…don’t.”

  “Just forget ‘bout it, Al. I gotta go.” Jess pulled a cowboy hat off the dash and smashed it on his dark hair. He climbed in the truck, slamming the door. A loud rumble echoed as the pipes fired up, and he was gone in a cloud of dust.

  I leaned against the rail, letting the cool air numb my trembling nerves. I couldn’t shake what he said. Instead of going back in the warm house, my bare feet paced over the wooden boards; back and forth as a cold, gust of wind flipped up the edge of my shirt. I stopped, feeling no relief as the anxiety built in my chest. His face and those words; I still heard them echoing in my head. I saw them floating around, almost visible in the air after being hidden for so many years.

  The orange sun rose in a gradual assent in the sky, bringing light to Sprayberry. I sat my frozen thighs down on the black, wooden porch swing Caroli
ne had my dad install the last summer. Letting my numb feet hang over the edge, a feeling of peace came over me as I saw the familiar shadows change into full color.

  I forgot how beautiful Sprayberry was in the morning. Words could never describe the natural wonder and majesty of the place. Even though I was numb from the November wind, I sat swinging on the porch, watching the start of a new day as the sun beams brushed the earth, like a magic wand, bringing the place to life.

  My father and Caroline pulled up in front of the house. He got out, staring at me on the porch. “What are you doing, Alex?”

  “I’m um, just enjoying the morning.” My jaw shivered with the words. He climbed the steps and smiled at me. Leaning over, my father gave me a tight, warm hug that felt like a minute for every day I didn't return home. Jess wasn’t the only person hurt by my absence.

  “You’re cold.”

  “I’m ok. You came back early.”

  “It’s almost nine, Pumpkin.”

  “Oh.” My joints seemed frozen in place when I let go of his shoulders.

  “Let me grab you a blanket.” He stepped inside the house for a moment and returned with a brown, rugged one; a present for my father that I had bought my sophomore year with Jeeter’s money. I buried down beneath the soft folds. My dad took a seat next to me, causing it to swing with his weight. “So when did he leave?”

  “What?” I swallowed hard.

  “You two are about as predictable as the sun rising each morning.”

  “Oh.” I twisted a string on the side of the blanket around my pinky, making it turn red. “About six-thirty I guess. Someone ran through the fence over by Landrys’.”

  “I see.” His feet kicked up, sending us back and then forward. “So what happened that made you sit out here, trying to freeze yourself to death?”

  I pulled the string tighter, and the tip turned purple around my Foxglove colored nail. “We had a fight.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “I don’t know.” The thread broke releasing my finger. “I guess he said some things I didn’t want to hear.”