“I see.”
Caroline came out the door with two cups and a smile. “Here you both go. You need to get some coffee in you, Alex. Do you want another blanket?”
“No, thank you.”
“Alright. I’m gonna finish making pies. We’re supposed to be at the Masons’ at exactly noon.”
Her tiny frame disappeared back through the front door. It was times like these I was reminded of how happy I was for my father. Caroline was a blessing in his life. That man was gone; the broken one that once stood in a parking lot, needing the reassurance of an eight-year-old to survive. Somewhere along the way, the roles had reversed back to their rightful order. Maybe it was Caroline, or the Masons, or just plain time that made us come full circle. This morning, he was the parent, and I was the child, desperate for direction and comfort.
I sipped on the cup, feeling the vapors warm my nose. In a few hours, I would be subjected to a formal Thanksgiving at the big house as Jess and I stared across the table at each other; a stare of hurt and betrayal. I may have finally driven him mad.
“He’s been having a hard time, you know.” My dad took a drink, letting the black liquid settle. “The ranch stuff hasn’t been easy on him. The poor boy always looks exhausted, like he could fall asleep standing up. He stops by here on his way home. He tries to make it seem random. Makes up excuses, but I know he comes here instead of home because it’s the closest thing to you. It makes him feel like he still has someone to lean on.”
“Does he talk to you about it?”
“Not really. Caroline gives him some supper and he mostly just sits on the steps out here, staring out into the darkness. You’ve always been there for him and now he just seems a little lost.”
“You’ve got that switched around. He’s always insisted on taking care of me.”
“Nah. You two always took care of each other.” He tipped back the cup, finishing the last drops. The swinging was making me dizzy. The coffee swished around in my stomach, burning up through my chest.
“Well, that about does it. I’ll let you get back to thinking. Better not take too long. You don’t want to cross hairs with Eva Lynn if you hold up Thanksgiving by being late.”
“Yes, sir.”
My dad disappeared back inside to the old farmhouse; the place he now owned thanks to Jess. I remembered the day we moved in; sometimes it seemed like yesterday and sometimes it felt like a million years ago. I looked out in the distance, wondering if he found them all; the red faces running down the dirt road. I guess I would find out at lunch while he glared across the table, hating me.
Easing up from the swing, I went inside for a warm shower. It had been a very long morning and an even longer night; the smell of his body still lingered on my skin.
After getting ready, I spent the rest of the morning helping Caroline make pies, just like old times at Jeeter’s. She made a peach one, just for Jess, and a pan of mac and cheese. My father had it all wrong; Jess stopped by in the evenings for Caroline’s food, not me. It was like living at Jeeter’s.
We arrived at Mason Manor with only a minute to spare. Dr. Mason hugged my tall frame. Mrs. Mason leaned in for a quick kiss on the cheek, leaving a clear print of gloss.
“It’s good to have you back, Alexandra. I can’t wait for you to entertain us with your stories of Paris.” Mrs. Mason turned my wrist over, seeing the stars. I cringed for the inevitable reaction. A lady would never adorn herself with such items. She studied it for a moment then looked me straight in the eye with an odd smile. “Well, that’s an interesting shade of blue, dear.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I almost chocked on my own spit. She released my hand, and I followed her into the formal dining room that seated sixteen.
“I’m sure Jessup was excited to see you last night. I’m sorry he had to run off so early. The ranch eats into every minute of his time. I try to get him to slow down, but you know how he is, dear.”
Shit! The embarrassment blasted my cheeks, leaving me feeling naked. The whole damn town probably knew his truck was parked at my house last night. It didn’t matter how early he left, or how late he got there; somehow the gossips just knew in Arlis.
Dr. and Mrs. Mason took a seat at each end of the grand table. The distant cousins from Luckenbach had made the trip this year. Mr. Buckley, my father’s boss, whose wife had recently passed away, sat next to Caroline. I pulled up my usual chair beside her and looked across the table, seeing his empty seat with a fancy place setting of china, rimmed in gold. Two more with folded linen napkins held places for Skeeter and the boy formally known as Buzz.
Mrs. Mason presided over the dinner, leaving no question of her role as the matriarch of the house. After my time away, her voice felt like a strong glass of sweet ice tea. The meal carried out much like those in past hosted at the Manor, with one exception. Jess never came to dinner. At twelve-thirty five, the main telephone jingled with an incoming call. Her lips pursed into a disapproving frown as she talked with her son.
Every click of the grandfather clock counted off the minutes of his absence. I fielded questions about Paris. Mrs. Mason’s cousin Betty had gone back in 1972. She grinned while her eyes begged to share her stories. I handed the conversation over to her eager face, considering the entire platter of turkey and dressing I needed to choke down my tight throat. I ate a bite for me. I ate a bite for Sadie, the manipulative bitch. My layover in Chicago had one hell of an argument on the agenda for conspiring against me with Jess.
I looked at the empty plate across from me. I heard those words again. I love you. I fiddled with my mac and cheese. I love you. I wanted to pretend he never said it since that proved to be the only reasonable solution at this point. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear the pain in his voice as he got in the truck. You’re choosing not to love me back. I dreaded the moment he would come in the room. I dreaded those blue eyes. I dreaded the half smile he would flash at the others. I dreaded that angry and broken glare. I dreaded the pain he tucked away to keep the peace. You’re just gonna leave.
All I ever wanted to do was the right thing by him. Instead, I hurt Jess over and over again, like I had a voodoo doll with his head taped in the center. I jabbed and poked until there was nothing but stuffing left. My heart just couldn’t stand it anymore. How could I look Jess in the face and pretend after finally hearing the truth? The answer centered in the middle of my chest as I continued to stare at his empty plate.
The elaborate meal ended, and we returned to the farmhouse. I immediately went to my room and got out my suitcase. I shoved everything I could find inside and zipped it tight. With shaking hands, I picked up the phone and called the airline. My father watched from the doorway as I spoke to the reservation desk. This was the right decision. I knew it in my heart. I clicked end and shoved the phone in my pocket.
“You sure about this, Pumpkin?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. I’ll help you get loaded up then.”
Chapter 43
Today, 5:45 a.m.
Sadie and I walk through the hospital doors. We follow the path through the winding hallway to the waiting room designated just for the ICU patients. She stops abruptly, seeing the folds of the area bursting at the seams.
“Who are these people?”
“Arlis.” I answer calmly.
We were always notorious, but we were their notorious, which made this scene feel comforting. I scan from one familiar face to the next, seeing the Landrys, the Crawfords, and Ms. Virginia Abbot with her son visiting from Houston. I make eye contact with Mrs. Ida Fleming as she rests in the corner with her grandson, holding a teddy bear blanket. Next to a tray of sandwiches, Sara Beth Nelson visits with the Pritchetts and Ernie from The Bar. My father’s boss, Mr. Buckley, stands alone by the water fountain, dabbing red swollen eyes. I see Gunther from the feed store, talking to Bobby while Skeeter holds the hand of a tiny, blonde woman. The room is flowing with people, who left their families and businesses in a caravan to Dallas to be w
ith one of their own.
A hand pats me on the shoulder and I turn to see Caroline. Another wraps an arm around my waist. They pull me in and crush my body in a landslide of embraces. The bodies pass me around from one person to the next as words float around my head and against my neck.
“Alexandra.” I turn to the familiar voice of Mrs. Mason. The polished woman reeks of a disheveled mess. She pulls me tight against her tiny body. “You’re feeling better, dear?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She leans back with a tormented smile. “Good.” She holds on for a moment, clenching my hands. Her eyes float in a sea of wetness before she releases me back into the masses. Shrinking away, I press my back against the wall and observe the room. Sadie stands to my right in fascination of those around us.
“You need to go,” she whispers, her hazel eyes peering into mine.
“I know.”
“Want me to go with you, sweetie?”
“No.” I swallow hard. I need to do this alone. Walking down the hall to the restricted area, my gray shoes squeak, announcing my arrival on the path to the inevitable. An older woman with straight blonde hair glances up from her screen. Her rosy cheeks support a set of round-lens glasses. I run my hand over my stomach, trying to steady the anxiety.
“I’m here to see Jessup Mason.”
“I’m sorry ma’am. Just like I’ve told the others. It’s family only.”
“I know.” I freeze for a moment, biting my lip. I twirl the band around my finger. It feels loose, like it might slip off with a shrill ping on the hard floor. “I’m Alex Mason. I…I’m his wife.”
Her eyes jump up in a brief flash of pity. “I’m sorry. Let me take you back, ma’am. I’ll need to have you wash up first though.”
“Ok.”
The woman with the tag that reads, Sharlene, puts an arm around my waist. The motherly figure tucks me close to her side as we walk through the doors.
Chapter 44
When I was twenty-five…
The roar of the engine vibrated through the ground and rattled the inside of my chest. This was it. No turning back now as the future loomed ahead in the clear blue sky. The weight on my shoulders appeared to be almost gone. The inside of my body could breathe, like I’d been held underwater for so long I, forgot how to take in a breath of oxygen. I would finally be free.
The engine killed, leaving only the sound of the wind through the trees. The boots crunched the winter grass, getting closer to where I sat on the blanket. He stopped next to my leg. Those tired blue eyes looked down at me. The heat of the bonfire reflected on my cheeks; the one my father helped build when he dropped me off by the old stump, almost two hours ago.
“I got your note.”
“Have a seat.” I patted the blanket next to me. “You missed Thanksgiving.”
He settled down, wincing a little from the sore muscles. His body was covered in dirt, and his right thigh was stained in blood. “How mad was she?”
“You know that line that pops up sometimes right between her perfect eyebrows?”
“That mad, huh.”
“Yeah. Everything turn out ok?”
“It was a mess. We finally got 'em all. I lost eleven. Had to shoot nine of ‘em. It was awful. Some got trampled down with broken necks and then two caused an accident over by Dobbers’.”
“Everyone ok?”
“Yeah, I guess. They didn’t go to the hospital. It busted up their Explorer pretty good though. It was a man and woman with a little girl, just travelin’ through. I didn’t know ‘em. It sure wasn’t the way any us wanted to spend today, but it’s over now.”
“I'm sorry.”
Jess looked sad and just plain tired. My hands ached to pull his dark hair against my cheek but I stayed with my fingers linked over my drawn-up knees.
“I thought you’d be gone on the first plane out of here after this mornin’” His voice was gruff as he finally asked the question that stabbed away at his heart.
“I thought about it.”
“What stopped you?” He let out a deep breath, watching the bonfire.
“Here.” I slid the picnic basket over to him. He glanced at me, like I was crazy. “There’s mac and cheese in there.”
“What’re you doin’ out here?”
“You should take this.” I pulled the folded-up piece of paper from my pocket and handed it to him. His eyebrows wrinkled. “Throw it away or burn it. I don’t really give a shit. Just get rid of it.”
“Alex, what’s goin’ on?” He shoved the paper inside his coat and continued to watch me like I’d suddenly grown two heads.
“I thought we should talk.” My breath floated out in the cool air, much like the release I felt on the inside as I handed over the Mason List to Jess. The scribbled torment was finally gone. “It’s much better out here than yelling at each other in my bedroom. It’s calm, like it’s the only place in the world that ever made sense.”
“You think life makes sense in the place I almost got you burned to death?”
I ignored his jab because we both knew what this spot really meant at Sprayberry. I looked at our names carved in the old stump, and the small markers for BB and Carrot buried next to it.
While I was away, I had searched for another place that gave me this feeling. I searched all over Paris and every other city for almost two years; beautiful places with unique and ancient history, but none of them ever matched up to this spot. I finally knew in my heart, the simplest places in the world sometimes have the most complex meaning.
“After you left, I kept hearing you say those words.” I looked at his sweet face, feeling the warmth spread in my cold body. “You never said it to me before, or I guess I never let you say it to me.”
“Which part?”
“That you loved me.”
“Al…you’ve always known that I loved you.”
“Maybe, I guess. But it’s strange you know. How easy it is to ignore someone’s feelings until they are spoken out loud. How easy it is to pretend they are not real. I got caught up in everything running through my head like some shitty story on repeat that I couldn’t hear what you tried to tell me for so long. You finally made me hear you. Believe me. Very loud and clear. For once, I want to do the right thing, Jess.”
“And what’s that?”
“I think I’ve always known. But after hearing you? I did a lot of thinking today. You’re right. I’m tired Jess. All of this has to stop. I don’t hate you. I don’t even hate the Masons. Not really. I hated what happened to me. They were just an excuse that made sense when nothing else did. I hated what caused me to be here and that stupid list just kept it alive inside of me. It was a way for me to never forget, a way for me to rehash it over and over again every time I looked at it. I pretended that I made it in some plan to use for the greater good. Like I could repay everything to your family and it would somehow change what happened, and I’d feel better.”
“You were tryin’ to repay it?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. But I do know that life doesn’t work that way. You made me see that this morning. I realized that holding on to this is hurting me, and it’s hurting you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. That’s not how this gets better. You said choose to accept it or walk away. You said accept who you really are to me. It’s not a choice.” I reached over, touching his arm. My fingers trailed down his Carhartt jacket to his bare fingers. I felt his heart beating in his veins. The road to getting over the past would not be easy, but it was one worth traveling for this boy. I stayed calm in my seat. I looked straight into those blue eyes without an ounce of fear.
“Jess, you said just about everything possible this morning but you never asked me. Ask me what you really wanted to ask me.”
“Because I can’t. That’s not the right thing. I can’t ask you to stay. It was wrong of me to even put choices out there. Maybe it will happen one day for us but I get it. You’re livin’ your life there and this one is mine.”
&
nbsp; “That’s the thing Jess. Last night, you asked me to tell you about Paris. It’s all those things I said but they are empty moments. I’m alone even in a crowded room of people. I’m alone every time I laugh because you’re not there with me. It’s an empty dream when the other half of me is somewhere else. I am only truly happy when I am with you. I just always thought you deserved someone better than me.”
“Al, don’t say that. You’ve…”
“No.” I placed my finger across his lips. I wanted to pull him against me; make him feel what I was trying to say, but he needed to hear me say it. “I have hurt you. I have hurt you in so many ways and you never deserved it. I haven’t been the person I should have been for you. So I will just have to do everything I can from now on to be that better person. The one you deserve to come home to every night because I want to be that person more than anything else in the world. Because I love you.”
The words left my lips at the same time the last brick crumbled that sat upon my shoulders, holding me down in the dust. I floated in the air; light and free with the cool breeze, tossing me around like a crimson bird circling high above us. I was finally home. I was finally happy.
“You really said it,” he whispered. For Jess, I think he had waited so long to hear those words the reality seemed imaginary.
“I should have said it a long time ago. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, Jessup Mason. I…love…you.” Leaning forward, I kissed his stunned lips. He pulled back and studied my face.
“You really want this? All of it? Because I can’t leave. Sprayberry and I are a packaged deal.”
“I want you. And if that means Sprayberry, then I’m all in.”
“What’re you gonna do here?”
“I don’t know. Guess I’ll have to figure it out.”
“You’re serious?”
“As serious as my bags are sitting in Frank’s bedroom.” I leaned forward and touched my lips to his. Pulling back, his eyes looked confused. I assumed Jess never made it past my note on the front door.
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