Wearing My Halo Tilted

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  Then he made our connection more intense by staring into my eyes and saying, “You really look cute. You know that?” Bryce said.

  “Yeah, right,” I dismissed.

  “I noticed you’ve done that a couple of times. I’ll give you a compliment and you’ll basically call me a liar. What’s going on with that?”

  Sitting down and sharing fries, I admitted I wasn’t truly comfortable with my looks.

  “What time do you fly out?” he asked.

  “Not ’til tomorrow around four.”

  “Good. Well, it’s six o’clock now. We’re going to finish enjoying this great night and I’m going to see you at eight o’clock in the morning in your lobby.”

  “Well, what do I need to wear?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  At eight fifteen the next morning, I was at the spa being pampered again, and getting my legs and underarms waxed. After that relaxing treat, I went to a hair salon.

  After getting acrylic placed on my fingernails, I felt good. Bryce had arranged for us to have lunch with the Disney characters. I could do nothing but laugh. He told Mickey and Minnie how little self-esteem I had.

  Mickey placed his two big white palms on both of my cheeks, squeezed them tight, and Bryce said, “I agree, isn’t she beautiful?” Mickey nodded his head.

  “Why are you doing all this? Tons of girls would love to be here with you, and you wouldn’t have to give them a makeover. From the natural eye, I think they’re the model types. So why me, why are you doing all this?”

  “Because from my eyes, I see something in you that I want you to see in yourself. You’re beautiful, you’re powerful, and you are drawing me in. Someone true who could offer something good: herself.”

  “Whatever. Hand me the last French fry,” I said.

  “Seriously, I think our paths crossed for some reason and I know in the pit of my gut it’s a good one. I’m just not going to leave you alone until I get all that I am supposed to get out of this relationship.”

  “What is it that you think you’re going to get?” I kind of chuckled to him.

  “What is it that you think I want?” he teased back.

  A scared look came across my face.

  “Oh, relax. Don’t worry right now. All I want is for you to share another couple of fries with me. Sound good?”

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  The two of us jumped up and rushed back over to the vendor. We both had a lot to figure out in our own personal lives and our walk with the Lord. What was God trying to tell us, and could we help each other hear His voice in the other’s lives. Or were we making God’s voice not come through?

  Riding the plane home from Orlando to Columbia after the convention, allowed so many questions to rise up in my brain. Because I saw I had a layover, I was able to extend it for six hours. Flipping my Bible to Psalms 119:18, I read one of my husband’s favorite passages: Open my eyes, oh Lord, that I may see wonderful things in Your law.

  I needed direction from above. Part of the reason why I was coming home was because I felt a little guilty about what I’d been up to. Dillon had caught me out on a date. I had to just be truthful with myself. That’s what it was. I had feelings for Bryce.

  Whatever passage I came to, wherever my thumb led me, and wherever the Lord guided my heart, I wanted to be able to digest the Scripture; soak it up, take it in, and use it as food for my soul. I flipped over and landed in Job. Though I didn’t see any particular Scripture on the page that stood out to me, I thought about Job’s story and the famous Scripture Job 1:21 from that great book.

  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

  I really did need clearance for this. Was God trying to take something away from me? Was that something my marriage? Or was I totally misinterpreting all of this?

  At the closing of the book, I prayed. Father, you know my situation and I wanna do right, but I’m so confused right now. The only thing I can be grateful for is that I can be honest with You to show You just how mixed-up my brain is. My husband loves You, but I just don’t know if he loves me. But the new beats in my heart are jumping for Bryce, and I don’t know how I feel about Dillon either, Lord. So if I bump into him while I’m at home, I just ask that You step into that time and at least let us not go off on each other.

  When I arrived at the airport, I was able to get my bags arranged so that they would go directly to the Houston airport. I was glad to be staying on the tour. Getting a chance to roll home for a minute was great as well.

  I went to the Hertz counter and got the keys to the car I had reserved for the day. My cell phone never seemed to work in the airport. When I looked down to check the time, I noticed I had three messages. One was from my mom asking me what time I would be there at their house, so she could have the girls ready to greet me. She and I talked early. She thought it was a great idea for me to come home so that I could love on my kids, even if only for a few hours. She also didn’t want me being home alone with my husband. I hated that my mom thought he was dangerous, but I wasn’t sure. I just hate she knew so much. Maybe precaution was for the best. The Negro could be crazy, and if I could avoid any silliness I was all for that.

  The second message was from my mentor, Mrs. Kindle. She was giving me a call to let me know her mom had had a terrible fall. I couldn’t catch my breath long enough hoping she’d be okay. When I listened to the last message, it was her once more telling me she was on her way to take her mom to the local hospital. Being that the hospital was on the way to my home, I went straight to emergency and found Mrs. Kindle’s car in the parking lot.

  When I caught up with her in the lobby area, her face was so shiny and wet. When she saw me, new tears welled up in her eyes trickling down her worried chin. There were no words, I just hugged her. Her mom was ninety-five; I knew this was hard for her. She walked me back there to the room as she told me all about the hard fall that took place in the nursing home. Her mom had been there for two months now. Ever since her mother got In-care, her quality of life had faded.

  A woman that I had always known to be strong, and encourage me in my own life’s walk, was breaking. As I held her, I tried helping her hold it together. I knew it was nothing but the Lord allowing me to be here for her in this hard time.

  “I don’t think she’s gonna be okay this time, Shari. I just don’t,” she finally uttered.

  Seeing her frail mom, I really regretted that this was the only time I’d seen her because I’d been so busy with millions of other excuses that had come up. She did look quite worn out. But how else is a ninety-five-year-old woman supposed to look, I thought, trying to give myself hope that she was going to pull through.

  Then Mrs. Kindle said in a weird tone, “She was tired. Earlier she called out for God to just come and take her. And though she has Alzheimers, I really believe she was in her right mind when she said that.” We held hands. “Wait, I thought you were with a play, what are you doing here?” she said, putting the conversation back on me.

  “Don’t you worry about me. I’m just here to stand by your side right now. There’s no other place I’d rather be. I got a little time to lend you.”

  “Matthew had to head over to the church. He’ll be back pretty soon. Yeah, Reverend Kindle and the boys were up here with me early this morning. Her doctors are going to make my mom stay here in the intensive care unit.” Mrs. Kindle let go of my hand and went over and rubbed her mom’s head.

  Lord, I prayed, I wish there was something else I could do.

  As if Mrs. Kindle read my mind, she said, “I’m just glad you’re here, dear.”

  I prayed for her mom, and I was happy just to meet her. Mrs. Kindle never let me get away without talking about me. I loved her for that. So I was real with her and told her everything that was going on in my crazy life. Forget about judgment, I needed to confess.

  Her only advice was for me to seek God’s direction and not follow my own heart. She reminded me God wou
ld lead me the right way, and I might very well lead myself astray. Quickly, I hugged her. I brushed her mom’s hand and saw a sweet smile come across her face, and then I left.

  Driving home, I wondered how long I’d be on this earth. And to be ninety-five! God, I couldn’t even imagine. The things that could happen and all the years to possibly come. If I were to be at the end of my journey, be it immediately or sixty-five years from now, I wanted to make sure I was living holy so that I wouldn’t have any regrets. And with that I could smile.

  I couldn’t get into my house fast enough, when my three- and one-year-old sweethearts jumped into my arms. I could barely hold the two of them, but I wasn’t going to let them down. In so many ways I didn’t ever want to let them go. My three-year-old talked so much I could see she was excited to see her mom and had missed me terribly. My mom was kind enough to give us some time. She was washing dishes. My husband, with nothing to do but lead a training camp, couldn’t even keep the house clean.

  I could tell my girls missed their house too. As they played downstairs in the playroom, my mom and I both sat in the adjoining room on the couch, folding clothes.

  “You know,” I said. “Has he been over to your house a lot?”

  “No.”

  No sooner had I asked than I hear the whirring of the garage door opening up. Even though we were in the basement that was a sound I was all too familiar with. When things were great, I remembered my husband having late nights at work, and me being so excited, waiting around in my lingerie, happy to hear the garage door open so that I could give him a special surprise. But over the last few months, the sound of the garage door opening had been torture.

  My happy mood had grown dim when I heard that sound. Right then was no different. I didn’t even realize that I sighed out loud, until my mom said, “Shari, what’s really going on? Are you scared for your life or something?” Her question almost pierced my throat.

  I couldn’t even swallow it made me sick. Because truthfully, though I knew Dillon wasn’t that crazy, his anger was still unpredictable.

  “You’re here, Mom, and things are going to be fine.”

  “Well, I’m not leaving you alone,” she said to me.

  As she folded the last pair of his socks, my husband came straight down to the basement. The girls stopped watching Barney and gave him an even bigger hug than they’d given me earlier. I wasn’t jealous though. I actually hated the fact that they had missed their dad. He should see them more often.

  Not so Dillon would misunderstand anything, I quickly said to him, “I’ll be headed out soon. I just came to see the kids.”

  “Why’d you do that here?” he said harshly, trying to talk low so my mom wouldn’t hear. “You could’ve seen them over at her house.”

  “I wasn’t headed in my mom’s direction. And since I didn’t have that much time, she brought them up here. Plus, the girls really miss the house. They wanted to see their rooms and all that kinda stuff so we’re here.”

  “Well, you didn’t come to see me so no need in telling me what’s going on now. Where’s your boyfriend?”

  “I explained all that. Don’t be petty.”

  “You’re lucky your mom’s here,” he sneered at me.

  As if he had a split personality, he smiled and picked up our oldest daughter. He lifted her up over his head and placed her on his neck. Gently, he bent down to scoop up the little wobbler and held our youngest in his arms. They thought he could do no wrong.

  “Mommy, Mommy, come follow us. Come, Mom, come! We’re going to play monster, come, Mom, come!” my oldest said.

  My mother got up and picked up some of Dillon’s clothes. They made small talk and then he told her he’d see her next week. She headed upstairs after looking at me to make sure I was okay.

  When I gave her the nod my husband roughly asked, after my mom was out of sight, “What, you supposed to be scared of me now?” He dropped down to his knees and set down our girls, and said, “Girls, go around the corner. Daddy will be there to play in a second.”

  He sung the Barney theme song as they went out of view. I knew it was about to be on. I took a deep breath to get ready.

  “You don’t have to worry about me, darling. We are over! You wanna get with somebody else, that’s fine. You wanna move out that’s fine. I don’t care what you do,” Dillon stated as he grabbed my arm and then released it.

  As I watched him walk away from me and go over to the girls, I prayed, Lord, is this Your will or am I walking my own way, headed astray. My marriage feels over and I’m numb about it, what does this mean ? Help. There’s no spark, no glow, and no twinkle.

  Chapter 6

  Sparkle

  It was so hard saying good-bye to my babies, watching the light fade from my girls’ eyes as my mom drove out the driveway. Though I’d been with them for hours, I wanted to spend more time with my girls. That was a good thing. The past few months I hadn’t been the best mom. I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I failed to appreciate and give my all to what the Lord had blessed me with. Thankfully, time away from them changed that.

  Before my mom got completely away from the house, she stopped. Then she zoomed the car back to me. When her window went down, her eyes held tears.

  “How much longer are you gonna be here?” she said when I came to her side of the car.

  “Not much longer.” I leaned down into the car window and smiled at my babies in the back. I was so in love with them at that moment. I could’ve taken both Stori and Starr and eaten them as if they were candy.

  My mom interrupted my thoughts of them by saying, “I’m serious. I’m worried about how long you plan to stay here. Shari, is it okay to leave you here with Dillon?” The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. He stormed upstairs too fast and left us in the basement. I nodded. It was going to be okay, but I looked up at my big old house and prayed it would get bigger. Him on one side and me on the other. If that happened, I wouldn’t even have to run into the crazy joker.

  “My cell phone is on. Call me if you need to,” she said. “Wave at your mom.”

  As they did, I cried.

  Walking back through the garage, it seemed so natural for me to talk to God. I was scared and there weren’t any second thoughts about it. Not that I thought he would punch the wall, yell like a maniac, or throw things around the house, which had been known to happen from time-to-time, but it was the silent treatment. His disapproval of what I was doing was just too much for me to take. Now I knew I needed God’s help and I quickly needed to gather my stuff and get the heck out of the way.

  Soon as I opened up the bedroom door, my husband startled me.

  “I heard the garage door go up, I thought you were gone,” he said in a noncaring way.

  “Oh, I’ll be out of here in a sec. I just gotta grab my stuff.” I went around him with no problem.

  But then he shouted, “Hey.”

  I felt my heart rate increase. What was the harsh “hey” about? What did he have to say to me? What in the world did he want?

  “You know you really hurt me. Going on a date with some other guy and everything. That’s all I wanted to say. I just wanted you to know that. Go ahead and get your crap.” Dillon then turned and walked toward his favorite spot in the house, the basement.

  Though my heart rate slowed down with his intimidating presence out of the room, I felt nauseated. I didn’t think I was capable of hurting his feelings anymore. His dictating ways clearly let me know I didn’t phase him. However, he let down his guard and told me he was vulnerable and showed me that I still mattered.

  Lord, what in the world am I doing? I prayed as I sat down on the stairs. He couldn’t see me, but I knew he knew that he had gotten to me.

  During the plane ride back to Texas, I realized that my husband’s words were still twirling around in my brain. Though I needed a nap desperately, he had me stumped. I’d been going without much rest for the past few days, but I couldn’t relax. I was so uptight, so uneas
y. My husband told me I had hurt him and, though he had hurt me too with his unacceptable tyrant ways, I didn’t mean to get back at him like that, or did I? Subconsciously, did I want him to hurt like he made me hurt? Of course I did, I thought to myself. If only I’d hurt him wouldn’t he come and try to work it out, hug me, or kiss me and try to apologize for the drama he bestowed upon me.

  I was as confused as the hazy fog to the left of the plane. Even though I told my husband I went out for business and that I wasn’t on a date with the hunk I’d cooed over for years, he didn’t buy it. I didn’t either. My conscience was referring to Bryce as the man I was intrigued with. I had to be honest with myself. I had strong feelings for another. How in the world was all this going to play out? Was there any way that the Lord could use messed-up me? I hoped I hadn’t let Him down too bad.

  “Wow, you look hot,” Melvin said as he picked me up from the airport. “Are there anymore bags?”

  “No,” I said as I blushed, wishing Dillon had noticed my new hairdo. “That’s all.” He gave me a hug and then I hopped into the passenger side of the car. “So what did you do to my boy?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “The boy got back yesterday and he’s acting like a man that’s got a woman on his mind. The only thing he wants to talk about is you. I’ve never seen him so distracted. I’ve been his road manager for over three years now.”

  “He’s a nice man. We had lots of laughs. That’s all. Promise you, I did nothing to him.”

  “He wouldn’t give up any details, but something’s going on there and I like it,” Melvin said as he eased onto the freeway. “Bryce has been ringing my phone trying to find out if you made it in. He was hoping the plane wouldn’t be delayed. He’s made some special plans for you guys before the play.”

  “Gosh, look at me! I can’t go out!” I said all giddy, like a high school girl ready for her first date.