Wearing My Halo Tilted

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “You guys have got to let them do their job,” a sweet black nurse said to us.

  “Yeah,” Granddaddy said in his tired frail, but strong voice. “Ain’t nothing we can do. If it’s her time, we just need to be prepared. Y’all come on out now.”

  I was so unstable at that moment. No one had to tell me to get out twice. I fled around the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw my uncle, Phil, a forty-two-year-old junky, being hemmed up on the water fountain by two thugs. Normally, I would keep myself out of other people’s business, but my grandmother might be dying. This was her son, even though he was a big part of why she had so much stress. She needed him around.

  Phil was my crazy uncle still living at home with his parents. If my granddad had his way, Phil wouldn’t be there. Some days they would come home and another big item in the house would be missing. Turns out Phil would have stolen it to hock the item for drug money.

  Quickly, I stepped in between a guy who wore a do-rag with holes in it and my uncle.

  “Step back, this is a hospital first of all. And his mom is in there fighting for her life. Have y’all lost it,” I said, letting my pain make me bolder than I normally would be.

  “Ah, sorry,” my uncle said in a panicked voice. “I gotta get back there now. I thought she was going to be okay.”

  “Now you see how crazy this is. You understand what I’m saying,” I said to him. “All those medical people that just ran down the hall, they are going to see your mom. She is not doing well, get in there. She needs your support, not more of your ignorance.”

  Yeah, my uncle was older than me, yeah he should have been wiser than me, but he wasn’t and from time-to-time I just had to step in and tell him what was up. I didn’t know if he ever listened to me or not when I would say get your life together and stop stealing. But this time I knew he heard me. His blood-shot red eyes watered up. He ran toward the ICU door to head inside and left those guys without saying a word.

  One guy looked at me and said, “Shorty, you don’t know what you just did.”

  Then I realized I had stepped in a little too deep, and trying to pull myself out of my jam I said, “I’m sorry. I’m sure whatever you were talking to Phil about is major, and I’m even going to make sure he get’s you what you need. But please respect our family. This is a hospital. This is not the time. Besides, police are all around here for one, the rest of my family is here, and my grandma needs him more than you do.”

  They didn’t look impressed. One of them flashed his gun. I had to make them understand I meant no disrespect. I prayed, Lord, help me think like these nuts and say what I need to say to squash this.

  “I’m sure you have a grandma. Can’t you respect that ours is fighting for her life, please,” I pleaded.

  One said, “Alright, Shorty, just tell him to call me though. If I don’t hear from him tomorrow, I’ll be back.”

  I nodded. “I’ll tell him he needs to call you.” They left.

  Before I could get myself together and go back in, I ran into my father and my youngest uncle, Sam. Sam was seven years older than me, and boy was he a cutie. When he graduated from high school he actually came to live with my family, and I used to kinda think he was my older brother, just for play, but I’ve never really gotten that crazy thought out of my mind for some reason. Back in the day, see, all the other girls loved me ’cause they wanted to go out with him, so I became instantly popular with my own crowd. He taught me things that helped me with all my problems. And he played the big brother role when it came to my dates. I loved Sam. He lived so far away with his family and I was so glad to see him, though certainly not under these circumstances, we just hugged.

  “What’s going on with Mama?” my daddy said to me as he got back from getting food with Sam in the cafeteria.

  I huffed, “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s good.”

  “What do you mean, she was fine when I left,” he said as he threw his hands in the air in defeat.

  I said, “The doctors just went in there . . .”

  Before I could finish, they both took off. They said a few words to my aunts. Then the ladies came toward me.

  Aunt Velda said, “We are just hungry and need to get out of here. There is nothing we can do. Let’s go.”

  Though I wanted to hang at the hospital, I walked them both to my car. I was happy to see them consoling each other. There was a big rivalry with them as sisters growing up. They were only two years apart, but my grandma told me stories of how they had competition between them about everything. That was probably why I was very nervous bringing up my girls, they were only two years apart. I certainly didn’t want Stori and Starr bickering for years and years.

  Now, my two aunts appeared not to have drama anymore. Of course, they were heading into their sixties and going through a crisis, but they both were too beautiful to me and my grandmother to bicker.

  We couldn’t even make it into the doorway of the restaurant easily because the wind kept pushing us backward. The physical experience mirrored how I felt; a strong wind blowing me over. Finally, pulling it toward us together, we opened it.

  As we sat in the restaurant, Aunt Regina said, “Come on, Lord, and work with me. We can’t lose Mama.”

  Aunt Velda shook her head in disagreement. “I just think it’s her time. I’ll miss Mama, but it’s time for her to go and be with her Mama.”

  I waited for Aunt Regina to say, “Oh, girl, where is your faith?” But she didn’t. Both their eyes just filled with water. Their despair was evident.

  Instead she echoed, “Yeah, I miss our talks already. You know we talked every day for at least an hour.”

  It was like they were giving up. I had to be the voice of faith and reasoning. God could do anything but fail.

  I said, “What are you guys talking about? She is going to be fine.”

  Aunt Velda said, “No, sweetie, when we were here in May for her birthday, she was frail and tired looking then. I knew this was coming.”

  “Yeah, I know it’s about to be the end,” Aunt Regina chimed in.

  The waitress came over and took their orders, I couldn’t eat a thing. I was so shocked hoping they were wrong, and food was the furthest thing from my mind. Plus, I felt nauseous. I tried to settle down all the thoughts wrestling within me. I didn’t need to add to it with food making me even gassier. I would vomit for sure then.

  “You know what dress we are going to put on her?” Aunt Regina asked her sister.

  “There is not really much stuff in there. Phil sold all her nice stuff,” Aunt Velda replied.

  I listened to the two of them go on and on about all my uncle had taken: TVs, radios, appliances, jewelry, and then clothes. My grandma was going through more than I knew.

  “Not just clothes either. Did you hear about the check book,” Aunt Velda asked her younger sister.

  “Uh-uh, what happened with the checkbook?” Aunt Regina said, shaking her head in despair.

  “Dad is mad. Phil has been forging checks lately. The strung out junky practically wiped out all their savings account.”

  “Take me back to the hospital right now,” Aunt Regina stood up at the table and said. “I’m going to kick his tail.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was joking or serious. The only good thing in all this is that it kept my mind off my husband and the drama that he and I had. Well, until I got quiet and my aunts were served. They studied me.

  Aunt Regina pried, “So you know I got the scoop, right?”

  “What scoop?” I said, just hoping she wasn’t talking about what I knew she was talking about.

  “Baby girl, there are newsstands all up in New York. Last week every corner I turned on had a spread about my niece. And you know how people are? I’m always bragging on my niece, the author, the one that was on tour with that singer guy. Well, my friend that was jealous, her relatives are worthless, quickly showed me a picture of my niece and that singer guy in the sack.”

  I looked
over at my other aunt, Velda. She didn’t blink. Obviously, because she didn’t hit the roof, it was safe for me to assume she knew. What was I going to tell them?

  Aunt Velda said, “You might as well go on and admit it. You been in the magazine, no need to deny it, or be ashamed of your mistakes. We all sin. Plus, Mama told us about the problems with you and that Dillon of yours.”

  I was so upset at the lady I’d been praying for most of the day for God to spare, that I almost wanted to rescind that offer. My mother always told me the three of them gossiped. Honestly, it never bothered me. It was fine when they were telling other folks business, but now I needed to go to the hospital and check my grandma. How could she tell them my business? I thought she and I had a special bond. I couldn’t even look at the two of them.

  “Don’t get to rolling your eyes at us,” Aunt Regina said to me. “Sweetie, we know you all got issues. Every marriage does. We just want to school you.” I still didn’t face them. “Don’t want to talk to us. Well, alright, just listen to what we’ve got to tell you. You know I’m divorced, been that way for fourteen years and, girl, all my friends were like he ain’t loving you right. Leave him. He ain’t doing that. Leave, go get you somebody else. Well, I got rid of him and I’m still by myself. My same friends that were trying to get me out of my marriage thought that was the worst thing for me, ain’t no where around. They wanted me to be miserable and I’m worse off by myself. You got two kids. Trust me when I say you need to work it out.”

  Aunt Velda agreed, “And, honey, though I’m still married, I consider myself married to the Lord. Kurt he’s a good man, but most times he doesn’t satisfy me either. I am not talking about in the physical way. I’m saying he’s not the nicest man. So I think, Lord, I serve him as unto You. When I look at it from that point of view, I don’t need any love back.”

  Maybe that was why I was so unhappy. I expected too much from Dillon. If I let the Lord fill me, then I’d serve my man gladly and wouldn’t have pushed him to a point of anger. Keeping my eye on God was the key. The wisdom from my aunts helped me see, though I wasn’t perfect, God still loved me.

  As we rode in the car and got closer to the hospital, it had been about thirty minutes since we talked about my own marriage troubles. Aunt Regina wouldn’t let it go though, she brought it up again.

  “Honey, I know you, and it must have been something that happened with your man that made you feel like you needed to be with another. Again not judging, but you know that was wrong?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said in a depressed tone, feeling like what she asked me was a question more than a statement.

  “Good because now that you recognize that, the issue is what’s going to happen now. Dillon picked us up from the airport and he looked like he was through it. We’re just gonna lift up this whole situation because God can bring y’all back together.”

  Aunt Velda said, “Yeah, he’s probably hurt now that she made him know he’s not the only fish still swimming in her ocean. But I’m not sure we want to pray to get him back. I know he’s got a temper. Mama told me. He needs to take a long hard look at himself.”

  Aunt Regina said, “Both you guys have got to make the marriage work. Both you guys have got to do a little bit of giving, a little bit of loving, and a little bit of forgiving. And you’ll find your way back to each other.”

  Aunt Velda was in the backseat and she placed her hand on my shoulder. “Is that what you want?”

  As I drove into the parking lot, I said, “Yeah, that’s definitely what I want but I . . . I don’t know if that’s what he wants.”

  “God changes and controls the minds of kings. He certainly can with your husband as well. Keep lifting it up,” Aunt Velda said, seeing that I truly wanted to reconcile.

  Getting out of the car, I hugged both of them. I hated that we had to head on upstairs to see their mom lying in the hospital bed helpless. But the time together was valuable. Something I would treasure forever. The wisdom they shared with me I knew I would use.

  My intuition kicked in and I felt good about Grandma. The breeze was lighter, not so strong. The wind had settled down, which kind of made me think she was now okay and that the angels hadn’t come to float her spirit home. Besides, all three of us had cell phones and none of them had gone off, so she must still at least be with us.

  Thankfully, when we got to the ICU waiting room Phil was smiling. Then my dad came out of ICU and told me my grandma was asking about my girls. I wasn’t going to bother her, feeling she needed her rest, but he insisted.

  He pushed my back through the door and said, “No, get in there. She’s asking about those babies. Tell her the babies are fine. Then come right out. She’s real weak.”

  “Yeah, for sure I won’t tire her out,” I said.

  With every little step I took, my heart started beating harder and faster. It was sheer anxiety, worse than a person trying to get out of a burning house. I didn’t want to go in there. I didn’t want to see her suffer. I wanted her home.

  When I opened the door, there was a lady from my granddad’s church in there trying to talk to my grandma. My grandma wouldn’t respond to her though. I didn’t know what that meant. So the lady talked to my granddad and held his hand real tight. Then she grabbed his shoulders and then kissed him on the cheek. I did see my grandma stare. The woman left when she saw me in the doorway, because only two people could be in the room at a time.

  Grandma lifted her head up and with the left side of her mouth, she asked my granddad, “Love me, love me.”

  He was watching that lady leave, but he turned around and came to my grandma’s side. He reached for her hand. Then he kissed it.

  He said, “Course, I love you.”

  I pondered on what that whole scene meant. My grandmother was clearly jealous, Saying alright now. You got a lady don’t be looking nowhere else. That was hilarious to me. I couldn’t believe I was a part of that whole thing. What was I supposed to do with all that information. It was like I was literally a fly on the wall. Guess I’d have to store it away for another day. A story of undying love that maybe one day I might tell in a book or something.

  When grandma spotted me, she said, “Where are the babies?”

  I held my heart, saddened that she wasn’t as strong as she was when Dillon and I had visited her earlier. Hopefully, she just needed to get some rest. I hated that my babies couldn’t come up and see her, but no children were allowed in the ICU.

  Coming back to reality, I said, “They’re fine, Grandma. They said get some rest. They will be feeding your cat.”

  She smiled and closed her eyes. “Love.”

  “I love you too, Grandma, so much,” I said as I went over and stroked her head. “I’ll see you soon.”

  When she didn’t respond, I realized she was asleep. I escorted my granddad to the waiting room and he filled the rest of the family in on how she was doing. We all were exhausted, but we were all thankful she was still with us.

  She wanted to see the babies. How in the world could I make that happen? Then I quickly thought of showing her a video tape, which was perfect because we hadn’t done an updated tape in a while.

  I told everyone I’d be back soon, headed over to mom’s house, got the camera and brushed the girls’ hair. Stori and Starr said something cute for their nana. My oldest daughter started by saying, “Night, nana. Love you, bye. Now I’m going to feed the cat.” Then Starr came toward the camcorder with her arms wide and, if you were watching it looked like she wanted to hug you, which is hopefully the feeling my grandma would get, she said, “Nana.” Oh, this was perfect.

  I told my mom what I was doing and that I would be back soon. She thought it was a very cute idea. It was weird having her support, but I loved it.

  I kissed her on the cheek and said, “I’ll be checking in with you from the hospital, okay?”

  “Tell Daddy I’m cooking a big dinner for everybody.”

  My mom was so sweet in my car, I played back what
I had recorded and it looked so adorable. I couldn’t wait for my grandma to see it. My babies were so blessed to know their great-grandma, and I know she would be equally blessed to see them say how much they loved her.

  When I got back to the hospital parking lot, I could barely open my door. There was that strong wind again. So strong, so heavy it tried to keep me from going inside. Every time I walked two steps forward, it knocked me in the opposite direction. What the heck was up? What in the world was going on? After about ten minutes, I made my way up the elevator and when I saw tears coming from my family, I knew the strong breeze I felt was that of heavenly angels carrying my grandma’s spirit up to a higher place.

  The camcorder fell out of my hands. I didn’t care if it broke or not. I didn’t even look to see. I covered my face with my two hands and wept.

  My dad came over to me and said, “She’s in a better place. You gonna be alright. You’ll be fine.”

  The way he was saying it was like he wasn’t really talking to me. Seemed more like he was trying to tell himself he was going to be alright. However, his shaky voice didn’t really sound like he felt alright to me, whether he believed he would be or not. Everybody was somber, but Granddaddy. He was the head of the family and we needed his strength. Hopefully we could soak a little from his unphased stance. I thought it was odd though that the first time we got the word she was gone and no tears did he shed. Part of me was upset.

  “Y’all need to stop this crying. She’s in a place where we all better hope to go. She told me for weeks she didn’t feel good. She’s fine now, shoot. We got some planning to do. Come on, ain’t nothing we can do at this hospital,” he boldly said as he left the waiting area.

  As my dad helped me gather up my camcorder, I said, “Mom said she’s making dinner for everybody.”