Deep Surrendering: Episode Five

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  The ducks were out in droves, and I counted at least eight that came to feed on the bread. I took a video and saved it so I could send that to Fin as well.

  I was just balling up the last few bits of bread to toss into the water when my phone vibrated. It was Fin. Perfect timing.

  “Hey,” I said, my face cracking into a smile.

  “Hey, Mari Cherry.” The warmth in his voice spread through my body, all the way to my fingertips and toes, making me feel like I was laying in the sun.

  “I got your email,” I said. “I love the pictures. Especially the ducks. Guess where I am right now?”

  “In bed thinking of me?”

  I laughed. “No. I’m feeding the ducks and thinking of you. I’m always thinking of you,” I said. Unspoken words hung between us. “I’m not overwhelmed by what you said. Because I feel the same way. I have for a while. I just thought it was too much, too fast.” It was too much, too fast, but I didn’t care. It was right. Everything about him felt right.

  He exhaled, and I heard the relief in his voice as he spoke.

  “I almost deleted that and didn’t send it to you. I know I have poor timing.”

  “Screw the timing,” I said, and a couple strolling by me gave me a nasty look. What? I hadn’t said anything that bad.

  “Timing is important, Marisol. It can be everything.” I disagreed with him. If you waited for the right time to do something, you’d never do it. There was no such thing as the right time. There was here and there was now.

  “I don’t want to talk about that. So what did you do today? Any good stories?” Sometimes his foreign clients got lost in translation and the results could be quite amusing. Fin had me in stiches more than once. We needed to talk about something light right now.

  He took my lead and started telling me about one of his favorite French clients who owned a soap company and how their grasp on American sarcasm wasn’t the best.

  I soaked in his words as he talked to me, slowly walking home. I was going to let myself enjoy these moments with him. Hell, he could have broken things off and I wouldn’t get to talk to him at all.

  “Can you do something for me?” he suddenly asked.

  “Anything,” I immediately said. He was the only person I would say that to. Well, other than Chloe. But I would have more reservations about saying yes to her, because I never knew what Chloe was going to come up with.

  “Would you go to my apartment while I’m on the phone with you?”

  “Yeah,” I said, smiling and sticking my hand out to hail a cab. I was hungry and needed to eat something, but there was still some food at Fin’s in the cupboards so I could eat there or order something from the concierge downstairs. They were very accommodating, and I had the feeling Fin told them they were to give me what I wanted, when I wanted it. No matter what.

  “I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but I was picturing you in my place this morning and I couldn’t get the image out of my head.” I shifted the phone to my other ear because my face was getting too hot where I’d been holding it. I should invest in a hands-free device, but I always thought those made people look like assholes.

  “It’s not selfish, I love it. It’s the least I can do after all the pictures and the trip to the top of the Eiffel Tower.” I’d have to do a lot to make up for that.

  “That was nothing,” he said, trying to downplay it.

  “Then this is nothing.” The cab pulled up in front of Fin’s building and I handed him a few bills before I got out.

  “Good evening, Miss Marisol,” the concierge said as I walked by. He even bowed his head as if I was royalty or something. I gave him a bewildered smile and headed to the elevator, the key to Fin’s place clutched in my fist.

  “Are they being nice to you?” Fin asked as I hit the up button.

  “Extremely nice. A little too nice, actually. I’m guessing you had a hand in that. Oh, the elevator’s here. I’m probably going to lose you.” I got in, and as the elevator ascended, the call did drop. I waited until the doors opened and called Fin back.

  He picked up as I put the key in the lock and opened the door.

  “Okay, I’m here,” I said, shutting the door and turning some of the lights on. The place was, as always, spotless, and the air smelled fresh, as if someone had recently opened the windows and let in fresh air.

  “Where are you right now?” Fin asked as I walked toward the den with its towering bookshelves. I had no doubt that he’d read every single one of these books. He was the fastest reader I’d ever met, and could get through more than one book in a day or night. I wanted to ask him how he’d been sleeping, but I didn’t think he’d give me a straight answer.

  “I’m running my hand over the spines of your books. Remembering that time when I found you reading out here because you didn’t want to sleep next to me,” I said.

  “No. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to sleep next to you. I didn’t know if I could.” Well, we proved that wrong.

  “But you could. You can do a lot if you want it enough.”

  I moved through the den to the kitchen, looking in the fridge to see what was there. I’d brought a few things over for when I spent time here, but I tried not to bring too much. I wanted this to be his place. I wasn’t moving in with him.

  Fin sighed, but it wasn’t an unhappy sigh.

  “I love your optimism. It gives me hope. Makes me believe in something. It’s been a long time since I believed in anything good.” I pulled open one of the cupboards and found a box of mac and cheese. It was the cheap kind, shaped like cartoon characters, but it was exactly what I wanted.

  “What did you believe in?” I asked as I grabbed a pot and put it under the sink to fill with water.

  “Nothing worth talking about.” I could probably figure out what he’d believed in, but some of the things would probably surprise me.

  “How about you give me one for my secret tonight?”

  I heard his voice catch in surprise. “You want a secret tonight?” he asked.

  “I always want a secret, if you know what I mean.” Our barter system might seem strange to others, but it had worked for us so far. My body for his past. Each exchange required a deeper level of trust as we grew closer together. Where this might lead, I didn’t know, but for now, it was what I wanted and needed. I hoped he felt the same.

  “Well then. I think I can oblige that request if you’ll do one thing for me.” Anything. I’d do just about anything for him.

  “What’s that?”

  “Would you go to my bedroom and lay in my bed?” That was an easy request to honor. I turned the boiling water on the stove off and padded to his bedroom, turning only the enchanted chandelier on. Food could wait. I watched and smiled as shadows of branches appeared on the walls, the floors, and my skin.

  “Would you like me to be naked?” I asked, slipping off my shoes. I knew he couldn’t see me, but I kind of liked it this way.

  “Yes. I would.” I smiled and started to undress, setting the phone down and putting it on speaker.

  “I’m taking off my stockings, imagining your hands on my legs,” I said as I rolled them down, trying not to snag them on my fingernails. “And now my skirt is on the floor and I just have my top and panties on.”

  Fin was silent as I narrated the rest of my undressing for him. Under other circumstances, I would have thought this act was silly or awkward, but it wasn’t. When I was fully naked, I settled back on the bed, bringing the phone with me.

  “I’m running my hands over your sheets, picturing you here with me, also naked.” Obviously.

  “I’m imagining I’m there with you,” he said, his voice dipping low. “And I’m going to—” His voice was cut off by what sounded like a phone ringing. Fin let loose a string of curses, and I sat up.

  “What’s that?” I asked. He cursed some more and put the phone down. I pressed it to my ear and listened as he said something and then picked up the phone again.

  “Are you in you
r office right now?” I asked. Hell, I hadn’t known he’d been doing this while he was at work. I guess I’d sort of forgotten about the time change.

  “Yes. We’re staying late and I asked for some privacy to make a call, but they need my approval for something. Marisol, I’m so sorry. In more ways than one.” Ditto that.

  “Je suis désolé aussi,” I said, hoping I’d said it right. High school French had been a while ago, and I’d never been very good with languages.

  Fin exhaled and I could feel him smiling on the other end.

  “I have to go. I guess we’ll have to put our activities on hold for now. I’ll call you as soon as I can. Sleep well, Marisol.” Clearly, he had to get off the phone ASAP. I tried not to hate whomever was calling him away, but failed.

  “It’s okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Sweet dreams, Fin.” He hung up and I fell back against his pillows.

  I was naked in his bed and he wasn’t with me. What was a girl to do?

  I ended up putting on one of Fin’s shirts and my panties before going back to the kitchen and starting the mac and cheese again. Once it was cooked, I spooned it into one of Fin’s fancy bowls and headed for the den, turning on some of his music.

  His tastes were more eclectic than mine. Seemed as if his love for a wide range of books extended to his music. I fiddled around with the complicated system until I settled on some soft jazz trumpet that made me think of moonlight and swaying slowly in the arms of a handsome man.

  I didn’t intend to stay long, just until I finished my dinner, but then I found myself wanting to stay longer. So I got up and perused Fin’s shelves, looking for something to read as the music lulled me into an almost dreamlike state of relaxation.

  There were so many titles to choose from, and I didn’t know how I was going to pick, but finally I settled on Jane Eyre. I was in a bit of a dark/romantic mood. Plus, I’d always sympathized with Jane. I cracked the spine and settled on Fin’s couch, turning my head to the side so I could smell him on the pillows. If only he were here, things would be perfect.

  A thud woke me and I sat up, disoriented. Where the hell was I? It took several seconds for me to realize I was at Fin’s and had fallen asleep. The loud noise had been the book falling from where it rested on my chest to the floor.

  I rubbed my eyes and glanced toward the windows. Daylight streamed through them. Crap, I’d spent the entire night here. What time was it? I checked my phone and realized it was eight in the morning. Shit. Très shit.

  I had class in a little while, and there was no way I was going to make it on time, even if I left now and the cab driver went sixty miles per hour. Damn. I was definitely going to miss my first class.

  Great. Just great. I was pulling up my email to send my professor a note that I had a sudden stomach bug when I was interrupted by a knock at the door.

  I froze on the couch as if the person could see me, but of course that was crazy. The knock sounded again. Who would be knocking on Fin’s door? Should I answer it?

  Not dressed like this, clearly. I stood up, hoping whoever it was would go away and realize Fin wasn’t here.

  But then there was another knock and someone called my name in a familiar voice that had me tiptoeing to the peephole to look through it. Oh, it was Carl. What was he doing here?

  “Miss Marisol? Are you there?” How would he know I was here? What was he doing here? My mind was a jumble of questions. It was too early to think this hard.

  “Yeah,” I said. “What is it?”

  “Mr. Fin sent me to see if you need a ride this morning.” Fin sent him? How had Fin known I’d been here all night?

  “Oh, um. Hold on,” I said, rushing to the bedroom to put on a robe so I was at least covered. I was still terribly confused as I dashed back and opened the door.

  “Good morning, Miss Marisol,” he said with a broad smile. I hadn’t seen him since Fin left, and it seemed, from his expression, that he’d missed me. I had to admit, conspiring with him to surprise Fin had been fun, and he was a good man.

  “Oh, I’m sorry I’m not dressed. I just woke up.”

  Carl waved that off and waited for me to invite him in.

  “Please, come in,” I said, gesturing and holding the door open. Like this was my place or something.

  “Shall I give you a moment to get ready?” Oh, it was going to take me more than a moment to get ready. I was a wreck.

  “Uh,” I said, and he gave me a smile.

  “Fin asked the front desk to pay attention to you in case you needed anything. I think they gave him a call and said that you’d spent the night.” Oh. That was … a little creepy, honestly.

  “He asked them to monitor me?”

  Carl shook his head. “No, I think they just took his words and went a bit overboard. But he thought you might need a ride anyway, so he sent me over, and here I am. What time is your class?”

  It took me a moment to respond. “Eight forty-five. So I’m … yeah, I’m going to be late.” Even if Carl took me.

  “Oh, that’s plenty of time. I’ve got breakfast in the car for you and a change of clothes if you need it.” He pulled a cup of coffee from behind his back like a magician. Where had that come from?

  I stared down at the cup. Sure, there wasn’t time for me to shower or do makeup, but really, did that matter?

  “Thank you,” I said, taking the cup and walking back toward Fin’s bedroom. I had plenty of clothes here already.

  “I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes,” I said over my shoulder, and Carl nodded and clasped his hands behind his back to wait.

  “I’m really glad Fin hasn’t been… monitoring me. I know some women might like the idea that their man is concerned about them, but I’m perfectly able to take care of myself.” Had been for a long time. I knew the city well, and most places I went were pretty safe.

  “He’s not that kind of man,” Carl said. “Or at least not with you.” Wait, what? Carl sensed he may have said too much, and then zipped his lips and stared humming.

  What was he talking about?

  Carl dropped me off with five minutes to spare, and I nearly kissed him.

  “Thank you so very much. I really appreciate it,” I said as he held the door open for me. A few students walking by gave me weird looks.

  “Anytime, Miss Marisol. Shall I be back here later to pick you up?”

  “Oh no. You don’t have to do that. I can get home on my own.” He smiled and tipped his hat.

  “Call me anytime,” he said, holding a card out the window before he drove off. I waved and headed into the building.

  Thanks for sending Carl this morning, I texted Fin during my lunch break. I was tired, but strangely I felt … rested. Revived. Like Fin’s place had been a spa or something.

  I waited for a response, but figured he was busy with work, so I put my phone down and went back to working on my pasta salad.

  My phone buzzed and I nearly jumped out of my chair rushing to see what Fin’s response was. But it was from Chloe.

  Miss you hardcore. Dinner tonight?

  I missed her, too. We hadn’t seen each other in a few days, and I needed my best friend. She’d also get a kick out of the story of Carl showing up and driving me to class.

  Absolutely. Six? Your place?

  I could almost predict her response and smiled when the answer came through.

  So, you want to mooch off me? Fine. But you’re getting Ramen.

  I nearly laughed out loud. I could just picture her face and hear her voice as she said it.

  As long as I get the pleasure of your company.

  She texted me a picture of herself making a kissy face. God, she was ridiculous.

  I got through the rest of the day and didn’t hear from Fin. It made me a little sad, but he’d been so busy last night.

  I stopped on my way to Chloe’s to get a little box of cupcakes we could share. I considered a bottle of wine, but then thought better of it. Getting drunk on a school night wasn’t the best idea.<
br />
  Chloe buzzed me in and I climbed the stairs to her apartment. I was winded by the time I got to the top. Curse her broken elevator.

  “Hey,” Chloe said, opening the door. “Long time no see.”

  I just held out the cupcakes. “To soothe your pain from missing me,” I said.

  Her eyes lit up and she snatched the box. “God, if you weren’t straight,” she said.

  “I know,” I said with a sigh. I’d heard her say that more times than I could count.

  “So, have you heard from your world traveler?” she asked as we walked to the living room and sat down on the couch. The place was filled with the smells of cooking, and I definitely didn’t smell Ramen.

  “Yeah, he called me last night,” I said, and Chloe caught the blush that colored my cheeks.

  “Oh, really. And did you have a little phone hanky panky?”

  I rolled my eyes. “No, actually. He was at work when he called me and had to go into a meeting. He was working really late.” Chloe made a pouting face on my behalf, and then jumped up and went to the stove to stop a pan from boiling over.

  “That sucks. I can’t imagine the long distance thing. I mean, phone sex is great, but I’d miss the touch, you know?” Yeah, I did.

  “Well, it’s what we have to go through.”

  “Have you thought about calling it quits?” She stirred and I went to join her in the kitchen. She wouldn’t let me help, but I didn’t want to sit in the living room by myself.

  “Not really. I mean, if this is the worst thing we have to go through, then we’re lucky.” If I could get over the fact that he’d been with hookers, I could get over a little bit of distance. I hadn’t told Chloe about Fin’s secrets, and I didn’t intend to. Sure, she was my best friend, but there were some things you just couldn’t share. Besides, they were Fin’s secrets, not mine. She already knew all my secrets.

  “So, how’s work?” I asked her, wanting to talk about something other than my relationship with Fin.