Difficult Husbands

by Mary de Laszlo

  ‘Helen, my ex-wife, and I lost a baby daughter, five Christmases ago. She didn’t survive the birth and it broke our hearts.’

  ‘Oh, Nathan, I’m so sorry,’ Lorna put her hand on his as it gripped the steering wheel, the skin so tight she feared it would split. Gloria had mentioned he found Christmas difficult, now she knew why and she felt ashamed for making such a fuss about lending him Ravenscourt for his publicity shoot.

  ‘I thought I’d got used to Lucy’s death but suddenly, being confronted with the situation now with your daughter has brought it back. Grief is cruel, isn’t it? Creeping up on you, tearing holes in you when you least expect it.’ He turned briefly to her, his eyes tense with pain.

  ‘If I’d known you’d been through this I wouldn’t have let you drive me there,’ she said violently.

  ‘I’ll be fine; you can’t hide from such things. Look, we’re here now.’ He manoeuvred the car into a parking place and turned off the engine. ‘Deep breath,’ he said firmly, ‘don’t create dreadful situations in your imagination, worry about nothing until you have to. It may all be a false alarm.’

  Now they’d arrived, Lorna felt leaden, unable to move. Flora needed her, yet she dreaded the grief she might find and her inadequacy in dealing with it. Then she remembered Stephen – why had she not thought of him before? Should she have told him? But how would he react? Turn up with the Pekinese woman? No, better to tell him when she knew more, it could, after all, be a false alarm.

  For a moment she was fearful of leaving the intimacy of the car. Here she was safe, once she got out she must face up to whatever lay ahead, be strong, perhaps in the face of tragedy.

  Nathan, sensing this, came round to her side of the car, opened the door and took her arm. He eased her out and led her into the hospital. It took a great effort not to lean on him, to put her arm round him and feel him close to her. Only a short time ago, she had driven Gloria to Adrian’s bedside and how she hated hospitals, but this was worse, far worse, for this concerned her child, and she could not bear to think of her suffering.

  Flora was in the delivery room with her ‘partner’, the nurse in the maternity wing told them. So Ben was there too. Flora had not mentioned him in her panic. She wondered if they’d been together when the pains had started.

  ‘You must be her parents, she’s doing well,’ the nurse smiled. ‘First grandchild?’

  ‘N … no … yes … I,’ Lorna started, but Nathan said, ‘Can her mother see her? I’ll hang about, don’t worry about me.’ He gave Lorna a little push towards the closed door of the delivery room. ‘Be strong and don’t worry about me, I’ll wait for as long as it takes … oh, should I contact her father?’

  ‘I … I don’t know.’ She was afraid that Stephen, as he was now, might cause havoc. Would he turn up with that girl? That would upset Flora and she needed to stay calm, yet Flora was his daughter too and he would be grandfather to the child – if it survived. ‘Yes, now we know she’s in labour, perhaps he should be warned.’

  ‘I’ll ring Gloria for his number, has she got it?’ Nathan asked her. She nodded, as the nurse said, ‘see you later then, we’ll let you know as soon as we have news.’ She smiled broadly at Nathan as if she understood his squeamishness.

  Lorna paused for a moment to watch him leave, feeling desolate without him. He turned back as though he knew she needed his strength and comfort, lifted his hand to his mouth and blew her a kiss. Then he turned the corner and was gone.

  She was terrified at what she would find but she followed the nurse through some doors, put on a sterile gown, in a daze, before going into the delivery room.

  The room was very bright, lights beaming down on Flora, whose face was clenched in pain, dripping with sweat. She was on the bed supported by pillows, her legs bent up. Ben sat miserably beside her. He was as white as a sheet, looking as if he would throw up at any moment. Flora caught sight of her and cried out, whether to Lorna, or in her pain, and in that moment the baby was born, slipping out into the midwife’s outstretched hands.

  The memory of that extraordinary feeling of bewilderment and wonder as a new being joined them, returned to Lorna, as if it were she who had just given birth. But this time she dared not look at the baby. She reached Flora, who was sobbing, and held her close.

  ‘It’s over now, darling, the pain is over.’ She could be lying – the agony of grief if the child was stillborn would be far worse to bear than the pains of childbirth.

  There was an air of calm efficiency in the room. Someone had taken the baby and was bending over it in a corner of the room. Then it cried, a tiny wail like a plaintive kitten, showing it was alive.

  ‘A little girl,’ someone said. ‘You can hold her a minute, then we’ll take her to be properly checked.’ Wrapped in a towel, the baby was laid in Flora’s arms.

  Flora looked down at the tiny screwed-up face, her minuscule hands beating at the air. She held the child but seemed bemused by it. Ben too stared at it as if he was astonished by it. Lorna put her hand on the towel, feeling the tiny body though the material. She was so small, how could she possibly survive? Yet she seemed strong enough; large eyes staring, stick-like arms waving. None of us are ready for her, she thought. All the problems of her conception had not prepared them for dealing with a real, living thing, a person that would, as Nathan had said in the car, change their lives forever, whatever the outcome.

  A minute later, the baby was whisked away to be cared for in the neo-natal intensive care unit.

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ Flora sank back, her face streaked with sweat and tears, ‘I’ve never known such pain! It all came so fast. She’s so tiny, what will I do?’ She turned to Ben, perhaps hoping for some calm support from him, but he was too stunned to do more than grunt.

  ‘She’s lovely,’ was all Lorna could say. A terrible dread had seized her heart. She wanted this child; she’d loved it at once, and could not bear to think she might not make it. She wanted to ask someone what her chances were, and yet she did not dare in case the news was bad. Stephen should be here. She ached for his support, the support she used to bank on. She must tell him that he had a granddaughter. The tears rose in her, such a special family occasion, but the joy would be taken from her as he was no longer there to share it. Marcus must know, and the rest of the family. Perhaps Felicity’s hot line to God would come in useful now. She was about to say all this to Flora when she remembered that Nathan had come with her and was waiting for her. She felt relieved that it was him who was with her, and not Stephen in his new persona.

  The midwife suggested that Lorna and Ben leave Flora so she could be tidied up. They could see her in the ward, and later Ben could go and see his daughter. He was visibly startled when the midwife, her black face creased in a smile, said ‘his daughter’, as if he had not taken in the events. Lorna kissed Flora, gently extracting herself from her clinging arms. ‘You won’t be long, darling, I’ll see you in a minute,’ she kissed her and tugging at Ben, led him out into the corridor.

  ‘Let me get you a coffee, or something stronger,’ she said when they’d left the room. ‘It must be a shock for you both, her being born so early. We’ll find a doctor and ask how she is. I’m sure you want to know.’

  ‘I can’t cope,’ Ben bleated, coming to a halt, not noticing a patient being pushed on a trolley towards him, so Lorna had to pull him to one side so they could pass. ‘We were just sitting there in this café talking and she had pains and water and now ...’ his voice petered out.

  ‘That’s how it is,’ Lorna said. ‘Let’s have a coffee, or perhaps a brandy, as we are both quite shocked – which is hardly surprising. Then we’ll find someone to tell us how the baby is. We may have to wait while they thoroughly check her, but, small though she is, she did look strong.’ She said this to comfort them both but she knew, from hearing stories of such events, that there were many things that could go wrong with premature babies, and the days ahead could be hazardous.

  ‘I want Tess,’ Ben said in desper
ation, ‘I need her here to help me through this.’

  32

  On The Wrong Track

  To her relief, Lorna saw Nathan coming in through the glass doors to the hospital. For a second before he saw her, his expression was unguarded, and she saw the strain etched there, and realised what this trip had cost him. His eyes were anxious as he reached her, his hand taking one of hers as he studied her face, bracing himself for bad news.

  ‘The baby is alive. She’s in the neo-natal care unit as she’s prem, but she’s not a bad weight so the outlook is quite positive,’ she said.

  ‘I’m so glad, and Flora?’

  ‘She’s fine, well physically anyway. She’s in a side room in the ward now and trying to sleep, but the whole thing was a terrible shock. I don’t think she’s realised that she is now responsible for another human being. But perhaps none of us realise it until we are faced with it. It’s Ben who is not coping and perhaps I should hang around with him, but I told Flora I’d go home now and fetch some clothes and come back tomorrow and stay with her as long as it takes.’

  ‘Ben? Oh the father. He’ll come round to it, won’t he?’

  ‘He’s called for his wife.’ Lorna sighed, thinking painfully of Stephen. Families were meant to stick together in times of trouble, but he had broken the circle, and she could not forgive him for that.

  ‘Ben is stunned by it and it seems he can’t cope without her. Poor woman, it will be hard for her to get involved with his child, the child she wanted to carry herself.’ A wave of exhaustion swept over her and she slumped down on a chair nearby. ‘The complications of modern life are too much, I wish I could escape.’

  ‘I know what you mean, and you’ve been through so much.’ He sat down beside her, and took her hands in his. ‘Can I get you a coffee or something stronger?’

  ‘No thank you.’ She tried to smile at him; he was being so kind. ‘I’d like to go home if you don’t mind. I’ve said goodbye to Flora, told her I’ll be back tomorrow. Ben is with her and the baby is safely in special care. Though I long to stay, I think it important that the two of them are alone together to bond over this. If there are any dramatic changes I’ll come back at once.’

  ‘That’s a good idea. You need rest too,’ he said.

  ‘I need to clear my head. I can’t really believe I’m a grandmother,’ she smiled wearily. ‘It sounds so old.’

  ‘You’re hardly old.’ His smile warmed her heart.

  ‘Did you get hold of Stephen?’ She asked, an ache in her heart.

  ‘Gloria said she’d tell him, it’s probably better coming from someone he knows,’ he said.

  How hard it was, not being able to share this with Stephen as he used to be. It was all too much; she covered her face in her hands and sobbed. The tiny girl wired up to life in an incubator was the next generation, a precious product of their marriage. She deserved the grandfather he used to be. Birth and death may bring families together, but they also exposed the broken relationships with painful clarity.

  ‘It’s all right, it’s just the shock.’ Nathan’s mouth was against her ear, his arm round her shoulders, hugging her to him. She took a shuddering breath, kept her face hidden. How embarrassing was this? Almost as cringe-making as him seeing her in Clara’s nightdress. She hoped she had a handkerchief in her bag, but she would have to reveal her face in all its ghastly, slobbering mess, while she searched for it. She felt the soft cool touch of linen against her face as Nathan said, ‘here, take my handkerchief. Blow your nose and you’ll feel better.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she mumbled, taking it and turning from him slightly so she could mop herself up without his scrutiny. She blew her nose. ‘Sorry,’ she said, still not looking at him. ‘It has all been too much. I’ll just go and wash my face.’ She threw him a watery smile before she rushed to the Ladies.

  She looked dreadful; blotchy and slug-eyed. She got some wads of paper towels, soaked them in cold water and pressed them to her face. After a few moments she looked slightly better. She tidied her hair and went out to find Nathan, and saw Ben and Tess standing at the reception. Ben looked pale and strained and Tess, her face stretched with tension, had her arm round him. She turned away, not wanting them to see her. Somehow they must resolve this drama between them. Poor Tess; what an ordeal for her.

  Nathan joined her and put his arm round her shoulders.

  ‘Sure you want to go?’

  ‘Yes. That’s Ben over there and his wife. It must be hell for her but I’ll be intruding if I go over. Flora knows I’ll be back tomorrow, and she needs to sleep. I’ll be here really early. We’re not allowed to be here at night anyway and it’s almost that now.’

  Nathan kept his arm round her as they walked to the car park. The air was sharp and cold and there was a slight mist of drizzle mingling with the dusk. ‘I can see it’s one hell of a mess but you’ve had enough for one day. Flora is well; the baby in good hands and now it is your turn to take care of yourself, or rather, perhaps you’ll let me take care of you. Would you like dinner somewhere or home?’

  ‘Home, please, but if you are hungry?’ She turned to him gratefully. ‘Thank you Nathan, for bringing me here and putting up with all this emotion, I really appreciate it, especially after …’ She paused, not wanting to wound him further by referring to his dead child. ‘Thank you,’ she smiled at him in the dark as they sped down the road.

  There was silence for a moment then he said quietly, ‘I would do anything for you, Lorna, if you would let me. This is hardly the place, or the time, but it may be the only opportunity I’ll have of getting you all to myself,’ he smiled, ‘apart from that moment at Ravenscourt.’ She could hear the amusement in his voice. ‘I don’t know what overcame me. I have to say you did look a fright but a sexy fright and… well, there was something in the air that night wasn’t there?’

  Before she could sort out her muddled emotions, he went on, ‘From the moment I first saw you…’ he laughed, ‘…eating all my ham, I was drawn to you. And then you turned up at Mulberry Farm with Gloria and Rosalind…’ He paused, as if waiting for her to say something, but she had not expected this from him and tired and emotional after the day’s events, she stayed silent, not knowing how to react, he’d said he cared for her and yet he was laughing at finding her in Clara’s nightdress. Was this a light hearted thing or…? He went on, ‘and then there was Ravenscourt.’

  The word hung between them like a sword. What did he mean? Was this the moment he would ask if he could buy it? She couldn’t cope with it, not now, not with all that had happened today and her anxiety over the baby and Flora and how it would all pan out. Her mind was half occupied with what she would pack and how soon she would leave to drive back to the hospital, she couldn’t think of Ravenscourt now.

  Nathan stopped the car, pulling into a lay-by. ‘Sorry, silly place and time to have started this, I just felt intimate with you, the two of us together, alone in our tin bubble and I’ve known this for a while, I can’t get you out of my mind and I thought … well, after that kiss that perhaps you … felt the same way, though I admit you gave no sign of it.’

  She could feel his gaze on her, and the increasing pressure of his impatience for her answer, but she felt unable to respond, her thoughts were so bound up with Flora and her tiny granddaughter, who as they sat here, could be fighting for her life.

  ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m so muddled with all that has happened to me over these last months. I’m not used to . . .’ she paused, ‘this sort of thing.’ She finished lamely. ‘I’ve been married so long, I’ve forgotten how to cope with it.’

  Gloria wouldn’t be sitting here, nervous as a nun, she’d have her arms round him by now, pulled him close to kiss him.

  ‘I understand your feelings and I’m sorry to have started it just now, but Lorna, do you think there is a chance for us to get to know each other better? We share so much, don’t we?’ She imagined she detected a slight edge to his voice, which could have been nerves, or wantin
g to clinch a business deal to be done and dusted with no more delay.

  They were so close in the dark warmth of the car. On one side of them was black, impenetrable undergrowth and on the other cars passed relentlessly on, the flash of their headlights picking them out as they whizzed by, reminding her of life outside and yet she felt no part of it, being here with him.

  ‘At first I thought you were married to Beth, or anyway, with her,’ she blurted, still feeling too vulnerable to unleash her true feelings for him.

  ‘Beth,’ he laughed, ‘she’s a great girl, been wonderful for the business, but that’s all there is to it. I would so like you to be part of my life.’

  She longed to say how much she wanted that. How she’d dreamt of it, but never thought it would happen. How when they’d kissed she’d meant it with every fibre of her body but had been too insecure to admit to it, in case it had meant nothing to him. He waited, watching but not touching her in the darkness. The tension in her mounted as she fought to find the right response, fearful that he would dismiss her declaration of love with some joke, some amusing remark that would belittle it. In her nervousness and tormented mind she killed the moment. Her voice came out like a rush of icy water dowsing a fire. ‘And Ravenscourt?’

  Brutally he started the car and shot out in the road, causing an oncoming car to blast its horn at him in panic.

  She was mortified. She hadn’t meant it to come out like that. She said, ‘Gloria thinks it would be perfect for you. She said you wanted to move to a larger place and I … thought …’ She stopped. She couldn’t say anymore, couldn’t bear to think that he was only saying these things to her because he wanted Ravenscourt. It obsessed her, had taken over her life and now it had destroyed it.

  ‘Gloria is always full of ideas. Ravenscourt has nothing whatever to do with my feelings for you. But I’m sorry the emotion of today made me let down my guard. I apologise if I have embarrassed you by this, especially today.’ His voice was hard, she felt as if he had slapped her. He had opened his heart to her and she’d responded by almost accusing him of trying to seduce her so he could get his hands on Ravenscourt. Or that is how he, with his painful pride, had interpreted it. He drove fast, his face tense, his eyes intent on the road ahead.