Country Loving

by Cathy Woodman

  ‘I hadn’t thought you’d want to be so involved,’ I stammer.

  ‘Of course I want to be involved. This is my baby.’ Half smiling, yet on the verge of tears, he pauses before blundering on. ‘I know what you’re going to say, that it isn’t at all romantic, moving in with me because you’re pregnant, but that’s life. We have to face up to the commitment and responsibility of bringing a child into the world.’

  I try to pull away, but he won’t let go.

  ‘It won’t work, Nick. Having your baby isn’t going to change how I feel about you.’

  ‘Love can grow,’ he says, the sinews in his neck taut with desperation. ‘It does happen.’

  ‘Not to me.’ I shake my head. ‘Not to us. I’m sorry.’

  ‘This is fate. Can’t you see there’s something conspiring to bring us back together? That’s the only explanation.’

  ‘There’s no such thing as fate, or the supernatural. There’s no higher being who’s suddenly decided they fancy doing a bit of matchmaking. We had sex and created a baby. It’s as simple as that.’ Feeling rotten as hell for being so abrupt with him, I wrench my hands from his grip.

  ‘Stevie, will you marry me, please?’

  ‘I really can’t marry you. It’s kind of you to offer, but—’

  ‘There’s nothing kind about it. I’m very fond of you. I’ve missed you. It makes perfect sense.’

  I stand up. ‘Nothing makes sense any more. It can’t work, Nick. I’m in love with Leo,’ I tell him and I burst into tears. ‘I’ll be in touch to talk some more. I’ve got to go.’

  ‘Stevie, don’t …’ Nick begs, but I grab my bag and run outside. Nick doesn’t follow me. He texts to check I’m okay and apologises for coming on too strong. I text him back, promising I’ll meet him again later to talk through a few practicalities, before I spend the next hour pounding the pavement, railing against the baby for just being, and Nick for not being a complete bastard about it because life would be so much easier if he was.

  Nick and I talk again in the afternoon, but we fail to resolve anything. I’m torn over his involvement. I know he means well and he’s desperate to care for his child – he’s always wanted children and I guess he thinks this could be his one chance. Not only that, he’s a responsible and thoughtful person – in many ways, the ideal dad.

  I fetch my car and belongings from the flat, having a brief chat with India who seems unhappy about me being there.

  ‘You should have let me know you were staying the night,’ she says as she offers me tea in the kitchen. ‘I’ve got a date.’

  ‘That’s all right. I don’t expect you to cancel. Who is he?’

  ‘I don’t want to jinx it by talking about him,’ India says mysteriously.

  ‘Oh?’ I feel hurt.

  ‘It’s nothing personal, Stevie,’ she goes on.

  ‘I’ll stay over and go home in the morning, if you don’t mind, that is.’

  ‘You can do as you wish. It’s your flat,’ she says.

  ‘India, is there some problem?’ I ask, hands on my hips.

  ‘I’m not sure. Have you seen Nick?’

  I decide not to lie to India. ‘I had lunch with him … It’s all right. I thought it would be nice to catch up, seeing I was here,’ I add when I notice her brow furrow with suspicion.

  ‘Was that a good idea?’

  ‘It was only two friends having a drink and a sandwich, that’s all.’

  ‘I can’t believe you did that, considering how you parted. Poor Nick.’

  ‘Well, I won’t be seeing him again for a while.’

  India hands me a mug of tea and excuses herself, saying she needs to shower and change before she goes out. I lean against the units, looking out over the communal gardens, sipping my tea and wondering at how life has changed. I call the doctor’s surgery which is open all day on Saturdays and speak to Nicci, one of the GPs, about contacting the midwife on Monday.

  I drive home the following morning without seeing India again because she stays out all night. I send her a text to say goodbye. On the way back, Jennie texts me to ask how the meeting with Nick has gone. When I arrive at Nettlebed Farm, Leo is out – which is a relief, because it means I can avoid telling him about the baby for a little while longer. Instead I call Jennie to ask her if she’d like to come round for coffee.

  ‘Can you come round to mine?’ she says. ‘I have a wedding cake in the Aga. I don’t like to leave it.’

  ‘I’ll be there in five minutes.’

  Jennie’s kitchen is in chaos, with dirty mixing bowls stacked up in the butler sink, packets of cocoa and dried fruit strewn across the table and a laptop open with a list of orders and customer details.

  ‘I like to do the wedding cakes here rather than in the bakery. It means I have complete control and I can have a break when I want one. I’m beginning to feel like an elephant.’ She offers me cake. I decline. ‘Have you contacted the doctor to arrange your scan and midwife appointments?’

  ‘Yes, that’s all under control, but I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with Nick.’

  Jennie sits down opposite me at the table. ‘How did it go? Tell me everything.’

  ‘It was a shock, of course, but after he had a bit of a wobbly about whether or not he was definitely the father, he calmed down.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘He wants to be part of the baby’s life.’

  ‘That’s good. There are men who would have preferred to walk away.’

  I pick at a scab on the back of my hand – I caught it on a rusty nail in the cowshed. ‘He wants to be part of my life too. He thinks we can make a fresh start.’

  ‘What, and be a couple again?’ Jennie shakes her head. ‘Not for the sake of the baby. You mustn’t do that. Anyway, what about Leo? Everyone knows you’re an item.’

  I bite my lip. I adore Leo.

  ‘You haven’t told Leo yet?’ Jennie says.

  ‘I can’t. When he finds out, he’ll hate me.’

  ‘Oh, Stevie, what a mess,’ Jennie sighs. ‘But Leo’s an intelligent man. He might be a little annoyed and upset at first, but I’m sure he’ll come round. He loves you.’

  ‘I think he loves me, or the person he thought I was.’

  ‘You’re having a baby. These things happen.’

  ‘Leo doesn’t want children,’ I say.

  ‘What, never?’ Jennie’s eyebrows shoot up under her hair. ‘I can’t believe that.’

  ‘He’s told me.’ I explain about Jonas, and his fear of getting close to and losing another child. ‘So, you see, he’ll run a mile when he finds out I’m pregnant.’

  ‘I can’t really understand that,’ Jennie says. ‘There’s no reason why history should repeat itself, and one day he’ll want children of his own, surely?’

  ‘He says not, and I believe him.’ I pause. ‘It isn’t only that, I lied to him about why I was going to London. I’ve deceived him.’

  ‘People make mistakes,’ Jennie says. ‘I made a mistake coming here to Devon after my divorce. David, my ex-husband, and I used to drive back and forth to London every other weekend, or meet halfway. Whatever we tried was never quite satisfactory. David was shattered after a long week at work, and I was struggling to get my business off the ground, and working on updating the house and garden.’

  ‘Does he still see the children now?’

  ‘They tend to go and stay less often, but for longer each time, so they might go and see him for half term, or a couple of weeks in the summer. It’s interesting juggling their activities, especially Pony Club camp and the other horsey events. Adam works here and there, and now he has this girlfriend, so he isn’t as keen to see his dad as he was.’

  ‘Does David have other children?’

  ‘Two little ones who are unbearably spoiled.’

  ‘Is he okay about not seeing so much of your kids?’

  ‘He’s rented a holiday cottage locally before – that works well. I didn’t realise how much it would affect everyo
ne when I moved down here. It was a reaction to the divorce, I suppose. I had a dream and it worked out in the end. And we live happily ever after – almost happily – ’ Jennie corrects herself. ‘We have our ups and downs like any other married couple … I didn’t care about how David felt at first. He didn’t deserve any consideration after the way he’d treated me, cheating on me with a younger woman, but it has affected him. He misses our children, and they miss him.’

  ‘He’s still with the same woman?’ I ask.

  ‘Oh yes. It’s funny really – he thought he was going to live this high life with a racy young girlfriend, travelling the world and going out to the best places, when in reality he’s ended up remarried to someone who’s actually quite staid, had children and got stuck in the same rut he tried so hard to get out of. Basically, he went from driving a people-carrier to driving a sports car and back to the people-carrier again. You have to laugh,’ she adds rather wistfully. ‘We had some good times together. My only regret is how the split affected our children, especially Adam.’

  It occurs to me that all families have their complications.

  ‘Listen to me going on,’ Jennie says. ‘We’re supposed to be talking about you and Leo.’

  ‘I’ll pick my moment. I’ll suggest we go out for a walk on the beach tomorrow night.’

  ‘Why not tonight?’ Jennie asks.

  I shrug. ‘I’m tired.’

  ‘You can’t put off telling him for much longer.’

  ‘I know,’ I say. I thank Jennie for the chat and return across the fields to Nettlebed Farm, where I run into Leo who’s getting out of his four-by-four, laden down with bags of shopping.

  ‘Hi, Stevie,’ he mutters, his keyring between his teeth. Smiling, in spite of everything, I take his keys from him and unlock the caravan to let him in. ‘Thanks. I’m glad you’re back.’ He drops the shopping onto the table in the living area and gives me a hug and a kiss. ‘You should have texted to let know you were back.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Never mind,’ he says. ‘Would you like some lunch?’

  We eat together and I wash the plates in the sink before excusing myself to go and help Cecil with the milking.

  ‘Come over afterwards,’ Leo says, moving up and pinching my bottom. ‘I’ve bought a couple of DVDs to watch later – the latest James Bond and a comedy.’

  ‘Can we catch up tomorrow night instead?’ I say, watching his face and hoping I’m not hurting his feelings. ‘I could do with catching up on some sleep.’

  Leo grins. ‘I get it. You stayed up all last night with India.’

  I nod. ‘I thought we could go and walk along the seafront at Talymouth if it’s a fine evening. We could buy some fish and chips.’

  ‘That sounds great, a date at the beach,’ he says, kissing the back of my neck as I wipe down the draining board. ‘It’ll give me something to look forward to when I’m TB-testing goodness knows how many cattle tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ll see you then,’ I say.

  ‘If not before,’ Leo adds, and a quiver of guilt runs right through me when I see how happy he is. I lean up and give him the briefest kiss on the lips before I make a rapid escape.

  Having done the milking and contacted the midwife to make appointments for an initial checkup and a scan, I walk across the yard on Monday morning, my hands in the pockets of my gilet (which I can no longer fasten across my front), telling myself that I have to calm down and stop railing against my bad luck. It’s all very well, but this inconvenience is a baby and another human being. I recall my father rejecting me when I wanted to stay on the farm and my blood runs cold. It was the worst feeling in the world, and I would hate my baby to feel unloved and unwanted. It isn’t fair. It didn’t ask to be conceived.

  ‘There’s someone to see you, Stevie,’ Leo says, putting his head around the door of the calves’ shed where I’m mixing up more milk replacer for them. ‘I’ve given him a coffee and biscuits.’

  I pause, frowning. I’m not expecting anyone.

  ‘It’s me,’ says Nick, pushing past Leo.

  ‘Um, this is a surprise.’ I can hardly believe my eyes. ‘Nick? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

  ‘There are more important things than accounts, Stevie. I’ve come to talk. It’s all right. I won’t stay and I’m not going to make a scene,’ he says quickly. ‘Is there anywhere we can go, in private?’

  ‘You’ll be all right, Stevie?’ Leo says protectively, but I can see the muscle in his cheek tautening and relaxing and the tightness in his shoulders. Nick’s presence appears to have put his back up, or is Leo upset with me about something? Does it have something to do with the other night, or with me rushing off to London, or with my ex-boyfriend turning up out of the blue when all along I’ve claimed Nick is no longer part of my life in any way whatsoever?

  ‘I’m fine thanks, Leo. I’ll see you later.’

  ‘You haven’t forgotten I’m doing the PD visit this afternoon?’

  ‘Thanks for reminding me.’

  ‘I should be back here at about one-thirty, if the TB testing goes smoothly and if that’s okay with you.’

  ‘Yes, I’ll have the cows ready for your examination.’ I look from Leo to Nick and back, and try to hurry Leo away before Nick starts talking. ‘Bye, Leo.’

  ‘What’s a PD visit?’ Nick asks after Leo has gone.

  ‘PD stands for pregnancy diagnosis.’

  ‘That’s ironic,’ Nick says icily. ‘So you’ve moved the vet in.’

  ‘Into the mobile home – he needed somewhere to stay.’ I pause, trying to keep my cool when I’m actually really annoyed at Nick for turning up unannounced. ‘Nick, why are you here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’

  ‘I thought I’d surprise you in return. India said I should come and talk to you face to face.’

  ‘India? You’ve told India?’

  ‘Well, yes, I assumed you would have talked to her before me. She always was your first port of call in a storm.’

  ‘I didn’t because you had to know first, seeing as you’re the baby’s father. It feels like you’ve adopted my best friend as your own.’

  ‘She’s been good to me since you dumped me.’ Nick taps his lip with his forefinger. ‘I really don’t want our baby being brought up by another man.’

  I worry the baby will already hear its parents at loggerheads. I don’t want it born into a state of tension and mutual resentment.

  ‘Do you want to go inside?’ I ask, pointing to the house.

  ‘Can we go for a walk?’

  I take him through Steep Acres right to the very top, gratified to hear his laboured breathing – in spite of his gym membership – as we ascend the slope.

  ‘Do you still go to the gym?’ I ask him when we get to the pond.

  ‘Can we sit down?’ he says, and I show him to a stack of logs Cecil must have chopped up a while ago when one of the trees came down. The trees struggle to grow along the ridge – only the strongest survive. There are various saplings along with three fully grown oaks and three elms, and a couple of these don’t look too healthy, their foliage sparse and turning brown at the tips. I scramble onto the stack and sit there, swinging my legs, whereas Nick examines the logs for any dirt that might rub off onto his designer jeans.

  ‘Here, you can sit on my gilet,’ I say, slipping it off.

  ‘You won’t be too cold?’

  ‘I couldn’t be bothered to take it off earlier. I’m quite warm.’

  He takes it and spreads it out before perching himself carefully in the middle of it, keeping his feet on the ground. I wonder if the baby will take after Nick or me; if it will be a country child or a townie?

  I gaze around me at the blue sky and green fields that sweep down towards the house and farm buildings. The sun is shining on the ripening corn and the blackberries in the hedgerow, like the baby growing and ripening inside me.

  ‘Let’s talk,’ says Nick.

 
‘Yes, let’s,’ I say, heavy-hearted.

  ‘I’ve been thinking – in fact, I can’t stop thinking about it. You’re obviously in a very hormonal place—’

  ‘Don’t say that. That’s incredibly sexist of you.’ I wish I’d let him get his jeans dirty now. ‘I’m perfectly rational.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I apologise,’ he repeats. ‘I know you won’t accept my offer of marriage at the moment, but I will leave it open so if you should change your mind at any time—’

  ‘I won’t change my mind, Nick, and that’s the end of it.’

  He holds up his hands. ‘All right, I won’t keep going on about it.’

  ‘Is that all you came here for, only I’m pretty busy—’

  ‘Stevie, this is important,’ he cuts in. ‘I want some reassurances from you that I can come with you to the hospital for the first scan and be present at the birth of our baby.’ His eyes are wide, his expression hopeful, and I realise he has feelings for our child already, as have I. How can I deny him the opportunity to make a relationship with him, or her, no matter how difficult it will be?

  ‘You can come for the scan,’ I say.

  ‘And the birth,’ he says firmly.

  ‘I’m not so sure about that.’ It’s a bit too intimate for me, the idea of Nick seeing me semi-naked, if not fully exposed, but the first moments are supposed to be very precious. ‘How about you being available so you can see the baby immediately after the birth? Nick, I’m not sure how to deal with the situation, but I really don’t think I could cope with you actually being there while I’m in labour.’

  ‘We don’t have to decide straight away, as long as you agree to it in principle,’ Nick says. ‘However we work it out, I promise I won’t make things difficult. I just want to meet our baby as soon as she enters the world.’

  ‘She?’

  Nick smiles. ‘I have an inkling already that she’s a girl. I don’t know why. How about you?’

  I touch my stomach. ‘I haven’t a clue. It’s pretty active so I wondered if it might be a boy.’

  ‘Now who’s being sexist?’ Nick says wryly, and I have to laugh at myself for making assumptions when I’ve railed at my father so often for being sexist.