Till We Meet Again

by Sylvia Crim-Brown

  As the tears I held back ran down my cheek I wondered about the unusual turns my life had taken. And what I had done to be so lucky, to have been at the right place, at the right time, to meet the right man. I took Charles’ hands in mine and pulled him over for a soft kiss. The love I felt for him welled up inside me, waiting to erupt. In his eyes I saw that he needed me to say how I felt. But I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t pull that last brick down. I wondered just how much longer he would wait…if he would wait at all.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  “Simone…Simone. Are you listening to me?” the voice coming from the phone said.

  “What? Oh, I’m sorry Moira. What did you say?” I answered while sitting in my office.

  “It doesn’t matter. How long is this going to go on?” Moira said impatiently.

  “How long is what going to go on?” I said moving papers to one side of my desk.

  “How long are you going to keep avoiding Charles? It’s been over two weeks since your trip to the Bahamas.”

  “I’m not avoiding him, Moira. I’ve just been very busy with this latest audit.”

  “You’re not any busier with this audit then you were with the 100 others you’ve lead. Don’t try to bullshit me, Simone. We’ve known each other too long for that.”

  I moved the papers to the other side of my desk. “I can’t face him, Moira. I just can’t.”

  “Why, just because you stabbed the poor guy in the heart?”

  “Not funny. You had to see his face.”

  “No. Apparently I should have seen your face. What is with you? How could you push such a great guy away?”

  “I didn’t push him away…”

  “No. You threw him away. Do you know how many women would die for a guy like Charles?”

  “I guess I’m just not ready. I thought I was, but…”

  “It’s not that you’re not ready. You’re scared. So you were hurt in the past. We all were. Get over it!”

  “I am over it…I’m just. I don’t know. I just don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose everything I’ve gained over the years.”

  “That’s stupid!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said ‘that’s stupid’. What have you gained in these past years that you would lose by being with Charles? And, frankly, from where I stand I don’t see Charles taking anything. I see you taking everything!”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “You know what I mean. These past few months Charles has been playing by your rules. And I don’t know how he can keep up, since you seem to make the rules up as you go along. You want him close, then, you want him at arm’s length. You want to be his everything, but then he’s smothering you. You say you’re ready for a man of your own, but then you throw a great one away. If you don’t want him, then release him so that some other woman who knows how to treat him can get him.”

  I felt my face turn red with anger. After a moment, when I felt my anger under control I said, “Moira, we’ve never had a fight in all the years we’ve known each other. But if you keep this up we will.”

  “Good!” Moira yelled into the phone. “At least I know you’re feeling something! What is the point of letting that wall down if you keep up an electrical fence as a safety measure? I know you Simone, you love him but you’ll shoot yourself in the foot, just to keep yourself ‘safe‘. You’re shutting a good thing out. There’s no guarantee that you won’t get hurt. But that’s a chance you have to take.”

  “I took a chance before and where did that get me?!” I yelled back into the phone. “I lost my friends, precious years lost with my family, years on welfare; loss of all self-esteem; and a big disappointment in my grandparents’ eyes.” As the tears streamed down my face I began to speak quietly into the phone, “I can’t fail again, Moira. I can’t go through that again. I can’t keep looking myself in the mirror and seeing only hurt and shame in my own eyes. And I can’t look into my sons’ eyes and wonder if they think I’m a loser too.”

  There was silence on the other end of the phone. Moira’s voice broke as she spoke, “You’re not a loser, Simone, you never were and you never could be. As for the boys, they are so proud of you. How you raised them without their dad. How you did without in order to send them to the best schools. How you were strict when you needed to be and loving when it was called for and your grandparents? You know yourself how much they loved you and how proud they were of you. Yes, you detoured from the original plan, but who doesn’t. The point is you put yourself and your sons on the right path. Your grandparents were able to see that for themselves. They saw what you accomplished and what you were about to accomplish for yourself and the boys. They knew you were the woman they raised you to be. “You can’t keep punishing yourself because you had the nerve to love Thomas,” Moira continued. “You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. You deserve the love that Charles has for you. Don’t push his love away. Embrace it. Embrace it, because you deserve it.”

  I wiped my tears away.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Later that night I was in the sitting area of my master bedroom suite. I tried to lose myself in a book but it wasn’t working. As I was just about to give up and go to bed, the phone on the nightstand rang.

  “Hey Mom,” My son Thomas said on the other end of the line.

  “Hey honey, how are you?”

  “I’m OK. I was just checking on you. I hadn’t heard from you since you left that message saying you were back from the Bahamas. How was it?”

  “It was ok,” I answered.

  With concern in his voice, “What’s the matter Mom? Did you guys have an argument?”

  “No. Well not really an argument,” I said quietly. Thomas was mature for his age. We often discussed economics, politics and sometimes Thomas’ personal life. Since I had no personal life to speak of before Charles came along we never discussed my personal life. And as a mother I didn’t think it appropriate to discuss personal matters with my sons.

  “It’ll be fine,” I said to Thomas.

  “Really, Mom?” he said with doubt in his voice.

  “You know I always bounce back Tommy.”

  “Yes, you do Mom but are you causing your own drama?”

  “What?” I said surprised.

  “Mom, with your career and with me and Aiden you give 110 percent for each. But with your personal life you seem to have one foot out the door,” Thomas continued.

  “What are you talking about?!” I said totally insulted. “How come you’re so sure it’s something I did? It could have been Charles that did something wrong?”

  “Mom, you know I love you, right?” Thomas said asking a hypothetical question. “Aiden and I really like Charles. And it’s not because we have such a great time with him at the different sporting events he takes us all. You’re our mom. We wouldn’t sell you short like that….well maybe if he got us Super Bowl tickets.”

  I laughed.

  “But seriously,” Thomas continued, “If we didn’t think he was right for you, we’d let you know. You don’t understand the change in you since you’ve met Charles. You are filled with a self-confidence you never seemed to have before. And when we see you two together you actually glow. It’s going to sound strange but…well it’s as if you’ve been together forever. I know the past wasn’t easy but when we see you two together it’s like the past never happened. It’s been that way from the very beginning. Everyone sees it. And from where we stand it looks like the love the two of you have for each other is growing stronger and stronger. He treats you like a Queen Mom and you deserve it.”

  “Thank you, Thomas,” I said into the phone. “But I don’t want to mess up. I can’t fail at another relationship.”

  “Oh, Mom, cut it out!”

  “Excuse you!” I said in my “mommy voice.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom. But if I told you I didn’t want to do something because I was afraid I’d fail, you’d give me so much crap! As a matter
of fact that’s EXACTLY what happened when I thought I wasn’t qualified for this job.”

  “That’s different,” I mumbled into the phone hating when my words are thrown back at me.

  “No it’s not! You got upset with me because I was only applying to jobs where I was over qualified. You accused me of not applying to upper level positions because I was afraid…afraid I’d fail. You told me only by stretching out of my comfort zone could I grow. If I kept applying to the same kind of jobs I would stay in one place. Things seem to be going really well with you and Charles and I’m sure you did something to mess it up. Didn’t you?”

  I remained silent.

  “If you truly want to be by yourself then that’s fine. But continuing to sabotage your relationship because you’re afraid is wrong and I’m sorry Mom it’s stupid. You would never allow me or Aiden to get away with this. So why should you?”

  This darn kid…how did he get so smart?

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  “How’s the prime rib?”

  “It’s delicious, as always,” Charles said politely while reaching for his glass of wine.

  “And the asparagus?”

  “That too.” Although he was polite there was a distance in Charles’ tone, his mannerisms and his eyes.

  I loved cooking in Charles’ kitchen. It was a gourmet cook’s dream. However, there was definitely something missing this time. We usually prepare our meals together. Or while one is cooking the other is sitting at the breakfast bar talking, but not this time. Charles chose to work up in his office while I cooked and wondered if the damage I created could be prepared.

  I tried to break the silence.

  “Ah, Aiden wanted me to tell you he signed that football player he was telling you about. He thinks he’ll be a first round pick.”

  “That’s great,” Charles smiled for the first time since my arrival. “I know he worked hard to get him. I’ll have to give him a call to congratulate him.”

  “He’d like that.”

  Back to silence.

  “I have a surprise for dessert...”

  “I’ll have it later. I have work to do,” he said finishing up his plate.

  “Charles, do you not want me here?” I said afraid of his answer.

  “It’s not that. I told you before I had work to do.”

  “You always made time for me before. Tonight you’ve barely spent ten minutes with me.”

  He looked up. “There seems to be a lot of that going around.”

  I picked up my glass of wine and took a small sip.

  After a brief hesitation Charles said, “Simone, what are you doing here?”

  I looked at him. “Why? I never needed an excuse to cook for you before.”

  “This is different. I barely heard from you for over two weeks. And then two days ago you called me out of the blue asking if you could come over tonight and cook.”

  “I told you I had been busy. The audit is taking a lot out of my staff.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really.”

  Silence again.

  “I’m going up to my office,” Charles said pushing his chair from the dining room table.

  “Charles, please wait,” I said. He looked at me…waiting. “Don’t go….I wanted to talk to you.”

  He scooted his chair back underneath the table and waited.

  “I wanted to apologize….for…for the way I acted in the Bahamas. I don’t know what got into me…I really loved the earrings….”

  “We both know it had nothing to do with the earrings,” he interrupted. Charles seemed to be waiting for an explanation.

  I couldn’t think of anything to say. Charles continued to wait.

  “Let me make it a bit easier for you, Simone. I know you have trust and abandonment issues that go way beyond your ex-husband. I’m not him and I’m not any of the other people who you feel let you down. It’s me. Charles. I’ve done everything I could to prove my love for you. I’m not perfect, and I’ll make mistakes, as we all do. But I would never intentionally hurt you. And I do not deserve the treatment I’ve been getting from you these past few weeks.”

  “I know you don’t. I don’t know…I acted so…All I can say is I’m sorry for hurting you.”

  Charles continued to look at me. “Is that it?”

  “Well, yes, for now.”

  “I tell you what.” Charles threw his napkin down on the table. “When you’re ready to have an adult conversation, let me know.” With that he got up from the table and left the room. A few moments later I heard the door to his office close.

  I got up, cleared the table, rinsed off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. I wiped down the counter top.

  What an idiot I was! How could I have made an even bigger mess of things? What the hell was wrong with me? He was mine for the taking and I was acting like a…like an ass! Period. I would never have put up with that crap from anyone. Get over yourself, Simone. You’re a grown ass woman. Act like it!

  Upstairs was a wonderful man who loved me and who I loved. I was afraid to show him my feelings, and why? Because I was afraid he’d hurt me? And here I was hurting him and myself in the process. That made no sense at all. Both Moira and Thomas were right. I was shooting myself in the foot, just to keep myself safe. ”Yeah and how’s that working?” I mumbled to myself.

  What was I doing? I threw the sponge down, dried my hands, applied the lotion on my hands that Charles kept for me by the side of the sink, and went up to his office.

  Stopping at the door of his office, I opened it without knocking. Charles was sitting at his desk, staring out the window at nothing, it seemed, with the tip of his reading glasses in his mouth. He was so involved in his thoughts he did not hear me come in or walk across the floor to his chair.

  I turned his chair around so he faced me. At first it seemed as if he couldn’t focus. It was as if he wasn’t sure if I was something he was seeing in his dreams or if I was really standing in front him. I knew then that he had been thinking of me while staring off in the distance.

  I took the glasses out of his hand and laid them on his desk. With both my hands I ran my fingers through his hair. And as I bent down to kiss him I whispered, “I’m really sorry.” I kissed him so deeply it seemed to shock both of us. At first he tried to remain unaffected, but then he pulled me closer and kissed me even deeper. As I straddled him I wrapped my arms around his neck. He put his hands under my buttocks and pulled me even closer.

  I began to nibble on his neck. I unbuttoned his shirt and made a trail of kisses down his neck to his chest. I pushed his shirt open even farther and took his nipple into my mouth. As I sucked on it I heard him draw in his breath. While one hand was on the back of his neck, the other traced the line of hair that led from his stomach into his jeans. With a groan he pulled my hand away. He began to kiss my neck and leave a trail of kisses as well. His hand opened my jeans and entered. As he began to stroke me I became lost in his touch.

  As I sat on his lap he whispered in my ear, “Tell me…tell me.”

  As I let go I gave a shudder and whimpered. I wasn’t able to say anything coherent.

  Just then Charles stood up holding onto me. He pushed me back against the wall. He ripped open my blouse. Somewhere in the distance I heard the buttons hit the floor. He raised my arms over my head. With one hand holding my hands up he used the other to pull the cups of my bra up. He took a breast in his mouth. For a moment I stopped breathing. He then went to the other breast. I didn’t think my legs would be able to hold me up any longer.

  He must have sensed it, because just then Charles carried me over to the couch and gently laid me down. Slowly his tongue began to make a trail down from my breasts to the center of my stomach. He pulled down my jeans and looked into my eyes. The desire I felt for him was reflected in his eyes.

  As he filled me I reached up to meet him. He held me tight and demanded, “This time I want all of you! No holding back! I want all of you!”

&n
bsp; As I reached up to meet every thrust I felt myself reaching the edge…faster and faster. I called out his name. And as the tears spilled over, I fell completely over the edge and whispered over and over again “I love you, Charles, I love you.” And somehow I knew I’d never be afraid to say it to him again.

  1

  Chapter 10

  1991

  “Tommy stop pulling on the curtain.”

  “But I want to see when Daddy’s truck pulls up.”

  Thomas had called the night before saying he was in New York and wanted to see the boys. Tommy and Aiden were now 5 and 6 years old.