The Felix Fiasco

by Randi Devilkin

  “No. It’s heartbreak. Much more painful.”

  “Okay, now. Relax.” I shove my phone back in my pocket.

  “My ex-wife thinks I don’t love her. She’s getting married tomorrow.”

  “Why does she think whatever she thinks?” I ask.

  “Because I said, ‘I don’t love her,’ in exactly those words. She called to give me, to give us, one last chance. I blew it. What do I do?”

  “Hmm. I’ve got two contradictory pieces of advice, and you need to decide which one applies. Okay?” He wipes his tears with the back of his hand and nods. “Option one, if you’re lonely or bored or sad for any reason other than not being with her, then leave her alone, and let her be happy. That’s what a decent human being would do. Option two, if you love her with all your heart, and you’re committed to fixing everything that was wrong–most of which was probably your fault–then call her, and ask to meet somewhere to talk.”

  “Should I buy flowers?”

  “No time for that now, but if you guys get back together, buy her flowers every month.”

  “That’s solid wisdom. Thanks.” Clark snaps a salute, clicking his heels. He turns and races like a greyhound after a rabbit.

  When I unlock my door and walk in, Princess shuns me, though she’s more glum than cross. I clean house and review my job search plan and the Double S recipe project to make up for the afternoon’s lost productivity.

  On our last stroll of the night, Princess scarcely sniffs about or investigates anything. Back home, she retires to the guest room and burrows beneath the bed. She’s eaten little since the morning. I hope she’s merely peeved with me and not coming down with anything.

  SUNDAY MORNING, PRINCESS continues to ignore me. Could the cozy relationship we’ve pieced together be unraveling? Overcast skies and gusty winds exacerbate my uneasiness.

  On the path to the dog park, Princess perks up, though she still disregards me. One hundred yards from the Dallas Animal Services adoption showcase, she struggles free from her harness. She dashes toward the crates while I lag in pursuit. Princess circles the crates, then she yowls uncontrollably. Soon, all the adoption candidates bark, and the children bawl as the adults run about in panic.

  When I catch up, I’m winded. A police officer is on the scene. “Officer, I’m sorry. I don’t know how she slipped her leash, she’s gentle. She’d never hurt anyone.”

  “Put her on a leash. Now,” he says.

  I approach her, and she snarls.

  “Get her on that leash, or I’m calling Animal Control.”

  Princess’s tirade escalates. The police officer calls dispatch. Our idyllic dog park has descended to hell.

  The uproar ends abruptly. Winds die down, and light streams through the clouds. As though magically arriving on a sunbeam, Celeste and Ricco, looking dandy in his new collar, appear. Princess collapses at their feet. Never a believer in the supernatural, this manifestation changes my mind. Celeste is an angel.

  I flop on the ground and put my head in my hands.

  Celeste drops beside me. “Are you all right?”

  “Thanks to you.” I update her on the morning’s debacle.

  The police officer marches over. I hadn’t noticed how ruggedly handsome and age-appropriate he is. He hands me a slip of paper and his attractiveness plummets.

  “Really? Disturbing the peace?” On the bright side, Animal Control didn’t seize Princess.

  Celeste hands me Ricco’s leash before standing. “Officer, is that necessary? It was an unfortunate misunderstanding. Princess is a model citizen.” I can’t hear the rest of their conversation as they wander down the sidewalk. Ten minutes later, they return.

  The officer extends his hand. “I’ll take that paper. Princess shouldn’t take the blame for all the ruckus.” I hand it over, and he rips it into tiny pieces. He walks away, looking pleased.

  “What in heaven’s name did you say to him?” I ask.

  “Nothing much. He’s handsome, don’t you think?”

  “Ah, yeah.”

  She smiles bashfully. “We’re meeting when he gets off his shift.”

  “What about­” I clasp my hands over my mouth. Felix approaches carrying three coffees and a bakery bag. Princess and Ricco stop canoodling long enough to accept their treats, then get back to it. We two-legged animals move to a bench to enjoy our coffees, pastries, and light banter. I’m unsure of the rules of this alternate universe, so I say little, hoping for clues.

  Celeste says, “I’ve got a date. A handsome first responder.”

  “Excellent,” Felix says. “I’ve been trying to wrangle a date myself.” He looks directly at me, waiting. Celeste watches and waits too.

  Their world is so different from mine. I can’t even fathom their lifestyle.

  The silence grows awkward. I might as well put it out there and end this weirdness. “Your relationship works for you, obviously, but I don’t get it. I have enough trouble with one on one. A threesome is out of the question.”

  Celeste sputters and coffee spurts from her nose. The pups happily assist with clean-up.

  Felix puts a hand on his head and gives a little shake. “W-what?”

  Heat surges to my cheeks. “I’m not that progressive, or whatever you call it.”

  Felix looks mortified, but Celeste laughs. She laughs until tears stream down her face. Between outbursts, she spits out, “Felix is my cousin.”

  “Cousin?” I repeat.

  “Like you and Sandy,” Felix says.

  “But...” The heat on my cheeks spreads throughout my body. The air turns uncomfortably warm.

  “I moved here for work. Felix put me up until my place was ready. We’ve been spending time together catching up and because my car’s in the shop waiting for a part. I never got a rental because I don’t know my way around.” Celeste stands. “I’m taking the kids for a walk.” She giggles. “You guys really ought to talk.”

  Felix and I watch as they walk away. Next, we stare at each other. The silence prickles.

  “Would you please say something?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, smiling wanly. After a minute, he says, “Sorry about that. You mentioned a three-way and my brain short-circuited. I mean, you’re this amazing, sexy woman, and I’m a nerdy professor.”

  “I don’t know about that. In fact, I’m unemployed.”

  He shrugs. “But I’ll bet you have big plans for your next act.”

  “I do, and they’re spectacular.” It feels great to say that.

  “See? Amazing. Nothing breaks your stride.”

  We study each other, though now the silence feels companionable.

  “I can’t believe I got everything so wrong. You guys seem so romantic around each other.”

  Before Felix answers, Celeste rushes back with the pups in tow. “I’m meeting my date in an hour. Can you guys watch the kids? Oh, and I need a ride home to shower, then a ride there. And if I don’t feel comfortable, I’ll need a ride back too. Okay?” She hands me Princess’s leash.

  “Sure,” Felix says. He turns to me, “Yep. Tantalizing talk. I understand how you thought our conversations were romantic.” He stands. “I’d like to continue this conversation. May Ricco and I pay you fine ladies a visit after we drop off Celeste? Perchance, watch a movie?”

  Thank goodness I’m sitting down because I’m all wobbly. Princess breaks from nuzzling Ricco to nod at Felix. My throat tightens, but I force myself to speak. “I won’t promise a movie, but we can chat.”

  Princess and I watch them walk down the path to the parking lot. I stand and ask Princess, “We good?” She takes time deciding, then gives my hand a quick lick. “Thank you. Now, time for us to get moving.”

  After we amble home, I’m relaxed. Two weeks ago, I’d have been in a total panic over my career and dating prospects. Now I’m looking forward to my future, whatever it might bring.

  While we wait for our guests, I double-check that everything is ready for the upcoming week. With not
hing left to tweak, I walk into the kitchen to prepare a snack.

  There’s an enormous head of celery in the fridge. After learning of this vegetable’s aphrodisiac qualities, it has become a staple in my diet. I wash, chop, and arrange celery, carrots, and jicama on a tray, and set out hummus.

  When the doorbell rings, Princess rushes to the front door, her tail wagging. I steady myself with a deep breath and open the door. Ricco rushes in, and the happy pups race down the hall.

  Felix stands in the doorway, holding a potted ivy and a bottle of wine. “These are for you.”

  “How sweet. Would you like to come in?”

  “Very much so.” He hands me the plant and the bottle.

  I put the gifts down and sit on the sofa. “Make yourself comfortable.”

  Felix sits rigidly. Sweat beads at his hairline. I think he’s nervous. I think he’s adorable.

  I lean over and kiss him. He blinks in surprise, then kisses me back.

  His lips are soft and warm. With each kiss, the urgency and the heat increase. I pull back to look at him, and he says, “This is nice.” He leans in for another kiss when Ricco and Princess reappear and jump on the sofa.

  After some negotiation, we get comfortable and settle on Lady and the Tramp. We watch the movie, drink wine, and enjoy the vegetables. Twenty minutes into the movie, Felix whispers in my ear, “Is there more celery? I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to get enough right now.”

  About the Author

  Randi Devilkin writes contemporary romantic comedy for grown-ups. She hopes any reader, who speculates him or herself to be a source of her writing inspiration, will feel flattered by the resultant fiction. Furthermore, she would like to note that anyone unhappy with any story line or character could have behaved differently.

  Acknowledgments

  A big thank you to my talented critique partners: Glenda, Carolyn, and Jan. I’m also grateful for Randi’s consultants: Doris, Barri, Lynne, and Kim, and my real-life Sandy. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

  To the readers: Thank you for spending time with Felix. If you enjoyed him, please consider writing a review.

  Come back for more book boyfriends: Andy, Byron, Collin, Devin, and Elon. You’ll be glad you did.