Love and Chaos

by S. M. Soto

  My chest tightens, and I give him a sharp nod, not liking the idea of them operating on her and cutting her open, but if it keeps her alive and keeps our son safe, I’m on board. Dr. Chang and his assistant work around Sophia, prepping for surgery. I try to ignore the twinge in my chest, the tightness that is making it hard to breathe.

  When they’re ready, Dr. Chang instructs me to stand near Sophia’s head, the drugs they’re pumping through her system keeping her sedated so they can work.

  At least she doesn’t have to feel the pain of the contractions.

  My eyes ping back and forth from her to the monitor as they cut into her. The doppler monitor transmits on one of Dr. Chang’s screens for the baby and both look steady.

  Leaning into her, I press a chaste kiss to her sweet lips, resting my forehead against hers, even though she probably can’t feel it. A tremor runs down my spine when I finally hear it. The sound of crying. I never thought it would be like sweet music to my ears but fuck, it is. My chest tightens.

  He’s got the best cry.

  Little lungs of a warrior. And when I drag my gaze away from Sophia to look at him, still bloodied while they suction him clean, something happens inside me that I’d never thought could happen again, that sensation in my chest expands, stilling my breath. Stopping my heart.

  It’s a fucking paradox.

  After Sophia, I never thought I’d feel such an overwhelming urge to protect, but I was wrong. I steel my jaw, trying to keep my emotions in check as I stare at my son.

  My fucking son.

  A piece of me.

  My flesh and blood.

  Nothing else matters in this moment. And when I look down at Sophia, I know nothing else will. It didn’t matter that I was the Devil and she was an angel. It didn’t matter that there would always be someone hunting me and in turn, someone hunting them because of it. Because I’d lay down my life for them both. I’d set hellfire on this earth, and hunt anyone down who threatened to take them away from me.

  I’ve never experienced what it was like to have a family. When my mother was alive, she was the closest thing I had. But this…this sensation, this feeling, it’s different.

  It’s the whole fucking world and then some.

  Dr. Chang’s assistant and Magdalene work to clean him up and check his vitals while Dr. Chang clears Sophia, checking for any remaining fluid or anything that could possibly endanger her. He keeps her on the oxygen mask while cleaning her up.

  After a while, Sophia starts coming to, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see her bright green eyes flutter open. They dart around the medical room, immediately seeking me out. I see the questions in them, the confusion. The fear. Like she doesn’t understand what happened.

  I search the emerald gleam in her eyes and breathe a sigh of relief that they’re back to that bright color, back to normal. I lean into her, brushing her chocolate strands back from her face. She gives a weak smile when she sees me, and I lean in to kiss her. I relish in the feel of those soft lips against mine. Something that I could’ve missed, something that I could’ve lost if things went the other way today. We got lucky that Dr. Chang and his assistant managed to get her condition under control. I could’ve lost every single thing I love in the span of one day. A few fucking minutes.

  “What happened?” she asks, voice raspy.

  “Gave everyone a little scare,” her eyes widen with fear and I’m quick to reassure her that everything is okay. “He’s fine. You both are.”

  “He’s fine?”

  Just then, Dr. Chang walks over, my son nestled in a blanket in his arms. Sophia makes an odd sound, and when I look down at her, I see the tears already trailing down her cheeks. She blows out a breath filled with relief.

  Sophia starts sobbing, once she hears the sound of his cries. It’s not her frightened cry or her sad one, it’s different, and when they place our son on her chest, in her arms, I see a light in her that I’ve never seen before. It’s bright and vibrant. It’s that goddamn beacon. And when she stares down at him, crying on her chest, I see the protective gleam in her eyes.

  Because she feels it too.

  Tears cascade down her cheeks, pouring from her eyes with no stop in sight. Unable to help myself, I lean in, pressing kisses against every inch of her face, every inch of her skin, and I realize I’m thanking her. With each kiss against her lips, her cheek, her forehead, I’m whispering thank you, over and over.

  We both stare down at him, his eyes still closed and his red little face screwed up with anger, his little mouth parted, releasing a strong cry. The sound of a warrior.

  “He’s so beautiful,” she sobs. And it’s a fucking struggle to contain my emotions. I haven’t felt this soft since the death of my mother. I look from my son to Sophia, the way she’s looking down at him, the way his cries are slowly calming as she pats his back.

  “Just like you.”

  She looks up at me, her chin quivering with emotion. Those green eyes bore into mine and I feel the love shining back at me. The bright tunnel, that bright force of light she has in her that beckons to me, piercing through the darkness.

  “I think I know the perfect name for him,” she whispers, looking down at him. “Angelo. Angel for short. Because that’s exactly what he is. He’s our angel, our own little slice of heaven. He’s a miracle, Creed.”

  My chest tightens.

  I clench my jaw. The muscles tightening as I grind my teeth together, trying to hold it together.

  I didn’t know what I expected to happen when Sophia gave birth. I didn’t know if I’d feel a connection with my own son. After years of being tortured by my father and his men, I didn’t think loving anyone, but Sophia was possible, but he proved me wrong. And Angelo is a perfect name because she’s right. He is our angel.

  And I’d continue being the Devil for them both, damning every evil soul that threatens them to hell. I’d protect my son and his mother with my entire life.

  “It’s perfect.”

  I watch with rapt attention as Magdalene helps Sophia try to breastfeed. She gently places a pillow over Sophia’s stomach, careful of her staples and helps her position Angel. Dr. Chang switched her from the ventilator that covers her entire mouth to a nose cannula for the next twenty-four hours to be safe.

  Angel grows frustrated when he can’t get the hang of it, his little arms vibrating with anger, the tiniest little hands balled into fists. I can see Sophia’s eyes start to droop with just how exhausted she is from today. But she’s fighting it because she doesn’t want to miss one second of being with him. And I don’t blame her.

  Finally, Angel seems to latch on to Sophia’s breast and the sound of his little suckling is like a balm to my soul that I never knew I needed. Magdalene helps Sophia maneuver him to burp him, and when her eyes start to flutter closed with fatigue, I swallow down the lump in my throat. I reach out to Magdalene for him.

  There isn’t surprise in her eyes, but something else. A brightness, as she looks from me to my son, something that hasn’t been there since my mother’s death.

  “You should take off your shirt. Do skin to skin with him. It’s good for bonding.”

  I take off my shirt and settle back into the chair, reaching out for him. I take my son in my arms and carefully place his small, warm body on my chest. He started crying the second Magdalene took him from Sophia. It was like he knew he wasn’t with his mother anymore. I freeze at first. With a crying baby on my chest. But like there’s a voice in my head coaching me what to do, I tighten my hold around him, my hand spanning his entire back. I rub his skin. Just as I would Sophia’s when I’m trying to soothe her. His skin is soft and his smell…I never thought anything could smell as good as his mother, but as I inhale his scent, I’m proven wrong once again. He slows his crying, just making little mewling noises now, and I can’t contain the tightness brimming in my chest.

  Craning my head back to look down at him, I take in his tiny face, the little button nose and his bright lips tha
t look so much like his mother’s. He has a full head of dark black hair, and his skin already has the tan hue to it that runs on my side of the family.

  He’s perfect.

  Completely innocent.

  Sophia’s right. He’s a goddamn miracle.

  He finally stops crying, and I think he’s fallen asleep, but when his eyes open and meet mine, my breath catches. They’re identical to mine.

  My chest swells. With love. With pride. With a fierce protectiveness. My son doesn’t stare up at me with the fear that most people hold for me. It’s with curiosity. His little mouth opens in a yawn, but his eyes never stray from mine. Like he doesn’t want to look away. I know I don’t.

  “It’s a good thing Sophia’s asleep. Her ovaries might explode if she saw you two right now.”

  I unwillingly tear my gaze from my son as Alexis steps into the room. She darts her gaze to Sophia, her features softening before looking back on the tiny baby that’s now sleeping on my chest.

  “My god,” she whispers, coming closer. “He’s so tiny. He literally fits in the palm of your hand.” Her eyes shine with tears. I’m sure a normal father would offer to let her hold him, but I’m not ready to give him up yet. I’m not ready to share him with anyone.

  “Did you guys choose a name?”

  I glance at Soph, still sleeping, and wonder if I should wait for her to tell her friend. “Angel.”

  She smiles. Her eyes glimmering with tears. “I don’t think you could’ve found anything more perfect for him.” She stares down at my son resting on my chest, before her eyes drift to mine.

  “Thank you. I know I’ve never said it to you. And after everything you’ve done…it should’ve come sooner but thank you. For saving her. For loving her. For saving me and bringing me into your lives. And thank you for him. He’s going to change all of our lives and he doesn’t even know it yet.”

  I look down at him and realize she’s right.

  “I’ll come back later. Magdalene and I are working on a project for Sophia when she wakes up, but let me know if you guys need anything.”

  She starts walking toward the door but stops just before leaving. “You’re going to make a great father. Sophia was right.”

  With those as her parting words, she slips out of the room, leaving us. I look back down at my son and hold on to him a little tighter as I think about all the times he could’ve been taken from me. All the times I could’ve lost this moment, without even realizing how monumental it would be. I could’ve lost it all, had things turned out differently. And now that I have him here in my arms, the thought alone is like a dagger to my chest. Like the torture I endured as a child, only worse. The thought is unbearable.

  With my free hand, I rub the back of my finger across his plump cheeks. Over his tiny brows. I take his little curled fist in my large one, rubbing my finger over the soft skin. And as if on reflex, he opens his hand, curling his entire fist around my thumb and he squeezes, like he doesn’t want to let go.

  I press my lips together, trying to contain the emotion. The violent swell of warmth in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. It feels like my fucking heart is on fire.

  “I’m going to protect you with my entire life, son,” I whisper to him vehemently. And I don’t mean it in vain. I’m going to protect him with every fiber of my being. He’s only been on this earth for approximately two hours and he’s already managed to capture my entire heart. He already has an unbreakable hold on my entire soul. “You and your mom—I’m going to protect you both. I promise you that. I love you so much.” Leaning my head down, I press my lips against his skin, and I feel moisture pool in my eyes. Emotions climb their way up my throat, holding my vocal cords captive. I’ve said everything I need to say. It’s like a seal of my promise.

  I hear Sophia’s sharp exhale from beside me and when I look up, my eyes widen. I had no idea she was awake that whole time. She’s crying as she watches us. Tears trailing down her cheeks and a contented smile on her face.

  “I knew you were going to be an amazing dad.” She looks down at Angel then back up to me, like she doesn’t know who she wants to look at more. “How do you manage to make it look so hot?” She laughs through her tears and a smirk spreads across my face. Hugging little guy to my chest to make sure he’s secure, I lean forward and kiss her.

  I’ve never felt like anything was so right in my world. I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be in this moment. It’s one I want to remember forever.

  WHEN MY EYES FLUTTER OPEN adjusting to the ceiling of the medical room, I have a sense of déjà vu. I’ve been in this position, in a hospital bed so many times, it doesn’t register what I’m lying in this bed for until I hear his soft whisper.

  Turning my head, I try to ignore the soreness radiating from my abdomen, and when I see Creed, holding our son on his chest like that’s where the two of them belong, I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, trying to hold it together, not wanting to ruin this private moment between them. Creed stares down at Angel with so much love in his eyes. It has the water works starting again.

  With a gentleness I’ve only known Creed to have for me, he caresses our son’s face. This big, bad man, this dark man with such a taint on his soul, is holding our son against him like he’s his lifeline. Angel looks so tiny in his arms. He’s only six pounds and ten ounces but he didn’t feel as small in my arms as he looks in Creed’s. Our baby boy practically fits in the palm of his dad’s hand and I can’t help the way my chest swells as I watch Creed with him.

  I’ve seen his worries. I’ve listened to his whispered confessions of not being able to love and worrying about not being a good father, but even through all of that, I never doubted Creed’s potential to be a father. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, once our son was born, he was going to fall in love with our child. That same protectiveness he had for me would transfer, but this…as I stare at them, I realize it’s stronger than I could’ve imagined.

  “I’m going to protect you with my entire life, son,” he whispers. His voice is gritty with emotion, like he’s trying to contain himself. “You and your mom—I’m going to protect you both. I promise you that. I love you so much.”

  When he leans in to press a kiss against our son’s head, I lose it. A ragged gasp tumbles past my lips. My body overflowing with love and so many emotions as I watch the two most important people in my life.

  Creed holds our sweet boy and stares down at him with so much love in his eyes it’s surreal. To actually believe we’re here. We made it and a small part of me worried we never would. I know this life isn’t easy, by any means, I’ve experienced first-hand just how dangerous it could be, and I always worried this happiness, that little bundle of joy laying in his arms, our angel would be taken from us. I never thought we’d get here. I hoped we’d make it this far. I hoped I’d get to experience this with him, but now that it’s here, I don’t know how to control or contain my emotions.

  When Creed leans in to kiss me. I put everything I can into kissing him back. Letting him feel how happy I am. How much I appreciate him. How completely in love I am with him and our son. I let my kiss say everything I can’t because of how tight my throat is with emotion. He pulls back, his face still hovering above mine, our son clutched tightly against him.

  “I love you. Both of you. So goddamn much, I don’t know what to do with it.”

  I smile. “This little guy is the luckiest in the world. Want to know why?” I ask, looking up at him. I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he works a swallow. “Because he has you as his father. As his protector. As the person who loves him with his entire heart and soul. That’s why he’s the luckiest. And so am I.”

  I press my hand against Creed’s cheek that’sriddled with scruff, enjoying the way he leans into my touch and his eyes flutter closed.

  “Want to bring everyone in?” I ask.

  He shakes his head, pulling himself back up and planting his big body back into the chair with Angel. “Not yet. I need you b
oth to myself a little longer.”

  I smile and close my eyes. “Me too, Daddy. Me too.”

  Creed and I enjoy our time with Angel for a few more hours before everyone beyond the door starts getting impatient. Dr. Chang and his assistant hover, keeping a close eye on me after my scare during labor earlier. I don’t completely understand why it happened, much less how, all I know is I’m happy we’re both here safely.

  The first ones to practically barrel through the door when Creed gives the okay is Alexis, Jose, and my brother. Kam, Monte, Clarence, and Lorenzo are close to follow, lingering in the back with Creed, watching as everyone gushes over Angel. There’s one thing everyone agrees on. He’s the spitting image of his father. Right down to the eyes. Every single part of Angel is Creed and it makes my chest swell. This is exactly what I pictured in my dreams. And now that I have it, the real thing? It’s even better than I imagined it would be.

  Alexis is the first to reach out for him. Her eyes sparkling in awe as she stares down at him.

  “Give me my nephew. Hand him over.”

  Garrett shoots her a glare, bumping her out of the way. “Excuse you. I’m the real uncle. I go first.”

  They both shoot each other glares like they’re children and it reminds me of when we were younger, how things used to be. Creed moves to the other side of the bed, making room for Alexis and Garrett to crowd me and Angel.

  “Damn, Soph,” Garrett breathes as he stares down at Angel. “I can’t believe you’re a mom.”

  I smile. Because I honestly can’t believe it either. I wish I could be celebrating this day with my parents and Creed’s mother, but as I look around the room, at the love shining in everyone’s eyes. I wouldn’t change any of it. This is exactly where we were all supposed to be.

  I wipe the stray tear and nod to my brother. “Want to hold him?’

  His swallow is loud, and I watch as he nods, a skittish look passing over his eyes. If there’s one thing I know about my brother, it’s his fear of babies. I’ve never met anyone more scared to have kids than my brother.