Sin

by Torrie Robles

  "I love you too, Mama, more than you know."

  "I want to see my children happy, Matthew. I want to see them flourish, but you aren’t mijo. You haven't been living and I cannot stand it anymore."

  "I'm living, Mama, the best way I can."

  "Why do you say that? What does that mean? And why all the BS with Savannah?"

  "I don't know what you want from me, Mama."

  "What I want? Oh, mijo, I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted."

  "I'm not sure that's possible, but I don’t have to be happy in order to be living and that's what I'm doing. I’m living."

  "You're existing, son. Not living and don't try to convince me otherwise. You've been nothing of the boy that you were before your sister and father were killed."

  "That’s what Savannah said. But I was lost before they were killed, Mama. You didn’t have the chance to see it before they were taken from us."

  She falls silent as we continue to walk down the street where I grew up. The city has grown around this area and because of that, it's not as nice as I once remember it. Our little neighborhood has almost been forgotten, but that's alright with us. We like the fact that it's not as busy as it once was. The club, although still strong has decreased in numbers. When my father led the club, there were so many members it was hard to keep track, now we only have a handful in this chapter. Once we decided, the club needed to changed directions to ensure our survival members left or switched charters, which was fine with us. We only wanted those who were loyal to us, so we became smaller. We have just enough to keep us on the books as a legitimate club. The size isn't a bad thing. It's helped us stay tighter, trust easier. I'm sure we will grow again in numbers, but right now, it works for us. We continue around the land that the club owns. Houses that were once occupied by members, sit empty. Waiting for life to be brought back to their walls. "Do you miss it?" I ask.

  "Miss what?"

  "All the craziness of the club from when you were younger."

  "I had my time, I don't miss it. There has been a lot of loss because of the club. A lot of death. Your father wanted so much when he started everything. He wanted those who he loved to always be close. It's sad to see the homes that once held so much love now empty."

  My mother's home isn't the only one that sits on the club’s property. Along with the clubhouse, and the shop there were six houses, seven including my mother's. My father made sure that the members who had full families had their homes close to the club to ensure safety and focus on what was important, and that was brotherhood. The single members stayed in the many rooms of the clubhouse while those who had children and wives got to live in one of the houses. My mother’s is the only house that is occupied now.

  "The time will come, Matthew. The houses will be filled again. Your brother will see to that, but right now, the quality of the club is more important than the quantity, but members will come. The club will thrive under his leadership just as it did with your father. But enough of changing the subject. We're talking about the present and future for you, not my past."

  "My present is what you see, Ma, and my future, is something I don't care to think about."

  "She sees you, doesn't she?" My mother stops, making me follow.

  "What do you mean?"

  "Savannah sees you, and you don't like it. She sees you, just like Sienna saw you."

  "No."

  "Yes, mijo, don't lie to me."

  "She talks about things that she doesn't know or understand. She thinks she knows what will make me happy and she doesn't because she doesn't understand who I am."

  "No one has to know you a lifetime to see who you are, what you can be and what you hold in your heart, son. It doesn't matter is she's only been here weeks or days. There's a reason why she's still here. Why she has put her trust in you and it's not because she doesn't have anywhere else to be. She has a family, but she chooses to stay here because of you."

  "She needs to be safe."

  "Matthew, we live in modern times. There are several ways to keep her safe, to keep her and that baby safe, but she still decided to be here with you. Why do you think that is?"

  "I don’t know, Mama. But if you're thinking that she's a way for me to be happy, don't go there. Too many lives have been lost because they've put their trust in me and I refuse to allow that to happen to her and that baby."

  "When are you going to see, mijo. You did nothing wrong over there." She touches my side. Not many people know of my scars, not many people have seen them. Very few know the extent of the injuries I obtained when I ran the other way, instead of facing the hell that was in front of me. "This is proof that you put your life before others. Your body is proof that you always put other's first."

  "No, Mama." I push her hand from my side. "The scars on my back prove that I'm a coward."

  "Really? And the three men that you took with you when you ran for cover when the first bomb went off? Do they see you as a coward?"

  "Ask the five others that didn't leave the sand alive, Mama. Oh wait, you can't because they're dead. I ran when I should have been looking out for them."

  "Mijo, you can't save everyone. You can only do what is possible and you did that. You saved lives."

  "I have seven lives on my hands because of the decisions I've made."

  "Your sister and father deaths are not on your hands, Matthew."

  Never in my life have I felt anger towards my mother, I can’t be angry as she expresses to me her feelings. She and my father raised me to respect them, respect what they've done for me, even when I may not agree with it. But I can’t help feel like I’m living a life as the result of my father’s bad choices.

  My father made a life for us as he saw fit. He had his dreams and my mother encouraged him to follow them. They did what they felt was best for us, but I think they made wrong choices. Deciding to raise a family in club life was the first bad decision in my opinion. We’ve all suffered because my father didn’t look into the future. He didn’t take in consideration the dangers running a MC might bring to his family.

  "If I wouldn't have left,” I say through clenched teeth, “then they would still be alive. But I left, I chose to think of myself and look what happened. Men died because of me and then when I came home, injured, my sister and father were killed and I couldn't do anything, Mama, again. Because I chose to be selfish and have a life outside of this club I couldn't even help to find her, my sister, my baby sister, and because of that, my father was killed. All because I wanted a life that didn't include motorcycles or turf wars, because I wanted more, I wanted a life I didn't deserve. I am Sin," I hit myself in the chest "I was born into a life of bikers and clubs and I was stupid to think I could be anything but."

  "Why must you take the blame for so many things that aren't your fault? Why punish yourself?

  "I'm not punishing myself, Mama, please believe that. I’m just trying to do right by others. To keep those who I care about safe."

  "Is Savannah in that group, along with me, your brother, and your club? Is she included?" I don't answer her. My eyes fall to the ground. She knows I care more than I should. More than I want to, more than I planned to.

  "Matthew, I've watched your brother hide the love of his life out of fear. A fear that your father and me are responsible for. I've watch Hawking go through life lost because he has felt abandoned by the one person who should have always made him feel wanted. And that's okay, Rose walked away from her son and this life because she couldn't handle it. I love Hawking as my own. I've been blessed to have four children, by blood and by choice. But Rose should have thought of that when she got involved with Hound in the first place, before Hawking was a thought, her selfishness cost him. Not her, she's off, living and doing whatever and I've had to see her little boy grow up needing to feel wanted and included in a club and his friendships because he feared that he will live his life not truly feeling like belongs. You, you my son, I've seen you grow up. You had the family, the bond th
at was between you and your sister. You’ve always had more than most of the boys who grew up with you. You had a good foundation to build a life that you’ve always wanted. Be it with the club or without. You’ve had the tools to be so much more than what you thought you could. When Sienna passed, the light in your eyes died. The man you were becoming died right along with your sister. You walk through your days, not fitting in, not wanting to be here or there, but not wanting to stay or go away. You pacify yourself, you hold back when you have so much love to give, so much compassion in the tip of your fingers, but you're so afraid to reach out and touch something with meaning. You dive into the act of sex instead of living in the passion of love, all because you live inside your own head, son, and that can be a very dark place to stay." She pats my shoulder and leaves me alone in my thoughts.

  I tried waiting up for Sin to return but quickly realized it was becoming hard to keep my eyes open. Not knowing what and where I should sleep, I found one of his t-shirts, and pulled the sheets over my body, and before I knew it, I must have fallen asleep. The light of the hallway shines bright as he enters the room. I crack open my eyes in the dark, spying his silhouette. He walks over to the bed and unties his boots. His buckle clanks as he slides his jeans off his legs. He pulls the shirt over his head, dropping it on top of his jeans that are now a pile on the floor.

  "Savannah." His voice is just a whisper. I don't answer, not knowing what to say. He lays down on the bed with his back to me. He stays over the covers in nothing but the heat of his body and the soft fabric of his boxers.

  I wait, listening for his breaths to even out, giving me the sign that he's sleeping. I've only ever shared a bed with Tyson. But for some reason, lying here with Sin, I'm not afraid. I'm safe, at peace, in this moment as the darkness surrounds us. I scoot closer; the need to reach out to him is strong. I lightly place my hand on the skin of his back and feel the different textures of his scars. Some are jagged, some like smooth, silk lines spread out along his back. I move my hand down and feel a larger one that continues the entire length of his rib cage. Sin has never let me get this close to physically touch the things that hold him back in so many ways. He doesn’t just have the memories of his time in the military but he sees the physical proof every time he looks in the mirror. He is forever living with the nightmare and the guilt.

  "They're just scars."

  His voice startles me. "Wh-what?"

  "What you're feeling, they're just scars. Your touch feels like you’re trying to make them out to be more than what they are."

  ” Can you tell me how you got them?”

  “You already know. Hawk told me he told you about what happened. You already know everything that you need to know.”

  “Please Matthew.” I beg. I need to hear his version of what he believes happened.

  He turns over, lying on his back. I can make out the outline of his face in the dark. He's gorgeous in the light, and breathtaking in the dark. "I enlisted in the military as soon as I graduated. I wanted out, Savannah. I've known I wanted out of this life long before I had hair on my balls. It's crazy, as a kid you grow up thinking the way you live is how everyone else lives. When you finally see that's not the truth, it’s a shock to the system. When you see that you don't fit into the only life you've known."

  "I felt the same way when my parents told me I was adopted."

  "Yeah, well, did it make you want to flee because the first time I saw a man get shot, I was outside playing, riding a bike. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I love my father, and I respect what he built, but I never wanted to live the same way as he did, or as Cut did. I wouldn't say I was the black sheep of the family; I guess in this case I'd be the white sheep. Anyways, I left for basic. I had a plan, I wanted to bide my time and then I wanted to move through the ranks. I wanted to go to school and eventually, I wanted to become a private contractor with the military. I wanted to design and build for them. I wanted to get all these ideas I had in my head out on paper and then see them come to life."

  "Aren't you doing that now?"

  "Yeah, but to me, it's the consolation prize to what I really wanted to do with my life. I fucked that up the moment I stepped into the heat of the desert. Nothing can prepare you for the things you see over there. It’s a completely different world. It's crazy that we live with freedom when there are so many other countries living with suppression. It takes a special type of person to be able to survive in that kind of atmosphere, and I'm sad to say I wasn't one of them. Seeing the death and the violence wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't part of my plan when I enlisted. I was seeing more horror in the military than I ever saw as the son of the club president."

  "But you were fighting for our country and our freedom. It's because of the military that we have what we continue to have."

  "And as a member of the club, Savannah you fight to keep your territory, you fight to keep your club and your family safe. There is little difference between the two. I had been enlisted just less than four years when my next six-month tour was underway. I had it all planned out. I was going to finish my tour and then go to school. I had arranged to switch divisions when my reenlistment came up and be technically trained. I was going to finally get what I wanted. I was deployed less than a month when my squad of nine went out on patrol. It was quiet, eerily still that night. The wind wasn't blowing; you couldn't hear anything, no dogs barking, no one arguing. It was the calm before the storm, literally. Before we knew it, the opposition was firing upon us. We were under heavy gunfire and then there was a huge explosion. They had sent an RPG towards us. Luckily, it didn't come close, just scaring the shit out of all of us. We scattered and before we knew it, there was another explosion. The look of the guys faces; they haunt my dreams. Not all of the training in the world can prepare you for possibly facing the last moment of your life. Everything moved so fast, but in slow motion at the same time. I remember seeing another bright flash. I heard men screaming, yelling to take cover. I watched as much of my squad ran to take cover behind some abandoned cars and right as they reached safety the cars blew up, killing all of them. I couldn’t take it any longer. There was nothing left to do so I grabbed the three men that were by me and I turned and ran the opposite direction. I dragged them with me, pulling and pushing them, trying to save my own life, hoping they would be safe as well. There was another big explosion, my ears started to ring and I was blown further forward."

  I reach out, touching Sin's arm, tears pricking my eyes. I can't comprehend what he has gone through. All to reach his dreams, and then being stopped dead in his tracks. "Matty." My voice reveals the emotion I feel as I choke back my tears.

  "When I woke up, they told me that I had kept hold of those three men and when we were blown up, my body shielded them. I still don't know how, but the three of them walked away. I caught shrapnel in my back. A large piece of metal embedded into my kidney, shredding it."

  "You're a hero."

  "No, because I didn't act soon enough I watched five men run to their deaths. I should have known those cars weren't safe, that it was a trap."

  "You couldn't have known that."

  "I should’ve known that. I grew up hearing about traps, and to always question the things that seems to be perfect. I heard my father talk about game plans and strategy enough in my life to know that they were walking into a trap."

  “You take too much responsibility for things that are out of your control. Things that you were never responsible for in the first place."

  "Like I did with you?" He angles his head to look at me.

  I reach out and place my hand on his bearded cheek. He instinctively leans into it. I wonder if he wears the beard to help hide who he is, or who he thinks he is. "You being responsible for those deaths is like me saying my parents are responsible for the abuse I endured for all those years."

  "You haven’t placed blame on them? You haven’t questioned why they never looked more closely to their daughter?”

  I shake m
y head. "No, I haven’t. Tyson’s the only one who’s responsible for that. I'm only responsible for staying."

  "Why do I feel so responsible for their deaths?"

  "Guilt. You feel guilty for surviving. I think you feel if you make your life miserable that you're justifying the fact that you're alive when they aren't. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can run your life, just as much as anything else can. You’re so remorseful for things that were out of your control. It's as if you've been living your life waiting to pay for the things that have happened in your life. You think you should know what others are going to do to help prevent the evil in the world and that isn't possible. The only one you can control is yourself, and you need to realize that. Bad things are going to happen to people no matter what role you play in their lives. It's meant to happen."

  "Like fate?"

  I never thought about it like that. Is it fate that brought me here? Did I have to go through years of abuse to bring me to this moment? Lying here in the bed of a man that I wish more than anything, I can comfort. "Maybe. The whole ‘there's a bigger plan than what we see’. That may be it."

  "So you're saying its part of a plan for me to lose so many people in my life. My father, my sister."

  "We all suffer in life. Some suffer more than others and that sucks. I wish I could take your pain away from you. I wish I could show you that you deserve so much happiness and you aren't the reason for the tragedy that happened in your life."

  "I think I have to believe in those things myself. You can show me things for years on end and I'll never be able to see until I believe it myself."

  "Well, don't you think it's time to start to consider it? Don't you think it's time for you to start realizing that you aren't the catalyst for the hardships around you? You’re a victim just as much as the ones who’ve lost their lives." I said my peace; I’ve gotten out what I’ve wanted to tell him since I heard about the destruction in his life.