Sin

by Torrie Robles

  Before I have the chance to answer, I hear a soft knock on the door. “All set?” Doc questions. Savannah pulls the gown over her stomach and gives the doctor a quick nod. “You may want to sit, Sin.”

  “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Savannah, place your feet up and scoot down, please.”

  Savannah scoots down, placing her feet on the cold metal and drops her legs open. In front of another man. I try to swallow past the lump in my throat and control the urge I have to take a swing at the man who helped save my life. “Matty.” Savannah’s voice echoes in my ear. There’s fear fixed in her features. Her brows are creased, her eyes dart around my face, looking for comfort, reassurance that she’s going to be okay.

  “Shh.” I bring her hand to my lips. I kiss the back of her hand, one, two, three times. “Everything’s going to be fine, sugar.” I hold her stare, urging her to believe me. Some of the fear dissipates from her face.

  “Alright, Savannah. You’re going to feel pressure.” I don’t bother to watch the doctor do his job, as much as I don’t like to think of what his hands are doing. I know this is about Savannah and not the primal need I’m starting to feel in the pit of my stomach. She whimpers in discomfort and I do the first thing that comes to my mind and place my lips against her forehead while I smooth my hand over her lush hair. She leans into my kiss.

  The snapping of rubber gloves has me addressing Doc for any sign he’s able to give me. A simple nod in my direction releases all the anxiety I’ve had since the moment I stepped foot into the room. “Everything feels normal for being about seventeen weeks along.” He closes the stirrups down. “I’m going to bring the ultrasound machine in along with a tech so we can check things out. Keep the drape over your lap but I’ll need you to bring the gown up over your stomach, just below your breasts. I’ll be right back.”

  “Are you okay?” She asks.

  “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

  “I appreciate you being here.” she instinctively covers her stomach with her hands.

  I pull her hands from her stomach, cupping her hand in mine. “No place I’d rather be.” I flash her a smile.

  “Hi. I’m Suzanne, and I’ll be performing the ultrasound.” A little thing pushes her way into the room, pulling a machine next to her. “Doc says you aren’t gaining the amount of weight he would like to see at this point in your pregnancy.” She brings the machine further into the room and sets it up on the opposite side of Savannah. “He wants to make sure the baby is on track. Is that correct, mom?”

  “Yes.” I answer. “She hasn’t been able to keep a lot of food down.”

  “Well, Dad–.” I flinch at the terminology.

  “No–” Savannah interjects but I give her hand a small squeeze.

  “Shh, sugar.” I bring her hand to my lips.

  Doc comes in shortly after the tech has everything set up. “We’re going to lower the lights so we can see things little better.” Suzanne explains. “You’ll see the monitor on the wall come on once I turn the ultrasound machine on. You can view the baby there while I do my thing here.” She turns the machine on and the screen on the monitor pulls up a black and white screen with Savannah’s information on it. "I’m going to squirt the gel on your stomach, don’t worry, it’s warmed.” She grabs the gel from the warmer and adds a glob to Savannah’s stomach. “Don’t worry, Dad.” Doc chuckles to himself when she refers to me as dad. “It doesn’t hurt, none of this hurts. Mom and baby will be fine.”

  Suzanne rolls the wand through the gel over her stomach. I peer at Savannah and see her eyes locked on the screen hanging on the wall. I swivel my head and stare at the sight before me. A soft gray-silhouetted outline of the smallest head, nose and lips I’ve ever seen are laid out before me. “Holy shit.” I whisper to myself. “That’s the baby?” I ask.

  “Yes.” Suzanne whispers

  I take note of Savannah’s reaction to seeing her baby. Her lip is pulled between her teeth, her brow creased as she frowns. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, opening them again to land back on the screen where her child is on display.

  “Sugar?” My voice is clogged with emotion. “What’s wrong?” She shakes her head, unable to voice what’s going on in that head of hers. She blinks, clearing the tears that are beginning to form. I reach over and brush the wetness from her cheeks.

  “I’m okay.” She’s breathless. “Just seeing the baby makes it all the more real, you know? There’s a baby in there.”

  I chuckle, “Yeah, sugar, there is. The cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”

  “Sweet talker.” She smiles, brushing away her own tears this time.

  When she seems more relaxed, I lean closer to the screen, frustrated with the fact that it’s so high on the wall. I want to reach out and touch the figure of the little life that’s growing inside the woman who’s becoming a part of me. I stare at the roundness of the head and how the nose is slightly turned up. He is going to have Savannah’s nose. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but I think the baby is going to be a mini version of the woman who’s engrained herself into my heart. The heart that I thought had died right along with my sister.

  My mind wonders to the future of a baby crying, smiling, cooing, and sleeping on my chest. The feel of feather like hair beneath my hands. Me soothing and taking care of the little life. Putting his needs before my own and loving every minute of it. I see a baby with cinnamon brown hair, blue eyes and freckles that mirror its mother’s crawling around, giggling, laughing. Throwing a baseball, teaching him how to work on bikes, teaching him to respect the women in his life. Protecting, loving, caring for a life that’s not my own. The internal struggle between things I want and the ramifications of those wants is like a storm brewing in my subconscious, but seeing the life on the screen wins out. There’s no reason to fight against what I want any longer. The little life that’s growing in Savannah’s belly is stronger than I will ever be. It’s already got me wrapped around his tiny, delicate finger.

  The image on the screen moves as the tech slides the wand again, showing different areas of the baby. There are times when it just looks like a white blob on the screen but then certain aspects come into view and I continue to stare. The little hand, five perfect looking fingers spread out. The little leg that’s curled up close to its belly. Then the baby makes a sudden jerking movement and my heart drops. My body goes rigid. “What wrong?”

  “It seems the little one has the hiccups. It’s still too soon for mom to feel it, but just you wait. Soon enough you’ll be able to feel everything little thing it does.”

  My body sags in relief.

  She moves the wand again showing the baby’s chest. I watch, as what I assume is the heart rapidly beat. Suzanne pushes on some button and moves switches on her keyboard and then room is engulfed with a steady beat of swooshing and thumping. “The baby’s heartbeat is strong,” she states. It’s so fast, the rhythm’s steady.

  I cover my mouth with my hand as a smile spreads across my face. I glance to Savannah and see the same smile on her face that mirrors mine. My chest expands as I watch the monitor, focusing on the flutter of the baby’s heart. The tech flicks more switches and types on the keyboard. “What are you doing?”

  “Measuring the heart.” She shakes her head and snorts. “Don’t worry, Dad. The beat is strong, but I want to make sure it’s developing as it should be.” She takes a few more readings. “Everything looks good.” She regards Doc with this information. “The baby is developing on track. It’s measuring seventeen weeks and four days.”

  “Holy shit.” Sin whispers. “That’s the baby?”

  “Yes,” the tech responds.

  I’m not sure what I expected when I visualized seeing my baby for the first time. I mean really seeing it. The first appointment I had it was just a smudge in the darkness of my womb. There wasn’t anything that I saw that I could make out so I took Doc’s word when he explained to me what I was supposed to be seeing. But now? Now I see the ba
by clear as day and it scares me. I’m going to be a mother, single, alone. Trying to raise a child with enough love for both a mother and a father. Seeing the precious life before me, I know without any doubt that I will risk my life to protect my child. Especially from its father. Fear and all, I will protect it.

  “Sugar?” There’s worry in his voice as he says my name. “What’s wrong?” Not being able to speak in fear that I’ll lose it, I only shake my head. There's tightness in my chest as I’m overcome with emotion. I blow out a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. Matthew’s thumb brushes against my face.

  “I’m okay.” I say. “Just seeing the baby makes it all the more real, you know? There’s a baby in there.”

  “Yeah, sugar, there is. The cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”

  “Sweet talker.” I smile, trying to make light of the situation. He’s such a fixer, but right now, I need it.

  I lay back I watch the tech take pictures and measurements of the baby. A few months ago, when I saw the tests for the first time so many things raced through my mind, but one word stuck, ‘abortion’. I was going to abort the baby because by doing that, I was going to sever whatever tie I had with Tyson. Without the child, there would be no reason for me to continue with him. I would end the life of our child just so I would have a chance to live mine. That was my struggle. That was my decision I made when I left his house that day. I felt that was the only choice I had. I had to save the baby before Tyson had a chance to destroy its life. That was the excuse I made, that was why I was going to terminate its life. I was doing it out of love.

  Then I woke up in Sin’s room. I didn’t know him as Matthew yet. As I stared into the softest blue eyes I had ever seen, I had the feeling that everything was going to be okay. Suddenly, the fear that I've lived with for the past four years had been replaced by the feeling of safety. In the room of a stranger, in a clubhouse of bikers with tattoos, surly beards, foul mouths and tough leather, I found shelter in the last place I thought I would ever find my safe haven.

  When Sin stood up to Tyson and claimed this baby as his own was the first time, I realized I would do this. That I could do this. I was going to raise this child the way it deserved. My love would be enough for it. But watching Matthew’s reaction now, in the darkness of the room seeing how he’s so engrossed in this child, so worried about it, I know that I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to be enough for my child. I want to give my child more. To give it the warmth and strength of Matthew and the protection of Sin.

  A sudden wave of warmth comes over me. I run my hand over my forehead, pushing on my temple looking for some relief. Suzanne glances my way and gives me a stiff nod. I take a deep breath, as I peer up at the screen. “Everything looks good. The baby is developing on track. It’s measuring seventeen weeks and four days.”

  “Great.” he says. “I think everything’s good, Savannah. I just think you’re extremely sensitive and your stomach is letting you know that. I don’t think there is anything to worry about. Your baby is developing. You can go about life as normal. Physical exercise and sexual intercourse is all alright. There isn’t anything to worry about at this point.”

  “Would you like to know the sex?” Suzanne asks.

  “Oh, well.” I glance over at Sin. He’s facing the monitor but he has his body twisted, looking my way. “I’m not sure. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

  “It’s up to you,” she says. “If you look here.” She rubs the wand over my stomach again. “The baby is in perfect position for me to tell.”

  “Savannah? You’re killing me, sugar.”

  There’s no way I can fight the look of complete adoration on his face. “Alright, let’s do this.”

  Suzanne pushes down on my stomach with the wand and the baby comes back into view on the monitor. “Right about there.” She says but I can’t take my eyes from Sin’s expression. He’s no longer looking at the monitor on the wall; instead, he’s watching me intently. “Think pink.” She says and I let out an overwhelming sob.

  “Come on, sugar, let’s get my girls fed.” Matthew escorts me to an older looking muscle car. The flat black paint and chrome highlights make it looks mean.

  “Whose is this?” I question as he opens the door.

  “Bubba’s. I wasn’t going to have you on the back of my bike in your condition.”

  Snickering I respond, “You know I’ve already been on your bike in my condition.”

  He shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose, “Yes, I realize now that I shouldn't have done that. That was careless on my part and I'll never put either of you in danger like that again.”

  He drops his head and takes a deep breath. He brings his eyes to meet mine and that’s when I see it, the guilt burning, clouding the blues I’ve come to love so much. The thoughts of how he’s put me in danger, how his decisions put our lives in jeopardy. I playfully smacked him on the shoulder. “Come on now, Matty, I'm sure I'm not the first pregnant woman to be on the back of a motorcycle. Besides, you didn’t even know I was pregnant then.”

  He grabs my hand, “No, I'm sure you're right, but you're the first woman pregnant or not on the back of mine.

  “Well,” I smile. “I hope to be able to ride it again, one day.” I look down and trace my hands over the slight roundness of my stomach. “Just not any time soon.”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “Definitely not anytime soon.”

  I move to get in the car, but stop “Matthew?” Our eyes meet. “Thank you. Thank you for everything that you’ve done. Everything that you’ve sacrificed for me. You didn’t have to, you know. You could have walked away when you first found me. But I’m grateful that you didn’t. You’ve given me a chance to be happy.” I rub my stomach again. “You’ve given her a chance to live.”

  “And she will, happily.” He winks and rounds the car to the driver’s side. “What are you in the mood for?” He asks when he gets in.

  “Something that I can keep down. Something that doesn’t give me heartburn.”

  “Let’s go to the diner and get you some soup.”

  The air around Sin has changed since the ultrasound. I can already feel the lightness around him. His eyes crinkle with smile lines. Something I’m not used to seeing, but looks so damn good on him. He taps his thumb on the steering wheel as he bites his lip and bobs his head to the music that floats through the car. “You’re different.” I say making him glance my way.

  “I think I am.” he agrees.

  “Why?”

  He twists his head, catching me in his gaze. “I think I’m finally seeing.”

  “Well, I’m glad, it’s about time you’re finally seeing things how they should be.”

  “You know, sugar, you say that I’ve saved you, but I think I can say that you being here is saving me more a little every day.” I give him a sly smirk. “What?” He asks glancing back and me and then the road.

  “I knew I’d grow on you.” I throw my head back and laugh.

  A genuine grin spread across his face. It’s breathtaking. His eyes shine. “Oh did you know?”

  “Yep.” I look out the window before my emotions get the better of me. I don’t want to ruin this moment with the things I want to say or push him when he’s come so far. I fear if I tell him too much then he’ll retreat from me.

  “Savannah, I’m going to try.” His face is serious now. “I’m going to try for you and for her.” He nods to my stomach. “I’m not convinced I’m the best choice, but I know I’m the only option. I’ve seen so much in my life, I’ve taken so much and I’ve blamed myself for so much that I never felt I was deserving of anything good. Now, deserving or not, I’m taking it. I’m taking all the good I can get and I’m making it mine. One way or another, I’m making you and that baby mine. You’re just going to have to be patient with me.”

  I’m more than serious about Savannah and whatever it is that’s transpired between us. This has been building up between us since the moment I
found her. I’ve foolishly spent most of the time pushing her away. I had no idea how I would feel when I walked into the appointment today. The only thing I knew was when Cut told me I should be with my girl; there wasn’t a need to say he was wrong. Even when I told him we were just friends, he knew I was full of shit. So did I.

  Listening to Kara spew her venom to Savannah ignited something in me that I haven’t felt for a long time. It’s more than the need to protect her from that bitch, it’s the need to protect her from any danger that I felt was coming her way. Savannah is so much better than Kara, and Kara knows it. Things are going to change when it comes to The Fallen and Savannah. Either they get in line when it comes to my girls or they need to pound salt because no one is going to disrespect her. No one. “What are you thinking about?” Her voice pulls me from my thoughts. I glance up to see apprehension mar her face. I reach across the table and take her hand in mine.

  “Just thinking about the club and how things are going to need to change.”

  “Nothing about the visit or anything that we shared in the car?” She takes a drink of her water and I notice there’s a slight shake in her hand. She’s scared about something.

  “Are you worried about that, sugar?” Her eyes fall to her lap, and she slips her hand from mine. She brushes her hair behind her ear. “Savannah, are you having second thoughts?”

  “I’m not sure what thoughts to have actually. I’m worried. I’m scared.”

  I know she has every right to be concerned and possibly not trust my motives. I’ve been like night and day when it comes to her. I’ve kissed her and then I’ve pulled away. I spend my days distancing myself from her. Us for that matter, but in the stillness of the night, I’m different. I spend my nights talking and sharing with her more than I’ve ever shared with anyone, other than my sister. I get what she’s scared of. It’s not just her heart that’s on the line. It’s the life of the baby that’s growing inside of her. It’s her need to think of the future of her child and what’s best for her. What she doesn’t know, blood or not, that baby is mine and I intend to make sure she knows I’m her daddy and no one else. The moment I saw her safe and secure in Savannah’s stomach, it was essential for me to let that baby girl know I’m the man she’s going to count on.