Never Again (Never Again Series Book 1)

by Jamie Lynn Boothe

  Once she had put on some clean clothes she saw her medicine sitting on the nightstand. She had been forgetting to take them and she knew that was a bad thing. When was the last time she had eaten anything decent? She couldn’t remember. Probably when Tonya had last fixed her something before she asked her to leave.

  She was letting herself fall apart and she needed help. She needed to do something before something terrible happened. Before she actually did kill herself. She didn’t know what, but something. She needed her friends and even though she was mad at Him she knew she needed God.

  Sam picked up her medicine and shuffled into the kitchen. Even though she hadn’t eaten much of anything she wasn’t very hungry. Still she knew she should try to at least put something on her stomach in order to not wither away to nothing. Plus, it would upset her stomach without food when she took her meds.

  She forced herself to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and drank a glass of water. Her eyes scanned the apartment with barely any emotion, but they were beginning to build. Her eyes scanned everything and she took it all in. Pictures of Chris and her when they got married were sitting on the entertainment center. On the walls hung more of them laughing or doing something silly. Memories were displayed and at first, she thought it was to torture her, but something miraculous happened. She felt tears of immense joy by seeing them and that almost shocked her into a breakdown of laughter. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, but she would have sounded insane.

  Standing she walked to the center of the living room and slowly turned, taking in what her heart allowed her to see. The Christmas tree that hadn’t blinked in weeks. The snowman on the windowsill and the nativity scene that Chris loved. She saw the set of pillows that Chris bought for her on her last birthday that reminded her of something when she was little. She remembered telling him about it and he had gone back and bought them for her. They didn’t match anything in the room. For some reason that fact made her love them more.

  She sat on the couch and took one of them in her arms. She laid on her side and closed her eyes and allowed her heart to feel for the hundredth time since she was told of Chris’s accident. Her tears flowed freely and in time she fell asleep again, but more peacefully and she slept for hours. When she woke up it was dark outside. With no lights on she could barely see.

  The holidays were gone except for New Years, but she plugged the tree in anyhow. She felt a spark light inside her when they began to blink. It was time to make a decision. What did she want to do with herself? Chris was gone but she was still alive. He wouldn’t want her living the way she had been since his death. He would want her to move on and be strong. She knew that there would be a lot of hard days to experience without him. She would still cry more tears, but she needed to stop hibernating.

  She looked at the time and saw it was going on 10:00 and most people were in bed or close to it. She wondered if Tonya would talk to her if she called. Or maybe Junior, who she should really call anyhow to check on him. She hadn’t even looked at her phone in two or three days. The battery had probably run out of charge. She looked at it and the screen wouldn’t light up so she plugged the charger up to it. In an hour, she could use it. An hour would seem like a long time.

  How long was the cord? She looked at it and unplugged it. She plugged it in the socket by the dining room table and sat with it. She could talk on it while it was charging. She thought about her parents when she saw that she had missed over twenty calls. Her parents. Junior. Tonya and even her instructor at school had all called her. She had some apologizing to do.

  With a breath of hope she called Tonya first. The phone rang four times and she didn’t think she would answer until suddenly Tonya’s voice came through.

  “Samantha! Honey, I’ve been so worried. How are you?”

  “Hey,” she replied meekly. “I don’t know how I am, but I miss you. I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  “Did I wake you? I know it’s getting late.”

  “I’m in bed, but I wasn’t asleep. I miss you, too.”

  “I’m sorry I made you leave,” Sam cried into the phone softly. The sound of her tears filled the phone and Tonya let her cry. After a minute, she told her it was okay.

  “I understand. I can’t begin to imagine how you have been feeling and struggling. I’m still here for you. I will always be here for you to the best of my ability.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “You will get through this Sam. You are a lot stronger than you think you are.”

  “It hurts so much. I miss him.”

  “Of course, you hurt and you will always miss him. In time, it will get easier. You may not believe that now, but it will eventually. Have you talked with Him?”

  Unsure of who she meant she asked, “Talked with who?”

  “Have you talked with God about any of this?”

  She felt a slight pang of anger hit her.

  “I don’t know if I can right now. I know He’s there, but I’m not ready.”

  “You will in time. I’m praying for you. I am sure a lot of people are praying for you.”

  They talked for about a half an hour before ending the conversation. Sam told her how she woke up and saw herself. How it had made her eyes open enough to be disgusted and she cleaned herself up. She didn’t mention the incident with the razor, but she admitted to not eating or taking her meds which she got scolded for. They talked about school starting back soon and did she think she would be ready or did she have different plans. She told Tonya she hadn’t given it any thought, but she would because she knew she had to.

  They said goodnight and would talk again in a day or so. She called Junior and made sure he was okay and invited him over whenever he was ready. He said that he would like that and probably would in a few days.

  Even though it was late she called her parents and told them she loved them. She let them know she was not okay, but she was getting there. She said she would start answering her phone and she was sorry for worrying them.

  When she went to bed that night she felt a little better than she had been. She cried herself to sleep like she would for more times than not in the upcoming weeks, but she was getting better. At least she thought she was.

  As she lay in her bed she couldn’t see the angel beside her. She couldn’t see the angel’s long red hair or her compassionate smile. She couldn’t feel the hand that was holding hers, wanting to give her strength and comfort. The only thing she could feel was the gift of sleep that was a blessing. When she dreamed that night it was a dream of her walking in a mass of clouds. One like the one she had a month ago, but had forgotten.

  ***

  Marion sat beside Sam praying hard for her poor soul. Praying deeply that she would sleep peacefully and wake up feeling more rested. Hoping she would not hurt as bad when she woke although it would take a long time for the pain to disappear.

  She knew she couldn’t leave her side for very long and sometimes she wished she had a little help from another angel. But, this was all part of Gods plan and she had to do it His way. She had to follow things that only He would understand. Things weren’t always easy. Some jobs would be even more difficult than this one, but they would make it through. She didn’t feel she was doing much of anything for Sam. Maybe all God wanted her to do was give Sam comfort. If that’s what He wanted her to do, that’s what she would keep doing. Marion had faith and sometimes faith is all you need.

  Chapter Twenty

  Sam didn’t know from one day to the next what she would feel or even how she would act. The past week had been one of the hardest in her entire life. She thought she would be okay that night she woke up and started taking her meds again. The night she became more aware. The night she plugged the tree in even though Christmas was over. Since then she had days that were bad enough for her to contemplate admitting herself someplace.

  On Monday, the cops were called by one of the neighbors because of her
screaming hysterically. Sam had thrown several pictures and a vase against a wall and it scared her neighbor half to death. When the cops showed up and knocked on her door she felt so much guilt and shame she cried herself to sleep again. When she woke up in the middle of the night was when she really had to face the results of her tantrum.

  She went to her neighbor and apologized, promising it wouldn’t happen again. Thankfully, the sweet elderly lady understood. She knew what had happened, but hoped Sam would get the help she needed. When Sam went back to her own apartment she cleaned up all the shards of glass and fell into another deep depression.

  That day she ignored all phone calls and messages. When she managed to come out of it enough to function she knew once again she had to face her consequences. Everyone told her she was scaring them and they didn’t know what to do to help her. Mostly because everyone but Junior lived so far away, but he felt helpless, too.

  The week dragged by and for the most part she didn’t leave the house or do much of anything. On Friday, she sat in front of the television staring at it the majority of the day as if she was drugged. When someone began banging on the door she tried to ignore it until the voice on the other side snapped her from her daze.

  “Sam, open the door!”

  “Tonya?”

  “Open the door honey.”

  Hearing her friends voice made her run to the door and unlock it without thinking of anything but needing to see if it was really her. She thought she was dreaming until she saw with her own eyes that Tonya was only a foot away. Close enough to touch.

  “Oh, my God!” she cried and fell into Tonya’s arms.

  They held onto each other for a long moment before letting go. When they were back inside the apartment Tonya took a long worried look at her. It took everything she had in her to not break down by the looks of her best friend.

  “You are coming back to Florida with me. I came here to take you home.”

  Sam’s defense didn’t exist. It deserted her way before Tonya ever showed up. She simply nodded and said, “Okay.”

  Tonya helped Sam the rest of that day to pack enough to last for a few weeks. She talked her into taking a long hot bubble bath and cooked the first healthy meal since she was last there. They talked about anything and everything and even though Sam struggled with it, they prayed. Before they went to bed that night Tonya got online and bought them both a ticket back to Florida.

  Sam called Junior and her parents and told them what she was doing so they wouldn’t worry. All of them wanted to talk to Tonya so they could thank her for coming all the way up there to save Sam from herself. That night they lay in bed whispering about escaping it all. About walking on the beach and enjoying the sunrises and sunsets. They talked about anything that didn’t have to do with her struggles.

  While she slept, Sam dreamed again of the clouds. She heard her Chris’s voice, but couldn’t find him.

  ***

  “The cab is here!” Tonya raised her voice to make sure Sam could hear her in the bathroom.

  “I’m coming,” she said and rushed into the living room. “Sorry. Okay, I’m ready.”

  “You sure?”

  “I’m more than sure. Let’s go where the weather is always warm.”

  The stepped out into the cold and Sam hoped it would be the last time for a few weeks. As far as she was concerned she wouldn’t mind never coming back. They filled the trunk of the cab to where it almost didn’t close and they still had two bags in between them.

  “Can you take us to the airport please?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Sam sat quietly on the way to the airport. She was feeling better knowing she was getting away. Taking a break from the world she had been dwelling in. For some reason, she felt like someone was helping her. Someone that she couldn’t see with her own eyes, but she could feel their presence. It was comforting.

  “You okay?” Tonya asked when they were pulling in front of the airport’s main entrance.

  Sam nodded and her hair fell into her eyes, “Yeah. I think I’m going to be okay.”

  Marion sat between them and firmly held Sam’s hand.

  Once they got all the luggage inside and checked in they didn’t have to wait long to be able to board. It was as if their timing was perfect. Everything had fallen into place.

  The weather was like a painting—clear skies and sunshine gently laying upon everything around them, and their flight was enjoyable. There was a lady with a grinning infant who stared at them the entire time. Every time they would look over at the child it would be showing them her gums through her smile and it made them laugh. The mother surprised them by letting them hold her. They played with the baby and made her laugh and there couldn’t have been anything better for Sam. The experience was exactly what the doctor ordered.

  When the plane landed, they were both more than happy to get off even with it being a pleasant flight. They both were looking forward to getting rid of their luggage and unwinding. When they finally arrived at Tonya’s apartment they stacked all of Sam’s bags and suitcases against the wall and left them there to deal with later. The only things she would need for the rest of the day would be her hygiene things and a change of clothes.

  Tired and a little hungry, they ordered a pizza and watched television, but they didn’t pay a lot of attention to it. Instead, it was background noise to a much-needed conversation.

  “So, what made you fly up to Connecticut like that? I mean I didn’t know you were coming or anything,” Sam questioned Tonya as she folded her legs beneath her. She rested against the arm of the couch and lovingly stared at her best friend.

  Tonya looked at her and said, “Honestly, because I was terrified you would hurt yourself. I was scared of losing you. You weren’t answering your phone or returning my calls and if we did talk I could tell you were struggling.”

  “You actually thought I would commit suicide?” Sam asked her, remembering her close call.

  “Don’t be upset, sweetheart. What would you have thought if it had been me? If the situation was switched and you were me?”

  Sam looked down and felt ashamed of how she had been behaving. She started to play with a loose string that had appeared out of nowhere. Her face turned hot and she didn’t know what to say. She knew Tonya was right. She would have thought the same thing.

  “You’re right,” she finally admitted. “I’m sorry I scared you. I would have thought and done the same as you. Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, but you’re welcome. You know I love you. You’re more of a sister to me than if I had one. It would kill me to lose you.”

  Sam started to cry and said she was sorry again. Tonya pulled her into her arms and held her. They held on until her tears stopped and looked at each other.

  “So, what now? When I’m down here and however long I’m here what’s going to happen next?”

  Tonya shrugged and said, “I don’t have everything figured out. All I know is I was praying hard for you and I felt like God was pulling on my heart in a big way. I didn’t tell you, but the night before I flew up there to get you I had a dream about it. When I woke up I knew what I had to do so I called my uncle and told him I needed a couple days off for an emergency.”

  “I know one thing at least.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I needed to get out of that apartment. I think that was the hardest part. Being there with all the things in it reminding me of Chris. You know I could still smell his scent in some of his clothes. His body wash and shaving cream and everything is still in the bathroom. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any of it.”

  “Then it’s good that you didn’t fight about coming home with me. I think I could have taken you though,” Tonya joked with her and jabbed her in her arm.

  They laughed and it felt good. It was the first real laugh, other than on the plane with the baby, that she had in a long time.

  “I have an idea. Since I am the manager of the res
taurant and I am a little shorthanded right now, why don’t you come and work with me for a while? You know, just to get out of your head some and make a little cash while you’re at it.”

  Sam thought about it for a second and nodded her head. “I like it. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Plus, I’ll be in my own environment, so to speak, once I learn where everything is and all. Thank you.”

  “No problem. Thank you. My uncle won’t have a problem with you there at all. He’ll love you and so will the staff.”

  The pizza guy knocked on their door and they sat at the table and ate like pigs. They stuffed themselves until they could burst then crashed back on the couch. After a while Sam texted her mother and Junior to let them know they were there. They both showered and decided to go to bed early. They had an early day ahead of them. Sam was anxious but she knew with it being the first time in a kitchen, it would be very tiring.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sam didn’t try to work every day that first week, but she fell right into place with ease. She didn’t want to overwhelm herself from the start. The hardest part was remembering where everything was. Once she managed to do that it was like home sweet home. She moved around that kitchen as if she truly belonged there, and in her heart, she knew she did.

  The staff liked her and Tonya’s uncle seemed to adore her. He was constantly making her laugh about something. She had the feeling he was doing it on purpose to make her feel at home and possibly not think about her problems too much. He was a huge help.