Return to Cedar Hill

by Jacie Middlemann

  Flipping the phone open she immediately lowered the volume to nil, not that anyone would be calling at this hour. She glanced at the wall clock, three-forty five in the morning...but you never knew. She fiddled around with the controls, figuring out how to get to the call history, and once there she slowly scrolled through.

  Her focus was family members but as she slowly went through the many calls Casey had ignored she saw many of the names were those of people her cousin worked with or for. It wasn't a big jump to assume Casey had left many of her co-workers and superiors pulling their hair out. For just a moment she almost wished she had a TV. She found a couple of calls from Casey's brothers including one that shocked her. She wondered what Casey would think when she saw it.

  Thoughtfully she turned Casey's phone off and set it back on the table. It took her only a few short moments to consider her options and ultimately decide what to do. There was no real choice. If it had been one of her brothers who had suddenly gone missing she'd be crazy with worry until she knew they were okay. Turning in her chair she reached for the phone sitting on the counter, dialed the number from memory and waited for her cousin to answer. She didn't have long to wait and started talking before he had a chance to.

  "Jake. It's Mary. I just heard from Casey and she's okay." She hated fibbing but Casey had come here to hibernate. It was up to her when she wanted her family or anyone else for that matter to know where she was.

  "Do you know how many people from that damn job of hers have called here today? My phone hasn't stopped ringing. I half expected this to be one of those idiots."

  "Well," Mary tried hard not to laugh, his gruff demeanor was normal and accepted by all who loved him. "It's not like we all know how you feel about her job."

  Jake ran his hand through his hair in frustration. It had been a long day, worrying about his sister hadn't made it better. "Is she okay?"

  "She sounded tired and definitely didn't sound like she wanted to talk to anyone from work." Then held her breath hoping his concern didn't include where his sister might be.

  "Big surprise." He wondered how much Mary knew that she wasn't telling him. Those two had been thick as thieves almost since one could recognize the other. The very fact she was calling instead of his sister told him more than she realized. Whatever was going on wasn't good. "Will you tell her to call me next time you talk to her."

  "I will, Jake." She paused, "Come visit sometime."

  "Did you finally buy it?" He didn't blink at the change in subject.

  "I did."

  He thought about it. "I might." He sat up and leaned toward the base of the phone. "Tell her to call me."

  Mary heard the click that announced the end of the call. She looked at the phone and wondered what it was with men that they couldn't conduct or end a phone call like everyone else.

  

  Casey felt the sunlight warm on her face but let the remnants of sleep linger, snuggled deeper into the pillow unwilling yet to open her eyes and face the day. She knew where she was. It had come to her in those moments between the misty fog of dreams and the sudden awareness of reality waking brought.

  If the memory of her arrival the night before hadn't reminded her where she was she had only to open her eyes. How could it be the same after all these years, she wondered, snuggling even further into the pillow unwilling to let it go too soon. Not anything Mary had spread around the house could elicit these feelings that time had stood still. And Lord only knew she was famous for sticking sachets of this and that in drawers, closets, and just about anywhere else. The effect often stretched far beyond its immediate location. No, it wasn't Mary's doing, she decided. This was either her imagination on overdrive or truly the scent of the house Nanno had made into a home for all those she loved that lingered even after all these years. She was going with the latter simply because it felt right and brought her closer in that moment to the woman she still so sorely missed.

  She knew many doctors and scientists scoffed at such notions pointing instead to countless reams of research and documentation. They even had terms for it. Various forms of emotional manifestation seemed to be among their favorites. But she, despite her vast and glorified education and years of exposure to the worst society could offer up, she believed pieces of those you loved and lost remained behind. She didn't know why, had no clue how, but was and would always be grateful for it. Even now as she drew in a steady breath, it was there, the essence of her grandmother's scent still lived here. Love did live on. Casey believed that with all her heart. And in this house, ingrained deeply within these walls their memories would forever be touched by Nanno through the smells and scents forever linked to her in their hearts.

  As comforting as those deep and personal thoughts made her, they didn't bring her any closer to opening her eyes. She'd barely noticed the room the night before other than how much it was as it had always been, in her childhood and in all the memories since. She could hear the traffic outside, not the freeway sounds that she woke to in her D.C. condo, but the small town here and there traffic that brought comfort rather than irritation and resigned annoyance.

  Part of her still couldn't believe Mary had actually bought the place. She had talked about it for years, played with the idea to the point that everyone knew it was on her bucket list. Just as everyone knew, or thought they did, nothing would come of it. How many things on anyone's list was a wish that never came true but felt good just for having it there. As she'd driven through Burlington last night, very late last night, she had seen only pockets of the city but even that little bit had brought back memories of all the times spent here up until her teenage years. She had felt an enormous grief unlike anything she had ever dealt with at her grandmother's sudden death. It had only been months later she finally understood that the overwhelming sorrow had been not only for the absence of her constancy in their lives but the unforeseen changes in life that came with it. Burlington and her grandmother's house had been the meeting place of the huge extended family she and all her cousins had grown up with. After her death and the sale of her home that gathering place no longer existed. Without her cohesive role in the family structure the family gatherings at the holidays ceased to take place. Casey grieved for that loss in some ways as deeply as she did the loss of her grandmother. Not only did she no longer have her grandmother to go to neither did she have her numerous cousins, aunts, and uncles to turn to as well.

  Shifting over in the bed towards the wall and if her memory of the night before was accurate the window on that wall should be just about at eye level. Slowly, ever so slowly, she allowed her eyes to drift open. Her vision, still blurry from the countless hours and miles on the road the day before, took longer to focus, from exhaustion, from trepidation...and just plain fear. She was dead-on with the window. The lacy curtains allowed her to see the alley beyond. And beyond the alley she could see yet another piece of her history. How did Mary live here steeped in the memories this would bring? She sighed. Probably just as her grandmother had before her. It had been her mother's generation who hadn't been able to stay here. Her mother's generation who couldn't wait to get away...and only then felt the desperate need to return.

  Taking another deep breath, she turned over to face the room and the ghosts it held. Mary had placed the furniture similar to how it had been though she hadn't crammed it full of furniture like Nanno had which wasn't difficult considering the room's doll-size dimensions.

  For a moment she allowed the memories free rein and they quickly flowed forth to overlay reality. And Casey again saw the room exactly as it had been. Heavy dark curtains on the windows to keep out the cold of winter and the hot summer sun. Beds pushed up against each of the long walls with barely enough room to walk between them. Then again who had bothered when they could bounce their way across the room on those fine sagging mattresses. For that matter they'd spent quite a bit of time bouncing back and forth from one bed to the other for no reason at all other than the simple of joy of it.


  The huge wood dresser in the far corner of the room at the end of the bed along that wall had been the perfect jumping off place onto the beds when boredom peaked. And how many times had they dug through the drawers in secret, gasping in surprise at the pretty scarves and old intricately embroidered hankies. Probably valuable antiques even then, if not in monetary terms, certainly in sentiment. They had tied them around their heads like fools, giggling at the fun of it. Shifting her gaze to the other end of the room she wondered if the closet could have ever been as stuffed full of treasures as it had when her grandmother lived.

  Nanno. Dear fun loving Nanno who simply never threw anything away. She had sat in that closet along with Mary and Carrie with nothing but a flashlight for light, looking through boxes, vanity cases, and whatever else looked to be forbidden. She shook her head, saw the room as it was, and wished desperately for just one more moment for what would never be again.

  But none of that was why she'd come here. She came to get away from the temptation of what she could simply not return to. Not be a part of. Not in any way. She laid her head back on the short stack of pillows, stared out the back window to the house where her mother had lived for most of her entire childhood. It had stood during her own childhood, still stood, separate but so close. Wasn't that how she felt for longer than she cared to admit. Part of the whole but slowly separating from the center. What was that saying…the center must hold.

  While she had for all appearances been part of it, had done her job, filled the place in the whole, her inner center had been crumbling. She may not have acknowledged it in any outward way but something inside of her had. How often in the last couple of months had she begged off from late night gatherings, walked past the huddled discussions with a wave and a smile. Her co-workers had likely assumed she was doing whatever she could to keep her place in the scheme of things. Always keeping one foot on the next rung of the almighty corporate ladder with her eyes at her back always watching...always waiting for the person behind her waiting to knock her off. At one time that was exactly what her intent was. What her entire life revolved around.

  But what if she tripped and stumbled? What then. At one point in her career that had been her greatest fear and everything she did was focused on making sure it never happened. In the last year she'd begun to wonder about who would be there to pick her up if the worst came to pass. Her family would be there. Of that there was no doubt. Had never been a doubt. But would there be anyone else? Or would they all be so intent...rushing to fill her space and in the stampede would she be trampled...would anyone stop to help her up? Increasingly over the course of the last year she'd been forced to acknowledge and accept few if any would stop. Fewer would extend their hand. None would help her back to where she'd stood.

  Sighing at what she knew couldn't be changed she went back in her mind to the day before. The morning meeting that always took place before her show had been no different than many. Facts seemed more and more to edge into sly jokes, the occasional crass innuendo, and how to spin it all together. The senator had stumbled and stumbled big. A part of her understood even agreed with the initial coverage of the scandal. If he couldn't control himself and was severely lacking in the moral standards those who had voted him into office expected…deserved to know. The voters deserved to have that information in the far reaching event he should actually choose to run for office again. She had seen it happen before and no doubt it would happen again. But wall-to-wall frenzied coverage of a scandal fraught with tabloid style gossip wasn't national news. Not in her mind. At least it didn't used to be.

  But things were different now. Of that she had no doubt. It hadn't happened overnight. But it had happened nonetheless. She looked up at the ceiling wondering how she had allowed herself to be part of it for as long as she had. God, she thought, was that the same paper on the ceiling? She had stared at the ceiling in this room enough during her childhood summers and over school holidays, whether she'd been sent to bed early or simply retreated to this room, this bed, when there was nothing else to do. She'd laid there imagining all that she would do, all that she would be when she grew up. She looked closer. It was the same paper, she realized and wondered if Mary had as well. Then laughed abruptly as she shook her head back and forth for being silly and obtuse. Of course she had.

  Casey sat up in the bed and dragged her eyes and thoughts away from childhood memories. She needed to think about where she had come from not where she'd come to. And she had to make some decisions about her future and then and only then she could take the time and luxury of exploring her past.

  Punching the pillow under her head unnecessarily to plump it up, she could almost pin-point the exact moment it had all hit her. When the wall she had so artfully built and fortified against dealing with what her life had evolved into had crumbled just enough so that she could no longer ignore it. Jack, another anchor at the network and the one most likely to have taken her shift when they'd realized she was missing, had made a snide assumption as to the senator's reasoning for his affair with a woman less than half his age. And if she was honest with herself, as she was desperately trying to be, his had been a fairly accurate guess and as good as anything else when a man slept with his son's girlfriend in the very bed he’d shared with his wife of thirty plus years. But that said, what had hit her so hard so as to breech her protective barriers was she knew for a fact that Jack regularly had lunch with the senator. Their wives were known to be good friends. And the two couples had gone on vacations together more than once. She had assumed they were friends. Maybe not the best of friends but friends nonetheless. She had foolishly assumed that Jack valued that friendship. But in that moment during the meeting she'd had to face the very real possibility he'd only cultivated the relationship for professional reasons. A source. It was all about having sources of information and protecting them from others who wanted them every bit as much. Or more.

  She had believed in her co-workers, people she spent the majority of her waking hours with. It had been with a heartbreaking sadness she'd had to realize the truth of it and of just how naive she had been. And it had taken only that single moment in time. That simple statement made by one person about another that had hit her. Made her face what she had willingly ignored for longer than she cared to admit to herself or anyone else. It was a business. She'd always known that...understood it. But now she had to face that at least for some it was a business where friends were every bit the commodity as the paper that paid for the lunch shared between the two. And with that she had to face the real issue. How many so called friends did she really have? And to how many of them was she little more than a commodity that would be passed by if she were to lose her balance and fall.

  She watched a small dog run down the alley, scurry under a fence scattering dirt as it went. She and her cousins used to run down the same alley and climb over fences. Sometimes just for the sake of doing it especially if they'd been told not to. She'd give almost anything for life to be that simple again. She wanted to find that person again who had climbed over obstacles instead of folding before them.

  Even now she had to decide what to do about her job. If she still had one she thought idly but without any real concern. It's not like she could claim a death in the family or a debilitating illness to explain her actions. Nor did she care to. It was way beyond time to make excuses. She watched the dog push its way back under the fence empty-handed. Whatever the dog had been after hadn't been found but the peppy little pup continued its jaunt on down the alley as if it didn't have a worry in the world. Whatever the reason, she had walked away much the same way, empty-handed. Did she really want to go back? With a calm that would surprise her later she went looking for her phone.

  

  CHAPTER SIX

  "Do you feel any better?" Mary had overheard parts of the conversation her cousin had just completed. The expression on her face when she'd come back into the kitchen was improved from the night before. If she were to put a finger on the key
reason it would be the keen sense of relief that was overtly obvious in both her mood and appetite.

  "I feel...like I just emptied out my pockets of a whole lot of heavy change and traded them in for bills."

  "All those coins can weigh you down."

  "And then some." Casey hadn't realized just how much she had needed to make this break.

  "It sounded an awful lot like they weren't ready to let you go." Mary had quietly played with the idea of calling her lawyer husband if the conversation hadn't ended well.

  "Maybe," she allowed, thinking about it. "I have a contract but it runs out in a couple of months. They could make a deal of it if they wanted but I've got vacation time I haven't taken for years, sick time I don't think I've ever taken, and the bottom line is quite simply that they've got someone who would love my spot in the lineup and I'd bet big bucks is being pretty vocal about it." Casey twirled her phone around with her fingers like a miniature baton. "It was nice to hear it and part of me believes they mean it," she sighed with a mix of relief and weariness, she did feel better, a little bit scared, but better. "But in the end it's all about the numbers," she sighed again, deeply this time feeling really good she didn't have to worry about those numbers anymore. At Mary's questioning look she explained. "Dollars, viewership numbers, ratios of this and ratios of that and everything in between. I don't think they're happy I'm gone but they're not crying over it either. I imagine my potential replacement has posed the possibility this is the perfect opportunity to try for better ratings." She had a sudden thought and barely stifled a laugh that ended up coming out sounding like an inelegant snort instead. "Of course, they didn't even bother to ask me if I was going to the competition. Which if I was they would have a huge problem with if nothing else just on principle alone. And since they didn't bother to ask I imagine that would mean they spent as much time trying to find out about that as they did trying to find me." She leaned back feeling really good about life for a change. "Idiots."