Come Alive

by Madelynne Ellis

  ‘Along there on the left, beside the bathroom. I thought you and Dani could have the double and Ash and Ginny can have the twin room as he’s still recuperating.’

  Bless Spook for not bundling Luthor in with them.

  ‘And where am I?’ Rock Giant asked.

  ‘I thought you and Luthor could pair up and share the Little House.’

  ‘The Little House – what is that, a separate building?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Fan-fucking-tastic,’ Paul replied, punching a fist into the air. ‘It means for possibly the first time ever I won’t have to listen to groans and humping as I attempt to drop off. Grab your bag, roomie.’ He mock-punched Luthor in the shoulder, failing to notice Luthor’s distinct lack of enthusiasm for the arrangement. ‘You’d better not snore.’

  ‘You do snore,’ Luthor complained, rubbing his arm. ‘I’ve heard you.’ He cast Xane a wan look. Clearly he’d hoped to be, if not sharing a room with his lover, then at least just across the hall. Staying in a building that was some distance away from the main house wasn’t going to make sexy night-time shenanigans quite so easy to arrange.

  Dani pinched herself to counter the sudden elation she felt. She didn’t want to make things awkward, but some distance seemed like a good thing.

  ‘It’s this way.’ Spook led Rock Giant and Luthor out of a door on the opposite side of the house from where they’d entered. ‘Get yourselves settled in. If you need anything, give me a shout when I get back. My room is upstairs off the mezzanine.’

  Only when they’d gone did Dani wonder where Elspeth would sleep once she arrived. Perhaps there was more than one outbuilding, but then why make Luthor and Rock Giant share?

  Xane grabbed her suitcase along with his own bag and they set off to locate their room. It was bright and airy, with windows on both exterior walls. The smell of pine wood drifted in through one that was latched slightly ajar.

  Dani set about unpacking her clothes into the chest of drawers immediately, while Xane dropped his bag under the nearest window and then sagged into the driftwood throne occupying the far corner.

  ‘I ought to be cross with you,’ Dani said as she worked, placing T-shirts and smalls into the top drawer, which was large enough that she could probably have fitted the whole suitcase in. ‘You were kissing him. You’re only supposed to do that when I’m there.’

  ‘You were there.’

  She could hear the confusion in his voice. Spook had been right. Xane had been so lost in Luthor that he hadn’t noticed she was no longer around.

  ‘Actually, I went ahead with Spook. I only saw you because Rock Giant happened to open the door. Otherwise …’ She shook her head.

  She heard him rise from the chair and the patter of his feet on the floor. His arms came around her from behind. ‘In which case, I’m sorry. We were just saying hello.’

  ‘I know that.’ Of course she understood. Lovers greeted one another with kisses. She and Xane did it often every day. If one of them left the room and then came back, it sometimes called for a hello kiss. It was reassuring. It made her feel wanted in exactly the same way as feeling him rub his early-morning wood against her arse did when they were snuggled together like spoons. It was just slightly unsettling facing the reality of Xane having someone else he wanted to share that sort of relationship with.

  He must have sensed her agitation. ‘You’re regretting ever agreeing to this, aren’t you?’

  ‘I’ve some concerns, and I’m nervous about him. I don’t want this to mean the end of us.’ She turned around within his embrace to face him.

  ‘It won’t be, Dani. Please, don’t get wound up by it.’

  ‘It’s not something I can switch on and off. It’s awkward. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to behave. I feel as if everyone’s watching me, expecting me to react.’

  ‘They’re not watching you.’

  ‘Of course they are, Xane. They’re worried that if it all goes to pieces it’ll mean the end of the band. What happened between you, Elspeth and Steve is still very much on their minds. It’s not been that long.’

  ‘Yes, but our relationship bears no resemblance to that one: different attractions, different people with very different personalities. There’s nothing toxic about what we have.’

  She nodded, wanting to agree, but still all too aware of the butterflies beating in her stomach.

  He fell silent a moment as he observed her with an unusual level of intensity. ‘I know we agreed that Luthor and I wouldn’t get intimate unless you were there, but do you really mean that I can’t kiss him if you’re not present? Would it not make more sense to say no sex?’

  ‘With you one inevitably leads to the other.’

  He frowned in a way that painted shadows across his irises. You don’t trust me, the look screamed.

  Dani turned back to the task of sorting her possessions.

  ‘Did you have anything to do with the bedroom arrangements?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It might have been less awkward if we’d all been together.’

  ‘No.’ She stopped, and curled her fingers around the edge of the open drawer. ‘It would have been nightmarish. I’m giving this a chance, Xane. I’m doing it for you, but please don’t make it all so fast that I end up with my head spinning. My world is topsy-turvy enough, what with all the drama of the band, my mum, and the media interest in us. I love you, I want you to be happy, but …’

  No amount of words was going to make him understand. She slipped out of his immediate reach, needing the space in which to straighten her thoughts. When she’d agreed to try this, back in Halmstad, things had seemed simpler somehow. Time apart had given rise to awkwardness. And she was acutely aware of what Xane wanted. If there were no barriers in place between him and Luthor, he’d have dragged him in here five minutes ago and they’d have been furiously screwing on the bed right now. What he really wanted from her now was permission to do that. Well, she wasn’t ready to see him bollocks deep inside Luthor just yet. She hated the way the simple thought of seeing them thus entwined filled her skin with a sort of irritating electrical charge. Looking down at her bare arms, she could see all the tiny hairs standing on end.

  ‘Are you saying you won’t allow him into our bed tonight?’

  Dani folded her arms across her front and hugged herself. ‘Can’t we get settled in first?’

  ‘Answer the question, Dani.’

  ‘Why does he have to sleep with us?’

  ‘How else would you like me to arrange things? I was trying to make things less awkward. I don’t really want to go the route of having to book a time slot for sharing some intimacy with him.’

  She had no answer to that.

  ‘Dani?’

  She paced, while gnawing on her thumbnail. This was just wrong and awkward and she wanted to hide from it, bury her head and pretend her boyfriend wasn’t bisexual and involved with another man. The option of saying, ‘Do as you please, shag him when you want as long as I don’t know about it,’ burned bright in her thoughts for a moment. It wasn’t a solution that was ever going to work. All it would mean was that whenever Xane was away from her she’d be imagining what he and Luthor were doing. Her thoughts would be riddled with imaginary conversations where they swore undying love to one another and laughed at how stupid she was.

  ‘Can we just sleep here together tonight? Maybe another time. You said we could take this at my pace.’

  His disappointment was unmistakable.

  ‘I’m sorry, Xane.’

  ‘It’s OK. I guess you need time. I just thought that after last time you were fine with this.’

  She was the very opposite of fine with it. The whole issue scared and confused her. When Xane and Luthor had been entwined in front of her, it had all seemed incredibly simple. She’d even been aroused by them. Excited enough, in fact, that she’d joined in. She’d sucked Xane while Luthor was kissing him, and then allowed Xane to go down on her while Luthor was inside him. But
with every minute that passed, her doubts about the episode increased.

  She thought about Luthor and felt both hot and cold.

  Irritably, she brushed Xane away, while mentally scouring her thoughts of Luthor’s tight white butt.

  She didn’t want to feel turned on by him. She didn’t want anyone but Xane.

  ‘I need a shower,’ she announced. It was psychosomatic, she knew it, but her skin felt grubby. Soapsuds wouldn’t make her clean, but she might find some perspective while standing under the shower spray. If she’d learned one thing living on a tour bus with numerous grown men, it was that you could always find peace in the bathroom.

  Xane pulled his T-shirt over his head, making her think he intended to join her. Dani stared at his ink and his nipple rings, wondering how to tactfully explain she needed to be alone. Luckily, it wasn’t necessary. He grabbed his bag and rooted through it until he found a clean shirt, which he tugged on. ‘The tag in the back of that one has been driving me mad for hours,’ he explained. ‘It’s scratchy.’

  Dani nodded dumbly at him.

  ‘If you’re going in the shower, is it OK if I find Spook and check out the recording studio?’ He drew a dog-eared notebook out of the side pocket of his bag. Dani recognised it as his lyrics book.

  ‘Sure.’

  If he was with Spook she wouldn’t have to worry about him being tempted by Luthor.

  ‘If I know Spook there’s probably about fifty different bath products next door for you to try out.’ He gave her a quick hug and kiss, and departed leaving behind the scent of fresh linen.

  Chapter 4

  Xane pottered around in the kitchen and made a sandwich before making any pretence of looking for Spook. He’d been here before, when Spook was viewing the property with a view to purchasing it. The layout was relatively simple: main house, with not very many rooms, and a few outbuildings – one for guests, a strange folly-like building by the water’s edge that purportedly now housed the studio, and the all-important Swedish lifestyle essential, a sauna and communal shower shack. To be fair, the latter building had a lot of potential for anyone with a fetish for shower sex or even water sports. He didn’t think the latter rocked Spook’s boat, but who knew, his friend certainly had a taste for S&M. Admittedly, he didn’t indulge it, but that might not always be the case. And Spook was nothing if not prepared for every eventuality.

  Despite the lateness of the hour the sun was still shining when Xane stepped outside. Spook’s lawn was manicured to within an inch of its life; hardly a surprise given how much of a neat freak he was. Xane wandered down to the water’s edge and watched the gentle waves breaking over the rocks. Three weeks ago, when he’d stepped onto the stage in Karlstad and heard Luthor first drum out the beat of one of their songs on Steve’s old drumkit, he’d believed everything was finally going to be all right. Two hours later, Ash had nose-dived off the ego-riser, and he’d been nearly drowned by their psychotic temporary drummer, but at least his relationship woes had been sorted. Now he wasn’t so sure about that. He recognised cold feet when he saw them, and Dani’s were currently icy.

  Damn, he’d been seriously looking forward to spending some quality time with Luthor, but he wasn’t about to break his promises to Dani. He guessed that’s why he was here, down by the water’s edge, and not over at the Little House.

  Whatever time he spent with Luthor at present wouldn’t be quality time, only a lesson in frustration.

  The whirr of a motor interrupted the silence by the shore. Xane raised his hand to shield his gaze as he peered up at the sky. A chopper emerged from behind the treetops to the rear of Spook’s property. The wind from the blades buffeted his skin as the helicopter settled down in the middle of the lawn. Ash, he realised, as two figures, one male and one female, emerged from the noisy beast’s belly, the woman single-mindedly carrying both rucksacks despite the obvious entreaties of the man. Heads ducked, the two of them scurried towards the building before turning to watch the helicopter depart.

  ‘Hey, down here.’ Xane waved both hands at them.

  Ash waved back and headed towards him, despite an exasperated entreaty from Ginny to come into the house.

  They met on a stretch of paved terracing that Xane realised was an elaborate sundial. ‘Ash, it’s fucking good to see you, man.’ He wrapped his arms around his favourite lead guitarist, before holding him at arm’s length to get a good look at him. Ash wasn’t quite his perky, handsome self. His skin still had a waxy pallor, and deep lines were etched beneath his eyes, but he was smiling and there was no glaze to his vision.

  ‘Bloody peachy. How about you?’

  ‘Same old. Gorgeous, melancholy and sexually frustrated.’

  ‘Tell me about it. I’ve been stuck in a hospital bed for forever, and while they’re happy to hold a pot up for you to piss in, they draw a line at helping you masturbate. Apparently having blue balls isn’t considered life-threatening.’

  Xane grimaced. Blue balls sounded pretty terrible to him.

  Ginny joined them on the plateau. ‘Xane. Hi.’ She accepted his welcoming hug. ‘Ash, come inside. You need to sit down.’

  ‘I don’t need to fucking sit down. I’ve done nothing but sit down. Standing up isn’t going to kill me, Ginny. You go in. I’m sure Spook will tell you where to shove the bags. I’ll follow in a bit.’

  He waved Ginny away. She scowled, but went.

  ‘Stroll?’ Xane suggested.

  Ash nodded. ‘Love to. She’s driving me insane. She’s worse than the nurses for mollycoddling me. I like being fawned over as much as the next man, but I’m not a frigging invalid.’

  ‘She’s just concerned. You had us all worried.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Ash sniffed and looked away into the distance.

  Xane took the hint. What had happened had happened, and they didn’t need to go over it, or dwell on the fact that it had screwed him six ways to Sunday. They just needed to move on.

  ‘Have you got some new lyrics for us to work on?’

  Xane retrieved his rolled-up notebook from his back pocket. ‘I’ve a couple of things. Some fine tuning’s still required, and I’ve a couple of chords for a few potential tracks but nothing completed. We’ve time though. It’ll happen.’

  ‘Obviously you’ve not been screwing enough, or is it you’ve been humping too much? How’s Dani coping with you making her part of a triad?’

  He mumbled something non-committal but generally affirmative. Ash didn’t want to dwell on his injuries, and Xane didn’t want to dissect his relationship. ‘I was on my way to check out the studio. Want to join me?’

  ‘Are the rest of the gang going to be there?’

  ‘Not as far as I know. I assume they’re all still unpacking. We’re not long arrived ourselves, and Elspeth isn’t here at all.’

  ‘We nearly weren’t here either. Someone obviously let slip where we were taking off from. There were fans on the launch pad. Four storeys up, security crawling all over the place and there are bodies literally jumping to grab hold of the bottom of the chopper.’

  ‘That’s nuts.’

  ‘People are nuts.’

  ‘At least you’re here in one piece.’ Not only that, Ash sounded better. The last time they’d spoken, Xane had barely been able to understand one word in ten, Ash had been slurring and jumbling his words so badly.

  ‘Wherever the fuck here happens to be. I thought Sweden was supposed to be cold and snow-covered. As far as I can tell it’s predominantly lake.’

  ‘We’re a fraction west of Stockholm and a teeny bit further south.’

  ‘You’re assuming I could locate Stockholm on a map. I hear city names. I get on and off planes and in and out of buses. I don’t pay attention to where any of the places we perform are in relation to one another.’

  That was true; geography had never been Ash’s subject of choice. Although it was foolish to imagine he was thick. The guy had a double first in history and philosophy from a world-class university.

&
nbsp; ‘Where’s this studio of Spook’s then?’

  ‘This way, I think, on the other side of these bushes. It’s right on the water’s edge. The lower floor floods on a regular basis, which is apparently a design feature, at least according to the estate agent.’ He raised his hands to convey his perplexity over that one. ‘Spook’s converted the upper storey.’

  ‘Shit ton of expensive electrical equipment installed over a swimming pool, that’s totally where I’d have installed it too.’ Ash rolled his eyes. ‘Why do I suspect it’s actually an elaborate method of containing us so that we work our butts off?’

  ‘It’s a pretty prison,’ Xane announced, for they’d reached the octagonal architectural folly. ‘Now, if I remember correctly –’ he leaped across a couple of stepping stones, getting the soles of his shoes wet, to reach the external double doors ‘– the inside is something of a spectacle.’

  The reality, it turned out, was less garish than he remembered. Perhaps the lack of furnishings allowed the detailed mosaics to stand on their own. Ash didn’t seem to notice the winking mermaids and pincer-waving crabs. He headed straight for the metal staircase and followed the spiral to the upper storey. Xane quickly caught up. He didn’t know quite what he’d expected to find upstairs, but Spook or whoever he’d hired to refurbish the place and install the equipment had done a spectacular job. What had been a very dull guestroom was now an industry-standard sound studio, complete with top-of-the-range equipment and a separate soundproof recording booth that would also double nicely as a rehearsal space. Not only that, there was enough seating that no one was going to be left perching on the arm of a chair or sitting on the floor in a corner.

  The designer had even had the presence of mind to include a WC in the plans, so they wouldn’t lose precious moments trekking back and forth to the main house, or pissing in the lake.