Graverobbers Wanted: No Experience Necessary am-1

by Jeff Strand

  “Pretty sure.”

  “Any idea who?”

  I shook my head. “That’s why I need you. Do you know them all pretty well?”

  “Sure. I mean, I don’t consider them a second family or anything, but we know each other fairly well. At least I thought we did. I certainly didn’t think any of them could be a murderer, especially not as sadistic as the way you described.”

  “We need to be careful, because I don’t know what kind of resources the killer has,” I said.

  “I’m sure he hasn’t had a chance to put a bug on me or anything since my last complete change of clothes, but there’s a good chance that more people are helping him, and they could be watching.”

  “You think it’s a he?”

  “No, it’s just too hard to carry on a conversation and worry about being gender neutral. Anyway, that would only eliminate Linda.”

  “Or me.”

  “Well, I sort of already eliminated you, thus this whole conversation.”

  “And why is that?”

  I shrugged. “I’m hoping it’s because I possess a remarkable sense of character, and not that I’m a complete idiot.”

  “So what do you want to ask me?”

  “For starters, who in Ghoulish Delights was closest to Jennifer, personally? I’m thinking maybe a lover.”

  “Jeez, I don’t think I can help you with that one, either. I’ve never noticed that any of us were all that close to her. I wouldn’t put it past her to have cheated on Mike, but I can’t imagine it being with anyone at work. Dominick, maybe, but he and Linda are pretty serious. I don’t think Carl’s even kissed a girl yet, and who could be attracted to Farley?”

  “No one in any universe I’ve ever inhabited,” I admitted. “Do they all own computers?”

  “I don’t know. Carl and Farley definitely do. I think Linda does, but I can’t say for sure. I’msorry, I’m not being much help, am I?”

  “Sure you are. Another question…does anyone in the group own a bow and arrow?Maybe a crossbow?”

  “Yeah, Dominick does. He has an amazing collection of weaponry from what I hear, all kinds of stuff. But he also has a bunch of stuff that he leaves in theoffice, that anyone could have taken.”

  The Mad Archer hadn’t really demonstrated any out-of-the-ordinary skill, so this knowledge didn’t help much. “The guy I sort of scared to death last night, The Apparition, do you know him? Your name was in his address book.”

  “I don’t know anyone socially by the name of The Apparition, but describe him.”

  “Old guy.Big white beard.Sort of a weird facial bone structure, a little off-center.”

  “That’s Jake!” Rachel exclaimed. “We hired him right when we started Ghoulish Delights, but Mike fired him. I don’t think he even lasted a week. I’d forgotten all about him. You say he had my address?”

  I nodded.“Everyone else’s, too. I need to know, have you ever gotten the impression that Ghoulish Delights is more than the part that you’re familiar with? Because I think it’s a cover for something a lot more profitable, and a lot more demented.”

  “The snuff video, right?I know I sound like I have no observational powers whatsoever, but if the Ghoulish Delights I know is a cover for a snuff film operation, I had absolutely no idea. How many tapes did you say there were?”

  “I didn’t. I’ve got the one I found in the coffin, and the killer said he’d give me another one today. But from Jennifer’s introduction it sounded like part of a series. You’ve got the real-life murder part, and the fancy introduction…it’s either a nice little treat for some depraved clients, or just a creepy way that Michael and Jennifer entertained themselves.”

  “If he even knew about it.So far you only have proof that Jennifer was involved.”

  “You’re right. Andhim finding out about it could have been what started this whole���”

  I stopped talking as I saw Roger crutch his way into the weight room. “Hey, our story is paying us a visit,” he announced, as he was followed by Dominick and Linda. Neither of them appeared happy; Dominick furious, Linda distraught.

  I glanced quickly at Rachel, who was looking a bit panicky. I hoped to God she wouldn’t blow the whole deal.

  Chapter 15

  “DO YOU mind telling me who you really are?” Dominick demanded, taking long, purposeful strides toward me.

  “You must’ve talked to Carl or Farley,” I said, keeping my cool.

  “You’re damn right. Farley called me last night. You’ve got a lot of nerve pretending to be a reporter when you’re just some pathetic excuse for a detective. Mike was a good friend of mine, and I can’t believe you didn’t tell us something happened to him!”

  “It’s forhis own good,” I said.

  “Oh, yeah, I’m sure. How exactly does that work?”

  “There’s a lot more to the situation that Jennifer doesn’t want me to discuss. I’m sorry, but she’s my client and I have to respect her wishes.”

  “Where is she now?”

  “That’s confidential.”

  “Screw confidential!I want to know what’s going on!”

  Dominick raised a fist as if to hit me. Linda put her hand on his shoulder to calm him, while Rachel stepped between us. “Settle down,” she said.

  “I don’t want to settle down!”

  “Settle down or I’ll do it for you.”

  “You’re sticking up for him?” asked Dominick, incredulous. “He lied to everyone! He should’ve been out there trying to find Mike instead of wasting our time withthisDearly Demented bullshit!”

  “Tell me, Dominick,” said Rachel, “are you currently a licensed private investigator?”

  “What? No.”

  “Well, our friend Andrew here is.Which means he knows what he’s doing. “

  Less true words were never spoken, but I certainly didn’t jump in and correct her.

  “So, if we want to increase our chances of ever seeing Mike again, we’re going to have to trust him. Does that make sense to you?”

  Dominick still looked like he wanted to squish my head between a pair of barbells, but he gave the faintest of nods and stepped back. Linda breathed a sigh of relief and took him by the hand.

  “What’s your next step?” asked Dominick.

  “I’m currently following up on several leads,” I said.

  “Like what?”

  “They’re confidential.”

  “Don’t give me that! I want to know what you’re doing to find my friend. What are the police doing?”

  “They’re looking into it,” I said. “But Jennifer wants this all kept as quiet as possible.”

  “Why?”

  “She just does.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense! Unless she was involved in his disappearance, why would she want it kept quiet? Does she think there’s going to be a scandal or something? I’m sorry, but I’m really confused here.”

  “Sweetie, relax,” said Linda, patting his elbow with her free hand. “They’re doing what they can.”

  “I’m not sure I believe that.”

  Rachel spoke up. “Dominick, I know you’re upset. We all are. But I have every confidence that Andrew is doing everything possible to bring Mike back to us.” Her voice cracked on the last few words.

  I felt like a total cretin for standing here trying to boost Dominick and Linda’s hopes when I knew full well that Michael wasn’t coming back, but what choice did I have?

  “I promise I’ll let you know as soon as I find out something,” I assured him.

  “You said you already have a few leads. That’s considered finding out something. Why not share those?” asked Dominick.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” said Rachel.“Linda, could you please take your boyfriend home and find a way to relax him?”

  “C’mon, sweetie, let’s go.” Linda started to lead Dominick toward the doorway. “If there’s anything we can do to help, please call us. Are we still on for the taping today?”

&n
bsp; Rachel glanced at me, and I gave her a light nod. “Yeah,” she said. “I’ll call Carl and Farley to make sure they know it hasn’t been cancelled.”

  “Okay, see you then.” Linda and Dominick left.

  “So when do we tell them?” asked Rachel.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what the killer has planned besides giving me a second tape. He said something about it being too late for him, about not being around soon. Do any of the Ghoulish Delights people have medical problems that you know about?”

  “Carl has asthma, but nothing serious.Certainly nothing terminal, at least not that they’ve said anything about. Have you checked hospital records?”

  “That was on the agenda for today. My wife’s a nurse, so I was hoping she’d be able to assist with that. Not that she can do much while stuck in bed with a broken leg, but I don’t exactly have a long list of connections.”

  Rachel thought for a long moment. “I want to help you in any way I can, but I really don’t know what else to tell you. Is there anything you want me to do?”

  I shook my head.“Nothing. Don’t go around asking questions or anything like that…I don’t want to tip off the killer that I told you. If it’s all right, I’m still coming to the taping today. Having everyone together in one place may be helpful, especially if the killer doesn’t think you know what’s going on. You might catch something that Roger and I miss.”

  “Sounds good.“She wiped a tear from her eye. “Sorry, I’m still in shock. By the way, I meant to say this earlier, but if this is a prank, I will personally break every single bone in your body.”

  “I wish this was a joke, believe me,” I said. “I’m going to head off now, because quite honestly if I don’t get a bit more sleep the killer could juggle chainsaws at the taping and I wouldn’t notice.”

  “All right.“She gave me the address and wished me luck. I gathered my offspring and we walked out of the weight room and past the front desk.

  “So, you becoming a member?” asked Hercules.

  I couldn’t come up with a single even remotely smart-ass thing to say, so I merely shook my head. This was bad. I really needed sleep.

  And as we walked outside and saw the package resting on the hood of my car, I realized that I wasn’t going to be getting any rest in the near future.

  “Someone left us a present!” Kyle exclaimed. He started to rush forward toward the colorfully-wrapped gift, which was about the size of a milk crate, but I quickly scooped him up by the waist and held him back.

  “It’s not a kid present, it’s a grown-up present,” I said, dangling him upside-down to the accompaniment of a severe giggling fit. Realizing that I probably shouldn’t be holding my son upside-down when I wasn’t in the best physical condition, I returned him to his feet.

  “How do you know?”

  “I’m smart. I know everything. Roger, go grab the present, will you?”

  I’d actually been joking, but Roger crutched his way over to the car and picked up the package. Nothing blew up and no knives shot out of the sides. We all got back in thecar, and after a quick glance around to see if I could spot somebody walking away with wrapping paper and tape tucked under their arm, we drove home.

  THE KIDS had been sent to clean their rooms, which I figured would keep them busy for the next few dozen hours. Roger and I sat on the living room couch, while the present rested on the coffee table.

  “So what do you think?” Roger asked. “It had to be either Dominick or Linda, right?”

  I shrugged. “It’s not tough to get a present on the hood of somebody’s car. Everyone could have known we were going to be there today, so Carl or Farley could just as easily have been hanging around, too. And who’s to say that The Apparition was the killer’s only hired help? I don’t think finding the present rules out anyone.”

  “Not even Rachel,” said Roger. “She could have had Mr. Muscle put it there while we were distracted.”

  “Yes, but we’re not going to discuss that.” I leaned forward and tore off the bow.“Pretty big for a video tape.”

  “Plus it’s too heavy for that to be the only thing in there.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to find a different continent to reside on while I open it?” I asked.

  “Quit yapping and do it.”

  “I don’t believe I’ve ever heard the word `yapping’ as part of your vocabulary before. Stress brings out odd things in people, I guess. I once knew this guy who got in a car accident and started to cluck like a���”

  “Do it!”

  I realized that I was babbling just to delay opening the package, so I apologized and ripped off the wrapping paper. This revealed a bare cardboard box. I used a knife I’d taken from the kitchen to slice through the tape on the lid, and raised the flaps.

  Inside it was filled with confetti.

  “Enough with the confetti,” I muttered.

  “Huh?”

  “Sorry. There was confetti involved last night.”

  “And I missed it?”

  I wasn’t about to reach inside a potentially booby-trapped box and dig around for the tape, so I lifted it from the coffee table and poured the contents out onto the floor.

  Confetti only accounted for about two inches on top. The next layer consisted of tacks.

  “Good thing you didn’t shove your face in there,” Roger noted. “I had a really serious temptation to do that, and thank God I resisted.”

  “Har-har.“Next was a layer of those packing bubbles, which I can sit and pop for hours. I pulled that out and set it aside, revealing more confetti. There were probably more tacks under there, or something worse, so I dumped it out onto the floor with the rest.

  “Damn it!” I shouted, as a quart-sized plastic sack of black ink tumbled out, landing on the tacks and splattering all over the carpet. The confetti blocked some of the ink, but not nearly enough.

  I rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a stack of towels. Using the first towel as protection, I scooped up most of the tacks, then wadded up the towel and set it aside. I pushed the next towel tightly against the carpet, soaking up as much ink as possible,then repeated the procedure with the third and fourth towels. It wasn’t wet anymore, but there was now a very large black splotch on our light gray carpet.

  “I’mgonna kill him!” I said.

  “Weren’t those Helen’s good towels?” Roger asked.

  “She’sgonna kill me!”

  I picked up the towels and dumped them in the bathtub for the time being. I needed to focus on the problem at hand, not worry about the future agony to be inflicted upon me by my spouse. I returned to the living room, sat on the ruined carpet, and looked inside the box.

  More confetti, but the corner of a videotape was sticking out. I took it out and saw a note taped to it, which I unfolded and read aloud:

  “Dearest Andrew, I hope that your hands stop hurting, or that you didn’t ruin anything expensive with the ink. I also hope that you enjoy this tape. I made it just for you. Watch carefully, because it will tell you who I am. Figure it out, and the game ends today. You get to be a hero. Have fun!”

  “That sounds kind of promising,” said Roger. “Maybe he’s not such a bad psychopath after all.”

  I inserted the tape into the VCR and pressed “play,” then sat next to Roger on the couch and turned on the television with the remote control.

  We watched snow for about thirty seconds, and then a picture appeared. It looked like a setup for a puppet show, with a colorful wooden booth upon which was painted “The Gaggles and Boo-Boo Show!”

  Cheery piano music began to play. The sound quality wasn’t very good, as if it were coming from a tape player next to the microphone.

  “Hey, kids!” said an excessively perky narrator. “Ghoulish Delights is pleased to present The Gaggles and Boo-Boo Show, starring your very best friends Gaggles and Boo-Boo!”

  I couldn’t recognize the voice for sure, but it kind of sounded like The Apparition.r />
  Two skulls popped into view from behind the stage. Each of them looked like a regular human skull, except that their teeth were filed into sharp fangs. One of them wore a cowboy hat.

  “Hi, Gaggles!“The first skull’s mouth began to move, and a comically high-pitched voice spoke for it.

  “Hi, Boo-Boo!” said the second skull, the one with the hat. It sounded sort of like GroverfromSesameStreet .

  “How are you today, Gaggles?”

  “I’m fine, Boo-Boo! What do you want to do today?”

  “I don’t know. Whatdoyou want to do today?”

  This was really a sad excuse for theatre. Their mouths didn’t even match the words, like some badly dubbed Japanese monster movie.

  “I asked you first.”

  “I asked you second.”

  “Well, Boo-Boo, why don’t we eat somebody?”

  “That’s a good idea, Gaggles! I love to eat people! Who shall we eat?”

  “I know! Let’s eat the woman tied to the bed in the next room! Won’t that be fun?”

  “That sure will! You’re my very best friend, Gaggles.”

  “And you’re my very best friend, Boo-Boo!”

  “Shall we sing the Friendship Song?”

  “Nah, fuck that. Let’s just chow down on the bitch.”

  The camera panned over to the other side of the room, where a woman in shorts and a tank top was tied to the same bed as the man in the first video. I couldn’t be positive, but I was pretty sure this was one of the women I’d seen at the end of that video. She had a blindfold over her eyes and a gag over her mouth, and struggled violently against the ropes.

  Gaggles popped up in front of the camera. “Mmmmm.Looks tasty.”

  Boo-Boo joined him.“Very tasty.”

  “What should we eat first?”

  “I’m in the mood for a drumstick.”

  The skulls dropped out of sight, and the camera moved in close to the woman’s leg. It stayed there for almost a full minute, when suddenly Boo-Boo burst into view. I could see the hand controlling him���covered with a black glove like the hand in the first video. The skull’s mouth opened wide, and then the sharpened fangs clamped down on the woman’s thigh.

  I turned down the volume several notches at the sound of her scream