Come Together

by Jessica Hawkins

  “You’ll keep me warm. Won’t you?”

  He smiled slightly and nodded. He left the bottle on the counter to take my coat from me. I let him wrap me in it, and I tied it closed as we made our way out of the apartment.

  In the car, the mood was off, and I wanted desperately to cut through the silence. “Have you had a nice week?” I asked.

  “Not particularly.”

  I didn’t want to stare at him as he drove in the dark so I focused my gaze ahead of us. “Mine was interesting. Four girls makes for an intense few days.”

  “How so?”

  “We gossiped, went out, drank, you know. It’s been a long time since I did all that without someone by my side.”

  “Someone meaning a man.”

  “I guess so. It wasn’t better, just different.”

  “I can’t begrudge you having fun with your girlfriends.”

  “It wasn’t that fun though. I missed you.”

  “Can’t say that doesn’t make me a little happy to hear.”

  I smiled. “I saw Brian, too. Just so you know.”

  “Brian?” he repeated quickly.

  “Um, Ayers,” I added.

  He shifted in his seat but didn’t respond. “How are Greg and Gretchen getting on?”

  “Really well.” I smiled.

  “Are they a good match?”

  I furrowed my brow. Yes. Does he not think so? They definitely were in college, so I hadn’t really thought twice about it. “I think so,” I said.

  “And what about us? Are we a good match?” he asked.

  I was thankful that he couldn’t see my face. The tension in the car thickened as the question hung in the air. “Of course we are,” I said softly. I continued to look at anything but him, and he was staring out the windshield. He hadn’t looked at me once since the apartment. I was relieved when we arrived at the restaurant.

  “Dylan, two,” he told the hostess and took my hand as she led us to our table. His hand over mine felt nice; warm and protective.

  It was dark outside and dim in the restaurant. I was untying my coat when David’s hands rested on my shoulders from behind. His fingers brushed the back of my neck. I paused, waiting as he seemed to hesitate. He removed the coat, handed it to the hostess and pulled out my chair for me.

  I watched him survey our surroundings as he rounded the table to his seat. Our spot was small and intimate, lit softly by a single candle. It was romantic, but my wayward mind could only think of the hard body underneath David’s suit.

  “Everyone here is looking at you,” he remarked with a frown, scanning the room behind me.

  I followed his gaze. I didn’t see anyone looking at me, but I did catch two pairs of big, bright female eyes focused on him. I pursed my lips and stared at one girl until she noticed and looked away sheepishly.

  David ordered a bottle of something before I even noticed the waiter, something I didn’t catch because he’d said it in French. I chose not to comment but folded my hands in my lap instead. His unreadable eyes were fixed on me as he sat motionless.

  If his intent was to make me uncomfortable, it was working. His stoicism since the moment I’d seen him was making me self-conscious and a little flustered. “Are you having second thoughts?” I asked finally.

  “Me?”

  I nodded hesitantly, put off by his clipped tone.

  He responded by dropping his forehead in his hands and sighing irritably. “You’re the one hitting the brakes, Olivia.”

  “You just seem . . . distant.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  The waiter appeared, and David gestured at me. The man poured me a taste from the bottle in his hands. Without removing my eyes from David, I swirled, sniffed and took an uninspired sip of red wine. When I nodded, he filled our glasses without a word and slunk away.

  “I spoke to Andrew,” David said. “Apparently you and Dani had some kind of altercation last night?” I tried to keep composed, but I could feel heat creeping up my neck. “He wouldn’t tell me any more. Care to explain?”

  I bit my lip. “Bill thinks I’m making a mistake. He said that both he and Andrew are concerned about your past. And that you’re using me. He thinks I made a rash decision, a wrong decision, a huge mistake, in fact. He wants me back.”

  The angles of David’s long jaw sharpened as he gritted his teeth.

  “He told me you slept with Dani and then never called her again.”

  David suddenly looked as red as I felt, but it wasn’t because he was embarrassed like me. It was an anger that hit me hard, like the night of the masquerade ball, when he’d seen me dancing with Bill. Now that he was feet away though, it was more palpable.

  When he didn’t speak, I continued. “Dani wouldn’t return my calls, so I went to see her in person.”

  “You should have come to me,” he fumed.

  “I surprised her at a bar in Near North,” I said. “I asked her if she’d slept with you. She told me that Bill had lied and asked her to corroborate his story. His reasoning was that it would be better for me in the long run if I realized who you are and broke things off now before I got hurt.”

  “He lied?” David asked, dumbfounded. “And you believed him?”

  “Not really, but I didn’t know what to think – ”

  “Haven’t I told you repeatedly that I won’t lie to you? Under any circumstances? If I said I didn’t touch her, I didn’t. I don’t fucking like having to repeat myself.”

  I nodded and shrank back in my chair. “Are you mad?”

  “Yes,” he snapped. “I’m mad at that son of a bitch for lying and at you for believing him.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, looking back at my hands. “I didn’t believe it was true, but I wanted to hear it from her mouth.”

  “Why can’t you trust me?”

  “I do.”

  “You don’t. It took all this for you to finally come to me? That’s bullshit, Olivia. I should be the first person you come to. This is a bullshit relationship.”

  I felt my heart dropping fast and tears stung my eyes.

  “What happened with Dani?” he asked.

  “She said some things about you and – ”

  “Such as?”

  In a rush of breath, I said, “She said you’d grow tired of me soon, and then she called Gretchen a slut so I threw my drink in her face.”

  He closed his eyes for a long second. “You what?”

  “I threw my drink in her face, and I’m not sorry,” I said. “She called me and Gretchen trash and said you were only thinking with your dick.”

  “We’re not ready,” David clipped as the waiter approached, his narrowed eyes never leaving me. “Throwing a drink in someone’s face at a bar is a good way to get in trouble.”

  I shrugged. “So fucking be it. She deserved it.”

  “I don’t care about her,” he intoned. “What if she’d come after you? Or someone else had? Don’t do that shit again, especially if I’m not around.”

  My lips pressed together, and I looked away.

  He cursed. “Next time you come to me, understand? And what’s this about Brian?”

  “We met up with him afterward.”

  “Why?”

  “He invited you and me out, and since we were . . . Well, I brought the girls instead.”

  “I’m supposed to be all right with you two hanging out alone?”

  “We weren’t alone. Gretchen and her roommates and Greg were all there.”

  “So you won’t mind if I meet up with Gretchen next time you and I are on the outs.”

  I bristled instantly. “Obviously I mind.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me, his point made. “Look, I don’t want to fight,” he said, and his face softened somewhat. “You look tired. Aren’t you sleeping well?”

  I shook my head so hard that my hair threatened to come undone. “No. I have nightmares.”

  “Last night?”

  I shook my head gentler. “Never when I’m
with you. Only when I’m away.”

  He looked at me searchingly. “You got your answer from Dani. So why are you still holding back?”

  My gaze dropped to the table.

  He put his hand possessively over mine. “Bill thinks you’re making a mistake, but you know that’s not true. You know we aren’t.”

  A dull, angry buzzing filled my ears as I stared down. I’m scared. Of your past. Of our future. Of our connection. What happens once you’ve caught me, David?

  I’m scared of getting hurt. If I tell you, you’ll say you’d never hurt me, and I’ll believe you. But how can you know? People don’t change just like that.

  “Hey,” he called. “Don’t shut me out.”

  I pulled my hand out of his and rubbed my temples. “What is that noise?” I asked, looking around.

  “Nothing. Look at me. Focus.”

  I sighed and looked into eyes that were pleading with me to talk. I was going to tell him that in the end, he would only hurt me, and I didn’t think I could take it. It would turn me into my mother, lost and alone, disillusioned and turned mad by her love for someone . . . what was the word Dani had used? Unattainable?

  “Olivia, do you know how it felt to spend those two days with you and then have you ripped out of my hands? I can’t make this better if you won’t talk to me. Remember the bath, baby? You and me? Remember how nice you felt after opening up? Remember – ”

  “I told you!” I snapped, clasping my hand over my heart. “I’m empty! I’m black inside! I warned you, David. I can’t give you what you need.”

  His fist hit table. “Don’t say that shit to me. That’s an excuse, and you know it. I’ve seen the way you can love me. I feel it in your touch, in the way you give yourself over to me. Just admit that you’re fucking afraid and that I’m not worth taking the risk for.”

  “Goddamn it,” I hissed to myself, pressing my palms against my forehead. “What is that buzzing sound? Is that your phone?”

  “Yes – ”

  “Answer it. It’s driving me crazy.”

  “We’re not finished.”

  “Just answer it,” I clipped. “Someone obviously needs to get ahold of you.”

  He looked at me for a long moment before pulling out his phone from his jacket and holding it to his ear. “Now is not a good – whoa, slow down. What’s wrong?” He paused, and his face fell. “The ER? Why?” My body tensed as he listened. “All right, I’m coming now.” He hung up and motioned to the waiter.

  “David, what’s wrong?”

  “That was my sister. Alex is in the hospital, emergency appendectomy.”

  “Oh, God. Is he all right?”

  “I have no idea, I could barely understand her through her crying. I have to get over there.”

  “You go ahead. I can finish up here.”

  “It’s fine.” He handed a credit card to the waiter for the wine and demanded my coat. No doubt because of David’s tone, the waiter almost ran off with the card. I stumbled to get up when David rose. I was about to offer to go with him when he cut me off. “I’ll get you a cab home.”

  “I – home – should I go – back to your apartment?”

  “Where else?” he asked with a funny look. He signed the receipt while striding to the exit, passed me my coat from the waiter and paused only long enough to hold the door for me. He handed the valet his ticket and moved to the curb to search for a cab.

  “I can get my own cab. Alex needs you.”

  “Right,” he mumbled, but he strained his neck down the street. “Hopefully I’ll get back tonight, but I might have to stay with them. We’ll finish this tomorrow.”

  “I’m leaving for Dallas in the morning.”

  His eyes snapped to me. “What? Without me?”

  I stammered for a response. “I – I don’t know where we stand and . . . now Alex.”

  His brown eyes roamed over me, lingering on my red lips until the car pulled up. “Text me when you get to the apartment.”

  He left to tip the valet. Because I couldn’t help myself, I ran after him, grabbed his forearm, rose on the tips of my toes and kissed his cheek. He caught me before I pulled back and quickly pressed his lips to mine. I wiped away the red lipstick I’d left behind. “Let me know me when you find out about Alex,” I said softly.

  I retreated to the curb and watched him drive away. Then, I hailed a passing cab, slid inside and with a deep breath, gave him the address to Bill’s apartment.

  CHAPTER 16

  THE SLIDE OF THE DEADBOLT raked across my nerves. The door opened a fraction, and Bill’s shirtless figure leaned out. In the background, sounds of a popular sitcom floated into the hallway. His eyes scanned my figure and then flicked back up to my face. “What do you want?”

  “Can I come in?”

  He leaned back and held the door open.

  “Thanks.” I looked around, noticing how the apartment looked eerily similar to when I’d left. It was clean, except for a few empty beer bottles and the lingering scent of cigarette smoke. I noted that my scarf still hung on the coatrack as it always had. It didn’t feel the same, however. I felt out of place and back home all at once. “I’m going to my dad’s tomorrow, and I need some things,” I explained as I undid my coat and set it on a kitchen chair.

  He snorted. “I bet Dad’s happy about this.” I cast him an irritated glance, but he just shrugged. “Go ahead. You remember where the bedroom is, don’t you?”

  “How’s your nose?” I asked.

  “Peachy.”

  I made my way through the apartment and opened the hallway closet, reaching up to pull down a suitcase.

  “That’s mine,” he said. I paused with my hands wrapped around the handle. “Never mind. Take it.” I struggled to pull it from the shelf and caught it just before it fell on me. I wheeled it into the bedroom and started packing for the weekend, plus some of my favorite things I’d left behind.

  “Where’d you get this?”

  I jumped, twisting to find Bill at my back. He ran a finger down the side of my dress. “It’s Gretchen’s,” I said, taking a step away.

  “What’s wrong?” He cocked his head, seemingly amused.

  “Nothing,” I said, but my heart rate escalated. I was worried that he might try to kiss me again. He was so close that I smelled the mingling of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath.

  “I like it. You coming from a date, or did you dress up to see me?”

  I blinked rapidly, holding my breath until he chuckled.

  “Relax,” he said, withdrawing. “I’m not interested in sloppy seconds. Or would that make you sloppy thirds?”

  He turned and walked away, leaving me to look after him. I glanced around the room. The bed was made, everything looked in order. Our wedding picture was facedown.

  I put a few more things in the suitcase and rolled it through the living room. His eyes were on me as I crossed in front of the television and set it by the door. I walked back to sit next to him on the couch.

  “What?” he asked.

  “You’re smoking again,” I observed softly, gesturing to a full ashtray on the coffee table.

  “It makes me feel better.” He gave me a look that resembled a small child’s, and I nodded at his honesty.

  “I thought about what you said,” I told him. “A lot.”

  His face turned uneasy. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. You were right about some things. David’s got a past. I’m the one giving everything up. I don’t know how things will go with him. Honestly, I’m not sure of anything anymore.”

  He sat forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his chin. “Then come back, Olivia. I know I said some things, but . . . I didn’t . . . What I said just now about sloppy thirds, I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry. We can go to counseling. We can make this work.”

  I inhaled back tears and looked at my hands. I wished I wouldn’t think of David in that moment, because I wanted a clear head. I wanted to know that my decisions we
re free of the spell he held over me. “You lied to me about Dani and David.”

  He nodded and looked at the floor. “I didn’t know how else to get you to see the truth about him.”

  “But that’s not the truth,” I pointed out. “It was a lie.”

  “It could have been the truth. Easily.”

  I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. I lingered there with my lips pressed against his face, squeezing my eyes closed. A tear escaped and slid between us. “I’m sorry, Bill,” I whispered. I pulled back to look at his profile. “I love you, and I know you love me, but I shouldn’t have said yes. We’re not right for each other, and I’m not sure we ever were.”

  He stared at the TV, unresponsive, so I continued.

  “It’s over, Bill. I don’t know what will happen with David, but you and I are over. I’m sorry.”

  “There’s adultery all over this, Liv,” he said, still looking forward. “I care about you, but I won’t let you take me for a fool.”

  “That’s fine,” I said, looking at my hands. “We’ll settle it in court if it comes to that.”

  “It’ll come to that. You better find a good lawyer.” He stood and looked down at me. “I think you should leave.”

  ~

  Back at David’s, I pulled my hair down immediately and wiped off my lipstick. I texted him that I was home, hoping he’d be too preoccupied to notice how long it’d taken. I asked about Alex, but by the time I’d changed and finished my nightly routine, I still hadn’t heard back.

  In his bed, alone, I played the night back in my head. I lingered over David’s detached demeanor and his short words. I knew better than anyone that they were a defense mechanism, but one word was noticeably absent the past twenty-four hours. Didn’t he love me still? Why didn’t he say it? Why didn’t I finally say it? I loved him, and I wanted to tell him, but the words wouldn’t come.

  I wrapped the comforter tighter around myself and shivered. It was cold. He was cold, and I was cold. As my lids fell, I wondered what it would take to get warm again.

  ~

  I jolted awake at the sound of the alarm and rubbed my tired eyes. It was dawn and still no David. My sleep had been restless, punctuated by bits and pieces of unsettling dreams.