The Lonely Lady

by Michelle Sutton

  "I see." Cherry offered Josiah a parting last glance, then left the church.

  Once she was gone there was a lull in attendees waiting in line. Several people stood around the open casket, wiping their eyes. She couldn't help noticing that Josiah avoided looking in that direction as well.

  "What did she say to you?" Tara whispered to Josiah so only he would hear.

  "You don't want to know." Josiah's face darkened.

  Tara decided to let it go. No sense pressing for information he obviously didn't want to share. "I won't be able to go to the reception at your house after this. The caregiver for my mother can't stay much longer, and we both know what happened the last time I was late."

  Josiah winced. "Sorry about that."

  "All is forgiven. I just wanted you to know it wasn't because I don't care about you."

  "Can you bring your mother with you?" His eyes widened and he looked so hopeful.

  Tara shrugged. "I can try. If she's in a good mood, I will. You don't want her there if she isn't, believe me. I don't want anything distracting you from grieving with your family right now."

  "Maybe someday we'll be--"

  "Josiah, I'm so sorry for your loss." A woman who looked very familiar interrupted them and gave Josiah a friendly hug.

  "Thanks." He turned to Tara and said, "Remember our math teacher, Mrs. Perez?"

  Tara gasped. She had recognized her. She was one of the few teachers who never liked Tara, but the way Mrs. Perez smiled so tenderly, she figured she must've gotten past her dislike. "Yes, I do remember. How are you, Mrs. Perez?"

  "Doing well. I retired last year." Their former teacher glanced at each of them. "Did you two decide to get married?"

  "No," they said in unison.

  "Are you engaged?" Her brows rose.

  This time Tara kept her lips pressed together. She wanted to let Josiah answer that question himself. So what would he say?

  "I hope to be... soon." Josiah shot Tara a shy glance, and then stared at his feet.

  Now she was really confused. Hadn't he told her that he just wanted to be friends? So maybe he wasn't referring to her. Maybe he was referring to Cherry. That woman sure knew how to make him blush whenever she whispered in Josiah's ear. But he'd never given Tara any reason to believe he wanted to date Cherry, let alone marry her.

  Josiah reached for her hand and squeezed it. If he was referring to them as a couple, then they had a lot to talk about. And pray about. Just when she started to think she could accept the decision he'd made about getting to know each other better as friends, he pulls this "I hope to be engaged soon" stunt?

  After their former teacher left, she raised her brows in question. He tipped his head toward her and whispered, "We'll talk later. I've been thinking more about us, and praying about things. I need to tell you something important."

  She shivered from the sensation of his warm breath against her neck. She'd done a lot of thinking, too, but wasn’t sure they had arrived at the same conclusion.

  Her stomach cramped at the thought of sharing her confused feelings with him. Ever since he'd told her that he'd used her she began to have second thoughts about her own heart attitude toward him. Had she been truly in love with him in high school, or just the idea of being in love? Was it just because she had the most attractive boyfriend in high school and was proud that he wanted her all for himself that made her think she was in love?

  And what about the other night? Had she offered herself to him with a wrong heart attitude? Of course, she knew it was wrong because they weren't married. But her concern went even deeper than that. She'd reacted out of instinct and a desire to please him and comfort him. But was that really showing him love, or was it just to make herself feel better? To be needed?

  Sometimes she wished she could go back and do a do-over of her life. While Josiah was the only man she'd ever slept with, she felt more experienced than she should for her age. She'd lost her virginity when she was only fifteen. How different would things be today if she had refused him or at least waited a few more years?

  If she could go back in time, she'd keep him at arm's length until they were both ready to get married. If that never happened then at least they would've known the truth about their relationship... that they weren't meant to be together.

  So why did the thought of not being with him make her heart feel ripped to pieces?

  *****

  Josiah waited until after the last guest left their home that night and sighed. Though he'd waited patiently, Tara hadn't come by. Her mother must've been in a bad mood after all. He glanced at the clock and decided to take the chance that she might still be up. She'd told him once before that her mother went to bed early but she usually stayed up reading until ten or eleven.

  He grabbed his coat and slipped it on. His mother glanced at him and asked, "Where are you going this late?"

  "I need to talk to Tara." Please don't ask me any more.

  "Are you sure that's a good idea to go over there at this hour?"

  He shrugged, not wanting to acknowledge what he knew could happen. He'd behave himself if it killed him.

  "I need to talk to her either way. If I don't go right now I'm worried I might not be able to sleep well tonight."

  His mother gave him a tender hug. She smelled like flowers, reminding him of his childhood. Had she always worn the same perfume?

  She kissed his cheek. "Take care and come back soon, okay? I don’t want to be up late worrying about you. You're the only family I have left."

  The sound of his mother's brokenness made him cringe. Was it wrong for him to leave her feeling this distraught? He started to take off his jacket. "Maybe I shouldn't go."

  "Nonsense." His mother stopped him and framed his face with her hands. "You go see Tara and talk to her about whatever is on your mind. Just be careful, okay?"

  "Um. Sure, Mom." What did she mean by that? Be careful about what?

  Then he remembered how his mother had found him nearly naked the night he and Tara had stumbled big time. Lord, help me to be stronger tonight.

  His legs were a bit stiff from sitting for the past several hours so he decided to walk to Tara's place instead of drive. She lived only a few blocks down the road so it seemed a shame to waste gas when he was young enough to make the short hike on foot.

  As he approached Tara's apartment, he saw that the small light in the living room was still on. He hoped that meant she was still awake, so he tapped lightly on the door.

  He waited awhile and when no one answered, he tapped again. Light footsteps approached and the door handle turned. Tara pulled it open. She looked adorable with a short nightshirt on and her hair mussed up.

  Her eyes widened and she pushed the door out so it covered her legs. She leaned over so only her head and chest showed, and she whispered, "I shouldn't have opened the door without checking first. So what are you doing here?"

  "I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I explained myself to you. Today, when we were sitting beside each other at the memorial service, I started really thinking about us... and our history. Things like that."

  "And?" Her eyes fixed on him and he took a step inside.

  "And I need to tell you something."

  She shut the door and raised a finger. "Wait right here."

  He watched her walk briskly out of the room and enjoyed the brief view of her shapely legs. While he waited for her to return he looked around and noticed that no one was in the house with Tara. Her mother must be sleeping in the other room. Given the lines on Tara's cheek, she had probably gotten up from her bed to answer the door. He waited for her to emerge from the hallway and wondered what made Tara run off like that.

  She returned to the room with sweatpants on so her beautiful legs were no longer showing. Smart girl. He couldn't help noticing that she didn't have a bra on. He fixed his attention on her chest, wishing she'd thought to attend to that detail as well.

  She glanced down, and then crossed her arms over her brea
sts as she sat on the couch.

  He smiled and joined her on the sofa. "Thanks for letting me inside."

  "No problem. Just don't make me regret it, okay?"

  His mouth curved down and he scrunched his brow. What did she think he was going to do, pounce on her? "I won't."

  "Good." She turned to face him and pulled her knees up so she could rest her chin on them. If she stayed in that position he wouldn't be able to kiss her very easily. Peering closer, he noticed some sparkles on her moist mouth. She must've applied lip moisturizer or something similar when she ran out of the room. He remembered how she used to wear this incredible tasting strawberry lip gloss. He wondered if this new brand tasted sweeter.

  Her lids lowered as she gazed at him. To his surprise, her mouth slowly split into an exaggerated yawn and she stretched, given him this distinct impression she didn't want him to stay long.

  "Sorry, but I'm really beat tonight. Is this going to take long?"

  Would it? He didn't really know, but decided to plunge ahead and see where the conversation led. "What I started to tell you today when we were in the greeting line was that I have been thinking about us... and making our relationship permanent."

  She shivered as if a tremor had worked its way up her spine. Her eyes widened. "Why?"

  He reached over and touched her hand. "I can't stop thinking about us."

  "What do you mean?"

  "About us?" He gently squeezed her fingers.

  She nodded, and her eyes softened the longer they gazed at each other.

  "I think about you all the time, Tara." He kissed the palms of her hands and his heart fluttered. "I can't seem to get you out of my head, or my heart."

  She sniffed and narrowed her eyes. "What happened to your 'we need to be friends first' conviction?"

  "I still want to get to know you better as a person. I do." He went to kiss her hand again, but changed his mind.

  "But..."

  "I feel more than friendship for you, Tara. This past week has nearly killed me to be away from you."

  She rested her chin on her knees again and wrapped her arms around her shins. "So how is this going to work?"

  His hands grew moist. "I don't know yet."

  "That's not very helpful." She frowned.

  "I know. But I hate to promise you something that might not happen." He clenched his hands together to keep them from trembling.

  Her eyes narrowed and she studied him. "And that means..."

  The sound of his heartbeat grew louder as he gazed into her eyes. "I've never met anyone like you before. You're so compassionate and tenderhearted... and beautiful."

  Tara's countenance softened and she watched him, her eyes fixed on his.

  "You are the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful person I know."

  She smirked and sat up straight, with her legs hanging off the sofa. "Is that all?"

  He stretched his arm out to wrap around her shoulder. She rested her head on his chest and the scent of her clean hair made him draw closer. He loved the way she smelled and couldn't get enough. And the sensation of her silky hair against his lips compelled him to kiss her head. After inhaling deeply, he nuzzled her behind the ear. "No, that's not all."

  She pressed her palm against his chest and glanced at him as if waiting for him to finish.

  "I feel like you're part of me, of my body... my soul. Like we're meant to be connected to each other... forever. I never want to give you up, Tee." He leaned in for a kiss, but stopped before touching her lips, teasing her.

  "You don't have to give me up." She giggled and nudged his face away from hers.

  "Really?" He tucked her long, loose strands of hair behind her ear and traced her jaw with his finger until it landed on her lip. As she gazed at him, her eyes heavy with desire, he studied her and waited to see what she'd do next.

  She kissed his finger, lingering and staring at him as she pursed her lips. He removed his finger and placed his lips over hers, then paused.

  "Marry me, Tara," he said before offering her a deeper kiss.

  *****

  Tara's head began to swim as it flooded with that familiar hormone that blocked out everything but the sensation of Josiah's lips moving over her own. He cupped her face as he caressed her gently with his tender, yet hungry kisses, opening his mouth to receive hers.

  She moaned and pressed closer as she inhaled the scent of his aftershave. Something about his masculine scent made her melt inside every time he wrapped his arms around her. She could think of nothing else but loving him in every way. But until they were married, they had to stop playing with fire. Right now she felt the heat index in her rising with every kiss.

  She pressed her palm against his chest and winced. It was killing her to be firm, but she had no choice. "I think it's time for you to go."

  He blinked in surprise. "But we were just getting started."

  That comment, while it might not have been intended to stab her heart, still wounded her spirit. "No, we're done for the night. I'm serious, Josiah. Don't test me on this."

  "But... why are you being so cold all of a sudden?" He looked hurt, confused.

  "I'm not. I'm just trying to be respectable. I'm offended that you would even think that just because you came over and started kissing me that we'd end up doing it again." She shoved his arm. "What's wrong with you? We don't even go to the same church yet."

  "We can start. How about you join me next week? I'll save you a seat."

  "I can't believe you. First you try to seduce me. Then you ask me to start going to your church? Like that's going to make this right?"

  He pulled away from her and ruffled his bangs. "Sheesh, that was blunt. I didn't mean it like that. But we should start going to church together."

  From the corner of her eye, she peered at him and blinked back tears, her heart crushed that she may have nailed his intention spot-on. "I don't know how else to say how I feel except to come right out and say it."

  "Okay. I admit I want you. I'll always want you. But I can behave myself. I can stop." He reached out and swiped at her tears with the pads of his thumbs.

  She rolled her eyes and scoffed at him. "Yeah, right. You know self-control is not something either of us is very good at. Going to church and pretending we're being good Christians won't make it true. "

  Nudging her with his elbow, he smirked. "Speak for yourself. I can be good if I want to."

  "So then why don't you want to?" She tipped her head and challenged him with her stare. "Or is there more to it than that? Why can't you control yourself when we're together? It's not right for us to have sex when we're not married, and we both know it."

  He stared beyond her as if asking himself the same thing. After a brief pause, he said, "This is exactly why I could never be a missionary. If I can't control my desires with you, why would God want to use me to reach other people with the gospel?

  His head hung down and she sensed his discouragement. She gently combed the side of his head with her fingers and stroked his thick hair. "You're a good man, Josiah Reardon. Just because you trip and fall doesn't mean you can't serve the Lord as a missionary. The important thing is that you confess when you mess up and start over again."

  He glanced at her with sad eyes.

  "Never give up on yourself, Josiah. Never."

  He lifted his chin and peered at her with such affection, she trembled deep inside.

  "You're a beautiful, compassionate woman, Tara. I need you in my life. You make me want to be a better man. Please say that you'll be my wife."

  Finally, her first sincere proposal, and it had come from someone she genuinely cared for, though her emotions were too tangled up inside to allow her to commit to him. Too bad she couldn't shout 'yes' and hug him like she'd always imagined doing.

  "If it's God's will for us, then it will happen."

  "But tell me, Tee, what do you want? Just be honest. If this is freaking you out, I won't bring it up again until you're ready to deal with it. If... yo
u're ever ready to."

  She hesitated, but decided to be completely straight with him. "Part of me finds you incredibly irresistible. That part wants to make love to you every day for the rest of my life. Another part of me wonders why I feel that way about you."

  "Seriously?" He frowned as if he couldn't make sense of what she'd said.

  "Yes. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in you. Was it the fact that you were handsome, and popular and wanted a plain nobody like me that made my feelings for you so strong? Or was it more than that? And now that we're both Christians, I wonder if this bond will even last given the fact that we've already fallen once."

  "I'll try harder to behave this time, Tee. I promise."

  She raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, well eventually my body is going to sag and I'll gain weight. You might not find me attractive anymore. If that's all our relationship is based on right now, I can't help wondering if our marriage would last. That's why I can't answer you yet. I honestly don't know."

  "So I might start balding and acquire a sexy pot belly like my dad's. Would you love me any less if I did?"

  She shook her head and snickered.

  "Then why do you think I would feel less love for you? I'm not that vain."

  They gazed at each other for several long moments. He leaned in for another kiss, which she skillfully avoided.

  "So, if you're going to behave with me now, does that mean you're leaving?" She stood and offered her hand without looking at his face. She didn't want to see his reaction.

  "I guess I should go, huh?" He allowed her to pull him to his feet.

  After giving her a brief hug, he said with a sincere smile, "I'm glad we had this talk."

  "Me, too." She kissed his slightly scratchy cheek. "I'll see you soon?"

  He nodded, and then stuffed his hands in his pockets.

  Tara opened the door and with a knot in her throat, she watched as he let himself out.

  She released an exhausted breath and leaned against the doorframe. She gently banged her forehead against the wall several times in frustration. While she rejoiced deep inside that they'd not fallen into sin again, she couldn't ignore the ache in her chest that told her she was still flirting with disaster.