Dust to Dust

by Tami Hoag

—The Detroit News

  “This is a winning psychological thriller that will attract fans of Thomas Harris.”

  —Booklist

  A THIN DARK LINE

  “A Thin Dark Line is chilling, it’s atmospheric, it’s even romantic; but the novel’s best achievement is its making readers constantly interrogate their ideas about justice and revenge, their own presumptions of guilt and innocence.”

  —Us magazine

  “This mystery defies you to put it down, and when you’re done you’re damn glad you didn’t.”

  —Detroit News & Free Press

  “Hoag deftly demonstrates that the search for truth is rarely straightforward. Important clues are cunningly buried, and the book’s tension is as sustained as it is palpable.”

  —Chicago Tribune

  “With a flair for dialect and regional atmosphere, Hoag captures the essence of the Cajun family and working relationships while injecting suspense and heart-pounding terror into a violent tangle of justice, innocence, treachery, and public opinion. A thoroughly engrossing read.”

  —Booklist

  “Hoag has evolved into a fine thriller writer. [She] displays a firm grasp on locale [and] there’s plenty of suspense in waiting to see how it will all resolve. Psychopathic villains are common enough, but Hoag has managed to endow hers with a scarred entourage that provides a tragic note.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “Hoag is always a good gritty read.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  “Hoag writes big, full stories with complex characters and situations. She doesn’t shrink from the raw side of crime and the dark side of human nature.”

  —The Cincinnati Post

  Look for

  TAMI HOAG’S

  exciting novels of suspense

  DARK HORSE

  available in June 2004

  in paperback

  and

  KILL THE

  MESSENGER

  available in July 2004

  in hardcover

  DARK HORSE

  by TAMI HOAG

  On sale June 2004

  LIFE CAN CHANGE in a heartbeat.

  I’ve always known that. I’ve lived the truth of that statement literally from the day I was born. I sometimes see those moments coming, sense them, anticipate them, as if they have an aura that precedes their arrival. I see one coming now. Adrenaline runs through my bloodstream like rocket fuel. My heart pounds like a piston. I’m ready to launch.

  I’ve been told to stay put, to wait, but I know that’s not the right decision. If I go in first, if I go in now, I’ve got the Golam brothers dead-bang. They think they know me. Their guard will be down. I’ve worked this case three months. I know what I’m doing. I know that I’m right. I know the Golam brothers are already twitching. I know I want this bust and deserve it. I know Lieutenant Sikes is here for the show, to put a feather in his cap when the news vans arrive and to make the public think they should vote for him in the next election for sheriff.

  He stuck me on the side of the trailer and told me to wait. He doesn’t know his ass. He doesn’t even know the side door is the door the brothers use most. While Sikes and Ramirez are watching the front, the brothers are dumping their money into duffel bags and getting ready to bolt out the side. Billy Golam’s four-by-four is parked ten feet away, covered in mud. If they run, they’ll take the truck, not the Corvette parked in front. The truck can go off-road.

  Sikes is wasting precious time. The Golam brothers have two girls in the trailer with them. This could easily turn into a hostage situation. But if I go in now, while their guard is down . . .

  Screw Sikes. I’m going in before these twitches freak.

  It’s my case. I know what I’m doing. I key my radio. “This is stupid. They’re going to break for the truck. I’m going in.”

  “Goddammit, Estes—” Sikes.

  I click the radio off and drop it into the weeds growing beside the trailer. It’s my case. It’s my bust. I know what I’m doing.

  I go to the side door and knock the way all the Golam brothers’ customers knock: two knocks, one knock, two knocks. “Hey, Billy, it’s Elle. I need some.”

  Billy Golam jerks open the door, wild-eyed, high on his own home cooking—crystal meth. He’s breathing hard. He’s got a gun in his hand.

  Shit.

  The front door explodes inward. One of the girls screams.

  Buddy Golam shouts “Cops!” and Billy Golam swings the .357 up in my face. I suck in my last breath.

  And then I opened my eyes and felt sick at the knowledge that I was still alive.

  This was the way I had greeted every day for the past two years. I had relived that memory so many times, it was like replaying a movie over and over and over. No part of it changed, not a word, not an image. I wouldn’t allow it.

  I lay in the bed and thought about slitting my wrists. Not in an abstract way. Specifically. I looked at my wrists in the soft lamplight—delicate, as fine-boned as the wing of a bird, skin as thin as tissue, blue-lined with veins—and thought about how I would do it. I looked at those thin blue lines and thought of them as lines of demarcation. Guidelines. Cut here.

  I pictured the needle-nose point of a boning knife. The lamplight would catch on the blade. Blood would rise to the surface in its wake as the blade skated along the vein. Red. My favorite color. The image didn’t frighten me. That truth frightened me most of all.

  I looked at the clock: 4:38 A.M. I’d had my usual fitful four and a half hours of sleep. Trying for more was an exercise in futility. Trembling, I forced my legs over the edge of the bed and got up, pulling a deep blue chenille throw around my shoulders. The fabric was soft, luxurious, warm. I made special note of the sensations. You’re always more intensely alive the closer you come to looking death in the face.

  I wondered if Hector Ramirez had realized that the split second before he died. I wondered that every day.

  I dropped the throw and went into the bathroom.

  “Good morning, Elena. You look like shit.”

  Too thin. Hair a wild black tangle. Eyes too large, too dark, as if there was nothing within to shine outward. The crux of my problem: lack of substance. There was—is—a vague asymmetry to my face, like a porcelain vase that has been broken, then painstakingly restored. The same vase it was before, yet not the same. The same face I was born with, yet not the same. Slightly skewed and strangely expressionless. I was beautiful once.

  I reached for a comb on the counter, knocked it to the floor, grabbed a brush instead. Anger and resentment bubbled up through me, and I tore the brush through my hair, shoving the snarls together and tangling the brush in the midst of the mess.

  I tried to extricate the thing, tearing at the hair above the snarl, not caring that I was pulling hair out of my head by the roots. I swore aloud, swatted at my image in the mirror, swept the tumbler and soap dish off the counter in a tantrum. Then I jerked open a drawer in the vanity and pulled out a scissors.

  Furious, shaking, breathing hard, I cut the brush free. Without emotion, I proceeded to hack away at the rest of my mane, cutting it boy-short in ten minutes. The result was ragged with a finger-in-the-light-socket quality. Still, I’d seen worse in Vogue. I swept up the mess—the discarded hair, the broken glass—tossed it in the trash, and walked out of the room.

  I’d worn my hair long all my life.

  THE MORNING WAS cool, shrouded in a thick, ground-hugging fog, the air ripe with the damp scents of south Florida: green plants and the murky canal that ran behind the property; mud and manure and horses. I stood on the patio of the little guest house I lived in and breathed deeply.

  I had come to this farm a refugee. Jobless, homeless, a pariah in my chosen profession. Unwanted, unloved, abandoned. All of it deserved. I had been off the job two years, most of that time spent in and out of hospitals as doctors repaired the damage done to my body that day at the Golam brothers’ trailer. Piecing together shattered bone, patching torn
flesh, putting the left side of my face together like a three-dimensional puzzle. They had been less successful with my psyche.

  Needing something to do until I could make up my mind about reaching for that boning knife, I had answered an ad in Sidelines, a locally based, biweekly magazine for the horse industry: GROOM WANTED.

  The phone number in the ad belonged to Sean Avadon. I’d known Sean a hundred years ago in my riding days, when I was a spoiled, sulky, Palm Beach teenager and he was a spoiled, outrageous twenty-something spending his trust fund on horses and mad flings with pretty young men from Sweden and Germany. Our families lived a couple of mansions down from one another on the Lake Worth side of the narrow island, Sean’s father a real estate magnate, mine an attorney to the wealthiest crooks in south Florida. The slumlord and the shyster, each of them sire to ungrateful offspring. Sean and I had bonded in parental disdain and our love for horses. All that had seemed so long ago as to be a dream I could barely remember. So much had happened since. I had left Palm Beach, left that world. I had metaphorically lived and died in another life. Then I answered that ad.

  I didn’t get the job. As bad a shape as I was in, even I could see the pity in his eyes when we met for drinks at The Players. I guess that might have been rock bottom. I might have gone home that night to the apartment I was renting and tried to find that boning knife.

  Instead, Sean took me in like a stray cat—a recurring theme in my life. He put me in his guest house and asked that I work a couple of his horses for the winter season. He claimed he needed the help. His ex-trainer/ex-lover had run off to Holland with his groom and left him in the lurch. He made it sound like he was giving me a job. What he was giving me was a stay of execution.

  Three months had passed. I was still fantasizing about suicide, and every evening I took a bottle of Vicodin out of my nightstand, emptied out the pills, and looked at them and counted them and thought how one pill would ease the physical pain that had been with me every day since “the incident,” as my attorney called it. One pill could ease the pain. Thirty could end it. I had a stockpile of three hundred and sixty pills.

  Every evening I looked at those pills, then put them back in the bottle and put the bottle away. My evening ritual.

  My daily ritual for the past three months was the routine of Sean’s barn and time spent with his horses. I found both rituals comforting, but for very different reasons. The pills were a connection to death, and every night I didn’t take them was a victory. The horses were a connection to life, and every hour spent with them was a reprieve.

  Early on in my life I came to the conclusion that my spirituality was something uniquely and privately my own, something I could find only deep within a small, quiet space in the very center of my being. Some people find that place through meditation or yoga or prayer. I find that place within me when I am on a horse. My Zen religion: the equestrian art of dressage.

  Riding was my refuge as a teenager, when I felt I had little control over any other aspect of my life. It was my stress release when I had a career. It had become my salvation when I had nothing else. On the back of a horse I felt whole, complete, connected to that vital place in the very center of me that had otherwise closed itself off, and the chaos within me found balance.

  D’Artagnon and I moved across the sand arena through the last wisps of the morning ground fog, the horse’s muscles bulging and rolling, his hooves striking the ground in perfect metronome rhythm.

  A girl sat on the white board fence that ran along the road. She watched me with a sense of expectation about her. Even though I hadn’t noticed her, I could tell she’d been there, waiting. I judged her to be about twelve. She wore little round black-rimmed glasses that made her look very serious. I rode toward her with a vague feeling of apprehension that made no sense at the time.

  “Can I help you?” I asked.

  “I’m here to see Ms. Estes,” she said properly, as if she’d come on business.

  “And you are . . . ?”

  “Molly Seabright.”

  “Well, Ms. Estes isn’t here at the moment.”

  “You’re Ms. Estes,” she declared. “I recognize your horse. His name is D’Artagnon, like in the Three Musketeers.” She narrowed her eyes. “You cut your hair.” Disapproval.

  “How do you know me?” I asked, the apprehension rising up like bile through my chest to the base of my throat. Maybe she was a relative of Hector Ramirez, come to tell me she hated me. Maybe she’d been sent as a decoy by an older relative who would now pop out of nowhere to shoot me or scream at me or throw acid in my face.

  “From Sidelines,” she said.

  I felt like I’d walked into the middle of a play. Molly Seabright took pity on me and carefully climbed down from the fence. She came up along D’Artagnon’s shoulder and carefully held the magazine out to me, folded open to an interior page.

  I had no memory of being photographed. I had certainly never been interviewed, though the writer seemed to know things about me I didn’t know myself. The caption read: Private investigator Elena Estes enjoys an early-morning ride on D’Artagnon at Sean Avadon’s Avadonis Farm in Palm Beach Point Estates.

  “I’ve come to hire you,” Molly Seabright said.

  I turned toward the barn and called for Irina, the stunning Russian girl who had beat me out for the groom’s job. She came out, frowning and sulky. I stepped down off D’Artagnon and asked her to please take him back to the barn. She took his reins, and sighed and pouted and slouched away like a sullen runway model.

  “My sister is missing,” Molly Seabright said. “I’ve come to hire you to find her.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not a private investigator. This is some kind of mistake.”

  “I have money,” she said defensively. “Just because I’m twelve doesn’t mean I can’t hire you.”

  “You can’t hire me because I’m not a private investigator.”

  “Then what are you?” she demanded.

  A broken-down, busted-out, pathetic ex–sheriff’s detective. I’d thumbed my nose at the life I’d been raised in, been ostracized from the life I’d chosen. What did that make me?

  “Nothing,” I said, handing the magazine back to her. She didn’t take it.

  “I have a hundred dollars with me,” the girl said. “For a deposit. I expect you have a daily fee and that you probably charge expenses. I’m sure we can work something out.”

  Sean emerged from the end of the stable, squinting into the distance. He stood with one booted leg cocked and pulled a pair of deerskin gloves from the waist of his brown breeches. Handsome and fit. A perfect ad for Ralph Lauren.

  “What the fuck is this?” I shouted, smacking him in the chest with the magazine.

  He took a step back, looking offended. “It might be Sidelines, but I can’t read with my nipples, so I can’t say for certain. Jesus Christ, El. What did you do to your hair?”

  I hit him again, harder, wanting to hurt him. He grabbed the magazine away from me, took another quick step out of range, and turned to the cover.

  “You told a reporter I’m a private investigator.”

  “It’s only Sidelines. For Christ’s sake.”

  “It’s my name in a goddam magazine read by thousands of people. Thousands of people now know where to find me. Why don’t you just paint a big target on my chest?”

  He frowned. “Only dressage people read the dressage section. And then only to see if their own names are in the show results.”

  “Thousands of people now think I’m a private investigator.”

  “What was I supposed to tell them? The truth?” Said as if that was the most distasteful option. Then I realized it probably was.

  I pointed at Molly Seabright. “That little girl has come here to hire me. She thinks I can help her find her sister.”

  “Maybe you can.” Sean lifted a shoulder with lazy indifference and handed the magazine back to me. “What else have you got to do with your time?”

  Molly Seabr
ight was sitting on the park bench with her hands folded in her lap. I turned and walked to the barn, hoping she would just go away. D’Artagnon’s bridle hung from the ceiling on a four-pronged hook near a cabinet full of leather-cleaning supplies. I chose a small damp sponge from the work table, rubbed it over a bar of glycerine soap, and began to clean the bridle.

  “You’re very rude.”

  I could see her from the corner of my eye: standing as tall as she could—five-feet-nothing—her mouth a tight little knot.

  “Yes, I am. That’s part of the joy of being me: I don’t care.”

  “You’re not going to help me.”

  “I can’t. I’m not what you need. If your sister is missing, your parents should go to the cops.”

  “I went to the Sheriff’s Office. They wouldn’t help me either.”

  “You went? What about your parents? They don’t care your sister is missing?”

  For the first time Molly Seabright seemed to hesitate. “It’s complicated.”

  “What’s complicated about it? She’s either missing or she’s not.”

  “Erin doesn’t live with us.”

  “How old is she?”

  “Eighteen. She doesn’t get along with our parents.”

  “There’s something new.”

  “It’s not like she’s bad or anything,” Molly said defensively. “She doesn’t do drugs or anything like that. It’s just that she has her own opinions, that’s all. And her opinions aren’t Bruce’s opinions . . .”

  “Who’s Bruce?”

  “Our stepfather. Mom always sides with him, no matter how asinine he is. It makes Erin angry, so she moved out.”

  “So Erin is technically an adult, living on her own, free to do whatever she wants,” I said. “Does she have a boyfriend?”

  Molly shook her head, but avoided my eyes. She wasn’t so sure of that answer.

  “What makes you think she’s missing?”

  “She was supposed to pick me up Monday morning. That’s her day off. She’s a groom at the show grounds for Don Jade. He trains jumpers. I didn’t have school. We were going to go to the beach, but she never came or called me. I called her and left a message on her cell phone, and she never called me back.”