Now We're Here

by Jessica Kale

  Alicia looked out the window. It was the kind of day where the flags fell to their poles and the leaves dropped dead to the ground. Everything was still, everything was suffocating. “And what about the funeral?” she asked. “You owed it to us to be there. You owed it to her.”

  Alicia had put him under fire. There was no escaping these questions, not after all those years, and the way he fidgeted made it clear how uncomfortable he was.

  “I was afraid,” Daniel breathed. “I was afraid of your reaction. I was afraid of everyone’s reaction.”

  “Why did it matter? Did you even care she was dead?” Alicia asked, her eyes digging into him like a pair of icy daggers.

  “I couldn’t sleep for weeks, Alicia!” he yelled, slamming his hand against the table. Suddenly he withdrew, realizing he was attracting the wrong kind of attention. “Do you realize what your mother’s death did to me? I started drinking again, I-”

  Alicia’s eyes dimmed with disappointment. “I didn’t know you stopped,” she said, her eyebrows furrowed.

  “You know this is one of my worst nightmares, right? Having you look at me like that,” he said. “Alicia, I want you to forgive me. I didn’t come all the way over here to have you look at me the same way you did when you were ten.”

  “What did you expect? Did you expect me to run into your arms like nothing ever happened? Like you didn’t just abandon us for all these years?” she asked, shaking her head furiously.

  Suddenly Alicia felt even worse than before. She knew her words packed a powerful punch. More erratic than carefully spoken, her words had an air of finality to them, and no matter how hard he railed against them, her tone made it seem like nothing would change her mind.

  But she knew that wasn’t the case. She knew she missed her dad. In fact, she knew she would do anything to have him in her life again, but it wasn’t easy. Whenever she thought about what he did to her, how selfish he had been, she dove right back into that pit of despair. That pit she thought she would never be able to crawl out of.

  “Alicia, I know I made a mistake. But now I’m trying to fix it. Let me fix it!” he said after a long pause. He contemplated his words carefully, or at least he tried to make it look like he was, just so she would hear him out.

  “How?” she asked, not taking her eyes off him.

  “By being in your life. Alicia,” he said, suddenly smiling as if he had been handed a lifeline. “Remember how we used to play the piano together while your mother was asleep? Remember how much fun we used to have? We can still do those things, it’s not too late!”

  “Funny how you just kicked my mom out of the picture. It’s hilarious, actually,” she said, pursing her lips. “This conversation is pointless.”

  Suddenly her dad reached out and grabbed her hand. When she tried to pull away, he was persistent. “Just let me do this, Alicia. I promise I won’t disappoint you,” he said.

  Alicia drank in the hot, humid air. “Dad,” she said. “Let me go.”

  His grip on her arm loosened. Slowly, she rose to her feet, threw her phone into her bag and looked at him. “I miss you,” she snapped. “But looking back at things, sometimes I wish I hadn’t defended you as much as I did.” She picked up her things and stormed off.

  “Alicia, wait,” Daniel said. “Alicia!”

  Alicia walked out without looking back.

  ***

  Alicia couldn’t sleep.

  She had spent the night in the studio, away from everyone, even Gabriella. She knew Gabriella would be busy arranging for the tour, so she decided to bask in the darkness of the recording booth, alone, away from all the noise. That encounter with her father had drained her, and now she couldn’t help but go back to that dark place she was in as a child.

  Whenever she closed her eyes, she could hear yelling, and it echoed in her ears like gunshots.

  “Oh, God,” she whispered, feeling her phone vibrate in her pocket. Jeremy had called her six times, but she wasn’t going to answer that. Alicia turned off her phone and slumped back against the wall.

  Her imagination supplied many beasts with fantastical jaws to lurk beyond her range of vision, but she wasn’t afraid. The lack of light that had bothered her so much before became normal. The recording booth was etched in charcoal, and she was sinking right into it. Memories she had repressed for years were now coming back to haunt her. She hugged her knees to her chest and held on, trying to block the images out. Suddenly her eyelids felt heavy. Her head drooped, like a deflated balloon, and before she knew it, she fell asleep.

  CHAPTER 8

  Alicia woke up with a start, confused as to where she was. For a second her mind tricked her into thinking she was home, in her bed. But the sharp pain lancing through her head told her she had fallen asleep sitting down.

  “Oh, God,” she said, massaging her temples with two fingers. She grabbed her phone and turned it back on. Seven missed calls from Jeremy, and ten from Gabriella. Fuck. Alicia’s first instinct was to call Gabriella.

  “Alicia?” Gabriella’s voice came through the other end.

  “Gabriella, hey,” Alicia said, her voice drowsy still.

  “Where have you been?” she asked. There was something in her voice that made Alicia uneasy.

  “I spent the night at the studio,” she said. “I’m coming home now.”

  “Alright,” Gabriella said, and before Alicia could utter another word, she hung up.

  Alicia couldn’t help but cry. First her father, and now this. Who knew what Gabriella was going to say to her when she got home? Slowly, she rose to her feet. The light seeped in through the blinds, almost blinding, and when Alicia dug her hand into her bag, she realized she had no money.

  “Great,” she muttered. “Now I can’t get breakfast.”

  For some reason, she didn’t want to wait until she got home to eat, because she knew. She knew she and Gabriella would spend their morning arguing.

  Alicia picked up her things and left the studio. Suddenly a wave of paranoia came over her. She looked left and right, afraid to run into her dad again. If she didn’t know him any better, she would say he probably slept over at a friend’s house, except he didn’t have any friends. Or did he? Alicia didn’t know, Alicia didn’t know anything about him. Or perhaps she knew too much.

  She waited at the bus station for what felt like an eternity. Gabriella called her, over and over again, but she didn’t pick up. Finally she decided she was going to walk home. Besides, it wasn’t like she was in a hurry, anyway.

  The weather was sticky. The heat licked at Alicia’s face and coiled around her limbs. The ground radiated heat that went right up her legs. Even the grass stood still, and the trees watched silently as she dragged her feet, counting her steps as she walked home.

  ***

  Alicia arrived at the house around an hour later. She peered in through the window, only to find Gabriella standing at the sink, washing the dishes. She took in a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

  “Hey,” Gabriella said, popping her head out through the inched open door. Alicia stepped inside, suddenly feeling like a stranger in her own house. “Took you a while.”

  “I walked,” Alicia said, her eyes fixated on the floorboards. “What did you do last night? Did you track the ticket sales?”

  “Yeah, it’s sold out,” Gabriella said, folding her arms over her freshly ironed shirt. There was silence. Alicia could feel the awkwardness building, like toxic gas. “So why did you sleep at the studio?” Gabriella asked.

  “I -” Suddenly Alicia didn’t feel like talking about her father. Walking home that day, she decided she wasn’t going to bring him up to anyone until she was ready. “I had some track editing that I needed to do … I’ve been putting it off since last week,” she said finally.

  Gabriella nodded and looked away. “Alicia, we need to talk,” the blonde said, grabbing her phone and showing it to Alicia.

  The headline on the online art
icle screamed out at her. Sawdust producer Alicia Harper admits to dating the band’s lead singer, Gabriella Tolken.

  Alicia glared at Gabriella open-mouthed. Oh, why am I even surprised? She thought to herself. She had seen this coming. But despite the predictability of Gabriella’s reaction, Alicia’s brain formulated no thoughts other than to register that she was shocked. Shocked at the way Gabriella was glaring at her, like a lion about to pounce on its prey. Alicia closed her mouth, then looked at her feet before glancing back up to catch Gabriella’s eye. “So?”

  “So? What do you mean ‘so’?” Gabriella said, her eyes open wide. “Alicia, you do realize you just outed me to the world, right?”

  “You say it like it’s something to be ashamed of,” Alicia said, placing her hands on her hips. “I don’t get it, I thought you and I were comfortable together.”

  “And what does comfortable have to do with this? I’ve never told anyone explicitly that I’m gay. How could you do this to me?”

  “The guy pressured me, okay? I’m not used to this, Gabriella. Being in the spotlight. I got nervous!”

  “You fucking ruined my life because someone put you on the spot?”

  “Ruined your life? What the hell are you talking about?” Alicia asked. Suddenly she felt terrible. Gabriella looked mortified. “Is being with me that embarrassing to you?”

  “Alicia, you’re missing the whole point! I just wanted to at least have a say in what people know about my personal life, that’s all,” she said, her voice trailing off.

  “So, if I had gotten back to you on this before the show, would you have been comfortable with me talking about our relationship?” Alicia asked.

  Gabriella shook her head. “I don’t think so,” she said. “Not yet, anyway.”

  Alicia felt her heart sink. If she was going to be honest with herself, she didn’t expect Gabriella to react that way at all. It was one thing, not being ready to come out, but Alicia felt like she didn’t want to own up to the relationship at all. That thought didn’t sit well with her, not one bit. She felt unwanted, betrayed, even by the one woman she thought was proud to have her in her life. “So what now? You’re just going to hide me away like I don’t exist?” she asked, her voice trembling.

  “I think you’re overreacting,” Gabriella said. “I’m the one who should be mad here, not you.”

  “Are you embarrassed to be with me?” Alicia asked. Gabriella didn’t answer. She just let out a sigh and redirected her gaze to something else. “Come on, you can say it. Are you?”

  “Alicia, not everyone’s going to accept the fact that I’m gay! Not everyone is going to accept the fact that you’re gay,” Gabriella said, spinning around on her heel.

  “But this isn’t the nineteen sixties, Ella!” Alicia said, stomping her foot against the floor. “Look around you, everyone is proud of who they are. They don’t give two shits about arbitrary moral values!”

  “Oh please, this is all some theoretical bullshit you learned in an anthropology class. It has nothing to do with real life,” Gabriella said, shaking her head from side to side.

  “This is pointless.” Alicia paced the kitchen for a while before she went out the back door. She slumped down on the sidewalk, hoping that Gabriella would join her, but she never did. She never apologized. She never said anything. Alicia turned around, only to find the blonde standing at the sink, rinsing the dishes like nothing had happened.

  Alicia was losing her mind. On the one hand, she knew how hard it was to be gay amongst a majority of straight people, but on the other hand, every single person she knew was accepting of her. She thought back to that time when she was unsure of who she was and what she liked; the truth was, she couldn’t help but be afraid.

  But Gabriella wasn’t. Gabriella knew she liked women since day one, so what was her problem? Alicia’s mind was racing in all sorts of directions. Did Gabriella not love her? Did she have some kind of underlying plan to dump her once the tour was over? “No, no, you can’t think like that,” she said, rocking back and forth like a child in distress.

  Suddenly her phone rang. “Hey,” she answered.

  “Hey? Where the fuck are you and why was your phone off?” Jeremy yelled. “I was worried sick about you!”

  “Don’t be,” Alicia said, trying to hold back the tears. Suddenly she felt a lump rise in her throat. “Can I meet you right now?”

  “Sure, did something happen?”

  “We’ll talk when I see you.”

  ***

  “See, I was right,” Alicia said. “I knew she’d react that way.”

  Jeremy sat silently, staring at his hands, unresponsive since the moment she had started talking.

  “All I know is that she hasn’t spoken to them in a long time,” she said, her eyebrows furrowed. “This is ridiculous, don’t you think this is ridiculous? Gay marriage is legal in all states, people aren’t as judgmental as they used to be, what’s her problem? Is it me?”

  “Alicia, do you know anything about Gabriella’s family?” Jeremy suddenly said, looking up at her above the rim of his glasses.

  “Honestly, I don’t know much other than the fact that they tried to stand in her way, but she went ahead and did what she wanted,” Alicia said.

  Jeremy smiled. “So, basically only what she told you,” he said, shifting in his seat before he leaned forward and looked Alicia in the eye. “Gabriella comes from a pretty conservative family. Her father’s a pastor and her mother, well, she’s a diehard Catholic. This entire time, she was probably worrying about them more than anything else.”

  Alicia stared down at her coffee. It had gotten cold, stale. Just like this conversation. “She never told me any of this,” she said.

  “I’m guessing it’s because ever since the two of you met, she’s been trying to get you to come out from under your parents’ shadow. But maybe, just maybe, she cares what her parents think of her just as much as you do.”

  “I don’t know. Do you think I should talk to her about any of this?” Alicia asked, taking her eyes off the cup of coffee.

  “No,” Jeremy shook his head. “I think you should give her time. Just know that it’s not about you.”

  Alicia nodded and looked away. Suddenly she couldn’t help but think about what Gabriella’s childhood must’ve been like, all the things she must’ve gone through but never told her about. It hurt, just a little bit. Even though Alicia knew full well Gabriella probably had her reasons for not telling her, a part of her felt like Gabriella didn’t trust her.

  “I think I’m just going to head home,” Alicia said, after what felt like an eternity of silence.

  Jeremy nodded and smiled. “I’m not going to stop you, or your crazy thoughts,” he said. “But whatever your mind throws up to confuse you, just know it’s playing tricks on you.”

  It was meant as a joke, but Alicia didn’t smile.

  CHAPTER 9

  “Hey, are you gonna take this with you?” Alicia asked, holding up a gold sequin top that shimmered in the light. Gabriella didn’t look at her. “Hello?” Alicia said again.

  “Huh?” Gabriella asked, shifting her eyes off a large pile of clothes and turning to look at Alicia.

  “Nothing,” she said, shaking her head.

  Gabriella paused for a moment, her eyes fixated on nothing in particular. She picked up a few things off the bed and started folding them and placing them into her bag.

  “They’re going to dress you there though, right? You don’t need to pack that many clothes,” Alicia said again.

  This time, Gabriella didn’t answer at all.

  Well this is definitely frustrating, Alicia thought.

  Every now and again Gabriella would stop what she was doing, sit down at the edge of the bed and bury her face in her hands. Had her parents reached out to her? Had they found out her big secret? Alicia’s mind was racing in all sorts of directions, but she knew she couldn’t say anything. All she could to do
right now was suffer in silence.

  “Um, yeah,” the Gabriella said, her words barely finding their way out of her mouth. “There’ll be a stylist there who’s going to take care of everything, but I need to pack a few things, anyway.”

  “Okay,” Alicia said. “Do you want me to make you breakfast while you pack?”

  “No that’s okay. I think I just want to be alone for a bit.”

  Alicia’s chest tightened. Suddenly her feet were taking her a direction she didn’t want to go, and moments later she found herself out in the hall. Nothing felt more depressing. Had their argument left a permanent scar on their relationship? And was it her fault everything was falling apart?

  Suddenly it felt like a good idea to run back in there and tell Gabriella she was sorry. Twenty-four hours from now, Gabriella would be on a plane to New York, then to New Jersey, then to LA. Alicia would be left behind, roaming around an empty house, working in an empty studio.

  Despite her aching desire to go back in there and ambush Gabriella with empty ‘sorry’s,' Alicia decided to retreat into the kitchen. The first thing she went for was the liquor cabinet. She hadn’t been drinking much lately, but with her father’s reemergence in her life came a tsunami of old, painful memories. The fact that she and Gabriella were arguing was making it so much worse. Suddenly she remembered her dad’s relapse, how he had been sober for a while before her mother’s death knocked him off his feet and sent him spiraling.

  Like father like daughter, she thought to herself.

  There was a honk outside, and through the kitchen drapes she saw the cab that was waiting to take Gabriella away.

  ***

  “So, how are you and Gabriella doing?” Jeremy asked, an expectant look on his face.

  The air conditioning in the studio was cranked up, but Alicia knew it wasn’t the reason she was shivering.