by Jessica Kale
Alicia scribbled down her last words and put her journal aside. She pulled the covers up to her chin and started sobbing. For the first time, the house felt emptier than ever. She thought about calling Jeremy at this time of night, but decided against it. So she swung her feet off the side of the bed and went out to the porch. The sky was a perfect midnight velvet; everything was bigger and brighter, blurred in the most fantastic way. Just gazing at it stole every thought from Alicia’s mind, and it brought her comfort. Bit by bit, the usual carousel of worries was simply forgotten. A matte charcoal black hung over her head, and it was covered in thousands of tiny specks. Looking up at the sky, Alicia at least took comfort in the fact that every night, Gabriella would be staring at the same stars as her.
***
Sandy Birmingham was no ordinary musician. She was a one-woman band. She played the drums, strummed her guitar and blew away at her trumpet, all at the same time. Often Alicia would watch her in awe, absolutely blown away by her talent. She had straight platinum blonde hair that fell effortlessly down her back like a waterfall, and eyes blacker than charcoal. She had what Jeremy called “an odd face”. It was odd, alright, but it was definitely beautiful.
“That was amazing,” Alicia said, motioning for her to step out of the recording booth. “I’m pretty sure you and I can do some great work together,” she continued.
Sandy’s face went all shades of red. “Really?” she said, her hand flying to her mouth. “You have no idea how excited I am.”
“The fact that you’re a one-woman show makes you really special. And your songs are really chill, very mellow. I like that,” Alicia said, spinning around in her chair and looking at Jeremy, who nodded at her approvingly. “I think you’re one to see, Sandy,” Alicia said again, eyeing her admiringly. “Should we call it a deal?”
“Oh my God, yes!” she said, “unloading” herself of all the instruments she had been carrying for the past two hours. She ran around the studio clapping her hands together; Jeremy thought she was adorable.
“I’m gonna go get some water, do you want anything?” Alicia asked, getting up. Sandy was too distracted to even listen to what she was saying. When Alicia stepped out into the hall, she spotted Logan’s car parked outside the studio.
“Logan!” she said, swinging the door open.
The singer slowly got out of his car and walked towards her, a stoic look on his face. “Hi!” she said again, spreading her arms out. Logan hugged her coldly and looked around before stepping inside. Sandy’s music was playing faintly in the background. “Come on, let me introduce you to Sandy. She’s our new addition to the team,” Alicia said, reaching her hand out to Logan and dragging him inside. Sandy was singing her heart out when Logan appeared in the doorway.
“Holy fuck,” she said, her eyes wide. “James Logan?”
Logan smiled timidly. He walked towards the new singer, almost reluctantly, shaking her hand and just standing there with a shy smirk on his face. “Hello,” he said. “Happy to meet you.”
“Sandy Birmingham,” the blonde said, nodding frantically. “I went to one of your shows last November, I’m in love with your music!”
“Thank you so much,” he said.
“Seriously I can’t believe I’m about to work with the same producers as you. It’s like I’m in a fucking dream!” Sandy said, burying her face in her hands. “Sorry I’m such a mess, I’m just so excited. Maybe we can work on something together; I’d love to hear your opinion on my music.”
“Of course,” Logan said before he turned to Jeremy. “Hey, Jeremy. Can I have a word with you for a second?”
“Sure,” he said, rising to his feet. “Alicia, I’ll be back in a second.” Her eyes followed them as they disappeared into the hallway.
“Probably something business related,” she said, averting her gaze to Sandy, who still had that same smile plastered to her face. “Is that a tattoo you have there?” she asked, pointing to her own wrist.
“Yeah,” the blonde said, flipping her golden mane to one side. “It’s a tiny camera. I really like photography.”
“Oh, that’s interesting,” Alicia said. “I’m surprised it’s not a guitar, or a pair of drumsticks,” she giggled.
“Oh, I have those on my ribs,” Sandy said. “The drumsticks, that is.”
Alicia chuckled. “I definitely didn’t expect that,” she said.
There was something about Sandy that was mischievous, so playful that it just made Alicia want to get to know her. Whenever she’d get a funny idea in her head she would bite the edge of her smile, an attempt to keep a creepy grin at bay. Alicia couldn’t wait to work with her.
“Do you hear whispering?” Sandy asked, her eyes darting back and forth. She cocked her head to the side and listened. Logan and Jeremy were still inside, talking. Remarks were bouncing around here and there, but it was difficult to make out what they were saying.
“It’s probably nothing,” Alicia said, collapsing on one of the beanbags.
Every once in a while, Jeremy’s voice would rise above the silence, but then it would go down again. One small comment on Logan’s part stirred a hurricane of yelling; Alicia was growing a bit concerned. A short while after, Jeremy burst through the door, his face just a shade brighter than crimson.
“Jeremy, what’s going on?” Alicia asked. But he didn’t answer her. He stormed back outside, Logan following him all the way to the door.
“Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you,” Jeremy said, more like yelled. The door closed with a loud slam.
“What was that all about?” Alicia asked, turning to Jeremy, her eyebrows furrowed. “I’ve never seen you this angry.”
“It’s Straub,” he said. “He poached our client, he poached Logan.”
Alicia felt her heart stop. “What the fuck? Are you kidding me?” she asked. Her legs wobbled underneath her. Her hands were starting to shake. “When did that happen?”
“Ever since he came into our studio, that son of a bitch! He’s been snooping around, taking Logan’s contacts and getting in touch with him,” Jeremy said, his hands balled up into fists.
“I’m so sorry,” Alicia said, turning to Sandy. “Can we continue this tomorrow?”
“It’s okay. My session ended quite a while ago, I should get going,” the blonde said, picking up her things. It took her quite a while to pack up, but when she was done, she left straight away.
“Great, that’s just great,” Alicia said, crossing her arms over her chest and fuming. “That bastard came to us once, once. When did he manage to do this much damage?”
“I have no idea,” Jeremy said, scratching his beard. “The two of them must’ve been talking for a while now,” he continued.
It’s just one thing after another. Alicia felt sick to her stomach. The rage was building up in her belly like never before. In her mind’s eyes she could see Straub sneering at her and then laughing, only adding fuel to her wrath. If only she could get her hands on him. Then what would she do? Absolutely nothing. Competitors don’t beat each other up over business. Things just don’t work that way.
“You know it’s really bothering me that Sandy had to see this,” she said after a long pause.
“Well it’s good you stopped me from going absolutely ballistic,” Jeremy said. “I swear I was this close to calling Straub and giving him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s probably not a good idea,” Alicia said, smiling weakly. “Whatever, I just need to go home and lie down for a bit. I can’t process this right now.”
Jeremy moved his head towards her robotically. “I understand,” he said. “I need to lie down, too. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, if we still have clients to work with, that is.”
“Too soon to make those jokes,” Alicia said, disappearing into the corridor.
***
June 10th, 2017
Today was shit. I never really understood the business world. But so far, I’m n
ot a fan. I don’t get why we need to tear each other apart to stay on top. I hate dirty competition. I was never the competitive type, but then again, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am if it weren’t for competition. My dad would’ve never gotten anywhere, either. I wonder what he did to “make it.” I never really asked him that question and, to be honest, I’m too scared to. What if it turns out he screwed someone over to rise to fame? I mean, isn’t that what most people do? They step over each other’s toes?
I wonder if he stole other people’s clients. I wonder if he played victim all those years just so my mom would look like the bad guy. God only knows I used to worship him as a child. And I did, well into my twenties, but then mom passed away and took everything with her. She left a gap that no one else will ever be able to fill, not even my dad. The one I had defended for so long. But I’m not defending him anymore, mom, I’m not.
CHAPTER 11
A week went by and Alicia still wasn’t feeling any better.
She was writing vigorously, smoking often and browsing the internet like there was no tomorrow. She had left it to Jeremy to go to the studio and do all the work for her; she knew it wasn’t fair to him, she knew she had to bounce back eventually. But every day was worse than the one before. In an alternate universe, Gabriella would be the only one keeping her sane right now, but even she wasn’t around. Alicia was this close to having a complete meltdown, one she would probably never bounce back from.
“What time is it, anyway?” Alicia asked herself, rolling over in bed and checking her phone. Nine PM. She hadn’t eaten all day, and neither had she showered. “Jeremy’s gonna kill me,” she said out loud, as if the walls of the room would answer her, comfort her, tell her it was okay.
She thought about seeing a therapist but she didn’t trust anyone with a PhD. Her dad hated doctors, and she had inherited that from him. Even now, when she was closer to hating her dad than any doctor in the world, she still didn’t want to go see a therapist.
“First thing’s first, get out of bed.”
Her phone lit up in the dark, and when Alicia flipped it over, she realized a friend had tagged her in a post.
“What the hell?” she whispered under her breath.
Country star Gabriella Tolken leaves Sawdust mid-tour.
Alicia’s hands were shaking. She squinted at her phone screen, trying to make sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. She scrolled down past pictures of her girlfriend storming out of a building wearing a hoodie and a pair of sunglasses. She was looking down at the ground, trying to avoid all those microphones pointed at her.
Alicia’s entire body shook. It just didn’t make any sense to her. “That’s it, I’m gonna call her,” she said to herself.
The phone rang for what felt like an eternity until the line went dead. Alicia must’ve tried a hundred times, but Gabriella still didn’t answer. That’s when she knew something was up. She thought about calling Devon, but then she cursed herself for even considering that idea. That bastard was probably the cause of all this. Suddenly it dawned on Alicia that she had more enemies than friends. Even worse, suddenly she felt like she didn’t have any friends at all.
“Come on. Pick up, pick up,” she said, clutching the phone in her hands and rolling around in bed impatiently.
Please leave a message.
“Hey, Ella. Please call me as soon as you get this, I’m worried sick about you.”
Alicia sat on the edge of her bed and stared at her feet for what felt like hours. She felt numb, helpless. What was she going to do? Fly over there? Her mind conjured up images of Gabriella suddenly showing up at her doorstep, her legs wobbling underneath her. She imagined she would take her in her arms and tell her she loved her. And that everything was going to be okay. Except Alicia didn’t know if it was going to be okay. In fact, she didn’t know what “it” was.
Alicia reached for her phone for the third time and called Jeremy.
“Hello?”
“Jeremy, did you see the news?” she asked, her voice boiling down to a whisper.
“What? What news?” he asked.
“Wait, I’ll send you a link,” Alicia said, fumbling with her phone.
“I just got it,” he said. There was silence. Alicia could hear crackling on the other end. “Hey, what the fuck?” he said. “Did you try calling Gabriella?”
“I did, but she didn’t answer,” Alicia said, her voice trailing off.
“I can’t believe this,” Jeremy said.
Alicia paced the room frantically. There was a discomfort in her chest, a feeling in her brain like excess caffeine. Then it started to set in deeper. She felt the urge to run, escape, hide. She felt the urge to pack up her things and fly to Gabriella. But she knew it wasn’t possible. Right now she just wanted to jump right out of her skin and join the ether. She felt like a child again; shaking, and terrified. The constricted feelings grew, as if she was entangled by just the air about her.
“Try calling her again?” Jeremy’s voice broke the silence.
“I’m going to keep calling her,” she said. “And you try, too.”
“What do you think happened?” Jeremy asked just as Alicia was about to hang up.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m freaking out.” Her heart was beating fast. “Jeremy, I’m really worried about her.”
“Odds are she probably got into an argument with someone there,” he said. “I think we can both guess who.”
“I don’t care about that, I just want to make sure she’s okay.”
Before Jeremy could answer, the line went dead. Alicia’s thumb hovered over Gabriella’s contact before she dialed her number for what felt like the hundredth time. Still, no answer. Alicia was going crazy. She tried FaceTime, Skype, Facebook, everything. When she checked Gabriella’s Twitter, she realized her account had been deleted. Had she gone ghost on social media, too?
In the grip of silent panic, Alicia broke down. She sank to her knees and started crying, pupils wide, heart racing, brain on fire. If anything happened to Gabriella, she didn’t know what she would do.
Suddenly her phone rang.
“Any luck?” Jeremy asked.
Alicia shook her head before realizing he couldn’t see her. “No.”
“Alright, well, I’m going to keep on trying,” he said. “Alicia, don’t worry. Do you want me to come over there?” he asked.
“No, no. It’s okay,” she said, her voice trembling.
“Are you absolutely sure?” There was silence on the other end. “That’s it, I’m coming over,” he said.
***
“Now her phone is off,” Alicia said, hugging her knees to her chest.
“Typical Gabriella,” Jeremy said. “Going off the grid without expecting people to worry about her.”
“She’s never done this before,” Alicia protested.
“Are you kidding me? A couple of years ago she got into this argument with Sydney over one verse of a song, she ended up storming out of the studio and disappearing for days. She chucked her phone and left us to look for her, until we found her at a run-down motel on Elms Street,” Jeremy said.
Alicia’s heart sank. Sometimes Alicia wondered if she knew Gabriella at all. Every now and again something would happen and it would make her question their relationship. This was definitely one of those times.
“Do you think it was her fault this time?” she asked.
“Not this time,” Jeremy said knowingly. “I’ll bet you anything it has something to do with Straub.”
Alicia slumped back against the wall. There was no use trying Gabriella’s number again. Is that what she wanted? To disappear off the face of the Earth? “Can she be this selfish?” she mumbled under her breath. “Making us go around looking for her? I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Jeremy.”
“Maybe you should take time to think about it,” he said, offering her a cigarette. “Your relationship has been really toxic l
ately, especially for you.”
“This is exactly what I didn’t want to hear,” Alicia said, sighing.
“Hey, don’t give me that. I’m just being realistic here,” Jeremy said.
“I know, I know. Right now I just need to know that she’s safe.”
Jeremy nodded understandingly and leaned back next to her. The two of them must’ve sat there for hours, not uttering a word. In a way, it was comforting knowing Jeremy was there, but deep down, Alicia wished she could have her dad, instead. With his quirky suits, his knee-high stockings and his clarinet. All she wanted was to be with him, and that realization scared her.
Her lips parted but no words came out; soon enough, she found herself dozing off every two seconds. Whenever she looked at Jeremy, he’d be asleep, but then he’d flinch awake, like he had just heard a gunshot.
The entire night was restless sleep, and this time, Alicia’s nightmares were relentless. She was stuck in a spiral staircase; it didn’t matter if she went up or down, she kept coming back to the same spot. A light bulb shone overhead, the only light in the whole place. When she put a foot on a step of the staircase, the light immediately went off and left her in utter darkness. Then she’d be left with two choices, either to go back to her place or walk to the next floor in darkness, only to find herself in the same spot again.
Alicia must’ve woken up at least half a dozen times in the middle of the night, sweating profusely, praying to God her nightmares wouldn’t come back to haunt her. But as soon as her body gave out, she found herself in the same spiral staircase all over again.
***
