by Jessica Kale
The sun shone relentlessly outside. Alicia woke up to the drum of rain on her window pane; tap, tap, tap. Her eyes shot open and she looked around, repeatedly blinking as the room swam in and out of view. She had been frozen in the same uncomfortable position all night, and it was really taking its toll on her this morning.
The world was as silent as it ended in the night. Alicia checked her phone, but there were no missed calls from Gabriella. As Alicia closed her eyes, she felt the heady pull of her nightmares, beckoning her back to play. But she fought them. She fought them with all her might because there was no way she was going to let them haunt her all over again. She begrudgingly rose to her feet; her whole body ached. She staggered towards the window, peering outside at the sidewalk that was to bustle in a few short hours. But for now, all was quiet, all was peaceful.
Except Alicia’s thoughts; they were louder than ever. She tried calling Gabriella one more time, but it was no use. It was like she was stuck in a vicious cycle that she couldn’t get out of, but she needed it to end if she wanted to remain sane. Finally she picked up her phone again, but she didn’t dial Gabriella’s number.
“Hello? Hey, dad,” she said, stepping out into the dewy lawn. “Did I wake you?”
“No, honey,” he said. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing much, I was just hoping we could meet up. Have a little chat in, say, thirty minutes?” she asked.
“Yes!” he said, rather enthusiastically. If Alicia knew him at all, she would say he had been waiting for her phone call for quite a while now.
“Alright, I’ll get dressed right now,” she said with a smile on her face. What Alicia was feeling right now was utter confusion. One day she hated her dad, and the next she was dying to be in his presence. But that didn’t make her crazy, she thought, it just made her human.
***
Alicia smiled when she saw her dad walk in through the door. Immediately she got up and ran to him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close, so close that she could hear his heartbeat. The two had agreed to meet at a diner just around the corner from the studio.
Over the course of Gabriella’s tour, despite being angry at him, Alicia had finally been able to forgive and forget. Daniel Harper had appeared at the studio several times trying to talk to her again, sometimes spending the entire day waiting outside. It was Logan who gave him her number, and she’s been ignoring Daniel for quite a while.
“So,” she said, playing with her fork and knife. “How have you been?”
“Don’t play dumb,” he said. “I know you brought me here to talk about something. So what is it?” he asked.
Alicia chuckled. “Don’t worry about me. I just wanted to apologize for the way I’ve been acting. I was just in a bad place. I still am, really,” she said.
“And why is that?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed. “Did something happen?”
“No, nothing happened,” she said. She knew full well she could get away with that lie. After all, her dad wasn’t a tabloid news kind of guy.
“Well, I still would like to know what’s going on in your life,” he said. “Last time wasn’t exactly, um, fruitful.”
“Yeah,” Alicia said. “Well, right now I produce for a band called Sawdust-”
“I think I heard them on the radio a couple of times before,” her dad said, his eyes flaring up like fireworks. “They’re actually pretty good. You’re their producer?”
Alicia couldn’t help but smile. It was like her dad was in a state of disbelief. “Yeah, I am,” she said. “Their latest album is number one,” she continued.
“You’re kidding me?” Mr. Harper said, taking off his glasses. “And what about the band members? Wait, I’ll Google them.”
Alicia sat back and sipped her coffee in silence. She watched her dad scroll through Google Images, but that was the extent of his technological abilities. “Whoa, my face is on Google Images,” she said, rather to herself.
“Oh, as if you didn’t know?” he said, biting his bottom lip. “Alicia, you’re all over the internet!”
She peered over her father’s shoulder, only to find the photos of Gabriella walking with her hoody on and her hands stuffed in her pockets. It catapulted her to a bad place all over again, a place she didn’t want to be. Deep down she really wanted to tell her dad about what happened -she was so close to breaking down and telling him she had just gotten fired- but she knew she couldn’t disappoint him like that.
“Yeah,” she said. “Now I know what it’s like.”
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I tend to avoid the spotlight at all costs,” he said. “There came a time when there would be people following me around, trying to get my autograph, but not anymore. I’d like to think I got too old for this.” There was a pause. “But you’re still in the prime of your youth. Enjoy the fame while it lasts.”
Alicia knew her dad didn’t like being the center of attention. Except when he was on stage. The man shone. Although her mom rarely took her to his performances, Alicia remembered one of them very distinctly like it was yesterday.
Her dad had snuck her into his performance at a well-known jazz club in Vermont. She remembered watching him from backstage, peering at the grand structure molded to the center left; all shiny, pitch black. He shimmered in the sparkling stage light as if he was the moon on a starry night; bright, beautiful, breath-taking. The music sailed through the air like a wakeful dream; Alicia was around seven, and that was her favorite memory of her father.
“So, tell me more about your life. What else is going on?” he asked, leaning in close to her. There was something in his eyes that made Alicia feel like he was fishing for a certain answer. “You know you’re still my little girl, and I’d like to know if there’s someone right now who’s taking care of you,” he said.
Sirens were starting to go off in Alicia’s mind. Had he heard the radio interview? She was starting to worry. But he seemed so inviting, so warm, so sincere. Alicia just wanted to open up to him, tell him all the things she couldn’t tell her mom. “Well, yes,” she said finally. “There is someone in my life right now, but she’s away on tour.”
There was a pause. Mr. Harper’s lips curved into a mischievous smile. “She?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Alicia said. “I’m dating Gabriella Tolken,” she continued.
Her lips were pursed and her eyes were fixated elsewhere. They darted back and forth, as if waiting for her dad to give her that catastrophic reaction she had been expecting her entire life. But instead, his smile lingered, and with that came an enormous sense of relief. All that tension melted into nothing.
“I’m happy for you,” he said, his eyes locked on hers. But soon enough, Alicia’s smile faded, and then so did his. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Well, Gabriella and I haven’t been on good terms lately,” she said. “And I don’t know how to deal with that.”
Mr. Harper still wore that grin. “You know, I’ll tell you what your mother always used to tell me: compromise. Relationships die without compromise.” He leaned in and patted her on the shoulder. “So my darling Alicia, if she doesn’t want to talk to you for whatever reason, don’t give her the silent treatment. Just talk it out with her, and she’ll open up to you. If she loves you, she’ll open up to you.”
Alicia leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. Her coffee had gone cold, but her heart was warmer than ever. Daniel didn’t know much about her relationship with Gabriella, he didn’t even know about Straub, or Devon, or Dorothy. But he made her feel like he knew it all. Without having to talk, without saying anything, Alicia was understood. She was heard. And she wouldn’t have traded it for the world.
CHAPTER 12
It had been three days since Alicia last heard from Gabriella. And like every day, Alicia woke up with a lump in her throat. Whenever she would feel like the anxiety was taking over, she would call her dad to chat, and he would calm her down.
&nbs
p; She stumbled into the bathroom, ducked her head under a cold jet of water and then looked at herself in the mirror. Her head was throbbing. When a migraine struck, Alicia was its prisoner, quite helpless in her cage of pain.
“That’s what you get,” she mouthed to herself in the mirror. “You just can’t handle your liquor.” She was blinded with flashing colorful spots and craved darkness, quiet and stillness. The pain was throbbing so violently around her skull that she wondered why it wouldn’t just crack open.
Finally Alicia gulped down some pills and stumbled back into her room. It was stuffy and she felt the need to throw the windows open and breathe in some fresh air. Except the air wasn’t fresh. It was humid, soggy, suffocating. Alicia closed the window and retreated back to her room.
Her phone started ringing, catching her by surprise. She jumped across the bed and grabbed it off the nightstand. Gabriella’s name flashed across her screen.
“Hello?” she said, her voice louder than ever. The sound of static filled her ears. “Hello?” she yelled again.
“Hey,” Gabriella’s voice came from the other end.
“Gabriella? Oh, thank God!” Alicia asked, brushing the hair out of her eyes. “I read the tabloids, are you okay? What happened?”
“Alicia, I’m at the bus station right now,” Gabriella said. “I’m back.”
“Wait, what?” Alicia asked, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.
“Yeah, I’ll explain later,” Gabriella said, her tone a mix of defeat and sadness. “Just meet me at the station and I’ll tell you everything.”
***
Alicia hadn’t driven her car in ages. For the first time in a long time, she flew from street to street, weaving her way between cars to get to the bus station before Gabriella potentially broke down. There she was again, flying to her whenever she needed her. A part of her was relieved that Gabriella was okay, but another part was bitter. Even though she didn’t have time to dwell on it, she wondered if things were going to be awkward with Gabriella. She wondered if she would look at her the same. She wondered if things were going to feel different. They definitely felt different now, even when all she could think about was getting Gabriella home safe.
Alicia pulled over in front of the bus station. The crowd flowed down the avenue like a river. The mood of the people swirled in unseen currents beneath the dark surface of their faces. Alicia popped her car door open and looked around for Gabriella. In the distance she spotted a red dot moving alongside other dots. She left her car and ran in her direction, heart beating like a jackhammer. The two of them locked eyes before Gabriella wrapped herself in Alicia’s arms.
“Hey,” she said, trying to ignore all the people bumping into her.
“Hey,” Alicia whispered.
Suddenly everything fell silent. Despite the heaviness in her stomach, her heart fluttered at the feeling of Gabriella’s body pressed against hers. She bathed in her warmth and the smell of freshly laundered clothes. Gabriella could feel the world around her melt away as she squeezed Alicia back, not wanting the moment to end. They clutched at each other’s clothes until their knuckles were burning white. This was it, this was the moment Alicia had been waiting for.
“I’ve missed you,” she whispered into Gabriella’s ear.
Gabriella began to cry. But it was more than crying; it was the kind of desolate sobbing that came from a person drained of all hope. “Hey, hey,” Alicia said, stroking Gabriella’s cheek with the back of her hand. Gabriella was struggling to catch her breath. “Alright, let’s get you to the car.”
The couple weaved their way back to Alicia’s car. They were both silent the entire ride home. Once they parked in front of the house, Alicia rushed around and caught up with Gabriella just as the blonde stepped out of the car.
“Here, let me take your bags,” Alicia said.
The couple walked in silence, and as soon as Gabriella caught a whiff of her house, slumped down on the couch and rested her head on the pillow, she started sobbing again.
“Whoa, whoa,” Alicia said, leaving the bags at the door and running to her. “Will you tell me what happened?”
“Devon kicked me out of the band,” Gabriella said, finally.
“I don’t understand,” Alicia said, shaking her head in confusion. “He has no right to do that. How could he do that?”
“Oh, you don’t know?” Gabriella asked, her eyes boring into Alicia’s.
“Me? How would I know?” she asked, her forehead wrinkled.
“Straub and Dorothy, they’ve been conspiring against me, against us, this entire time,” she said.
First, they fire me, then they poach James Logan, and now this?
That was the breaking point of Alicia’s patience. At that moment, she was blinded by a five-course serving of rage that tasted bitter. “Wait, what happened exactly?” she asked, taking Gabriella’s hand and squeezing it.
“It was the weekend, we were done with the LA shows. We were all chilling by the pool when Devon said he wanted to talk to me.” There was a pause. Gabriella started to tear up again. Alicia’s grip on her hand tightened. “He took me to the bar and then he said Straub and Dorothy haven’t been very happy with my performance lately. That I’m sloppy, unorganized, a bit all over the place.”
“I know for a fact that you’re not like that,” Alicia said, folding both arms across her chest.
“Anyway, I went back to my room that day feeling like shit. I couldn’t sleep all night because I was wondering what I did wrong; all our shows were sold out, the fans seemed to go crazy every time we got up on that stage,” she said. “I was having a hard time falling asleep, so I started pacing, and that was when I heard Straub and Dorothy talking outside my room, saying things like 'she needs to go,’ or something like that. I didn’t really connect the dots until later.”
“They were on the tour?” Alicia asked. “That’s impossible. Straub’s been snooping around the studio ever since you’ve been gone.”
“They fly in and out,” Gabriella waved. “It doesn’t matter. All that matters was that a few days later we were having lunch together when Dorothy pulled me aside and said she needed to talk to me. That’s when I got defensive. I kept telling her I was giving it my one hundred percent, and that I didn’t understand why they kept ambushing me,” Gabriella said. “Then out of the blue appears Straub, and he too says he needs to talk to me.”
Those bastards, they’ve been plotting behind our backs this entire time. “Then what did he say?”
“He said that he thinks I go up on stage drunk, which is anything but true,” Gabriella said, her eyes swelling up with tears all over again. “He kept accusing me of drinking before every performance, which I swear on my life I didn’t do.”
“Of course you didn’t! Ella, don’t you see? They’re just trying to rule us out of their plans. Their plans don’t include us anymore,” Alicia said.
“But they include Devon?” she asked, her eyes wide. “That son of a bitch came up to me the morning after and flat out told me they don’t need me anymore. That I’m getting in the way of their new vision for the band.”
“As if Devon has vision!” Alicia snapped. “That motherfucker would do anything for money.”
“Dorothy’s definitely behind this,” Gabriella said, shaking her head in disapproval. “I never really liked that woman.”
“Neither did I,” Alicia said.
The two of them sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts. Alicia tried to imagine what Gabriella was going through. The hell she had to endure. How she wasn’t there for her through it all. Suddenly all her anger dissipated like water in sand; she wasn’t upset anymore, she wasn’t hurt. Gabriella never apologized, but Alicia forgave her, anyway. Just seeing her like this made Alicia’s heart ache.
“Why is this happening?” Alicia asked, burying her face in her hands. The silence settled over them like a cloud.
“I don’t want to talk about this r
ight now, not anymore,” Gabriella said. She rested her head on Alicia’s lap and closed her eyes. “Let’s talk about something else. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” Alicia said. For the first time in months, the words felt genuine.
“What’s been going on with you?” Gabriella asked, raising her eyes to Alicia.
“Well,” she hesitated for a moment before she spoke again, “my dad came to visit me at the studio.”
“What?” Gabriella asked, throwing her legs off the couch and staring at Alicia, her eyes wide. “And you’re just telling me this now?”
What, like you were even picking up?
“You were just so busy, with the tour and everything,” Alicia said. “But, yeah, I’m telling you now.”
Gabriella nodded and looked away. Alicia’s eyes jumped straight to her hands. She was playing with her rings, a sign that she was nervous. But what was she going to do? Fly over there just so she could tell her? Alicia really didn’t want to spark a fight right now. “Anyway we talked for hours and he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say,” she said.
“Really?” Gabriella asked. Her eyes were alight. “And what did you talk about? Did you tell him more about your job? What does he do now, anyway?”
Alicia giggled. “Well, I told him about my job as a producer, but I never mentioned that Straub’s firing me soon.”
Gabriella’s face dropped to a scowl. “We don’t have to talk about this right now,” she said.
“Right. So we caught up for an entire day, we talked about my job, and his job, we even took a little trip down memory lane.”
“You know, sometimes I wish I could do that with my dad,” Gabriella said. Her eyes were fixated on the floor tiles, and they weren’t moving. “Was it awkward talking to your dad after all this time?”
“The surprising thing is that it wasn’t,” Alicia said, brushing a hand through her hair and putting her feet up on the couch. “In a way it felt like I was a different person, but he was the same,” she continued. “It must’ve been weirder for him, talking to me after all this time. He didn’t change much, except that most of his hair’s fallen out,” she snickered.
