by L. B. Reyes
“She’s trying,” Evie whispered. “She’s trying very fucking hard and needs a job to prove to herself that she can do this, Derek. We’re her family—”
I tsked, angering her further. “You’re her family. Not me. I don’t owe her anything.”
I’d never truly discussed my and Hannah’s relationship with Evelyn. I didn’t like talking about it; I doubted anyone was a fan of remembering being lied to and treated like an idiot. I knew she knew, but some things were better left unsaid.
“Maybe not,” she agreed. “But everyone deserves a second chance.”
“I gave her one too many,” I said, my gaze falling back on Hannah. She stood, running her hands over her arms. She almost seemed nervous. “I can’t spare another one of those, and I won’t risk it. She’ll ruin my business and make my life miserable while she’s at it.”
“Don’t talk that way,” Evie hissed. “She’s my sister.”
The reminder that they were raised as such angered me. I missed out years of Evelyn’s life because my mother had given her away. Now, I tried to make up for lost time while dealing with Hannah’s return. They’d always be sisters, and I could respect that. But that meant seeing Hannah constantly and having to face the relationship we once had.
“And I’m your brother.” I raised an eyebrow. “You can’t blame me for being cautious, Evelyn. You know it’s a risk and that nothing guarantees that she won’t go back to her old ways. Aren’t you even the slightest bit scared?”
Another death glare.
“I know what she’s done in the past, but I also know who she is now,” Evie said with so much conviction it astounded me. There was not a single doubt in her voice.
She’d grown into a strong woman, and I was fucking proud of being her brother. Not only was she strong but also stubborn. I knew she wasn’t going to let the subject drop.
“You trust her,” I realized.
The thought of Hannah betraying her again put me on edge. Evie handled things with more grace than anyone else had. The Nicholsons were in jail and would stay there for a while, yet the consequences remained.
The once-unafraid girl would be easily startled now, and sometimes, she’d have nightmares. I knew a lot of it was my fault. Had I not gotten involved with crazy Mama Nicholson and her psycho kid, she wouldn’t have this problem. Now, my main concern was protecting her.
She was my little sister, after all, and technically the only family I had left. I wouldn’t allow her to get hurt again, even if it meant protecting her from Hannah.
Our mother was dead and our older brother was a deadbeat. We’d all been through enough.
“You need to be careful with her,” I advised, placing my hands on her shoulders. Her gaze lowered. “I know you want this to work out, and for you, I do hope it happens, Evie, but you can’t trust her blindly.”
“I know,” she replied, glancing over to where Hannah was.
She still looked the same as I remembered—her hair, those eyes, her lips. Everything about her appeared the same but—
“She’s changed, Derek.” Evie interrupted my train of thoughts. “I know she has.”
Sighing, Evie played with her curls, one of the many traits she’d gotten from our mother.
“I’m going to head out now,” she said, giving me a hug. I placed a kiss at the top of her head and felt her sigh once again. “I’m going to help her keep looking.”
“Where are you taking her?” I asked.
Curiosity.
That’s all.
Evie shrugged. “I’m not sure. I know she can do some volunteer work at the juvie center, but that’s not paid, and I’m not sure if Tom can help. I’ll figure something out.”
I nodded. “I’ll visit tonight.”
Evie smiled, and I placed an arm around her shoulders as we walked back to where Hannah waited with Lily.
Hannah stood up straight when she saw me, tilting her head upward slightly to show the proud and confident woman she was. For a moment, I was awestruck. It infuriated me to have all the memories present.
Her big brown eyes met mine, and again, like earlier, I saw her breathing hitch slightly. I refused to react.
She must have seen something in the way I looked at her because Hannah turned away, her lips pressed together.
“I was telling her we need a couple of waitresses,” Lisa said. I glared at her, her hazel eyes widening. “My bad,” she muttered. “I’m just going to walk…over there…somewhere…”
I suppressed a snort. Lisa was always a very outgoing woman, but it wasn’t the moment for her jokes.
“We should get going,” Evie said to Hannah. Her voice was full of compassion, a subtle way of telling her my decision.
“Oh.” Hannah nodded, avoiding my gaze at all costs.
As humans, we have this thing called a conscience. At that moment, I wasn’t too fond of it. There was something about her expression before that seemed different. I hadn’t been able to pinpoint what it was until now.
She’d been hopeful.
I ignored the guilt, turning my attention to Lily. “I’ll see you later, Lily.”
“Are you coming to my house?”
I nodded, pinching her cheek. “I’ll be there later.”
Lily grinned.
“Around dinner time?” Evie asked, once again standing next to Hannah to offer her support.
“Sure.” I smiled.
I took a step back, ready to walk away, when I heard her voice.
“It’s good to see the business doing well.”
Hannah’s cheeks flushed, whether from embarrassment or something else, I wasn’t sure.
“Yeah, it is going well.”
No thanks to you.
“So…it’s a no, right?”
There was something in her attitude that made me want to tell her yes. I couldn’t, though. Maybe it was pride, something I’d criticized her for having too much of. Now I fought it myself.
“Did you expect it to be a yes?”
“Derek,” Evelyn hissed, her eyes wide and stunned.
Hannah swallowed but stood tall without saying a single word. I’d always admired that trait in her. She was strong and fearless, or at least, she was good at keeping up the façade.
“It’s okay, Evie. I’m just going to wait in the car.”
“Go with your aunt,” Evie told my niece.
She waited until they had walked out the door before addressing me. Furious, Evelyn poked me with her index finger. Not threatening, but not quite the nice little sister I knew.
“If you show up today, you better be nice,” she said. I opened my mouth to say something, but she stopped me. “I’m serious, Derek. I will not have you two arguing in front of Lily. If you don’t want to talk to Hannah, don’t. But you sure as hell won’t be talking to her like that in front of my daughter.”
She was right, of course.
“Do you understand, Derek?”
I raised my hands in surrender. “Got it.”
Without a further word, Evelyn walked out the door. I groaned, running a hand over my face.
This day had started out way too complicated for my taste.
“You look like you need a drink,” Lisa said. I didn’t have to look at her to picture the smug grin on her face. She loved drama.
“More like the whole fucking bottle.”
“Yeah, well…we both know you can’t go down that road again.”
I swallowed, knowing all too well she was right.
It was tempting, though.
“To be honest, I think you should have given her the job.”
That caught my attention.
“Why is that?”
Lisa rolled her eyes, placing a hand on her waist. “She really looked like she wanted to work. Call me the devil’s advocate, but we need the personnel too.” She shrugged, smirking. “It works out. Almost like it’s meant to be.”
“Not happening. She was in jail for fraud.”
She grinned.
“You’re an alcoholic and work around wines. I don’t see a problem.”
I gritted my teeth. I cared for Lisa, but she drove me fucking insane. “You don’t know her.”
“The way I see it, neither do you,” she said, pushing a chair. “She’s been gone for years, no? Or so that’s what she said. People change.”
“What if she hasn’t?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “What do I do then?”
“Fire her. Duh.” Lisa bit her lip. “It’s not too complicated, Derek.”
Lisa stepped in front of me, always understanding, and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Life is only as hard and complicated as you make it. There’s no need for that…no need for grudges. Maybe if you let go of whatever it is you have against her, you’ll finally move on with your life.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I replied, still glaring at her.
“Just trying to help my friend. You’re the only one hurting yourself. Don’t do it anymore.”
CHAPTER 5
Hannah
I never understood the point of going out for walks. I rarely had time for them and didn’t care for them. There was a time in which Nana would tell me that I needed to go out and relax, that even taking a walk would help.
At that time in my life, I hadn’t really cared for her opinion, though I knew she was right.
Now, as I walked through the city, I understood.
I knew exactly what to expect when I realized we were going to Derek’s restaurant, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed. Thankfully, NYC had plenty of parks and areas where I could try to clear my mind and think about what I was going to do.
However, after a couple of hours walking through the city, I still didn’t have a solution. I decided that the next day, I would go around to every restaurant, bar, and everything in between, to try and get a job. I would also put my resume out there, though I knew the possibilities of working anywhere where my experience was useful were slim to none.
I arrived back at the house after a while, surprised when I didn’t see Evie getting anything ready for dinner. In the few days I’d been there, I had learned that she was very meticulous about getting everything ready—not in an obnoxious way, like I used to, but in a “she wants everyone to be as comfortable as possible” way.
I walked over to the kitchen, where Nathan stood by the stove mixing up something. It smelled delicious.
“Hey,” I said uncomfortably. We weren’t exactly talking, so interactions with him were odd.
“Hey.” He gave me small smile as I took a water bottle out of the fridge.
“Where’s Evie?” I asked.
Nathan turned around, facing me. He seemed concerned and tense. “She’s sleeping. Pregnancy has been a bit tiring for her this time around.”
I frowned. “Oh. Is she okay?”
“Yeah. It’s normal, for her anyways, so I’m letting her rest a bit before dinner.”
I nodded, understanding this was his way of taking care of her. Awkwardly, I glanced at the pan on the stove.
“Pasta?” I asked.
“Simple.” He shrugged, looking around the kitchen, as if trying to direct his attention elsewhere. “Do you want to help me set up the table?”
I smiled, feeling a little bit more relaxed that he wasn’t telling me to get out. He couldn’t trust me, but hopefully, we could be comfortable enough for us not to be so awkward around each other. I took out the plates for dinner and heard Nathan talking again.
“Listen, I’m sorry Derek didn’t give you the job.”
I stopped what I was doing.
I couldn’t quite believe that those words were coming out of Nathan’s mouth. I blinked, trying to regain my composure. “It’s fine. I didn’t think he’d give me the job, anyways.”
Nathan snorted. “I swear, if I would have known Evie was going to do this…” This time he chuckled, shaking his head. “Well, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because she would have taken you, anyways. You know her.”
“It’s fine.” His loyalty lies with Derek and Evelyn. Nathan didn’t owe me a single thing. I was surprised he was even sorry and not saying “I told you so.”
When my relationship with Derek started, Nathan had been caught off guard by the fact that I would even consider having an affair, seeing how I had been always so guarded. But when he’d caught Derek and me in bed, rather than judging us, Nathan had set out making sure he wasn’t just using me and that my feelings for Derek were real.
They had been.
I’d always cared for him so much.
Who am I kidding?
I’d loved him.
Just like I had loved him, though, I ruined it.
“Was it awkward?”
He seemed sorry for me.
“Yeah, a bit. I didn’t expect him to give me the job, but I kind of had hope.”
“I know,” he said. “Look, I may be able to work something out at the gallery for a while, at least until you get a job that you want or something.”
I shook my head. “I appreciate it, Nate, but I know absolutely nothing about art. Your gallery is doing amazing. I don’t want to ruin it.”
“Just let me know. I’ll try to help.”
***
I wasn’t ready.
Derek walked into the house with such confidence and ease it almost destroyed me. Every part of my body and every fiber in my being despised feeling so vulnerable. There was no reason for me to feel this way—nothing would happen between Derek and me again, yet he still made me weak.
I wanted to say so many things.
Actually, there was one thing I was dying to say, and I was terrified I would blurt it out in a very inappropriate moment.
I’m sorry.
The words were there, aching to come out.
Apologies wouldn’t fix anything. They wouldn’t take back the pain I had caused him or erase the memory of the damage I’d done. But if he knew, God, if only he knew how sorry I was for everything I did to him, maybe, just maybe, he could forgive me.
I didn’t expect us to be friends, not at all. But knowing he’d forgiven me would give me peace.
Maybe I was free, yet I remained a prisoner of my guilt.
Knowing I’d hurt so many people was perhaps more damaging than physically being in jail. There, at least I felt like I was paying for whatever I did. Out here, I felt like I had been given a chance I didn’t deserve.
I sighed, moving around the pasta on my plate with the fork. Vaguely, I registered Derek’s voice as he spoke to Carter, who had also come over for dinner.
Derek laughed, and my heart ached as I remembered happier times, times in which I was the reason for his laughter. Now, I was nothing but a cruel reminder of his pain.
I had been the reason for his suffering.
It hurt to have him so close.
You still love him.
I didn’t think I could have ever stopped loving him, even if I tried. Stupidly, I’d chosen money and had ended up empty-handed. There I was, without a penny and without the man I loved.
You’re an idiot.
“…doesn’t like the food.” I glanced up, my eyebrows raised in surprise when Carter’s voice caught my attention.
“Huh?”
“It looks like you don’t like the food, dear,” Carter said, smiling. “Are you okay?”
Surprised a man that I treated badly for so many years had shown concern, I sat straight.
“I’m fine,” I replied, feeling heat rush to my cheeks when I felt everyone’s eyes on me, including Derek’s.
With the thoughts rushing through my mind, I realized it was only a matter of seconds before I broke down in front of them. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I set my napkin on the table and pushed my chair back as I stood.
“I’m sorry, I don’t really have much of an appetite,” I said, forcing a smile.
Briefly, I met Derek’s eyes, which held the slightest bit of concern in them.
“Are you okay?” Evie as
ked, her forehead creased with worry.
“Yeah, yeah, I am. Don’t worry about me. I’m just going outside to get some fresh air. Enjoy dinner, okay?”
I didn’t give anyone time to say anything else. They didn’t notice the break in my voice, but I felt it. I refused to cry in front of them. I refused to cry, period.
If you cry, people will know you’re weak. You can’t allow that. Weakness gets you nowhere.
I closed my eyes, sitting down on the chair in front of the house. My mother’s words echoed in my head, and for that moment, I resented her. So far, I had been pretty good about not hating her, but the fact that I couldn’t allow myself to feel this pain reminded me of the impact her words always had in my life.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel but wouldn’t allow myself.
It made me feel worthless.
The little bit of common sense I still had reminded me I could change this if I wanted to.
If this little bit made me feel horrible, I couldn’t even imagine the amount of pain I would feel if I let in all the guilt. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
You should be in jail.
You’re just going to fall back…be the same.
My brain played games with my heart. Mocked it.
It was annoying, and yet so tempting, to do the same thing. It would have been easier and safer to block out my feelings and avoid this ache.
“Evelyn is wondering if you want dessert.”
I looked up, smiling when I saw Carter’s tender gaze.
“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”
He sat next to me, looking up toward the dark sky.
“How’s your dad doing?”
I smiled. “He’s in Pennsylvania still.”
“When is he visiting you? It’s been a while since you have seen him, right?”
Dad didn’t want to be around. He was too ashamed. “I’m not sure if he’s ever visiting.”
Carter placed his hand on my knee, offering me comfort and understanding.
“I’m sure he will. Your dad cares about you very much.”
I didn’t say anything. There was a time in my life when I’d wondered that. Did my dad ever care? If he had cared, maybe he would have stopped my mom from doing so many things. Maybe he was too afraid. Or maybe he really didn’t ever give a fuck.
