by L. B. Reyes
I buried my face in my hands, wanting nothing else but to disappear. I heard Derek saying something, and Blake responding, my father chipping in his two cents, and then Lisa telling everyone to calm down.
He doesn’t believe me.
The thought made me choke up. I wanted to ask him why, wanted to know if nothing I’d done was enough, but I was too much of a coward.
Lisa, who’d I considered my friend, who I trusted from the start doubted me.
“Can I get a minute alone with Derek?”
Derek seemed taken aback by my request but soon turned his surprise to his emotion of preference: anger.
“Get your shit on the way out,” he snarled toward Blake and my dad.
I couldn’t look at them. I was too ashamed. Lisa also walked out without me asking her to, and for that I was thankful, because her doubt hurt almost as much as Derek’s. Once the door closed and we were left alone, I stood up, thinking of what to say. I didn’t think anything I did say mattered, but it had to count for something.
Instead, Derek spoke up, this time angrily. “Again, Hannah? Really?”
With disbelief, I finally found the courage to reply. “You can’t possibly believe I did that, Derek. After everything we’ve been through? Why would I do that now? After all this time?”
“Look at the damn fucking dates, Hannah,” he spat, running his hands through his hair desperately. “Every single day the money was taken, you were here. Every time, you signed off on the transactions. I know you’ve been giving him money, I’m not fucking stupid, so just admit it.”
“I didn’t do it,” I said, my voice breaking. “I didn’t do anything, Derek. I’ve been working hard. You’ve seen me. But not once have I taken a penny from you.”
“I thought you’d changed,” he whispered. I heard the disappointment in his voice. It cut through me like the sharpest of knives. And yet it didn’t hurt as much as the pain of knowing he didn’t trust me. The day had started full of promise and now it was…gone. It dissipated into thin air. “You said you’d changed.”
“I didn’t say I’d changed, I fucking showed you, Derek.” I was trying desperately to hold on to the threads of sanity I had left, but like Derek, it also seemed to be slipping away. “Have I given you reasons to doubt me?”
Derek seemed to look at me. Not just toward me, but he finally seemed to understand.
“Derek, please, please think about it.” I approached him, placing my hands on his face, forcing him to focus on me. He was hurting, rightfully so, but he needed to see the truth. Derek had to know I wouldn’t ever hurt him again. “Why would I do this? Think about it: after everything we’ve been through, why would I do this now? Our lives are barely starting. Please, please believe me. I love you.”
I was hopeful…
Until he stepped away from my touch.
The bright colors of our future faded, now replaced by pitch black charcoal. It had all been a dream, I realized. My life with him, what I had seen in my future, had been nothing more than a dream. A silly, stupid dream that only ignorant and naïve girls dared to have. A dream that would never come true for me.
I pushed back a sob, wiping away the foolish tears that appeared.
“Just…you should go home,” Derek said.
Home.
“Do you even want me there?” I asked. “There’s no point in me being there if you don’t trust me.”
“Well…I’ve talked to Evie, and she’s not too happy about this, so it’s not like you have many places to go.”
“You told Evie?” This time I didn’t try to hide my pain. If Evie knew…
I’d hurt her too much already.
“Evie deserves to know. She needs to be careful. She deserves a warning.”
I sniffled, picking up my purse. “You should have just called the cops, Derek.”
He smirked. “Not worth it.”
His words broke me. They shattered the last bit of hope I had.
“I’ll just go,” I said. I was done with everything. I was so tired. So upset.
What was the point of trying to be better when everyone still doubted me? I couldn’t even begin to think what Evie thought of me. I turned around, already walking toward the door when Derek stopped me.
“You’re seriously not even going to try to deny it?” he asked, disappointment in his voice. “You’re not even going to try?”
“I shouldn’t have to, Derek.”
I wanted to beg. With every piece of my shattered heart, I wanted to beg him to believe me, to give him a chance to prove it wasn’t me who hurt him. I wanted to beg for his love.
But I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
I’d done everything possible to prove to everyone I’d changed. My gaze met his one more time, wishing he’d apologize, or at least ask me what I thought what was going on.
But none of that came.
I took my pain and the last bit of my dignity, finally walking out of the office in tears. I knew everyone looked at me; I could feel their cruel stares, their judging eyes thinking they knew me. Thinking I’d done it again.
They knew nothing.
I forced my body to move despite my need to fall to the floor in attempt to hold myself together. I’d known heartbreak; I’d known pain.
But this was unbearable.
I felt abandoned. I felt deceived. Because maybe they’d never believed me; maybe they had doubts all along.
“Hannah! Hannah, wait!”
I didn’t turn around, though I knew who it was. I ignored Lisa’s voice. I ignored Blake’s. I didn’t—couldn’t—do this anymore.
But a hand took hold of me and turned me around, pulling me into his arms.
I gave up. I didn’t fight the onslaught of grief that took over, no longer tried to be okay.
“Don’t cry here.” Blake’s voice was quiet, soothing. I could barely hear him, but the way he spoke, stern, told me exactly what I needed to hear.
They don’t deserve your tears.
Nodding, I wiped them away once again and walked with his arm surrounding my shoulders.
Blake didn’t ask anything, didn’t say anything at all.
I completely broke down as soon as we were in the car.
He drove a mile or two away from the restaurant and then he pulled over. He took his seat belt off, wrapping his arms around me. I was destroyed because, in a matter of seconds, I realized the progress I’d made and the things I thought had changed hadn’t. The pain was so suffocating I could hardly breathe. I thought I was a fighter, stronger than anything.
I wasn’t.
Because sometimes pain was stronger. Sometimes life was cruel. And there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.
“I want this to go away,” I sobbed. “Nothing, nothing’s been worth it.”
“Not true,” Blake whispered.
I couldn’t say anything to that. I let myself grieve for the love I thought I had, which I’d lost. I cried for the humiliation I’d faced. I didn’t know if I could recover from this; I wasn’t sure I knew how to.
“Do you want me to take you to your place?” Blake asked, not letting go of me. “Or do you want to come with me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure I have anywhere to go anymore.” The admission was painful. I couldn’t stay at Derek’s; he clearly didn’t want me there. And with Evie…I could pick up what was left of my stuff.
I couldn’t bother Blake, though. He’d lost his job too, and he had a kid. I’d caused enough trouble.
“It’s okay. Just take me to my sister’s.” He nodded, placing a kiss at the top of my head. “I’m so sorry you got dragged into this. I don’t know if my dad did it but—”
“You don’t have to apologize,” he said. “Something better will come along. And for the record, I don’t think your dad did it.”
“You don’t?”
“Doesn’t seem like he’d pull something like this off, at least not alone.” He shook his head, placing the car back in drive agai
n. This was frightening, knowing I’d also have to face Evie. I didn’t think I could deal with so much confrontation in one day.
When we arrived, I realized I didn’t have much of a choice. I thanked Blake, letting him know I’d call him if I heard anything else. I knew I wouldn’t, at least not anything good.
I opened the door to the house with a sigh, wanting, hoping…praying that I’d be lucky enough to have Evie by my side.
Then I saw her, and all of that was gone too.
She was furious. So angry she’d been crying.
“You know, right?”
She scoffed, running a hand over her tired face. “What a fucking shame. I don’t think I’ve been this disappointed before.”
I bit the inside of my lip.
How foolish could I be? Of course, she didn’t believe me. Evie had no reason to, not after everything I’d put her through before. At that point, I was just so tired…there was no more fight left in me.
“I’m just, I just need to get a change of clothes and I’ll leave, okay?” Evie’s eyes filled with tears, but she avoided my gaze.
I took my first steps toward the stairs, saying the only thing I could. “I’m so, so sorry, Evie.”
And then I started packing.
Chapter 38
Hannah
I didn’t have much at Evie’s house. Most of my stuff was already at Derek’s anyway, so I was glad I at least didn’t need luggage. Not that it mattered, really. I could hardly see through my tears, could barely even hear my thoughts with the echoing of Derek’s hurtful words in my head. Unable to hold myself up, I placed my hands on the bed, my body trembling with every sob that escaped.
My body gave up on me, and I sat on the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest and crying. It didn’t feel like I’d ever stop. I wanted to do something, anything to make it go away because I didn’t think this much pain was possible to live with. I didn’t think anyone should. My mind went to a place it had only been in once…
What was the point?
What was the fucking point?
There was no point to this. I was alone in a world that only pointed out my mistakes. I was alone in a world that saw nothing good in me.
What is the point?
I wanted so badly to just…disappear.
I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep going through the pain and heartbreak. My heart couldn’t handle it anymore. Every tear and scar, every wound bled more than the one before…and I just couldn’t. Not anymore. I didn’t want to anymore.
I ached. Every crack in my heart, I could feel them now.
I wanted to numb it but couldn’t. I wanted it all to end.
I stood, walking over to the restroom, though I knew I shouldn’t have. But my mind…it told me it would be better that way. I’d be numb.
It would all be over.
That’s what I wanted after all.
My feet moved me along.
This was what I needed to do.
Everything else was just white noise, except for the one thought that clouded my judgement.
I’d destroyed my mother’s life.
Destroyed Evelyn’s.
I’d hurt Derek, time and time again.
Eventually I’d hurt precious Lily…
I’m not worth it.
My hand went to the small mirror next to the kitchen sink, and by throwing it, just once, the glass on it shattered.
Do it.
End it.
I picked up one of the shards of glass, knowing that if I did this, there’d be no turning back. But then there’d be no more pain…
And it was all I wanted.
I didn’t want to feel it anymore.
I held it in the palm of my hand, staring at it for a few brief moments.
This small object could stop it all.
My shaking fingers picked it up, and I slid down to the restroom floor, pressing the glass against the delicate skin of my wrists, until the bright color of blood started to trickle down. I didn’t even feel the pain.
“Oh, my…Hannah, what the fuck?”
My head snapped up only to find Evelyn staring down at me with a terrified expression. I wasn’t sure why she was so worried, couldn’t figure it out until I heard Lily’s voice right outside my bedroom.
“Go over there, please, Lily,” she said, her voice breaking.
“But Mom, Aunt Hannah—”
“Lily, please,” Evie said, frantically picking up a hand towel and wrapping it around my wrist. “Remember when I taught you to call 911? In an emergency?”
“What are you doing?” I croaked out, confused as to why there was the mention of emergency. This wasn’t emergency. “Evie—”
“No, Hannah, no,” she said, putting pressure on my wrists. “Oh my God, why? Why would you do this?”
I heard Lily’s soft voice, so precious. So innocent.
But what she was saying was nothing but innocent.
What the hell am I doing?
“Someone is hurt in my house…I don’t know. I think it’s my aunt…”
I blinked once, twice, taking in my sister’s expression. Her face was completely pale, and her hands trembled. It wasn’t until I realized her arm was around me that I realized she was holding me, trying to comfort me.
I don’t understand.
“I didn’t mean you,” she kept repeating through her sobs. “It wasn’t you…I didn’t mean you, Hannah.”
What?
“I’m sorry, Hannah,” she cried, hugging me close to her. “I’m sorry. I thought you needed to be alone. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me. Please, please, please…please don’t do this. Please…”
I reached up to her, wrapping my arm around her the best way I could. Her hold around me tightened, and finally, I allowed myself to feel again. A wounded scream tore through my throat, one that hurt me to the core…but I couldn’t help it.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered over and over. “I’m so, sorry. Please don’t leave…please, Hannah. Don’t give up. You can’t…”
***
Lily was confused. She didn’t know what was happening or why there were so many paramedics in the house. Nathan had rushed over and was in the hallway with her, holding her while Evie stood across the room, her hands running up and down her arms. The paramedics wanted to take me to the ER, but the wound wasn’t deep enough to warrant that.
I didn’t want to go.
They ended up taking me to the hospital for evaluation regardless of what I wanted. Evie promised to remain by my side every second, and she did.
I’d scared the shit out of her.
The night I returned home, she still refused to leave me alone.
“Come here,” I said quietly, patting the side of the bed. She did so, taking a seat and trying to hold back her tears. “I’m sorry, I—”
“No, don’t apologize,” she interrupted. “I know you’re going through a lot, I just…I can’t lose you, Hannah. It was…please…If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. I’m always here. I’ve always been here, always will be. But please, I am begging you, if you feel like you can’t handle it, tell me. We’ll look for help.”
Evie.
I gave her a small smile. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” I tried not to cry but figured there was nothing to lose. I had to mourn, at least for a little while. “I thought everyone would be better off,” I admitted.
“No,” she whispered. “Deborah? Carter? Lily…they—we—all love you so much. It wouldn’t be easier.” Evie sniffled, cuddling next to me on the bed. It had been years, since we were little girls since she’d done this, but the moment reminded me so much of when we were little and she’d sneak in my room and sleep with me. “Besides, Lily needs someone to spoil her rotten, and it can’t be me because I’m her mom. She needs her aunt for that.”
I laughed softly. “I was overwhelmed, and I thought that you didn’t believe me. I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Of course, I belie
ve you,” she replied. “I meant I was disappointed in Derek, but you…I know you wouldn’t do that. You love him. I know you do.”
I nodded, resting my head on her shoulder. “Don’t tell him. He’s going through enough. I don’t want him to know I did this.”
Derek was already so confused, perhaps even more lost than I was. He didn’t need to know this. I’d get through it, eventually, and when I did, when I got out of this hellhole I was in, maybe we’d be able to fix things.
Realistically, I knew we may not.
Either way, it was clear I needed to find a way to move on.
They care for me.
“Evie?”
“Hm?”
“I understand if you don’t want, but could I see Lily? Just a little bit.”
Evie’s gaze softened, and she walked over to the door, calling out for Nathan and Lily. She must have been exhausted, because her fingers rubbed her temples, and she seemd tired and worn out.
It changed when Lily rushed in, though, jumping on to the bed despite Nathan telling her not to. He forgot about that soon, though, and hugged Evie holding her tight against his chest while his saddened gaze was fixed on me.
I knew she was crying.
But Lily hugged me, and suddenly, everything felt just a little bit better.
“Are you okay, Aunt Hannah? Are you hurt?”
I brushed her curly hair away from her face, looking into her beautiful gray eyes. “I’m okay now, baby,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
She curled up next to me, her small arms wrapping around me. “I’m spending the night with you,” she stated.
I saw Nathan raise an eyebrow, but then he smiled. “As long as it’s okay with you, she can stay.”
“I don’t mind,” I replied.
They all stayed. Lily fell asleep on my bed while Evie fell asleep on Nathan’s lap while he stroked her hair. His eyes were closed, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. He was on Evie-Lily-Hannah watch.
“She wouldn’t have gotten through it, you know?” he murmured, his fingers caressing Evie’s face tenderly. “I don’t think she would have ever been able to come back from it.”
I swallowed, sitting up quietly to not wake up Lily up, my gaze falling on the bandages wrapped around my wrist.
