by L. B. Reyes
“I’m so fucked up,” I whispered.
Finally, Nathan opened his eyes and smiled. “We’re all a little fucked up, Hannah. But you have to see that despite all the mess, you’re still loved. You’re still cared for.” In the darkness I could see his eyes shine, and I knew he meant it. “You made a mistake years ago, paid your dues. That’s worth admiring, and for the record, we do. We can’t force you to see it, though. You need to believe you deserve this second chance because we can’t live your life for you. It’s a gift. Your gift. And a lot of people care for you, myself included.”
“It seemed easy.”
“It would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
I looked up at the ceiling, swallowing thickly when another tear escaped. I wanted to say so much, yet no words came out. For the longest time, I just laid there thinking. Feeling. It all hurt.
I wanted to turn back time, be a child.
“It’s going to be okay,” Nathan said. I thought he’d fallen asleep, but to my surprise, he was there, still awake.
“You can go to sleep. I won’t do anything crazy.”
“You sleep first,” Nathan said, and I could tell he was smiling. I wrapped my arms around Lily and closed my eyes, finally allowing sleep to take over.
It’s going to be okay.
Chapter 39
Hannah
A few days passed since my incident, and though I was still hurt, physically, the wound was getting better. Emotionally, some days were better than others. But today…everything was okay. It felt like a new beginning. Lily laid on the grass next to me, drawing what she said was the sunset while Evie walked around with Nathan, hand in hand.
She’d been stuck to me like glue, afraid I’d try to do something crazy again, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t one hundred percent okay, but I was better now.
There were many reasons to keep going.
My attempt remained a secret between all of us and Carter because Deborah and Frank didn’t need the extra concern and I had no one else. Except my father.
He’d rushed over as soon as Nathan called him.
It didn’t mean I didn’t think disappearing was a better option. Sometimes the cruel thought would carve its way into my head, trying to get me to succumb to it, but I refused.
When it happened, I would search out Lily. She was my medicine. Her smile was enough to give me the motivation I needed, the hope I so desperately searched for.
I hadn’t seen Derek’s since our fallout. I knew he’d relapsed. No one told me I just…knew.
And though I knew it was best that I didn’t ask, curiosity got the best of me.
Evie took a seat next to me, and Lily ran off to Nathan, who picked her up in his arms and spun her around.
I smiled.
They were happy.
“Can I ask you something?”
Evie nodded, picking on the grass.
“Have you talked to Derek?”
Evie sighed, turning away briefly before clearing her throat. “I talk to him every day, but things are weird between us.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. “He doesn’t listen.”
“I’m sorry for all this,” I whispered, and Evie rolled her eyes.
Here came another lecture.
“You really need to stop apologizing, Han. We’re all adults here, and if Derek decided things were going to be this way, so be it. I’ll always be here for him, but I can’t help him if he doesn’t want it.”
“I know, but—”
“But nothing,” she said, extending her hand and squeezing mine. “I’ll be here when he comes around.”
It hurt her to say it. I could tell. She loved him, she loved both of us, but he’d pushed her away when he realized she’d never sided with him. He couldn’t understand how she could believe me.
Derek was so blinded by his anger toward the past, he couldn’t see through it, and that was the most dangerous type of blindness to exist.
“I’m going to get something to eat,” Evie said after a moment. “Do you want anything?”
I shook my head. I was still full from earlier, and it wasn’t like I’d been having much of an appetite lately. I glanced at my phone while she walked away, realizing there was a couple of text messages. Blake was the only one I spoke to from the restaurant now, but the message wasn’t from him.
It was from Derek’s phone.
Just a simple, “Come get him,” with an address typed in it.
I didn’t have to look up the address to know where he was, much less what he was doing. No matter what happened between us, I didn’t want this to pull him back under.
How did we end up like this?
Maybe we were doomed from the start. I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to believe it, though. I couldn’t. My mind told my heart this was wrong, but my stubborn heart refused to believe it. It held on to his love, the moments we’d shared together. It held on to us. I had to believe there would be a someday for us. I had to believe this was just a break up, for now, and maybe when both of us came to terms with what happened, we could fix it.
But I knew I couldn’t hold on forever.
I had to work on myself. He had to work on his issues too.
After I stared at the phone for longer than necessary, I finally stood up and walked toward Nathan. I couldn’t worry Evie more than she already was, plus, he could help. I gave him the phone without saying a word, watching his face change to one of frustration.
“I’ll go,” he sighed, running a hand over his face. “Take Lily inside, please. Tell Evie I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll go with you,” I said. “Please. I won’t cause trouble I just…maybe I can help?”
Nathan clenched his jaw, not liking the idea, but I needed to know he was okay. Seeing I wasn’t going to take no for an answer, Nathan nodded, and we took Lily back into the house. Evie didn’t believe a word we said, but she didn’t ask.
***
My eyes searched the crowded bar for him.
I didn’t think I’d ever seen such a dirty, rundown place. Nathan placed his hand on my back, guiding me because of the perverted, nasty eyes that followed. Uncomfortable, I walked closer to him, feeling more than exposed at the way they looked at me, like they’d never seen a woman before.
“Just stay with me,” Nathan said.
Nodding, I continued to walk toward the bar counter, where I knew we would find Derek. Preparing myself was the hard part. I kept telling myself he would be drunk and saying more hurtful things that I had to shake off, because he didn’t mean them. He wasn’t thinking straight, hadn’t been for a while.
I was ready for all he had to say.
I could handle it.
What I wasn’t prepared for was to see him with another woman.
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and he smiled down at her with a glass of whiskey in one hand, the other on her waist. I stopped in my tracks, holding on to Nathan because, if possible, my heart broke even further when I got a glimpse of her face.
I cleared my throat, my eyes glued to the sight of them together. He was drunk, he wasn’t himself, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Can you stay and help him?” I asked Nathan.
“Hannah—”
“I’ll call a cab. I promise, I’ll be fine, Nathan. I just can’t see him here with her.”
Nathan frowned. “You know her?”
“I thought I did.”
He seemed to consider his options. There was no way he was comfortable leaving me alone, but there was also no way I could stay there witnessing how Derek pressed the self-destruct button in his life. Our lives.
“Take my car. Please, Hannah, be careful.”
I nodded. “I promise. I just need to go out for a drive.”
***
“What if we don’t work out?”
I felt Derek pull away from me slightly, his forehead creasing with the question. It was something I needed to ask, though. We’d
waited so long for this moment, the moment we’d be together. The thought scared me; it was something I never wanted to happen because I didn’t think I’d ever be whole without him. And yet, the doubt lingered.
Not because I doubted him.
Not because I doubted myself.
But this life had rarely dealt me the cards I expected. It wouldn’t surprise me if it did it again. It was terrifying—not knowing what to expect. Giving yourself to someone in every way.
“I’m scared, Derek. I love you, but this is new for me, and I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to try.”
“Me too,” he whispered. He tilted my face up and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. “But if we do lose ourselves…I like to think we’d find our way back to each other.”
“What if we don’t?”
The question weighed heavily on my mind when I arrived at the same lake he’d taken me to for our first date. A smile tugged on my lips at the memory of the way he’d kissed me, the way he’d taken me to his apartment that night and touched me for the first time after years. The way I’d slept safely in his arms.
Memories.
“I have to let you go,” I whispered into the air.
I had to let go for my sanity. For his. I had to let go because this was toxic. I had to let go because I deserved happiness.
I had to let go because unless he loved and trusted me as much as I did him, we would never be okay.
This whole time I’d tried not to be selfish. I tried to be strong for others, not realizing that sometimes there was the need to be selfish. I had to put myself first to live my life to the fullest. I had to embrace the pain to fight it. I had to walk through the darkness to find the light.
I had to lose myself to find myself again.
And it was okay…
There’s plenty of reasons to move on.
Chapter 40
Hannah
Mother always said appearances were important.
She always said first impressions mattered more than anything.
When it came to getting a job, I knew it was true. I didn’t ever hire someone who wasn’t well put-together. To get a job, being presentable was essential.
So I put my hair up in a high ponytail, making sure there were no loose hairs flying around. I kept my make-up natural, even my lips with a tone that matched their color. I put mascara on, making sure it brought out my eyes enough, admiring that they no longer seemed dull.
They held life.
I straightened the blazer I wore and tucked in my blouse into my waistband, trying to look as professional as I could. I smoothed down my pencil skirt, turning around to make sure there were no wrinkles. Then I picked up the folder and walked downstairs.
I heard Lily running around and Evie’s laugh, then Nathan’s chuckle.
They were a happy family.
Part of me envied them, but I couldn’t deny I felt lucky to have them as my support system. I knew without them I wouldn’t be alive anymore.
“Hey.” Nathan frowned when he saw my appearance, and Evie stopped what she was doing when she saw me. “What’s going on?”
“Where are you going?” Evie asked.
“Nowhere,” I replied with a small smile. “But I need to talk to both of you. Do you have a few minutes?”
They looked back at each other in confusion, but soon Evie nodded, taking Lily upstairs while I took a seat at the dining table and placed my hands over the folder. Nathan, still confused, sat across from me.
I would have laughed, but the point was to look professional.
“What’s going on?” Nathan asked again.
“I just want to discuss my job at the gallery with you.”
Nathan relaxed. “Well, shouldn’t we discuss that there?”
Evie rushed downstairs, sitting next to Nathan and concern showing on her face. “Is everything okay?”
I handed Nathan a folder and watched his expression change as he skimmed it. In it, he’d see my cover letter, my resume, and my salary requirements.
“I’ve been working at the gallery for a few weeks now, and it’s only been part-time. However, given the circumstances, I am now available for full-time work.” Impressed, Nathan set the folder down while I continued.
“So…you want a raise?”
“Not only a raise. I also want a promotion. I am more than qualified for the job. I can also work as the marketer for the gallery. I can help the business expand, get more clients, and serve as an accountant.”
“I still think we could have talked about this in the office.” Intrigued, Nathan sat back, placing his arm over Evie’s shoulder. “This seems more like a family meeting.”
“It is…kind of.” I smiled.
Evie raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“I didn’t think the office would be the most appropriate place to tell you both I’m pregnant.”
THE END
About the Author
L.B. Reyes, lover of all things romance and professional procrastinator, was born and raised somewhere in the large state of Texas. She spends most of her time listening to music that bring her characters to life, or dancing to it when she needs to destress. When she's not writing, she's thinking about how to torture her characters or give them the happy ending they deserve. A mother, student and now author, L.B. Reyes is always busy, but makes sure to make time for her family. She is a firm believer that all obstacles may be overcome and so she spends her days encouraging others to follow their dreams, no matter how far away they seem.
Instagram:
@endlesshopeful
Twitter:
@LBReyesAuthor
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