Overtime

by Toni Aleo

  “Where?”

  “I don’t know,” he said roughly as he let out a long breath. “I need to just go.”

  “Will you come back?”

  He nodded and pulled the door open. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”

  “And you won’t go out for a drink?” she asked then, causing him to pause.

  He wanted to turn and say he’d never do such a thing.

  But that would make him a liar.

  Ignoring her last question, he told her bye and slammed the door shut before heading to his truck. Getting in, he went around the two cars in the driveway and ignored Lacey as she tried to wave him down from the porch. Speeding down their street, he hit the main road and couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears fell down his face, wetting his beard and splattering all over his black tee. He couldn’t believe he had done what he did to her.

  She had been pregnant.

  And alone.

  If he hadn’t been so fucked up and trying so hard to forget her, he would have been there for her. He would have married her on the spot so her dad and Karson wouldn’t have killed him…and because he loved her. Maybe then she wouldn’t have lost the baby. It was probably the stress of him being a complete dick that didn’t allow her body to hold on to their child. It was his fault. Everything, her heartache, her anger, their loss, he caused it all. When the hell did he ever do anything right?

  He was a fucking screw-up.

  Blinking away the tears, he sucked in a breath before turning his music all the way up. Just to get lost. Just to forget what had happened back there, but there was no forgetting the pure hatred in her eyes. Or forgetting the way she said she’d loved him. Past tense. No, Kacey didn’t love him anymore. How could she? He’d broken her heart because he was a selfish drunk.

  And man, he wanted a drink so bad.

  Pulling into the liquor store parking lot, he didn’t even hesitate. He got out and marched into the store, despite his shaking hands and the erratic beat of his heart. His heart was telling him not to do it, to go get a milk shake instead, but his mind was telling him to forget. He had to forget. This wasn’t his first time in this store; it was one of his favorite ones because his drink was right on the counter. Reaching for a bottle of Jack, he threw a twenty down before turning away. For some reason, he didn’t want the cashier to judge him. He felt she knew that he was trying to recover, and he didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.

  Muttering, he said, “Keep the change.”

  He then marched out to the truck, the bottle heavy in his hand. But he ignored that. He needed that drink. He needed to let go of all his fucked-up feelings. He wanted to just forget everything. Sitting down behind the wheel, he didn’t start the car or even open the bottle. He just held it, staring at the black logo, the fiery brown liquid inside. He hated the power it had over him, but he wanted it so bad.

  So why hadn’t he opened the bottle?

  When his phone sounded, he dug it out of his pocket, expecting it to be Lacey. But it was Natasha.

  Natasha: Haven’t heard from you in a couple days? You good? How’s Mena Jane?

  Ugh. Mena Jane.

  Sucking in a breath, he laid the bottle down and closed his eyes. He said he wanted to be healthy for Mena Jane and Kacey, but then he was sitting here, a bottle in his hand, ready to ruin all the progress he had made. Hadn’t he just said that day that he liked being healthy? That he didn’t even miss drinking? That he couldn’t wait to show the man he had become to Kacey? Was he really ready to ruin that?

  When he thought of Kacey balled up on the floor, their child dead inside of her, he felt as if he were drowning. He hated feeling like that. Despised it.

  Then a tap came at the window and he looked over, his eyes wide when Elli Adler’s eyes bored into his. Her brow rose as she obviously waited for him to roll down the window. He was trying to figure out why she was there, but then he saw that she was holding bags of Chipotle. So he slowly rolled down the window, pushing the bottle off his lap into the seat. Praying the dark night would keep it hidden.

  “Oh, hey, Elli.”

  “Funny to see you here. Did you get Chipotle too? The kids wanted chicken nuggets and I didn’t, so I came on out and got me and Shea some Chipotle. I looked over and saw ya, came to say hi. Wanna come on by and eat with us?”

  Even though the truck was on big tires, Elli’s signature heels gave her the height she needed to look him square in the eyes.

  He swallowed loudly and shrugged. “Yeah, um—”

  He paused when he saw her eyes dart to the seat beside him.

  “Open the door, Jordie,” she demanded and he closed his eyes, letting his head hang. Not waiting for him, she reached through the open window and unlocked the door, pulling it open. Laying her bags at his feet, she surprised him when she gathered him in her arms. He went willingly. Burying his face in her neck, he drew in a breath through his nose and then blew it out of his mouth as she rubbed his back like the mother she was.

  “What are you doing, Jordie?” she whispered.

  But he just shrugged, unable to talk without sobbing like a child.

  “I see the bottle. Did you drink it?”

  He shook his head, still unable to look at her.

  “Why? What happened?”

  He squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms tighter around her. He was a second from saying nothing, but he knew that wouldn’t help. He had to be honest; he had to own up to his mistakes to fix them. But would Elli even care once she heard how weak he was?

  Sitting up, he broke out of her hug and crossed his arms over his chest, swallowing his sob. “I’m not gonna make it,” he whispered. “You should just trade me and let me go ruin myself somewhere else, out of your sight.”

  “No,” she said firmly. “Not gonna happen, because you are done ruining yourself.”

  “Everything I try to do, everyone I love, I fuck over,” he breathed and she laced her fingers with his, pulling his attention to hers.

  “Then stop. Don’t do it anymore. You know what you’ve done to hurt people, so don’t do it. Learn from your mistakes.”

  Biting into his lip, he looked down before sucking in a breath. “She was pregnant with my baby and she lost it,” he whispered, and he heard the little intake of breath from Elli but didn’t dare to look up.

  “Who?”

  “Kacey.”

  He finally looked up and her eyes were searching his. “But you never knew.”

  “Nope, ’cause I ignored her. I cut off all ties because I couldn’t handle what I felt for her.”

  She nodded slowly and then squeezed his hand. “Okay, how does that make you feel?”

  He gave her a look and she shrugged. “What? Dr. Phil says that all the time.”

  “Fucking hell,” he muttered before shaking his head. “I feel like shit. I feel like I failed her.”

  “You did,” she said and he nodded. “But that was old Jordie. New Jordie needs to show her who he is, own up to his mistakes, and fix them.”

  “I don’t deserve her though,” he admitted, but she set him with a look.

  “You deserve to be happy, and if she makes you happy, then you deserve her. You’ve done such great things for yourself. Show her, show the world. But most of all, accept what you’ve done, be proud, and please don’t go back to what you were.”

  Leaning forward, he rested his forehead on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. He did want to show off who he was now. He wanted Kacey to be proud, to love the better man he had become too. He wanted to make all his wrongs rights. He would listen, he would appreciate her, never lie or ignore her, he would give her the world. And most of all, he would love her more than life itself. He just needed the chance.

  “I don’t think she’ll ever see it,” he admitted quietly.

  Elli’s hand came to rest on the back of his neck and she whispered, “Not if you go back to the man you were.”

  “I hurt her.”

  “Yes. But will you do
it again?”

  He met her gaze and shook his head. “Never.”

  “Okay, tell her that.”

  “She won’t listen,” he said quietly. “She hates me.”

  “Then show her.”

  “Yeah,” he agreed, unsure how to do that.

  “Or go back to the way you were and be wholly incomplete for the rest of your life,” she said in a very snippy way that caused him to look at her. Holding his gaze, she shook her head. “Doesn’t even seem right, does it?”

  He shook his head, his vision blurring with tears. “No. I don’t want that.”

  “Do you think your Mena Jane wants her goddaddy to be a drunk?”

  “No.”

  “And do you want to look in the mirror and see the man you were or the one you are fighting to become?”

  His heart ached in his chest as he looked away, sucking in a breath. “I want to keep fighting.”

  “Good,” she said, taking his hand in hers. “Now get out of the truck and grab that bottle.”

  Unsure what she was doing, he still did as she asked and then looked over at her, embarrassment flooding all his senses. He couldn’t believe he’d come here. That he was that pathetic and sad.

  Even though he was unable to look at her, she instructed him in her very stern, Mrs. Adler voice. “Now bust the bottle and know that that bottle, that liquid has no power over you. You are breaking that hold because it can’t control you.”

  He glanced over at her and asked, “Did you see this on Dr. Phil?”

  “Yes, but the poor, sweet woman, bless her heart, Jordie, she was 600 pounds! She was addicted to food, and he made her smash all these bottles of Coke and bags of chips. I cried like a baby,” she said, fanning her face, almost as if she was keeping in her tears. “Ugh, it killed me, but anyway, this is the same thing! Addiction is a nasty, mean disease, but you are so lucky because you have people who love you and want to help you fight it. You just have to allow them and be honest with who you are.”

  A recovering alcoholic.

  He looked away again and swallowed loudly, his shoulders taut and hurting. The bottle was so heavy and almost felt alien to him. He used to live off this stuff, but now it was foreign and he didn’t want it. A part of him hoped that he wouldn’t have drunk it if Elli hadn’t come to his truck, but the other part wasn’t so sure.

  “Now smash it,” she said again and he held the bottle up, looking long and hard at it. It was sort of astonishing how something as simple as a colored liquid could make him neglect everything. It was also pathetic how badly he thought he needed it. Truth was, he didn’t. All he needed was the love and support of the people he loved. He knew if he had taken that drink, he would have been failing Kacey all over again and, for the first time, Mena.

  And then himself.

  He couldn’t do that any longer. He wanted to be a good man, he wanted to fight for it, so he slammed the bottle against the curb and it burst, glass flying as the fiery liquor spilled along the road. He stood there, watching as the liquid ran down the side of the road to the gutter and he shook his head. If he’d kept on that path, he’d be the one in the gutter, completely and utterly alone. He couldn’t allow that to happen. He didn’t want that to happen. He wanted to be healthy. The surprising thing was, as all the Jack ran down into the gutter, he did feel like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Weird, but he felt one more step closer to his recovery.

  To the man he wanted to be.

  Glancing over at Elli, he smiled. “Dr. Phil may have been on to something.”

  She smiled back, taking his hand in hers. “Yeah, that’s why I watch it.”

  He didn’t answer or commit, only watched as the road sucked up the liquid as if it were suffering from the same thirst that Jordie was fighting to get rid of.

  When her other hand clasped his, he looked over as she said, “Next Sunday, you’ll go to church with us? Then I’ll cook lunch and we’ll go out to dinner. Spend the day with us. You need a little Jesus and the Adlers in your heart.”

  Jordie smiled. She was right. He did need those things. “I’ll be there.”

  “Good, Jordie, I’m proud of you.”

  He nodded slowly as his grin grew. It was really something to have someone like Elli Adler be proud of you, and he was grateful for that.

  But now, it was time to be the man he would be proud of.

  Kacey had no clue how she was going to handle the next day.

  How was she supposed to train a team of guys when the guy who broke her in two would be there, along with her boyfriend and her brother? Really, that was her life? She sounded like a damn soap opera! But really, how was she supposed to keep it together when all she wanted to do was cry? How was she supposed to act like Jordie was nothing to her when he was basically everything? How was she supposed to lie and act like everything was fine to Karson and Liam but, more importantly, to herself?

  Because she was not okay.

  Not even in the least, but she didn’t know what to do. She’d thought when she saw him for the first time, she could handle it. But man, how wrong she was. She’d gotten diarrhea of the mouth and let him have it. At least she didn’t hit him, but no telling for the future. Once thing was for sure, she knew that she needed to steer clear of Jordie. She needed to ignore him because he was going to hurt her again if she allowed him back in, and she would if she didn’t stay away from him. But that just didn’t sit well in her heart. Her heart wanted her to rush to him, beg him to let her in, and to forgive him. Her pride though, that was what was holding her back. She just couldn’t allow him to hurt her again.

  She was better than that.

  And Liam was a really nice guy. No reason to ruin that for someone who had no understanding of how to love her the way Liam could. She had to stay where it was safe. No matter how much her heart yearned to go in a direction where nothing was certain, she had to be smart about this. But really, why was she even entertaining this notion? He didn’t want her. She was supposed to hate him, wish he were dead. So what was wrong with her? Was she really that big of a glutton for punishment?

  It was his eyes.

  Those sweet brown eyes that held so much hope but no promise.

  Leaning her head against her headboard, she closed her eyes, causing her tears to roll down the sides of her face, falling into her ears. Bringing her hair out from behind her ear, she ran it along her nose as her tears fell, something she always did when she was nervous. She had done it since she was a kid and had thought she was over it, but apparently that was only because her hair had been in a pixie cut. As soon as it had grown long enough for her to rub along her nose, she was doing it again. It was a comfort thing. Something her mom did to her every night before bed.

  As her lip trembled, she closed her eyes tightly and wished like hell she hadn’t told him about the baby. She hadn’t told anyone, not a soul, but in a matter of seconds, not only the father but her brother’s wife knew. Of course, Lacey was on her, fishing for information, wanting to fix her. But Lacey really needed to worry about herself. Yeah, she had seemed a lot different than she had been when Kacey left before the weekend, but still. She was in no way, shape, or form in any place to try to talk about feelings. Kacey was probably really wrong for saying that to Lacey too and needed to apologize, but for now, she’d lie alone with her thoughts. Trying to come to terms with how she was going to handle tomorrow and the rest of the season.

  A part of her considered quitting, but that would be giving Jordie more power over her. She couldn’t let that happen. He already had so much. She needed to take it back, but she was unsure how.

  How did you stop loving someone?

  Even if they were toxic for you.

  When she heard the strum of a guitar, her head popped up in surprise since it was coming from Mena’s room. She was supposed to be sleeping; Lacey had put her down hours ago. She glanced at the time to be sure and she was right, so what the hell was going on? Standing up, she opened her door and loo
ked down the hall. Lacey was at the door, the music louder now, and soon Kacey was closing the distance between them to see what she was looking at. Before she could reach the doorway though, Lacey turned, stilling her with a look before pressing her finger to her mouth in a quieting motion.

  Perplexed, she looked past Lacey to see Jordie standing beside the crib, a guitar in his arms as he played with ease. She didn’t know he could play. How did she not know that? His eyes were closed as he softly sang “You Are My Sunshine” in what was honestly the sweetest way she had ever heard. It was so rustic, his voice blending so beautifully with the music he was making with the strums of his fingers. From where she was standing, she could see Mena Jane through the crib rails and she was just watching Jordie in awe.

  Kacey was sure she matched her niece at the moment.

  “He has done this for the last two nights. Mena loves it. She gets so quiet and just watches him,” Lacey whispered to Kacey, but she couldn’t tear her eyes off the sight before her. Something inside her just broke because that was supposed to be his baby he was singing to. She would have been due right around the same time as Lacey. They would have had a new little girl or boy of their own, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, they had heartbreak and rejection. Two things that ate Kacey alive daily. When her lip started to wobble, she looked down at the ground, sucking in a deep breath.

  Unable to watch any longer, she turned, starting down the hall, but Lacey stopped her with a hand on her arm. “He really has changed.”

  But Kacey shook her head. “No, that’s Jordie. He loves kids, he’s good with them, and he’s a damn good man. But he’ll never love me the way I love him. It isn’t in his DNA.”

  Lacey went to say something, but Kacey stopped her. “Let it be, Lacey. I have to let go or I’ll continually set myself up to be hurt by him.”

  She shook her arm from Lacey’s and started for her room. Slamming the door, her tears fell faster as she headed toward her bathroom. Looking in the mirror, her lip quivered at the sight of how pathetic she looked. She looked so heartbroken and defeated. Why did she allow him to hurt her like this?