Overtime

by Toni Aleo

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry isn’t good enough! She should never feel like she isn’t enough!”

  “Absolutely,” Jordie said. Turning to Kacey, he reached out, taking her elbow in his hand, running his thumb along it. “You were always too good for me. Always more than enough. I was too fucked up to see it. I’m pretty sure I told you I was gonna regret hurting you that day, and I have. Ever since you walked out the door.”

  When she looked away, moving her elbow out of his grasp, he looked to Karson. “Bro, I’m sorry.”

  Karson went to say something, but Lacey stopped him. “We forgave him. Everything he did all those months ago. Together we did, and you told me we can’t go back on it. That was old Jordie,” she reiterated, and to Jordie’s surprise, when Karson looked down at her, his expression softened. “We said that nothing mattered except his actions from the moment he apologized.”

  “But he never told me about this.”

  “Because he was embarrassed and also a little fucked up from it. They have their own issues, and who are you to get mad about it? What will that fix? He made the mistake. He’s the one who has to live with it.”

  “Yes, but hitting him makes me feel better,” Karson said before glancing up at Jordie. “And I’m not sorry.”

  “Don’t blame you,” Jordie agreed. “It hurt.”

  “Good,” Karson said as he shook his head.

  A silence fell over the room and Jordie didn’t know what to do. Kacey was looking twenty shades of pissed, Karson was shaking, and Regina wouldn’t look at him. Karl and Lacey were the only ones who looked approachable, but still he didn’t move. That was until he noticed the clock that said he needed to go.

  As he smacked his hands together, Karson’s gaze cut to his and Jordie nodded. “I fucked up, I’m sorry. But I gotta go, gotta work on me a bit.”

  He knew his feelings shouldn’t have been hurt when Karson didn’t offer to go with him, but they kind of were. Karson had been going with him all the time, except when Lacey wanted to go. Those were the times he spoke of Kacey, because Lacey supported them. The pain he was feeling at that moment was brought on solely by himself. He’d had every opportunity to talk to Karson. Instead, he’d hid what happened.

  He was a coward.

  When Karl’s hand came crashing down on Jordie’s shoulder, he looked back as Karl said, “I’ll go with you.”

  Nodding his head, he said, “Cool, let me go wash my mouth out and we’ll leave.”

  As he headed to the bathroom, he heard Regina say, “Kacey, where are you going?”

  “No way am I staying here with you so you can press me for info. I have nothing to say, and I have somewhere to be.”

  He wanted to believe she was leaving to meet him, but it was too early, and then he remembered that she had to go see Liam. He hoped that she would break up with him, but after everything that had just happened, he was unsure if she would be meeting him later.

  And that scared him more than losing his relationship with Karson did.

  “Jordie, how are you doing?” Bethany, the AA group leader, asked.

  Falling deeper into his seat, he nodded. “I’m good.”

  “Any cravings?”

  Jordie scoffed. “All the time, but I’m managing them. No slipups.”

  Karl squeezed his shoulder and Jordie smiled over at him.

  “That’s good. Have you noticed anything in particular that is triggering them? Or is it just a constant craving?”

  Jordie sat up, leaning on his thighs, and he shrugged. “I’ve been stressing more than usual, and before I would have a drink to calm me and forget the things I didn’t want to think about. Now, all I do is think. I drive myself crazy overthinking things.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because I hate the mistakes I made.”

  “They are in the past though, right? When you were drinking?”

  “Yeah,” he said, sitting up and letting out a breath. “But my mistakes keep haunting me. They stare back at me every day, they sleep in the room next door to me, and I’m worried there is no way to fix them. To make her see that I’m not that man anymore.”

  “She? Um…what was her name? Kacey?”

  Dropping his head, he closed his eyes as her words played over and over again in his head.

  I wasn’t enough.

  He nodded slowly before saying, “How do I get her to trust me? To forget everything I did?”

  “You know, Jordie, it isn’t very smart to get into a relationship when you are in recovery,” she said, but Jordie shook his head.

  “I don’t care,” he said simply, and when Bethany didn’t say anything to that, he looked up to see everyone looking at him. “I don’t want to be who I was. I want to be someone better, I want to be sober, I want to play hockey, I want to be happy, and I want to love and be loved by her. I know she’ll make me a better person, the person I want to be. That person wants to sit here a year from now, looking at the new guy the way you guys do, like they won’t make it but hoping that they’ll prove me wrong. And, believe me, I’m gonna prove all of you wrong.”

  Everyone smiled as Bethany nodded. “And we hope you do. I’m just saying I don’t want you to do something that could trigger a setback.”

  “Anything could trigger a setback. And I’m sorry, but I’m gonna live my life and I’m gonna keep fighting this addiction I have,” he said and she nodded.

  “And I want you to, but I also want you to be realistic about this. Know going in that you are doing it because you love her and want to be with her. Not because you are looking for a distraction from your addiction.”

  Jordie glared. “I have loved this girl a long time; I just fought it because I didn’t think I could be the man she needs. In the last couple months, I’ve changed and I actually love me.”

  “That’s what we want, Jordie. But just keep in mind, don’t replace one addiction with another.”

  He understood where she was coming from, but he didn’t think of Kacey that way. He was addicted to her, but in a good way. In a healthy way. He wouldn’t use her and then throw her away. He wanted to love her for the rest of her life.

  “Back to the comment you made, let me ask you something though. Did you know that everyone in this room had a slipup during their first year?”

  “No, I didn’t know that.”

  “All of us, even me, but you know what? We got right back up, and we tried again. So yes, live your life, but I am here to coach you, to warn you of what could happen. I was you. I thought after coming out of rehab, I’d be great for my husband and all would be good. I’d get pregnant and we’d be happy. I had a miscarriage, got drunk, hid it from him, got drunk again, and he found out and divorced me. So just remember, you have to fix you, she can’t.”

  Jordie nodded.

  “But always remember, you can’t change the past, Jordie. You can only make your future what you want. You have to make the decisions that will better your life.”

  “And Kacey is one of them because I won’t have the future I want if I don’t have her.”

  He’d never spoken truer words.

  But he wanted to speak them to her.

  He just hoped she gave him the chance to.

  When they were done with the meeting, Jordie was heading toward the door when Phil, one of the other members, stopped him. He was a tall man, a pro football player who Jordie had known for a while. “Hey, man, what you said tonight, it really touched me. I’ve just been existing, scared I’m gonna relapse at every second. I keep forgetting to live.”

  “Yeah, it’s a hard balance,” Jordie agreed, shaking his hand. “But these groups are here for a reason.”

  “For sure, but man, I just wanted to let you know that I don’t look at you like you are gonna fail. I look at you like you’re gonna make it. If anyone could do it, it’s you.”

  He then pulled Jordie into a manly hug, slapping his back. “Stay strong, bro,” he said and he waved at Ka
rl before walking away.

  “He’s right,” Karl said and Jordie looked back at him.

  “I know, I just have to fight for it,” Jordie said before pushing the door open and heading out with Karl on his tail.

  “Yeah, and you will. You have a great support system.”

  “I do. Hoping to add your daughter to the top of the list,” he said with a grin before going outside. Once in the sunlight, Jordie took in a long breath. It was the moment of truth. It only took six minutes to get to El Bracero from the church where the meeting was held. He had planned to walk but then remembered that he had Karl with him.

  “You okay?” Karl asked and Jordie nodded, glancing at his watch. He wasn’t supposed to meet Kacey for another twenty minutes. “Karson will get over it. I know you’re worried about that.”

  He was, but he was more worried that Kacey wouldn’t show up. Then all the trouble he’d caused in his friendship with Karson would just be extra shit on top of the shit sandwich he’d have once he accepted she didn’t want him. But deep down in his soul, he knew she’d show up. She had to. If anything, just out of curiosity. For answers. For closure. But he wouldn’t let her go without a fight.

  “How long you think he’ll stay mad?” Jordie asked with a sullen look. “I fucked up pretty bad. Kacey is his baby sister and your baby… I’m surprised you aren’t trying to swing at me.”

  Karl chuckled. “Between Karson and Regina, I think you got a beating. Plus, I know Kacey, she can handle her own. If she wanted to hurt you, she’d hurt you. She don’t like me picking up the pieces of her heart. It embarrasses her. She’s a prideful woman, that daughter of mine.”

  “That’s the damn truth,” Jordie agreed. “That’s why I’m worried she won’t give me another chance.”

  Karl nodded. “She probably won’t,” he said, which had Jordie gawking at him. “So you work for her love. You show her who you are and pray that she’ll give you another chance.”

  Jordie nodded as he looked to the left, fishing his keys out of his pocket. “I gotta go meet said prideful woman at the Mexican restaurant down the road, hand her my balls on a silver platter, and own up to my mistakes. Here are my keys. If she doesn’t show, I’ll take a cab home. Or if she tells me to kiss it, I’ll take one home.”

  Karl laughed, slapping his shoulder. “I’ll go with you. If she shows, I’ll leave. If she doesn’t, we’ll eat and... Shit, I was about to say drink margaritas.”

  Jordie laughed along with him. “Yeah, that can’t happen.”

  “How depressing. Way to go, ruining the fun for everyone,” he said with a wink and Jordie grinned.

  “You didn’t know? I’m a fuckup,” Jordie joked but Karl paused, shaking his head.

  “No, Jordie, you’re not. Not anymore,” he said, squeezing his shoulder. “You’re a damn good man with a past that you’re working on. Now, come on.”

  As he walked away, Jordie stood there and let his words sink in. He was right. He wasn’t a fuckup anymore. His past was full of all his mistakes, but he was fixing each one. But this one… The one that he made with Kacey was the biggest and the one he most regretted.

  But he would fix it.

  Why was she the only normal one in her family?

  The whole way to Liam’s house, she replayed everything that happened and really didn’t understand how it had even occurred. She and Lacey were usually careful when they talked about Jordie, but apparently they weren’t careful enough. She still couldn’t believe that Karson hit Jordie repeatedly like that. He was a big doofus, but a sweet doofus, and, God, she loved him. But she still couldn’t believe it. Did Jordie deserve that? Oh, yeah. But did she like seeing him bleeding? No. Each drop of blood might as well have been hers. It was horrifying to see and all just so stupid.

  But even with everything that had happened, all she could do was think about what Lacey had said to Karson as she tried to stop him. About forgiving Jordie and only caring about what he did after. After what? What was going on, and why did she seem to be the only one who was lost? Even her parents seemed to know what was going on. They were all nodding in agreement, and Jordie, he just looked stricken. She could tell that he hadn’t intended to hurt her or Karson. Before, he would have laughed it off. But when he said sorry, he meant it.

  More so when he said she was enough.

  Ugh, she could still feel his words absorbing into her skin. She had waited so long to hear him say it, to give some kind of explanation, and she was almost there.

  But first, she had to break it off with Liam.

  Parking her car near his, she shut it off and headed toward his door, trying to think of a nice and easy way to turn him down. She couldn’t think of anything but the truth. Before she could think harder, he opened the door.

  “Hey!” he called out before glancing at his watch. “I expected you earlier.”

  “Yeah, sorry, some family shit went down,” she said, waving him off. He leaned over, kissing her hard on the lips, but she pulled away just as quickly as he started, her hands coming to his chest as she looked up at his beautiful, chiseled face. He really was a handsome man and someone would really love him, but she just wasn’t the one.

  “That’s not a good sign,” he said, standing up straight.

  “Yeah, not really,” she agreed and then she stood awkwardly, crossing her ankles and leaning her arm on her hip.

  “Well, come on in,” he said, but she shook her head.

  “I don’t really see the point,” she said simply, and she decided the truth was the only way to go. “I thought I owed it to you to do this in person, but I’m sorry, I can’t go with you.”

  He looked down and then nodded. “Can I ask why?”

  “Because as much as I want to love you, I can’t. Not when my heart is still with someone else.”

  “Jordie?”

  She didn’t want to admit it out loud, especially to him, but soon her mouth was moving. “Yeah.”

  “You know he won’t ever love you or treat you the way I can,” he said, and Kacey bit the inside of her lip.

  “No? Do you even know him?” she asked, and she was unsure why she was defending him. But she didn’t like the way he talked about Jordie. Even if he was right, she didn’t like it.

  “He isn’t that kind of guy. He’s too busy screwing around.”

  Kacey nodded, her throat tightening before looking up at him. “I know that, but I’d rather be alone than be with someone I don’t love.”

  Liam tucked his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Then we have nothing else to say.”

  She nodded. “You’re right. We don’t.”

  Going up on her toes, she kissed his cheek, but he flinched away, his anger apparent. But really, what did he expect? She’d never loved him. “I wish you the best. Good luck.”

  Turning, she’d made it down the stairs when he called out, “You too, but believe me when I say you won’t have that with Jordie. He won’t ever do right by you. You’re crazy to let me go for a dude like him.”

  Stopping and turning back around, she looked up at him. “I’m not leaving you for him. I’m leaving you for me,” she said, and she could tell that he didn’t like that one bit. But she had to stay true to herself. Their relationship had been a dead end since the beginning, but she’d kept driving down that road, praying something would open up. She refused to live a life that wasn’t what she wanted. She really did regret hurting Liam—he was a good guy, but she wasn’t living for him. She was living for her.

  Waving, she said, “Bye, Liam.”

  “Bye, Kacey,” he called, and when she turned, she heard the door shut and she shook her head.

  That was hard, but not as hard as talking to Jordie was about to be.

  When she pulled into the parking lot of El Bracero, the first person she saw was Jordie. She figured he’d get a table and wait for her like he had before, so it was easy to say she was surprised. When she got out of the car, he came off the stone pillar he was leaning against, his
smile taking up his whole face, which was a hard feat with the beard he was sporting.

  She hadn’t gotten to drink him in when her brother was using him as a punching bag, but now, as she closed the distance between them, she took in the fitted jeans and thin blue Henley he wore. His hair was back in a black ball cap, but his eyes weren’t covered by it. No, she could see the depths of those dark brown eyes a mile away. Also the fat lip and bruise on his jaw. Stupid Karson.

  What she didn’t expect was to see her daddy come off the second stone pillar. Making a face as her brows touched, she said, “Daddy? What are you doing here?”

  “I was the backup plan in case you didn’t show up,” he teased, sending a wink at Jordie as he laughed. They had always been close, always. Almost as close as Karson and her father were, but it was obvious that Jordie was definitely a part of the family. That was one of the reasons she’d fallen so hard for him. Her daddy loved him. When he slapped Jordie on the back, something just clicked in Kacey’s head.

  “You knew about me and him?” she asked, and her dad looked back at her.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “How?”

  He pointed to Jordie. “He told me.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  “Yeah,” he said with a shrug.

  “Is that why you threw a damn fit yesterday with Liam?” she asked and Karl laughed. She glared and she wasn’t sure why she even asked because she knew the truth before he answered.

  “Yeah, I don’t like that guy. But I love this one,” he said like it was common knowledge, and she guessed it was. But still, he’d acted like a damn two-year-old!

  “Daddy, you embarrassed the shit out of me!” she complained, but he only shrugged.

  “Don’t date dudes that drive Priuses then,” he said with a grin and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Really listen, Kace, don’t jump to conclusions,” he whispered before pulling away and pinching her nose. Taking a set of keys from Jordie, he looked back at Kacey. “Be good, kids.”

  And then he walked away.

  Shaking her head, she said, “I can’t believe him.”