Holding

by Jillian Quinn

  Mark shoots Luca a look that could cut through steel. They have been friends since they were kids. The two of them share a special bond that apparently doesn’t require words because Luca just shoves his hands into his pockets and clears his throat as if he’s already said too much in front of me. Hunter follows suit. The three of them are inseparable, practically joined at the hip.

  We all know Mark is hooking up with our professor. You don’t have to be a genius to figure that out. Mark is so goddamn transparent, drooling over her in class and making stupid sexually laced remarks.

  “Did you find the girl yet?” Luca asks to change the subject.

  I shake my head. “Nope. I have no idea who she is or if she even goes to school here.”

  “You are wasting your time,” Mark says, his tone serious. “If she wanted you to find her, she wouldn’t have run away in the first place.”

  I hold up the gold chain around my neck for him to see. “She will want the charm back, and if so, she knows where to find me.” For a second, I feel like a total loser for showing my brothers that I have her charm on a chain.

  Mark cocks an eyebrow at me as if I lost my mind. “Dude, you need help.”

  At least Mark is right about one thing. I have not been able to shake that girl from my head. When I’m awake, I clutch her charm in my hand and think about the way she smelled, the way she tasted. Even in sleep, she occupies my thoughts. Every night since the party, I dream of her. Then, I wake, drenched in sweat and out of breath, as if I had been chasing after her again.

  “You do, bro,” Luca says. “No girl is worth that kind of hassle.”

  I roll my eyes at Luca because he has no room to talk after all the things he did to get his girlfriend. “You would do it for Izzie,” I counter.

  He shrugs. “Yeah, but that’s because Izzie is the one. She’s the kind of girl you don’t let go.”

  Annoyed with this conversation, I say, “I don’t see how my situation is any different than yours.”

  “I have known Izzie for most of my life. She’s connected, part of my lifestyle. You don’t even know her name. There is a big difference between what I did and what you are doing.”

  “I think they call it stalking.” Mark laughs.

  I lean into Mark, just enough to shove him off the table, but he grabs hold of the wood before he falls off, regaining his position. “I’m not stalking her, dick.”

  “You say chasing; I say stalking. Is she even real? Knowing you, I bet you chugged half the keg, passed out in the hallway, and imagined the entire thing.”

  “Say what you want. I don’t care.” My tone is angry, defensive. “When I find her—and I will—then we’ll see who’s laughing at who. I didn’t make her up.”

  Hunter slaps a hand on my back, almost knocking the air from my chest. “Don’t get all worked up over nothing. We have to get to practice. Use that aggression on the field instead of wasting it on these punks.”

  I walk away without even bothering to say another word to Mark or Luca. Hunter stays behind to mutter his goodbyes, quickly joining me on the walkway. We stroll through campus without speaking until we get into the locker room.

  “Look, man,” he says, sitting on the bench. “Don’t let them get under your skin. I believe you if it helps at all.”

  I open my locker, pull out my practice uniform, and throw the clothes on the bench next to Hunter before taking a seat. Searching for this girl has me so mentally and physically drained that hearing my friends say aloud that I’m losing my mind only makes this harder on me. But Hunter is always the calm one, the voice of reason.

  “I don’t even know why I’m looking for her, but I have to find her. I want to know her name. She already knew mine, so that tells me she goes to this school.”

  Hunter looks at me with his deep brown eyes that pierce through me, a beat passing between us before he speaks. “I would have done the same thing for Silvia. Sometimes, you just know.”

  “My mom always says that,” I say, not feeling as dumb as I did around Mark and Luca.

  When he talks, I can open up to Hunter.

  Hunter presses his palms to the wooden bench and pushes himself up to a standing. “Keep looking for her. She has to turn up at some point.”

  I nod, and he digs through his locker for his uniform, leaving me with my thoughts.

  Lost in my head, I don’t even notice someone tap me on the shoulder until I hear Coach Davenport’s deep voice in my ear. His guttural tone shakes through my body. “Finch, get your head out of the clouds and your ass in that uniform.”

  I look over my shoulder at him, just enough that I can see his face turn red. “Sorry, Coach.”

  “Get dressed and meet me in my office,” he growls and then walks away.

  Like Hunter, Coach is a man of few words, and when he speaks, it’s always with a purpose. Although not uncommon to meet in his office, I’m a little nervous after being off my game for the past week. My grades have slipped even more than normal, and I played like shit last night. I deserve whatever lashing I am about to get from Coach.

  After I get dressed and head to the back office, Coach is still bright red when I step inside, except he’s a deeper shade than before. He points to the chair across from him. I sink into the plastic chair and wait for him to begin, the silence between us maddening.

  Coach leans forward and rests his elbows on the desk, his eyes locked onto me. “You have two weeks until the end of your last season with the Senators, and you decide to screw around again while we’re in the playoffs?”

  Can you be more specific? I’ve done too much screwing around lately to keep track of anything in particular, so I keep my mouth shut.

  He slides a piece of paper across the desk to me. “These are your grades and the semester has barely even begun. If you don’t get your act together, son, I will have no choice but to bench you for the remaining games. You don’t want that, do you?”

  “No, Coach. I want to finish out the season.”

  “Then, you had better get your grades in order.” He raises his voice just enough to startle me, and then lowers it back to normal. “I spoke with the tutoring center about helping you pull up these worthless grades. The tutor you worked with last year is already with someone else, but I was able to find you a replacement for the rest of the school year.”

  “Thanks, Coach,” I mutter, trying not to say too much until he finishes.

  “I’m sure you know your way around the library by now. You are to report there after practice today to meet your tutor. I expect you to show up on time, or you will not play. Do you understand?”

  “I’ll be there, Coach. Don’t worry. My grades will be back to normal in no time.”

  He flashes a semblance of a smile. “Good, that’s good to hear. Now, get your ass on the field.”

  When Coach gives an order, you follow it. So, I do as he says, keeping Hunter’s advice in mind as I head outside. I’m not going to stop looking for my mystery girl. But I need to get my head straight.

  Chapter Seven

  Ella

  It’s hard to believe that only one week has passed since I left Finch standing in the hallway at his fraternity house. Every day since that night, I have thought of Finch in ways I know I shouldn’t.

  Only one kiss, I had told myself. One moment of passion with the man that has occupied my thoughts from the moment I’d seen him on campus over three years ago. But that kiss had turned into so much more. I can still feel Finch on my lips and sense his touch on my skin. It was everything I had ever wanted. Finch was everything I thought he would be. Too bad things could never work out between us.

  He would never be interested in a girl like me. I’m no longer rich or popular, not accepted into the elite inner circles that Finch belongs. He’s one of them, and well, I’m just a nerdy girl who tutors jocks to earn extra money for school.

  With a few minutes to spare, Tori Reynolds strolls into class with a wide grin on her face. I was supposed to meet he
r at the party. Instead, I became the masked girl who kissed Finch and the talk of the campus. He’s been looking for me. Tori keeps me informed of the latest news about Finch. She can never know that I hid this from her, not when she’s the only friend I have.

  Ever since Tori got back together with Sebastian Prince last semester, she’s been all smiles. I don’t blame her. A guy like Bash would put a silly grin on my face, too. But I’d much rather have Finch. He was sweet when it counted and bad when I’d needed him to be.

  I loved the bad side to him. If we weren’t in that hallway, who knows what would have happened between us. It was obvious he was dying to get me out of that dress, but I had practically stuffed myself into it. Lord knows he tried to strip away the fabric that had gotten between us. I’d wanted him to rip it apart, piece-by-piece, but it wasn’t mine to destroy.

  Tori drops her messenger bag onto the floor between our desks and slides into her chair. “Hey!” She flashes a smile that lights up her face. “You will not believe what I just heard from Bash.”

  My hands tremble every time she tells me something about Finch. Then, my stomach clenches and a wave of nerves rushes through me. I wasn’t nervous that night, but that was before I knew Finch intimately. Now, every rumor about him makes me equal parts giddy and anxious.

  “What happened now?” I do my best to play it cool around Tori and act uninterested when I am on the edge of my seat.

  She twists a blonde lock around her finger and moves her desk closer. “You will not believe what crazy things Finch is up to now.”

  “Crazy?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “Is he still chasing after that girl?”

  “He’s progressed to hardcore stalker mode.” She chuckles, as she settles into her seat, crossing one leg over the other. “Finch is wearing some charm this girl dropped around his neck.”

  Instinctively, I reach for my necklace and finger the gold chain my father had given me. I still regret wearing it to the party.

  “That does sound pretty stalkerish,” I say in a hushed tone.

  How can I get the charm back without telling Finch that I am the girl?

  “He’s determined to find her. It’s kind of cute, though. If Bash had done something like that and made a grand gesture to get me back, we would have been together for most of college. Instead, we spent two years apart, all because of a misunderstanding.”

  “That is pretty cute,” I admit. “Finch doesn’t strike me as the type to do something like that for a girl.”

  She shrugs. “I guess she hit a nerve with Finch. I have known him for almost as long as Bash, and I have never seen him this interested in a girl. He doesn’t even know her name. How bizarre?” Tori leans back, sinking into her chair further, and glances over at me. “I would like to see him find this girl, you know. Just to see something good happen to him for a change. Underneath all the muscles and sex appeal, is a lot more. Finch is a good guy. He’s sensitive. Finch is…different.”

  I scoot closer to her in my chair and lean over. “How so?”

  I’m dying to hear more about Finch. For years, I’ve had my eye on him but was too scared to interact. The party gave me the courage I’d needed to talk to my crush, and with only a few more months left of school, I didn’t have much to lose. Finch was worth the risk. If only I can find a way to get my father’s charm back. I have to find a way. I cannot let him keep it.

  “Finch is just not like the other guys he hangs out with.” Tori tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear and scans the room as if she’s afraid someone will overhear our conversation. “He’s close to his mom, like a total mama’s boy, and I think it’s adorable. Bash is close with his mom but nothing like Finch. He grew up without a dad, so Finch has always been the man of the house. The way he treats his mom is too cute for words. She comes to all his home games. You should come and see for yourself. They’re too fucking cute together. I just know from what I have seen that he will be the same way with this mystery girl. She’s one lucky girl.”

  “You’re dating Bash. I’d say you’re pretty lucky, too.”

  She smiles at the mention of her hot-as-hell boyfriend. “Yeah, he’s okay, I guess.” What starts as a chuckle quickly turns into full-blown laughter. “I’m kidding. Bash is amazing. But, seriously, I can’t wait to see what happens when Finch finds this girl. It will be nice to see him settled and happy for once.”

  “You think he would settle down with her?”

  She nods. “You bet your ass he would. He’s crazy about her.”

  A beat passes between us as I consider Tori’s words.

  Should I reveal myself to Finch? Would he accept me once he knows I’m not one of the cool kids?

  I don’t care what he thinks of me, but I also don’t want to make a fool of myself and have everyone on campus point their fingers at me for the rest of the semester. I avoid unwanted attention whenever possible, even if my stepsisters are nothing but drama. They bring enough home, which is why I like to maintain my usual low profile while at school.

  Here, I can blend in with the crowd and go about my day. I’m not Ella the Cook or Ella the Housekeeper while I’m here. I can just be Ella Fitzgerald, a normal twenty-one-year old girl who likes to read and tutor people in her spare time. I’m not the girl who dates guys like Shawn Finch or goes to frat parties in lavish gowns. Or am I? Maybe I’m becoming that girl, and if I allow Finch into my life, I will be that girl. But I’m not so sure I am ready to become what he needs.

  “Whoever she is, she’s lucky.”

  Tori bobs her head in agreement. “What are you doing this weekend?”

  “Nothing much. Probably just homework and studying.”

  I hold back the part where Clarissa will have her usual form of weekend punishment awaiting me. She loves to watch me squirm while her daughters go out to frat parties and have sex with anything that will breathe in their direction.

  “All work and no play,” Tori says, teasing me. “You need a night out. Would you want to come with Jessica and me this weekend to Bash’s first playoff game?”

  A sickness rises from the back of my throat. It’s not just Bash’s game. Finch will be there. I wouldn’t mind seeing what Tori is talking about when it comes to Finch being a mama’s boy. I’d love to see that side of him.

  How can I pass up this opportunity?

  “Sure. Count me in.”

  Tori returns my smile as our professor takes his place behind the podium and taps on the microphone, cutting off our conversation.

  The tutoring center is in the back of the library, tucked far away from the rest of the students who are studying at tables when I walk into the building. With its high ceilings and gothic architecture, it’s easy to get lost inside and find hiding places.

  When I’m not tutoring failing athletes, I like to sneak up to the third floor and sit at the table by the window. Hardly anyone ever ventures into that part of the stacks, the space hidden by nothing but reference books and tables of old microfiche machines. No one knows I come here when I want to be alone with my thoughts. It’s peaceful, relaxing.

  With an exaggerated sigh, I check the time on my cell phone, slip a bookmark inside the vintage copy of The Great Gatsby I borrowed from the library, and stuff the book into my bag. I have a few minutes before my shift begins. My boss doesn’t take kindly to us showing up late for appointments.

  For the last few months, I’ve been passed around between the guys on the hockey, football, and basketball teams, depending on who was failing at the time. I’m supposed to get a new student to tutor today. I keep my fingers crossed that it’s not Dean Crawford, the hotshot star of our hockey team because he’s a jerk to the max and makes weird, sexual comments every time he speaks.

  Some of the guys that come to us for help act as though we owe them our first born child because they play a sport at the school. While some people live and die by the athletics at Strickland University, I am not one of them. I’m here because it’s the best college in the state and one
of the best in the country.

  That’s why I pay the price of being humiliated by my stepsisters and mentally tortured by my stepmother. Even if I worked three jobs or was able to secure a loan, this school is far too expensive to afford. Plus, Clarissa had refused to sign a single paper to help me get financing. Her only bargaining chip has always been my education. One day, when I’m gone and successful, I hope karma bites her in the ass.

  By the time I reach the first floor, crowds of students push through the doors and practically knock me into a table, as I try to pass. I lose my balance for a second and reach out to grab the wood, but I’m too far away to get a good grip. My bag slides down my shoulder, and I’m about to trip over my feet and land flat on my face when someone hooks their arm through mine.

  Judging by the way his muscles flex against my skin, it must be a man. As he helps me regain my footing, I glance up and find steel blue eyes that pierce through me, shattering my insides with one look. Finch stares at me and studies my face for far too long. Still joined together, we stand there for a few minutes, the heat radiating between us. He seems at a loss for words. A guy like Finch always knows what to say.

  I lick my lips without thinking and remember his full lips pressed against mine. I can still recall the scent of Finch’s aftershave on my skin as he devoured my body.

  “You…” Finch shakes his head, his voice trailing off for a second. “You look familiar. Have we met before?”

  This time, he analyzes every feature of my face. He runs his thumb along my jaw, leaving a trail of heat in its wake, and cups my face with his big hand. I’m speechless, unable to move or breathe. This is how I felt the night we kissed. Finch can make me powerless, and I hate that.

  As if he has realized that what he’s doing is weird, he lets go of my face. Like all of the athletes on campus, Finch draws a crowd wherever he goes. I take a step back, slipping from his grasp.