The Opposite of Innocent

by Sonya Sones

  Luke who clutched me to his chest

  and murmured, “Lily . . . my Lily . . .”

  over and over again.

  It was Luke

  who rescued me.

  Luke.

  When I Was Seven

  My dad’s tech start-up

  almost went under.

  This big corporation sued him

  or something.

  My parents

  never explained why.

  They just said that unless a miracle happened,

  we were gonna go bankrupt.

  But then,

  a miracle did happen.

  Luke

  happened.

  He’d just inherited

  a bunch of money from his grandfather.

  So he invested most of it

  in Dad’s company

  and saved the day.

  When I Was Ten

  Luke moved into a place

  that was literally around the corner.

  He’d always lived in the same city as us,

  studying for his doctorate, and then working.

  So we used to see him at least once a week.

  But now

  that he lived so close,

  he came over all the time.

  It made every day

  feel like Christmas.

  Dad was too late for dinner most nights.

  But Luke was always there—

  helping Mom cook,

  teaching us old English whaling songs,

  showing us how to make shepherd’s pie.

  Then, while Mom gave Alice a bath

  and put her to bed, he’d help me with my homework.

  Afterwards, he’d sit with me on the couch,

  put his arm around my shoulder, and ask me how I was.

  Like he actually wanted to know the answer.

  So I poured my heart out to him.

  I told him things I couldn’t tell anyone else.

  And he listened. I mean really listened.

  He was my best friend, my hero,

  and my soul mate all rolled into one.

  He Was Sort of Like a Character from a Novel

  A novel I couldn’t put down.

  I love reading almost as much as I love Luke.

  When I’m under the spell of a book,

  it’s like I’m living in its pages.

  I look at my face in the mirror,

  and see the heroine’s eyes staring back at me.

  And when I put my hand over my chest,

  I feel her heart beating.

  I especially love love stories.

  Rose and I both do.

  It was love stories

  that brought us together.

  We met each other

  in Bella’s Bookshop,

  just before the beginning

  of seventh grade.

  When Bella introduced us,

  we ended up talking for three hours straight

  about which Jane Austen novel

  was the most romantic.

  Rose: definitely Pride and Prejudice.

  Me: definitely Persuasion.

  But it didn’t matter.

  Because we’d already become best friends.

  And Books Aren’t All We Have in Common

  Both our moms apparently

  thought it would be adorable

  to name us after flowers.

  And we both knew, when Taylor

  showed up on the first day of school,

  that our circle had been completed.

  We arranged to meet for lunch in the cafeteria,

  and got so busy talking,

  we forgot to eat.

  Taylor’s stories about

  blowing stuff up at chemistry camp

  made us laugh so hard we nearly peed.

  By the end of the day,

  Taylor started calling us

  “the Triatomics.”

  Rose and I had to Google it.

  Turns out a triatomic is a single molecule

  made of three different atoms.

  Which is exactly

  what it feels like we’ve been

  ever since.

  This Morning

  Alice and I are apartment hunting with Luke.

  I hate the thought of him moving out,

  but it’s sorta fun to see all the different places.

  In each apartment the agent shows us,

  I imagine what it would be like

  to live there with Luke.

  What it would be like

  to cook dinner together

  in the shiny new kitchen.

  What it would be like

  to hold hands on the balcony,

  watching the sunset.

  What it would be like

  to take a bath with him

  in the extra-deep jetted tub.

  What

  it would

  be like . . .

  But then the agent says,

  “You could convert this den into a bedroom

  for these two darling kids of yours.”

  And my imaginings grind to a screeching halt.

  The Next Day, It’s Pouring Out

  So we decide to have a stay-at-home

  Camp Luke-a-Wanna day.

  He teaches us how to play

  a game called Sardines:

  One person hides and the others search for him.

  Then, as each person finds him,

  they squeeze into the hiding place with him.

  And the last person to find the others is the loser.

  Luke hides first,

  in a tiny closet tucked under the stairs.

  It only takes me a few minutes to locate him.

  I wriggle in next to him.

  Now, as we wait for Alice to find us,

  sitting here together in the thrilling dark,

  Luke’s thigh is pressed against mine,

  his fingers resting lightly on my ankle.

  Our heads are so close

  I can feel his breath on my neck.

  My heart’s beating so loud

  I’m afraid he’ll hear it.

  Or worse still—

  that Alice will.

  Because I really don’t want her

  to find us.

  But, of Course, She Does

  Just a few

  all-too-short minutes

  later.

  When she swings open the closet door

  and finds us huddled inside,

  she squeals with delight.

  And as Luke climbs out,

  I could swear I hear him

  mutter, “Damn . . .”

  Though I probably

  just imagined it.

  I’m sure I imagined it.

  He Holds Out Both Hands to Help Me Up

  Then he laces our fingers together.

  “Would you like to hide next, Lily?” he says.

  And his voice vibrates all through me.

  He’s looking right into my eyes when he asks.

  And I’m so flustered I can’t speak.

  So I just nod.

  But Alice breaks the spell.

  “No more Sardines,” she says.

  “It gets too lonely when I’m the only one left.”

  A cloud passes over Luke’s face.

  Though it comes and goes so fast,

  I’m not even sure if it was ever there.

  “Let’s have a ballet recital instead,” Alice says.

  He shoots her a look.

  Then he turns back to me with a shrug,

  and unlaces our fingers.

  I’ve Been Wearing Luke’s Necklace 24/7

  And every night,

  I’ve fallen asleep

  with my fingers resting

  on its smooth green stones.

  I’ve only taken it off

  when I’m in the tub.

  Which is where I am right now,

  up to my neck in creamy bubbles.

&n
bsp; But my fingers are starting to shrivel

  and Mom’s shouting that dinner’s in ten.

  So I sigh myself out of the water,

  and towel off.

  I look at my face in the mirror.

  My cheeks are flushed from soaking in the tub.

  Or maybe from that deeply sudsy daydream

  I just had about Luke.

  I slip on my bathrobe,

  fasten the clasp on my necklace,

  tug open the bathroom door—

  and bump right into him!

  I Mean, Like I Literally Bump Right into Him

  I grab my forehead

  where it collided with his collarbone,

  and we both take a quick step back.

  “Sorry!” I say.

  “You all right?” he asks, letting his dark eyes

  travel quickly over my body.

  I glance down

  and realize that my bathrobe

  has fallen open.

  I yank it shut as Luke’s eyes meet mine,

  and the flush on my cheeks

  spreads to the rest of me.

  Then Luke smiles this funny little smile and says,

  “You really have become a woman, Lily—

  a gorgeous one . . .”

  Oh my God.

  My mouth goes so dry I can’t even speak.

  So I just flash Luke my braces-free smile

  and dash down the hall to my room.

  I Close the Door Behind Me

  And lean against it,

  feeling strangely breathless,

  as Luke’s words echo all through me.

  “Five-minute warning,” Mom calls.

  So I pull myself together,

  slip on my slinky black lace top,

  pour myself into my favorite jeans,

  and swipe on some lip gloss.

  A second later,

  as I float down the stairs,

  I hear Luke’s door opening,

  his footsteps following right behind mine.

  A sweet shiver runs through me.

  I can feel his eyes on me.

  Feel them taking in

  every single inch of me.

  But I’m an Idiot

  Because when

  I reach the bottom step

  and turn around,

  I see that he’s not

  even looking at me.

  He’s looking at his phone.

  He’s all dressed up—

  his hair slicked back,

  wearing a fancy sports coat,

  and he must have

  some kind of aftershave on,

  because he smells like the woods.

  He pockets his phone, then tells Mom

  he’s meeting an old friend for dinner.

  “An old girlfriend’s more like it,” Dad laughs.

  Then Luke kisses Mom’s cheek

  and says, “Good night, kids,” waving

  in the general direction of Alice and me.

  But he never even glances at me.

  And when the door closes behind him,

  it feels like all the air in the house

  has followed him out into the street.

  Now I Know

  I know that even though Luke said

  I’ve turned into a woman,

  he still thinks of me

  as a child.

  Less than an hour ago,

  I’d convinced myself

  that some kind of magic

  had happened.

  That Luke had stayed the same age

  while I grew up.

  That he’d waited

  for me.

  Just like he promised me he would

  when I was a little girl.

  I Just Googled It

  And found out

  that when you love someone

  in an all-consuming way,

  even though it makes no sense

  because you know that person

  doesn’t love you back,

  and you know for sure

  that there’s absolutely no chance

  of him ever loving you back

  because

  you’ll always be

  way too young for him,

  but you keep on

  loving that person

  anyway,

  and thinking about them

  every minute of every day—

  that’s called obsessive love.

  And I’m pretty sure

  I’ve got the world’s

  worst case of it.

  Sometimes

  Sometimes

  I feel like a book.

  Like a book

  that’s never been opened—

  hidden away

  in a long-forgotten library,

  waiting for someone

  to find me,

  ease me off

  my shelf,

  and read me.

  It’s Saturday

  And Dad has actually decided

  to take a day off for once.

  So Alice and I have to share Luke

  with him and Mom.

  Alice wanted

  to feed the ducks.

  So we packed some sandwiches (for us)

  and some stale bread (for the ducks).

  Now we’re strolling along

  the dirt path next to the river,

  headed for a picnic near the little cove

  where the ducks hang out.

  Luke and Dad are walking up ahead of us,

  talking in low tones.

  Luke must be telling him

  how his date went last night.

  My stomach turns over

  just thinking about it.

  Obsessive love sucks.

  I Don’t Want to Eavesdrop on Dad and Luke

  I really don’t.

  But the breeze

  keeps blowing their words

  back to me.

  “Amber?” Dad says. “Wasn’t she the one

  who followed you around campus like a puppy?”

  “Yeah,” Luke says with a chuckle.

  “The girl just wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

  Dad bursts out laughing at this.

  “You’ve never said no to a girl in your life.”

  “She was a hot little thing,” Luke says.

  “But she’s even hotter now—aged, like fine wine.”

  Just then,

  Mom puts on some speed to catch up to them,

  and slips her arm through Luke’s.

  All talk of Amber comes to a sudden halt.

  “Hey,” Alice cries, “wait for me!”

  She runs up and takes hold of Luke’s other hand.

  Leaving me alone, to scuff along behind them,

  kicking every stone and pebble in my path.

  My Phone Buzzes in My Pocket

  It’s a text from Rose to Taylor and me:

  Sleepover 2nite. My house. 7?

  Taylor texts right back:

  No place I’d rather be.

  Except maybe in a lab.

  Or anywhere with Channing Tatum. ☺

  They just got back

  from Cape Cod and chemistry camp.

  (I still can’t believe Taylor went there voluntarily.)

  I’ve missed them both to pieces.

  But I wouldn’t be very good company . . .

  What should I say?

  Rose texts again: Say YES, Lil.

  Whoa . . . Sometimes I think that girl

  can actually read my mind.

  And Taylor adds:

  Don’t u wanna hear all our

  racy tales of summer romance?

  Which is when I finally cave:

  I totally do. I’ll bring the popcorn.

  And Rose texts back: Thank goodness!

  Cuz we gotta discuss The Sky Is Everywhere

  + whether Lennie shud have given her heart

  to Toby or to Joe!!!

  What would I do without those two?


  Saturday Night

  I’ve thrown my pj’s,

  my toothbrush, and a bag of popcorn

  into my backpack.

  A second ago, I said goodbye to Dad.

  But he was so busy watching a football game

  he didn’t even notice.

  Sometimes he makes me feel

  like I’m the least important

  person on the planet.

  Now I’m waiting by the front door

  while Mom searches her purse

  for her car keys.

  Alice is doing a “goodbye ballet” for me,

  pirouetting her little heart out,

  when Luke comes trotting down the stairs.

  He’s all dressed up to go out again.

  That’s two nights in a row now.

  But who’s counting? Sigh . . .

  He stops short when he sees me standing here

  with my backpack slung over my shoulder,

  and offers to give me a lift.

  He offers to give me a lift!

  What Is It About Being Alone in a Car?

  Alone

  in a car at sunset

  with the guy you’re obsessively

  in love with?

  Is it the soft leather seats?

  The dim dashboard light?

  The jazz oozing

  out of the speakers?

  Or is it how his hands

  guiding the steering wheel

  are so ridiculously beautiful

  you wish you could photograph them?

  What is it about being

  alone in this car with Luke right now,

  that’s making me feel

  like my whole body’s humming,

  right along with the engine?

  Suddenly Luke’s Laughing

  And I don’t

  have any idea why.

  “What’s . . . so funny?” I say.

  “Well,” he says,

  “I just asked you something,

  and I’ve got a feeling you didn’t hear me.”

  “Oh,” I say. “Sorry . . .

  I must have been . . . I guess I was—”

  “Daydreaming again?” Luke says.

  And then he flashes me a smile

  that’s so . . . so . . . Well it’s just so loving,

  that I probably would have keeled right over.

  I mean,

  if I weren’t already

  sitting down.

  As We Turn Left onto Kingsley