Because of You

by Julie Cannon

  “That would be great.”

  The door clicked shut behind Barrett, and Dr. Foster laid the clipboard on the table beside her.

  “How far along are you?”

  “Four months, I think,” she answered hesitantly. “After a month or so my period was spotty at best. I never imagined I’d get pregnant.”

  “Would you like to tell me about it?”

  She risked a glance at the doctor, whose eyes were warm and understanding. Kelly took a chance and started at the beginning.

  Forty minutes later Dr. Foster said, “Before we go any further, let me see what we’re dealing with.” She moved the sonogram machine next to the bed and lifted Kelly’s gown, exposing her rounding belly. Kelly flinched.

  “I’m sorry.” Dr. Martin quickly pulled her hand back, her voice full of concern.

  Kelly risked another glance and said, embarrassed, “No, I’m sorry. It’s just a habit I’ll have to break. Go ahead.” She suddenly realized this was the first time she’d given someone permission to do anything.

  The gel was cold, and Dr. Foster expertly moved the wand over her stomach. She adjusted knobs and concentrated on the screen. “Pretty good guess. From what I see, I’d say you’re closer to five than four months along, but I won’t quibble over a week or two.”

  Kelly simply nodded, not quite hearing the words. Even though she knew she was pregnant, hearing it confirmed officially made it real.

  “Do you want to keep this baby?”

  The blunt question surprised Kelly. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Until an hour ago I didn’t think I had a choice.” She frowned and counted in her head. “Is it too late?”

  “If you decide to terminate I can help you with that.” Dr. Foster didn’t answer her question, but Kelly was a nurse and knew the difficulty of an abortion this far along.

  “How long do I have to decide?” She forced out her question.

  “Not long. You know as well as I do the risks and availability the further along you are.” She adjusted a few more knobs and pushed a button on the screen. Paper slid out of a slot on the side of the machine. Kelly knew it was a picture of the baby. Her baby. Dr. Foster didn’t show it to her but instead said, “If you want this it’ll be in your chart.” She clipped the photo behind a few papers on her chart and turned her full attention to Kelly.

  “If you’d like, I can arrange for someone to talk with you about your options. No pressure one way or the other. Just information.”

  Kelly nodded again, unable to find her voice.

  *

  Barrett hung up and slid her phone back in her pocket. Kelly’s parents were ecstatic, to say the least, and Barrett had sent the plane she’d chartered to pick them up. They’d be here late tomorrow afternoon.

  “She’ll be okay?”

  The question from Dr. Martin came from behind her. Barrett turned around and sighed. “I hope so. She’s been through a lot.”

  “And faces a lot more,” he replied.

  Barrett knew exactly what he was referring to. No way had she expected Kelly to be pregnant, but then again she’d never really thought about those kinds of things. Since returning, Barrett had realized she’d never thought about anyone.

  “Yes, she does. But she’s strong,” Barrett said automatically. Kelly was emotionally strong, but now that she was out from under the constant pressure of captivity, how would she adapt? And now she had a child. The Colonel’s child. At least she thought it was The Colonel’s. For Kelly’s sake, she hoped it was.

  “Come in,” Kelly said when she knocked on the door. Kelly had been moved to a room on the seventh floor, and Barrett wasn’t allowed in until the nurses got her settled. She pushed open the door and stepped inside.

  Kelly was sitting up in the bed, an IV dripping something yellow into the needle in the top of her left hand. Her hair was wet, her cheeks flushed. The hospital bed with its white sheets and the corresponding harsh fluorescent lights made Kelly look small and frightened.

  “Hi,” Kelly said tentatively.

  “Hi,” Barrett replied, not quite sure what she should say. Thankfully Kelly did.

  “This is the first chance I’ve had to thank you.”

  Barrett stepped closer. “No need for thanks. I was lucky enough to get out, and I was determined to do everything I could to do the same for you and the others. I’m just sorry it took so long.” And for me to figure out that’s what I should do. Barrett continued to beat herself up for not thinking of it earlier.

  “How are the others?” Kelly asked.

  The question didn’t surprise Barrett. Even now, after they were safe, Kelly was concerned about others. “I’m not sure. I’ve kind of been focused on you.” Barrett was somewhat embarrassed for not thinking of them. “I’ll go find out.”

  “Wait,” Kelly said, as she turned to leave the room. “You don’t have to. I’m sure they’re getting the best possible care. Sit down. You’re making me nervous.”

  “That makes two of us.” Barrett pulled the chair closer to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Do you need something? Do you want me to call the nurse?” Barrett asked quickly.

  “No, I don’t need anything. I’m just not sure how I feel. I know I’m out of the jungle and safe, but it’s almost surreal. I’ve dreamed about this so many times I stopped dreaming. I never thought I’d see this day.”

  Barrett had experienced that feeling too. It was almost like a form of disassociation—real but not certain it was really real. Kelly had been held captive much, much longer, so what she was experiencing had to be ten times worse.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Barrett felt worse than ever before. “I don’t know what to say. God, Kelly. I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you sooner.”

  “Don’t be.” Kelly shook her head emphatically. “You did what you could, and you have to believe that.”

  Barrett’s mind knew that but her heart and soul didn’t.

  “The doctor said I need to decide what I want to do.”

  The do in Kelly’s statement was clear, even to someone like Barrett, who didn’t have the first clue about being pregnant. She didn’t know if she should ask, make a comment, or say nothing at all. But she had to say something. Kelly was looking at her expectantly.

  “What do you want to do?” That was the safest response she could come up with.

  “I don’t know. I’m afraid this child will constantly remind me of…” She didn’t need to finish the statement. They both knew what she was referring to. “But it’s a child,” Kelly said, laying her hands over her belly. “My child. It had no say in the way it was created, so why should it be punished for it?”

  “What will your parents say?” Barrett knew Kelly’s family was close and ultraconservative. How would they react to the news?

  Kelly’s face lost all color. “I don’t think they’ll take it well.”

  Barrett wasn’t sure she was taking it well. She’d had more awkward, tough conversations than she could remember, but this one was by far the worst. “How so?”

  “They believe sex outside marriage is a sin and a child created outside of marriage is a bastard, regardless of the circumstances.”

  Barrett couldn’t help but cringe and wished she could keep her opinion to herself. “Surely under the circumstances they’ll think differently. You’re their daughter and you were raped.” Barrett even hated saying the word.

  “Maybe.” Kelly answered halfheartedly, as if trying to convince herself.

  “They’re your parents and they love you. When I met them they were worried sick about you. All they wanted was for you to come home. And now you have. How can they not be grateful for that, whatever the circumstances?” Barrett didn’t expect an answer.

  “You met them?”

  Barrett told Kelly about her visit to her parents shortly after she’d arrived back in the States. When the taxi had stopped in front of a large ranch-style
house in the center of a well-manicured lawn, Barrett had given the driver a twenty-dollar bill and told him he’d get another hundred if he waited for her.

  Her hand shook as she knocked on the front door. They weren’t expecting her, but she knew she’d be welcome. The door creaked open, and an older version of Kelly stood expectantly on the other side.

  “Yes?”

  “Mrs. Ryan? I’m Barrett Taylor. I was with your daughter in Columbia.”

  A frail hand shot to the woman’s mouth, stifling a gasp. “You were the one that got away.”

  The news that she’d been rescued had caused a media frenzy. Thankfully Aaron and Debra had handled all that, and she had yet to have to face the hordes of media that wanted to talk to her. “Yes, ma’am. May I come in?”

  “Oh, my goodness, where are my manners?” The storm door opened and Barrett stepped inside. “Robert! Robert, come here quickly.” Mrs. Ryan motioned Barrett into the living room.

  Her shoes clicked on the gleaming wood floor as Barrett crossed the large room.

  “What is it, Fran?” A man with Kelly’s eyes hurried into the room.

  “Robert, this is…I’m sorry. I forgot your name.”

  Barrett stepped forward, her hand outstretched in greeting. “Mr. Ryan, I’m Barrett Taylor.”

  A flicker of recognition passed over his face and then was replaced with confusion. He looked at his wife then back at her.

  “She was the one that was rescued. She was with Kelly.”

  The man’s face lost all color and he started to sway.

  “Maybe we should all sit down,” she said, indicating a couch and two matching chairs.

  She didn’t wait to get settled before she said, “The last time I saw Kelly she was okay. She was a little thin, but she was healthy and strong. All things considered, she was holding up pretty good.”

  “Was she…” Kelly’s father hesitated.

  “She had all ten fingers and ten toes,” Barrett said, feeling the tension in the room increase. “And everything in between.” A familiar pang of pain shot through her stomach when she remembered the scars on Kelly’s back.

  “I won’t lie to you, Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, it’s rough. But your daughter is smart and strong and knows what to do.” Knows what to do to survive, Barrett thought. “She helps the other captives. She helped me when I first got there. She saved the lives of a few hostages with her care.” Barrett waited as Kelly’s parents reached for each other and grasped hands. “They don’t mistreat her as much as they do the others.” Kelly’s parents blanched. Oops, not the right thing to say. She never was any good at self-censure.

  “We’re happy for you, Ms. Taylor. That you were able to get out,” Mr. Ryan said.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Ryan, please believe me. I did everything I could to take her with us. I am so sorry.” Barrett’s voice broke on the words.

  Kelly’s mother reached over and laid her cool hand on Barrett’s leg. “I saw your story on the news.”

  “The men that rescued me could only take me. I begged them to take Kelly and the others, but then I was shot and…” Barrett’s explanation fizzled. What could she say? Anything just sounded like an excuse.

  “We knew you did everything you could.”

  No, I didn’t and I will never forgive myself.

  “How are you doing?” Kelly’s father asked.

  His question surprised Barrett. This wasn’t about her. This was about Kelly, their daughter. They’d been living with the fear of not knowing whether their daughter was alive or dead. They didn’t know when or if she’d ever be released. And what they were imagining might be happening to her had to be unbearable.

  “I’m fine, thank you. She talked about you all the time.” Barrett changed the subject. She didn’t want to focus on herself. She was free. What more was there?

  Barrett proceeded to tell Kelly’s parents some of the tales of Kelly’s childhood she’d shared during the hours they spent together. Mrs. Ryan served iced tea, and after an hour or so Barrett rose to leave.

  “Thank you so much for coming,” Mr. Ryan said, grasping her hand in both of his. They were rough and callused from years on the assembly line. “And thank you for talking about Kelly. So many of our friends don’t. I guess they’re afraid to mention her name. Like not talking about her somehow will make us forget about her and where she is.” His voice held anger now.

  “Robert,” Mrs. Ryan said, putting her hand on his arm. He immediately responded to her, and Barrett wondered how something like that happened between two people. She’d never really given it any thought—how two people could be so attuned to each other. Her parents had been married for over forty years, but she sensed more love in this house at this moment than everything she’d ever felt in her own house while growing up. Kelly’s parents had something very special and had passed that caring gene on to their daughter.

  “Yes, thank you, Barrett. It meant a lot to both of us. Just knowing where Kelly is and what she’s doing is comforting. We can focus on what we do know, not what we’re imagining.”

  Mrs. Ryan rose on her toes and pulled Barrett close, hugging her so tight she had trouble breathing. She guessed it was her way of being close to Kelly. Mrs. Ryan stepped back and kissed her on the cheek.

  “You take care of yourself, Barrett. What you went through can’t be an easy thing to recover from.”

  Mrs. Ryan seemed to see right through Barrett’s bullshit and bravado and into her nightmares. It made her very uncomfortable.

  “Yes ma’am, I will,” she replied, and realized she meant it. She needed to do this for Kelly and for Kelly’s parents, who needed it as well.

  Kelly played with the corner of the sheet. Barrett’s guilt doubled to see her so forlorn when she should be celebrating. “I called them once I got the news you were out. They were ecstatic. They’ll be here tomorrow morning. They can’t wait to see you.” She didn’t need to tell her she’d sent a plane for them.

  “I suppose I need to talk to them,” Kelly said, with little enthusiasm.

  Barrett stood. The phone was on the table just out of Kelly’s reach, and she handed it to her. “I’ll give you some privacy.” Kelly grabbed her hand.

  “Please stay,” Kelly said, a mixture of hope and fear on her face.

  Barrett was surprised at the strength of Kelly’s grip. “Of course I will if you want me to.” Kelly only nodded as she punched in the number.

  Even though she’d asked Barrett to stay, Kelly felt alone. For months she’d dreamed of hearing her parents’ voices again. Her mother’s soft Southern drawl and her father’s good-natured teasing had kept her from going insane more than once. But she struggled to find something to say. What could she say? “Hello, Mom and Dad. I’m home and I’m pregnant.” That was a bombshell she wasn’t interested in dropping, especially since she hadn’t decided what to do.

  Maybe it would be easier if she told them over the phone. It’d give them a chance to adjust before they came tomorrow and spare her the reproachful look she knew would be on their faces. If Barrett were only right and their happiness that she was home overrode the fact that she was “with child,” as they would phrase it. But she knew her parents, and this wouldn’t be easy.

  Her hand was shaking so bad she almost couldn’t hang up the phone. She hadn’t told them. She’d barely been able to say anything over their excited chatter and questions. Her father had rushed to the other phone and interrupted her mother more times than not. She didn’t think either one of them realized she’d barely spoken.

  “Can I get you anything?” Barrett asked.

  Barrett’s voice soothed her racing pulse. “No.” She shook her head. “I’m fine. Just a little overwhelmed with everything today.” That was an understatement. She’d refused to believe she was being rescued until she saw Barrett waiting for her on the tarmac. She and the other hostages had been transferred from camp to camp, guard to guard so many times. One time, just for the sheer fun of it, the guards had told them th
eir ransom had been paid and they were taking them home. When it was obvious it was nothing but a cruel joke, Kelly had refused to break down and sob like the others.

  “I understand.”

  “How did you get through it?”

  “Time.” Barrett answered quickly. “That, and I refused to turn the lights off, afraid I’d wake up and find it was all a dream. It’s overwhelming, Kelly. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

  Kelly liked the fact that Barrett had empowered her. It had been a long time since she’d felt control over anything in her life.

  “A psychologist will be in in a few minutes to talk with you. It’s all up to you. She won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.”

  “How do you know it’ll be a woman?” she asked.

  “Because it’s the same person who talked to me when I came out.”

  “And did you talk to her?”

  “Not in the beginning.”

  Barrett’s answer surprised her. Barrett had given her the impression that she was strong enough to withstand anything and that she wouldn’t need any help readjusting. “What changed your mind?”

  Barrett’s eyes searched her face, as if she was trying to decide if she could trust Kelly with her story or the severity of the truth. She could practically feel Barrett judging her strength.

  “Tell me, Barrett. I want to know. I need to know what to expect.”

  “The nightmares. The flashbacks. The panic attacks when I was alone. The panic attacks when I was in a crowd. The panic attacks when someone moved too close to me or bumped into me in the elevator.”

  Barrett’s words were soft but her description sharp. Kelly was under no misconception that she’d simply fly home and go to work the next day. She wasn’t coming back from a vacation or even another medical mission. She didn’t know what she was coming back to. Everything was different. Everything had changed. She’d changed, and the life growing inside her was the biggest adjustment she’d have to make.

  “What am I going to tell everyone? About the baby?” Kelly said at Barrett’s apparent confusion.