Because of You

by Julie Cannon

  “Pretty awesome, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is.” Kelly continued to watch the evidence of the life growing inside her. The lump in her throat was large, and several minutes went by before she could say anything.

  “Why are you here?” She glanced at the clock on the wall above the foot of her bed. Not quite eight in the morning. Then she noticed the sun streaming through the curtains and heard the noises outside her door.

  “Just keeping you company,” Barrett replied, again barely looking at her.

  “You’ll go to hell for lying like that, you know.” The effects of the sedation were wearing off rapidly. Kelly finally felt like she could string more than one or two sentences together.

  Barrett’s face finally relaxed but she didn’t let go of her hand. “Then it’ll be one hell of a party because all the fun people will be there.”

  Kelly smiled, then sobered quickly as she turned her attention back to the bouncing yellow line. Was that supposed to symbolize a bouncing baby boy? How ironic.

  “What am I going to tell my parents? About the baby,” she added when Barrett’s expression said she had no idea what Kelly was referring to.

  “What did Dr. Hinton say?”

  “I asked you,” Kelly said quickly. It was obviously not the answer Barrett wanted.

  “Other than you’re pregnant, I don’t think you need to tell them anything,” Barrett said cautiously.

  “What do you mean?” It was her turn not to follow.

  “I mean, they don’t need the details. Anyone can figure it out.”

  Is that what everyone would think when they looked at her belly? That a baby conceived in violence grew inside her? Would they ever be able to think of anything other than imagine what had happened to her? Would she? Could she?

  Barrett moved and sat on the edge of her bed, still holding her hand. “Jeez. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m not good at this stuff.”

  “I haven’t had a lot of experience with it either.” Kelly spoke with more than a touch of sarcasm.

  “I mean I don’t know what to say, how to offer comfort. What you want me to say or what you want me to do. I don’t have many close friends, and I’m out of my element here. My brother used to tease me all the time about it. I guess I wasn’t born with the caring gene.”

  Kelly saw the embarrassment on Barrett’s face. “What does he do now?” she asked, hoping to change the mood.

  “Tiptoes around everything.”

  “And it makes you crazy.” Kelly had learned that Barrett was a straight-to-the-point kind of person.

  “Yes. But I understand. Actually, it took several sessions with Dr. Hinton before I could accept that was his way of dealing with everything.”

  “You like Dr. Hinton, don’t you?”

  “No.”

  Barrett’s answer surprised her.

  “I respect her. I listen to what she says, then think about it and draw my own conclusions, which she promptly validates, by the way. I don’t like her because she makes me uncomfortable, pushes me out of my comfort zone, and forces me to put my feelings into words. And not just any words. Descriptive, specific words. God, she’s worse than my freshman English teacher, Miss Crowley.”

  Barrett smiled again, and Kelly felt the mood lighten just a little. “And you hated Miss Crowley too?”

  “No. I had a great big baby-dyke crush on her. I would have done anything for her, even if it meant embarrassing myself every time I had to read one of her assignments in front of the class.”

  “And what do you think about her now?” Kelly was genuinely curious.

  “I saw her at our ten-year class reunion, which, by the way, I swore I’d never go to and swear I’ll never go to another,” Barrett said adamantly. “Anyway, she was just as hot as I remembered her to be. It was her first year of teaching, and she was only eight years older than me. That’s a big difference when you’re fourteen and she’s twenty-two, but not when you’re twenty-seven and she’s thirty-five.” Barrett raised her eyebrows a couple of times like Groucho Marx and grinned, the sadness gone from her face.

  “You didn’t?” Kelly really wanted to know.

  “I don’t kiss and tell,” Barrett replied smugly, using her fingers to mimic zipping her lips.

  Kelly laughed for the first time in a long time, and it felt good. “Does she?” Before Barrett had a chance to answer, the door opened and Kelly’s parents walked in.

  Her mother reached her first and bent over and kissed her cheek. Her father followed, and Barrett stepped back from the bed. For some reason Kelly felt an odd sense of loss when she did.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” her mother asked.

  “What are all these for?” Her father pointed to the two monitors at the head of her bed.

  “They’re just keeping track of a few things.” Kelly hoped she could deflect the conversation onto safer topics. She wasn’t ready to tell her parents and to see the pain in their eyes, the pity that would be there every time they looked at her. She hadn’t even decided what she was going to do with the baby. The last thing she needed was to try to respond to a dozen questions that she herself didn’t have answers to. When she saw her father lean over and read the fine print on the screen, she braced herself.

  *

  “What is this, Kelly?”

  Her mother stopped straightening her wrinkleless sheets and looked at him. “What are you talking about, Robert?”

  “What exactly is this keeping track of?” her father added.

  He knew. She could see it in his eyes. It wasn’t rocket science, for God’s sake. If the words Baby Ryan (Kelly Ryan) scrolling along the bottom of the screen didn’t give it away, her stomach would as soon as she stood up. She looked between her parents, then to Barrett.

  “It’s a fetal monitor. I’m pregnant. We think I’m about five months along.”

  “You think?” her father said, and Kelly detected anger in his voice.

  “Yes. The doctor is basing it on the baby’s size,” she said quickly. She felt like she was seventeen and had gotten herself “in trouble,” a phrase her father still used today. Her mother must have worked her way through the shock, because she gasped and put one hand over her mouth, the other on her chest.

  “What are you going to do with it?”

  The way her father said the word “it” told Kelly everything she needed to know. She knew this was going to happen. She’d hoped and prayed it wouldn’t, but it had. She looked at her parents, then Barrett, then back at her parents.

  “I’m keeping it.”

  Her mother’s gasp told Kelly her opinion of her decision. Her father’s scowl was just as loud. Before either one of them had a chance to say anything, she took the offensive.

  “I know you’re surprised by this news, but quite frankly I can’t believe you are. I was held hostage for over two years by angry, bored, sadistic wanna-be soldiers. When they weren’t starving us or poking at us with a sharp stick just for the fun of it or making us walk for days without stopping or stringing us up to a tree like Jesus, what did you think was going to happen?” Kelly knew she was probably overreacting, but she was angry. These were her parents, the two people in the world who should support her no matter what, especially under these circumstances.

  “Don’t you speak to us that way,” her father bellowed, his face almost as red as his shirt. “We are your parents and you will respect us.”

  “And I’m your daughter, and you’re supposed to love me no matter what.”

  “Why don’t we all just take a breath for a minute.” Barrett stepped toward the bed, holding her hand up as if signaling peace. “You’ve all been through a lot, and the past few days have been something no one should have to deal with. Everybody’s on edge.”

  “You stay out of it,” her father growled. “If you hadn’t waited so long to go back for her, this never would have happened.”

  “Dad!” Kelly said, frightened by the anger in his tone and the look of shoc
k on Barrett’s face.

  “You’re right, Mr. Ryan,” Barrett said, her voice calm, almost detached. “I should have gone back for Kelly sooner. As a matter of fact, I never should have left without her. And not that you care, but that will haunt me the rest of my life. I have more money than I’ll ever spend in my lifetime, and I can buy whatever I want, but the one thing I can’t buy is peace of mind. It’s not my fault Kelly’s pregnant, but it is my fault that she had to stay one more day in that hellhole longer than I did. That’s something I can’t change, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to her.”

  The only sound in the room was her mother’s quiet weeping and the beep of two heartbeats. Kelly was stunned. She had no idea Barrett felt this way. Her parents’ reaction, though expected, wasn’t the end of the world. They would either accept her decision and welcome their grandchild or they wouldn’t. If she and her baby weren’t welcome at their table, she’d set her own. But it was Barrett’s words that cut the deepest, and it was Barrett she extended her hand to when her parents left the room without another word.

  *

  “It’s not your fault, Barrett.”

  “What your father said was true. If I’d gotten to you sooner—”

  “Stop it right now,” Kelly said, not even trying to keep her anger in check. “My dad had no right saying that.”

  Barrett walked to the window, turning more than her back to Kelly. “He only said what everyone’s thinking.”

  “Everyone is not thinking that,” Kelly said desperately. Barrett was closing down, shutting her out.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  Kelly threw the sheets back and started to climb out of bed. Barrett must have heard her because she turned around.

  “What are you doing? Get back in bed.” Barrett tucked the sheets around her.

  “Barrett,” she said, but a knock on her door was followed by Dr. Martin sticking his head in.

  “May I come in?” he asked. It wasn’t really a question because he was in the room before she had a chance to answer.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” He looked at the dual blips on the monitor.

  “Fine,” Kelly lied, and the way Dr. Martin looked at her showed that he knew it too.

  “I want to go home,” she said, surprising herself. She wanted to stay here, where she was safe and the world was held at bay, but she wanted to go home more.

  “I think you need a few more days. We have some more tests to run and you’re anemic. Dr. Foster wants to see you a few more times before you leave.”

  “What is today?” she asked Barrett.

  “Tuesday.”

  “I want out of here Friday morning. I need to get back to my life. I want to get my finances in order and find out if I need to find a new job.”

  “Kelly, you don’t need to worry about any of that right now,” Barrett said.

  “Yes, I do. I’m not independently wealthy like you. I need to work,” she said sharply.

  “How about a compromise?” Barrett turned to Dr. Martin. “What if Kelly checked out tomorrow but stayed at the Trump for a few more days? She could come back for whatever tests she needed but start to get acclimated to the world.”

  “That might work,” Dr. Martin said cautiously.

  “I want to go home.” She knew she sounded like a petulant child but couldn’t think clearly enough to come up with any other argument for her case.

  “You don’t have a passport,” Barrett said simply. “We can go to the embassy Monday and get things started. It’ll take a few days to get it issued, and in the meantime you can have your tests and rest.”

  Kelly hadn’t even thought about how she’d get out of the country. Jesus, she thought, she had absolutely no form of identification. And no credit cards, however meager her credit limit was. It was probably zero now.

  “I can’t afford that,” she said sadly. A hotel sounded better than staying in this drab room, but with no way to pay for it, she had to stay here whether she liked it or not.

  “I’ll take care of everything. All you need to do is focus on getting well.”

  Kelly started to object, then thought better of it. Barrett had orchestrated her rescue, and the least she could do was be grateful. She looked between Barrett and Dr. Martin. She needed to talk with him about follow-up care when she got back home anyway. “Okay, but just until I get my passport. Then I’m going home.” She held her breath, uncertain as to their reaction.

  The last time she’d demanded something the results were dark and painful. Out of self-preservation her mind automatically shifted to another place. There the wind was warm, the sky clear and blue, and the laughter of friends filled the air. The touch on her arm was gentle, like that of a friend or lover, not hard and hurtful, intending to inflict pain.

  “Kelly, it’s Barrett.” The soft voice drifted around the edges of her mind as if looking for a way in. It repeated her name again and she focused on it.

  “If the docs clear you to fly we’ll leave as soon as you get your passport. It shouldn’t be too much longer.”

  Just then, Dr. Hinton came in.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Barrett watched Kelly struggle to maintain control. They were in the backseat of the car Barrett had hired to take them to the hotel, and Kelly’s eyes were darting everywhere. Barrett remembered how she’d felt during her first venture out on a public street. She’d been terrified that she would be kidnapped again and didn’t relax until she’d double-locked the hotel room door behind her. She laid her hand on top of Kelly’s. They were shaking.

  “It’ll be all right. It just takes time.”

  “You sound like Dr. Hinton.”

  Barrett couldn’t help but smile. “Just repeating what she told me at least eight dozen times.”

  “Does it, or is it just all bullshit?”

  Barrett chuckled. “A little of both, I suppose. But it does get better.”

  “Does it ever go away?” Kelly kept looking straight ahead.

  Barrett didn’t know if she should tell Kelly the truth or lie. One would give her hope, the other hopelessness.

  “It did for me.” Kelly turned her attention away from the crowded street to look at Barrett. “Okay, not a hundred percent, but I’d say I’m at least ninety.” Kelly’s expression didn’t change, and the knot in Barrett’s stomach clenched a little tighter.

  “Dr. Hinton said I could see her as much as I need to.”

  “That’ll be helpful.”

  “When I told her I couldn’t pay her, at least not right away, she said it was all paid for.”

  Barrett waited for the rest.

  “Did you do that?”

  “Does it matter?” Barrett asked, trying to evade the question.

  “Yes.”

  “Then yes, I told her to send the bills to me. It’s the least I can do.” It was definitely the least, but it should be more.

  “Thank you,” Kelly said quietly as the car pulled into the circle drive of the hotel.

  While waiting for the elevator to take them to their rooms, Barrett felt Kelly’s fear grow as more people joined them. She didn’t think Kelly was aware that she stepped closer to her as each new person arrived. When Kelly hesitated to get on the elevator with other people, Barrett signaled for them to go on without them. “We’ll catch the next one.” It took two other elevators before they were alone going to their floor.

  Kelly looked at herself in the mirrored elevator doors for the first time since the day she’d left the States on her ill-fated medical mission. Her skin had an unusual pallor, which accentuated the dark circles under her eyes. She was thin, almost to the point of looking anorexic, her pregnancy accentuated by her gauntness. Her hair was dull and lifeless, and the fungus on her feet was finally beginning to clear. She needed a manicure, professional haircut, and twenty pounds. What she wanted was a hot bath, a hamburger, and a cold beer. She could have only one of the three, the burger needing to wait until her body was ready for it a
nd the beer till after the baby. The nutritionist had cautioned her about eating anything other than bland food at first and to slowly introduce one food at a time. Her body wasn’t ready to resume her normal eating habits without rebelling.

  “God, I look worse than death warmed over. And please don’t tell me I’ve been through a lot. If I hear that phrase one more time I’ll choke on it.”

  Barrett snickered. “Good for you. I think you look great.”

  Barrett’s reply surprised her. “Good for me?”

  The doors opened and Barrett motioned for her to go down the hall to her left. “Yeah, good for you. It’s great to hear you fight back.”

  Kelly thought about Barrett’s comment. She felt safe with Barrett and trusted her. With others…well, not fighting back was a lesson she’d had to learn the hard way, and it would probably be equally hard to unlearn it.

  “I feel safe with you,” she said, surprising herself. Barrett must have been surprised too, because her steps faltered and Kelly almost ran into her.

  “I’ll never do anything to change that, Kelly. I intend to do everything in my power to make sure you never feel afraid again.”

  The seriousness in Barrett’s eyes was overshadowed by sadness and something else she couldn’t quite pinpoint. They reached a door before she figured it out. Barrett pulled a cardkey from her pocket and slid it in and out of the thin slot above the door handle. The light flashed green, and Barrett turned the lever and pushed open the door.

  *

  The room was exquisite. Kelly walked through the foyer and into the large main room. She’d never seen a hotel room so extravagant, and she certainly didn’t belong in this one.

  “Barrett, this is too much. I can’t accept this.”

  “Kelly, please, let me do this for you.” Barrett walked farther into the room. “All that matters is that you’re safe and comfortable.”

  Kelly didn’t protest again as Barrett showed her where everything was in the room. “This door connects to my room, and your parents are one floor down. I could try to get the one on the other side for them if you’d like.”