Because of You

by Julie Cannon

  “Must have been for her. I can’t imagine you had any difficulty getting a date for any reason,” Barrett said as they started walking toward the mall, Kelly on her left.

  “Most of the time it was for her. But not because of the reason you said. I didn’t date much, but if you asked Ariel she’d say I didn’t date at all.”

  “Why would she say that?” Barrett asked, stepping to her right and off the sidewalk to allow a woman with a walker to pass between them. Even though there was plenty of room on the sidewalk for the woman and Kelly, Kelly quickly moved so that Barrett was between her and the woman. She didn’t answer until the woman passed, and even then she looked over her shoulder at her.

  “I worked a lot, volunteered, and worked on my house. I preferred to stay home alone than try to make stupid small talk with some guy who was boring as hell. I’d rather do myself than do that.”

  Barrett stumbled and caught herself before she made a complete fool of herself. Did Kelly say what she thought she had? Did she mean it the way it came out?

  “You okay?” Kelly asked, as she grabbed Barrett’s arm.

  Not in a million years. “Yeah, just not watching where I’m going.” Lie number two.

  An approaching car slowed and Kelly froze. Barrett moved Kelly to her left so her body was between Kelly and the car. She put her arm around Kelly’s shoulders. “It’s okay. They’re just turning.”

  They started walking again and Kelly was silent. Barrett knew Kelly’s reaction was normal, but it still hurt her nonetheless. She dropped her arm from Kelly’s shoulder and wrapped it through her elbow instead.

  “I think you mentioned once that you’d been married.” Lie number three. Kelly had never mentioned it, but Barrett was trying to get her mind off her fear of the street.

  “Yes, a long time ago.”

  “What happened?” When Aaron had told Barrett about Kelly’s failed marriage right after Barrett had been rescued, he hadn’t provided any details. She was curious and wanted a distraction for Kelly.

  “I don’t know. It just wasn’t working. I think I got married because it was the thing to do. You know, go to school, grow up, get married, live happily ever after. I even had a white picket fence.”

  Barrett saw Kelly start to relax and even smile.

  “Max was good to me, but after a few months I started to realize he wasn’t for me. I spent the next few months really trying to make it work, but we finally decided to call it quits. He and I are still close. Do you think that’s weird?” she asked, looking at Barrett seriously.

  “I suppose it depends on why you got divorced and how it all ended between you. But what do I know? I do know, however, that you can never have too many friends.” She didn’t, but it sounded like the right thing to say.

  “I suppose.” Kelly didn’t sound like she was sure herself. “Ariel thinks it’s just weird, like I still have a torch for him.”

  “Do you?” Barrett asked, even though in the pit of her stomach she didn’t want to know the answer.

  “No, not in the slightest. We make better friends than we did lovers.”

  Barrett definitely didn’t want to even think about Kelly making love, even if it was with her husband. “He wasn’t at your homecoming.”

  “He has better sense than that,” Kelly answered, real affection in her voice.

  “I think I like him already.” Little lie number four.

  “Oh, no.” Kelly stopped abruptly.

  “What?” Barrett asked, looking around to see if she could locate the source of the frown that had replaced Kelly’s smile. Nothing looked amiss, but then again, how would she know? She’d never been here in her life.

  “It’s gone.” Kelly sounded heartbroken.

  “What’s gone?”

  “The restaurant I was taking you to.” Her shoulders slumped. “I guess a lot of things changed while I wasn’t here.”

  Barrett didn’t know what to do. And she had absolutely no idea what to say, but she had to say something. “Maybe they moved.” God, that sounded lame.

  “Maybe,” Kelly replied, but not too confidently.

  “We can go in and ask.” Barrett had to make this right for Kelly. “They may know where they went.” She still didn’t know which store was the one in question. Kelly would have to lead.

  The manager of the new deli had no idea if or where the other shop was now, and it wasn’t listed in any app on her phone.

  “Forget it,” Kelly said, obviously trying not to show her disappointment. “I know a dozen other places we can go to. That is if they’re still here,” she added. “Come on.” She took Barrett’s hand and pulled her across the street.

  “So what do you think about my foray into married life?” Kelly asked, after the waiter took their order. They’d ended up in a diner not far from their original destination.

  “That’s not what I dreamed about when I was a little girl.” Kelly’s eyes lit up, and Barrett knew she shouldn’t have said that. She wasn’t sure she wanted to have this conversation.

  “What do little lesbian girls dream about when they’re young?”

  Barrett was speechless. It was the first time Kelly had referenced the fact that she was a lesbian. She knew, of course, but it had never been a topic of conversation. But then again, when would it have been?

  “Well, I can’t speak for all little lesbian girls,” she answered, uncomfortable. “I suppose some did, but I think for the most part they didn’t think it was even a possibility to walk down the aisle and marry Ms. Right.”

  “How sad.”

  “Maybe. Some probably dreamt of being strong and successful.”

  “Like you?” Barrett had told Kelly the story of the proof-of-life question the negotiator had asked her about pretending she was an executive.

  “Maybe,” she repeated.

  “Don’t you and your girlfriends ever talk about that kind of stuff, or is that just reserved for straight women?”

  Barrett wasn’t sure if Kelly’s question was serious or teasing. “I don’t usually talk about those kinds of things,” she answered carefully. This was starting to go somewhere Barrett didn’t want it to go, but she didn’t know how to stop it.

  “Why not? What do lesbian girlfriends talk about? Wait a minute,” Kelly said, obviously just realizing something. “Can I even use that term, girlfriend? That has more than one meaning. I mean when I say girlfriend it means my girl friend, but when lesbians say it does it mean the equivalent of boyfriend?” Kelly sat back in her chair. “God, this is confusing.”

  Barrett had to laugh, some of the tension subsiding. “It can be,” she said, nodding. “I suppose when lesbian friends get together they talk about the same things non-lesbians do, at least to a point.”

  “What point?”

  “Well, I suppose some lesbians worry about their hair and their next date and if this outfit makes them look fat—”

  “Hey. Isn’t that stereotyping straight women?” Kelly pretended to be mad but was having a hard time keeping the smile off her face.

  “I suppose. Not any different than every straight woman thinking every lesbian wants to get them naked.”

  “Do you want to get me naked?”

  Water spewed out of Barrett’s mouth and across the table, almost hitting Kelly. WTF? No, no, no!

  “Well, do you?” Kelly asked after Barrett was finally able to stop choking on the water that had managed to go down the wrong pipe.

  Barrett felt like a fish trying to get air. Her mouth was opening and closing, but no words could come out. Her brain had completely shut down. She looked around for an escape.

  Barrett laughed. “That’s a no-win question. If I say yes, then I’m a letch. If I say no, then that might be even worse. Let’s just say I don’t think that way. So see, I guess we both don’t fit our respective stereotype.”

  Thankfully Barrett was spared any further conversation on this topic when the waiter served their lunch.

  “You look a little ti
red,” Kelly said a few minutes later.

  She hadn’t slept well last night, especially after wondering who had been in Kelly’s bed. And between their pre-lunch conversation and watching Kelly’s tongue dart out just before the spoon disappeared into Kelly’s mouth, she was a complete basket case.

  “Just a little, I guess,” she answered vaguely.

  “What did you do last night?”

  “A little work.” Lie number five was okay. No way was she going to say she sat in front of the window and thought about her. How even though Kelly was home, she was still almost completely consumed with guilt that Kelly had to deal with everything. And my God, she was pregnant too.

  Dr. Hinton had spoken to her before they left Panama and cautioned Barrett again not to assume responsibility for Kelly’s situation. She’d reiterated that the circumstances of her own rescue were completely out of her control. Barrett saw her lips move and heard sound, but the words had never penetrated. She wouldn’t let them.

  “How about you?”

  “It was kind of weird. I knew I was home, but it didn’t really feel like home. I did a few loads of laundry, took a shower, and went to bed. You know, normal stuff. I was in familiar surroundings, but it felt anything but normal. I felt a little disjointed, like I had one foot here and the other back there.”

  Kelly didn’t need to define “back there.” “I remember the first night back in my own bed,” Barrett said. “It was the weirdest feeling sleeping in a bed again. I really had a hard time. Don’t tell anyone, but I even spent a few nights on the floor.” Kelly laughed, an absolutely wonderful sound.

  “I won’t tell if you don’t,” Kelly said, her smile a little brighter than the day before and the day before that. It was a small sign she was recovering. She made a zipper movement across her lips with her fingertips. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  Barrett suddenly wanted Kelly to know all her secrets.

  *

  Kelly didn’t have to ask twice for Barrett to go shopping with her later that afternoon. She’d lost over sixty pounds during her captivity, and not only did nothing in her closet fit, but she also needed maternity clothes.

  When shopping, Barrett always knew exactly what she needed and where to go, and when she found it she bought it. That is, if she was unable to buy it online or have someone else buy it for her. She’d never shopped with girlfriends as a teenager, and since she didn’t have girlfriends as an adult she’d spent very little time doing it. She hated shopping for anything, had her groceries delivered, and sent Lori out for obligatory gifts.

  Barrett sensed Kelly’s growing tension as they approached the shopping mall. She wanted to turn around and take Kelly back to her house, where she felt safe, and never let her be afraid again.

  “You sure you’re up to this?” she asked carefully. She didn’t want Kelly to feel embarrassed. “You’ve had a long day already.”

  “I’ve got to get at least a few things.”

  Barrett heard the trepidation in Kelly’s voice. Besides, she ignored the question.

  “Okay, but if you start to get too tired, just say the word and we’ll go.” Barrett was more than ever determined to keep a close eye on Kelly but didn’t think it would be a problem. What was a problem, however, was the look they received from the sales clerk when they both stepped into the small dressing room in one of the stores. Like they were going to fuck in the dressing room of Mommie and Me.

  Kelly was obviously petrified to be in the Saturday-afternoon crowds. She stayed so close to Barrett that more than once they tripped over each other, and Kelly had a death grip on her arm. Guilt tore into Barrett to see Kelly in such a state, and after only two stores she convinced Kelly to go back to her house and shop online.

  Barrett was startled when Kelly dropped her fork and it rattled on her dinner plate. After carrying in her packages, Kelly had asked Barrett to stay for dinner. Her heart jumped when Kelly grabbed her stomach, her eyes wide.

  “What is it? Kelly, are you okay? Is it the baby?” Barrett fired off the questions without giving Kelly a chance to answer. In her haste to get to Kelly she knocked over her chair, which clattered on the floor. She hurried over to Kelly and knelt beside her. Her pulse raced and she was scared. Kelly had been through so much; she didn’t need anything else. Kelly’s expression turned from shock and surprise to wonder. “Kelly?” Barrett had no idea what was going on.

  “She kicked.”

  “What?”

  “The baby. She kicked. Just now,” Kelly said, watching her hands move slowly over her growing stomach. She gasped and her hands stopped moving. “Oh, my God, this is amazing.”

  She grabbed Barrett’s hand and placed it on her stomach, pushing her palm flat against it. Barrett involuntarily jerked her hand away when she felt a fluttering under her fingers. “Was that her?” Barrett looked at her hand. She’d never felt anything so light yet firm at the same time. It scared the shit out of her, and she wasn’t the one with the little creature inside her.

  “Yes, it was.”

  “Is this the first time you’ve felt it?”

  “Yes.” Her voice was quiet, almost reverent.

  Kelly raised her head, and their eyes met. Barrett had never seen such indescribable joy, awe, and wonder. Kelly’s eyes sparkled and her face glowed. It was a stunning combination. She was absolutely beautiful. It took her breath away.

  “Oh, there she is again.” Kelly broke into a huge smile and slid Barrett’s hand higher on her stomach, stopping just under her breast.

  The top of Barrett’s fingers lightly brushed against Kelly’s breasts, and she didn’t know if the experience of Kelly’s baby moving or Kelly herself made her so light-headed. Both were the most intimate experiences of her life.

  “There, did you feel it?” Kelly asked breathlessly.

  Oh I felt it all right. She nodded instead.

  “It’s amazing. My baby. I’m actually having a baby. I never really thought about it before now. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it was never really real until just now. I’m going to have a baby,” she repeated.

  Yes. You are, and if I hadn’t left you behind you wouldn’t be.

  “I guess I’d better start thinking about a name.”

  “You have some time. My admin Lori said you have to try the name out for a few months. See how it sounds. She said it has to be screamable—I think was the phrase she used. You know, how it sounds when you’re calling her to dinner or when you’ve got your mom thing going on. She’ll know she’s in trouble when you pull out the big guns of the first, middle, and last name.”

  Kelly laughed, her breasts making contact with Barrett’s fingers. Between that sensation, Kelly’s smile, and the joy in her laugh, Barrett was completely fucked.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Saying good-bye to Kelly this time was different. Barrett wasn’t leaving to come back later or even tomorrow to check up on how she was doing or if she needed anything. She was saying good-bye here at the airport. She was flying back to San Francisco—to her job, her responsibilities, her life. And it didn’t include Kelly.

  She’d stayed in Denver, near Kelly, for three more weeks. She’d seen improvement in Kelly and knew she was talking with Dr. Hinton every day. She was still afraid and on guard when around people, when they were in crowds, and she refused to go to a movie. Her friends visited or called, and Kelly had agreed to meet them for dinner a few times.

  But Barrett had to get back to the office. Debra was calling every day, and when asking Barrett to come back didn’t work, she tried threats and even a thorough dose of guilt.

  “Barrett, you have got to get back here and start dealing with your own things. I understand your tie to Kelly, but you have responsibility for thousands of other people as well. Business is suffering. Clients are asking where you are and worried that Digital won’t be able to continue to support them. They’re no longer buying the ‘she’s out of town’ line. Rumors are circulating about your psychological st
ate and the financial stability of the company. Some are dropping not-so-subtle hints that if they don’t see you soon, they’ll take their business elsewhere.”

  “Debra—”

  “No, Barrett. Get your shit together and get your ass back here. I expect to see you Monday morning at eight. If not, I’ll go to court and take control of Digital, and don’t think I won’t. I don’t need this job, but I will not let you ruin the lives of every employee in this company. I mean it, Barrett. Monday eight sharp.” Barrett had never heard that tone in Debra’s voice before.

  Kelly trembled in her arms, a horn honking somewhere around them, and Barrett knew Kelly was doing her best to be strong. Anyone else looking at them would simply see the emotional reaction of two friends saying good-bye. But Barrett knew Kelly better than that. She was still scared, anxious, and too cautious. But as much as she wanted to stay by her side forever, she knew it wasn’t good for her or Kelly. This would be a major turning point in Kelly’s recovery.

  “You’re going to be okay,” Barrett said into Kelly’s strawberry-scented hair as they hugged. Kelly had insisted on driving her to the airport, and they were standing on the sidewalk below the departure sign for US Air.

  “I’ll call you tonight, after I get home,” Barrett said. “You know you can call me anytime, day or night. Doesn’t matter if you want to ask my opinion on paper or plastic or if you just want to gab.” She was trying to turn the scene from sad to lighthearted, but when Kelly tightened her arms she knew she wouldn’t succeed.

  God, she wanted to stay here exactly like this forever. Well, maybe not exactly like this, in the hustle and bustle of the airport departure area, but in Kelly’s life, keeping her safe and giving her everything she needed. If she was honest with herself, she’d also add staying in her arms. It was Kelly that finally pulled away.

  “Okay, that’s enough. You’re going to miss your flight if you stay here any longer.”

  Kelly wasn’t even trying to hide the tears cascading down her cheeks. Barrett suddenly felt sick.