Because of You

by Julie Cannon

  *

  The next morning Barrett walked into the baby’s room, fully intending to correct the mess she’d made yesterday. She heard Kelly’s voice over the monitor, and Barrett realized she’d forgotten to turn off the monitor when she left the room last night. Kelly was talking with Dr. Hinton, which was why she’d chosen this time to finish the painting. As she walked across the room to turn it off, Kelly spoke again.

  “I told her she was cute, but what I really wanted to tell her was that she was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.”

  Barrett froze, her fingers on the off switch.

  Kelly spoke again. “Yes. Yes, I did. No, I have no idea.”

  As much as she wanted to continue to listen, Kelly deserved her privacy, so Barrett turned the knob to the off position. She would have heard only Kelly’s side of the conversation, which might or might not have given her any additional insight. No matter how much she wanted to know, she refused to violate Kelly’s trust. She was folding the drop cloth when she heard the doorbell ring.

  “Furniture’s here,” Kelly said from the other room.

  *

  Barrett leaned in closer. She didn’t blink, and she wasn’t even sure she was breathing. “Is that her?”

  Dr. Reed moved the wand a little and pushed a few buttons. “Yep, there she is.”

  Barrett had driven Kelly to her checkup, and Dr. Reed was doing another sonogram. Barrett was standing beside Kelly as the baby came into focus. “Oh my God, Kelly. She’s beautiful.”

  “Barrett, she’s waving at you,” Kelly said.

  “No, she isn’t,” Barrett said. Or was she? “Oh, man, she’s moving. Look at her. It’s like she’s floating.” Barrett had never seen anything as breathtaking as this. Kelly took her hand, and Barrett dragged her eyes away from the baby and looked at her. She didn’t know which was more beautiful, the sight of Kelly’s baby growing inside her or what she saw in Kelly’s eyes. They were filled with tears threatening to overflow.

  “Kelly? Honey, what is it?” She turned to Dr. Reed, her heart crowding her throat. “Is something wrong with the baby? Is something wrong with Kelly?”

  “No, no, not at all,” Kelly said quickly. “I’m fine and the baby’s fine. I’m just so happy you’re here. With me and my baby.”

  Barrett’s relief was so overwhelming she had to sit down. She was actually shaking. She’d thought she might lose Kelly, and she was still trying to breathe normally.

  “Oh, Barrett, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

  “Frighten me? You scared the ever-living holy shit out of me. God, Kelly if anything happened to you…” Her own tears were choking her.

  “Nothing’s going to happen to either one of them, if I have anything to say about it,” Dr. Reed said. Barrett had forgotten she was even in the room and had to pull herself together. She was teetering on the edge of—what? She had no idea, but she didn’t like it.

  “How does that thing work?” Barrett asked the doctor, trying to get her legs back under her. Technology, that’s what she knew and that’s what grounded her.

  “The gel is a conductor for the sound waves. The transducer,” the doctor waved the wand in the air, “produces sound waves into the uterus. The sound waves bounce off bones and tissue, returning to the transducer to generate black-and-white images of the fetus.”

  “Wow,” Barrett said, more impressed with what the technology was showing than the actual technology itself. That was amazing and another thing about herself that Barrett didn’t recognize.

  The doctor had given Barrett a copy of the sonogram, and Barrett still hadn’t taken her eyes off it even after they got home.

  *

  “Thank you for taking me today,” Kelly said later that evening, her feet propped up on two pillows at the end of the couch.

  “Thank you for letting me.” Barrett was still a little choked up over the entire experience, and Kelly suddenly seemed on the verge of crying. “Kelly, what is it?” She moved closer and sat precariously on the edge of the couch. If she wasn’t careful she’d end up on her butt or in Kelly’s lap, or what was left of it.

  When Kelly tried to answer only her mouth moved. Barrett’s pulse rocketed again.

  “Kelly, honey, you can talk to me. Tell me.” Barrett was almost pleading, but she had to find out what was wrong.

  “I’m afraid I won’t love her.”

  What? Who? She won’t love who? Oh my God, she’s afraid she won’t love the baby. Barrett fought to maintain control over her facial expressions as she worked through what to say. “Kelly—”

  “Don’t give me a bunch of platitudes. I’ve already said them to myself a hundred times. ‘Of course you’ll love her, she’s your daughter,’ or ‘you’re just scared, all first-time mothers are.’”

  “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that what you’re feeling is probably perfectly normal in your situation. I’d be scared too if I were in your shoes. But you’re a woman full of life and full of love and caring, and that will transfer to your baby. You’ll be a fabulous mother.” Somehow Barrett knew that was true.

  “I’m afraid,” Kelly said, just before she started to cry.

  Barrett gathered her in her arms. “I know. I know.” She pulled Kelly onto her lap. “I’m here for you.”

  “You’re the only one.” Kelly had a handful of her shirt and her faced was pressed tight against it.

  “The only one what?” God, she hated it when a woman cried, and it was especially hard because it was Kelly.

  “There’s no one…nobody that I…” The rest was muffled in her shirt.

  Barrett finally got it. She was the only one Kelly was sharing this with. Her parents, her friends, maybe even a husband should be with her, reveling in the joy of Kelly having a baby, becoming a mother. Helping her through the swollen ankles, mood swings, and insecurities.

  “I’m afraid she’ll look like…”

  Barrett put her finger under Kelly’s chin and lifted it so that their eyes met. She shook her head. “No. She’ll have dark hair and big brown eyes that look at the world with wonder and curiosity. She’ll have dimples and a smile that’ll take your breath away. She’ll be smart and inquisitive, strong and gentle. She’ll be kind and thoughtful, always thinking of others.” Barrett caressed Kelly’s cheek with the back of her hand. “She’ll be beautiful, just like her mother.”

  *

  Kelly fell into the depths of Barrett’s words. She knew Barrett and was certain she’d meant every word. She could see it in her eyes when she looked at her and in her expression when she saw the baby for the first time this afternoon. The way she helped her in and out of the car and the bathroom revealed Barrett’s sincerity.

  She had to find a way to tell Barrett how she felt, how much she meant to her. What a wonderful woman she was and how lucky she was to have her in her life. But that wasn’t quite it either. There was more to it than that, but Kelly didn’t know what it was or how to convey it. She was grasping for words when she pulled Barrett to her and kissed her.

  It was soft and gentle, tentative and exploring, and Barrett let her lead. She was inundated with sensations she’d never experienced. She longed for Barrett to wrap her strong arms around her. She craved her touch, needed her strong body next to her, beside her, under her, on top of her. Lightning shot through her when she realized she wanted Barrett—wanted her, needed her. Desired her.

  “Barrett, please,” she said against Barrett’s mouth. God, she was driving herself crazy, and Barrett’s restraint wasn’t helping. Kelly reached around and wrapped her arms around Barrett, running her hands up and down her back. She felt Barrett struggle for control and reveled in the thought that she could make this strong, wonderful woman lose it. She felt powerful yet humble, desired yet unsure, reckless yet cautious. And it was all because of Barrett. She hadn’t fallen for a woman; she had fallen for Barrett.

  Her knowledge gave her power, and she accepted it. She took Barrett without hesi
tation, kissing her more deeply, sliding her hands under her shirt. Oh, God, her skin was soft and hot, and Kelly had never felt anything so perfect. It quivered under her tentative touch, arched under the exploring fingers, responded to her bold moves.

  Barrett’s breasts were as soft as she’d imagined they would be those months ago in that dark hotel room in Panama. She was frightened then, but now, in Barrett’s arms, she was fearless. Kelly needed more. She needed to taste every inch of this wonderful woman, feel her naked skin against hers. She pushed Barrett’s shirt up and started with the tip of the breast that haunted her dreams.

  When she kissed it lightly it swelled against her lips. Barrett groaned and grabbed the back of her head, pulling her closer. Words couldn’t describe the rush of joy that cascaded through her body at Barrett’s reaction. She had the power to make her vulnerable, and she would never, ever abuse it.

  Suddenly Barrett pulled away, struggling to dislodge herself from Kelly’s embrace. She was flushed, breathing quickly, and dragged her shaking hands through her short hair, yanking her shirt down.

  “We can’t do this.”

  “What?” Kelly asked, confused. This was the last thing she’d expected.

  “We can’t do this, Kelly,” Barrett repeated, not making eye contact with her.

  “Why not?” When Barrett didn’t answer she repeated the question. “Why not, Barrett?”

  “Because…because you…and I…” She waved her hands in the air as if trying to pull words down and into her mouth.

  “Because I what? I’m ugly? Pregnant? Straight? Damaged?” She almost choked on the last word.

  “What? No, no,” Barrett said quickly. “No, I mean yes, but no.”

  If this moment wasn’t so awkward it would be funny. “Which is it, Barrett?”

  Barrett closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them again. “No, it’s not because you’re pregnant. I think you’re beautiful, and never, ever refer to yourself as damaged again.” Barrett’s voice got stronger as she answered Kelly’s questions. But she’d only answered two of them.

  “Then what is it, Barrett? It can’t be because I’m straight. No straight woman would kiss you like that, no matter how attractive you are.”

  Barrett paced the room. “Kelly, you don’t understand,” she said, then seemed to run out of steam.

  “Then make me,” she shot back. Barrett was infuriating, and Kelly was beginning to lose what little control she’d regained after touching Barrett’s body.

  Barrett stumbled over her words, none of which made any sense. Finally Kelly said, “Barrett, sometimes you think too much. You might not think you want to continue what happened here on this couch, but your body told me otherwise. And if I can figure it out, you can too. I can’t wait around all day for you to sort it all out. I’m about to get really busy here, and you can either get on this little yellow school bus or get on your Learjet and fly out of town. I care for you, Barrett. More than I ever thought I would, and in a way that I never thought I could.”

  “Do you think you’re feeling this because of what happened in Columbia?” Barrett finally said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Because of The Colonel and what he—”

  “So because I was raped I now desire women?”

  “It’s been known to happen,” Barrett said carefully.

  “Well, that’s not what happened to me.”

  Barrett nodded. “It’s been known to happen,” Barrett said again.

  “Stop saying that! Sure it can happen, but I don’t understand that. If I was a lesbian and raped by a woman, then that’s going to make me straight? That argument is fundamentally flawed.”

  “Kelly—”

  “No, Barrett, you listen to me. Why are you making all these excuses for me? Yeah, I’ve never desired a woman before, but up until last week I never ate Brussels sprouts either, and I thought they were pretty damn good. So just because I haven’t ever, doesn’t mean I’m not.”

  Barrett was at a loss for words. She was trying to figure out how to explain to Kelly what she was going through. She tried a different approach. “Have you heard of transference?”

  Kelly cocked her head, a look on her face that said you’ve got to be fucking kidding me, which she quickly verbalized by saying exactly that. “I know what transference is. And so what you’re saying is that because I’m grateful that you saved my life I’m transferring those feelings to you? That I’ll have sex with you because you want to and I feel obligated because you saved my life? That I’ve fallen for you? I desire you? I want to have sex with you? Make love with you? Put my mouth on you? How does that work? Because I don’t think that argument holds any more water than your other one does. You are so full of shit you don’t know just how full of shit you are.

  “I get it now,” Kelly said, suddenly enlightened. “You don’t want me. You don’t want me and my baby. So why don’t you just dyke up and say so.”

  “Kelly, that’s not—”

  “Yes, it is. You seem to think you know what I’m thinking and feeling. Then I’ll mirror that. Let me tell you something, Barrett, that no one probably has the guts to tell you, the great and powerful Barrett Taylor.” Kelly pointed at her. “You are fucking wrong. Flat-out fucking wrong. You need to open your eyes to what’s right in front of you, because if you don’t,” Kelly said calmly, “you’re going to miss the best thing that ever happened to you.” With that she got off the couch and walked out of the room.

  Barrett was stunned. If she hadn’t known what to say before, she definitely didn’t know what to say now. She’d completely underestimated Kelly. She’d continued to view her as a victim when Kelly certainly no longer viewed herself that way, if she ever had.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “Barrett.”

  Kelly’s whisper was soft and warm, her touch on her arm arousing.

  “Barrett.”

  “I love the sound of your voice saying my name.” She arched to where the sound was coming from, wanting for the sound to caress her body.

  “Barrett, honey, I need you to wake up.”

  Barrett opened her eyes and saw Kelly’s beautiful face right in front of her. Even in the shadows of the night she could see Kelly’s eyes clearly. They were dark and burning. She reached up and slid her hand behind Kelly’s neck and pulled her into a kiss. Rockets danced behind her eyelids. The kiss they’d shared yesterday was almost chaste in comparison to this one. It was bold and sensuous, with the promise of more to come. Tongues battling for control, both of them gasping for breath, Barrett pulled Kelly fully into an embrace, her body warm and compliant. Suddenly Kelly broke away with a gasp that brought Barrett out of her bliss.

  “Ugh,” Kelly said, grabbing her stomach and panting in short, quick breaths—obviously in pain instead of passion.

  “Kelly, my God, what is it?” Barrett shook the last of the sleep from her brain. She had no idea what was going on. One minute Kelly was waking her with kisses, the next…oh, fuck!

  Barrett scampered to a sitting position, turning on the light beside the bed. Kelly was doubled over, her face twisted in agony. “My God, Kelly, is it the baby?”

  “Yes,” she said through clenched teeth. “I’ve already called the doctor. We’ve got to go. She wants me at the hospital.”

  At that point the full reality of what was going on hit her. Kelly was having the baby. She scrambled out of bed, almost knocking Kelly to the floor, then grabbed her with both hands and set her gently back on the bed. “Jesus, Kelly, I’m sorry. Are you all right?”

  Kelly’s breathing was beginning to return to normal. “At this very moment, yes.” Kelly looked at her. “But I suggest you get dressed, now.”

  Barrett glanced down and saw that she was completely naked. She hustled into the heap of clothes she’d dumped in a pile on the floor, slipped on her shoes, and grabbed her wallet and phone off the nightstand.

  She helped Kelly into the car, and they were speeding down
the expressway before her brain started working again. “When did you start having contractions?”

  “I woke up about one thirty and felt, I don’t know, odd. The first one hit a few minutes after two. It didn’t feel like the ones I’d had before, so I called Dr. Reed. While I was waiting for the answering service to put me through, my water broke. So ready or not, this little girl is on her way.”

  Kelly grimaced again, panting again. “Jesus,” Barrett said, and stomped on the gas, throwing both of them against the back of the seats. It seemed like forever until the grip of the contraction started to let loose. “How far apart are they?” She remembered reading that the closer the contractions the closer the baby’s head. No way was she going to let Kelly give birth in the backseat of her car.

  “How do women do this?” she asked. “Having something moving around inside you, kicking and making it hard to breathe and leaning against your bladder so you have to pee all the time. And to get it out through…” Barrett couldn’t even imagine. “No offense, but this doesn’t look like a good time.” She wasn’t even sure it was the right time to be asking these stupid questions, but she was more nervous than she’d been in her entire life.

  Kelly didn’t have to answer; the blinking red sign of the emergency room came into view. She pulled into the circle drive and jumped out almost before she turned off the car. She grabbed one of the empty wheelchairs lined up like toy soldiers waiting for their battle assignments. She helped Kelly into the wide chair and shut the door harder than she meant to, adrenaline racing through her. She approached the double doors and they automatically opened.

  The lights were bright, the smell identical to that of any other hospital she’d been in. Flashbacks of when she was wheeled into the emergency room in Panama tickled the edge of her consciousness. She pushed them back. This wasn’t about her; this was about Kelly.