The Man Who Cried

by Catherine Cookson

  ”but she took a fancy to your big fellow there, so much so that she chained him up to the byres to try to keep him. It was a very scary business, wasn’t it, young man?” He looked towards Dick now, but Dick, his memory recalling in flashes the scene in the barn, merely nodded his head.

  ”It’s all right, sir” - Arthur Baines had joined them - ”the brake had got jammed. I’ve fixed it.”

  ”Oh, thanks, thanks. Well, well. Now I must be off and get settled in in a hotel. Your wife’s told me there’s two good ones in the town.” He looked from one to the other, then back to Abel, saying on a laugh, ”You know, it’s a pity you didn’t stick with her, I mean Tilly. She died three months later, she would have left you the lot. But there it is, I came in for it. Perhaps it was just as well, eh ? It ensured my early retirement and I’m now able to jaunt where and when I will. But it’s been nice seeing you again; as I said, I’ve often thought of you. By! you were scared that day; you thought you had killed her, and for a moment I thought you 149

  had an’ all. Well, good-bye again. Good-bye, young sir,” he said, putting his hand on Dick’s head; then turning to Hilda, he again held out his hand, saying, ”I’m very pleased to have met you and I am glad to see he’s picked himself a fine-looking little wife.”

  The three of them stood and watched him getting into the car; they watched until he had turned it around, and when he waved to them they all perfunctorily answered his salute.

  As Abel walked away towards the door that led to the workroom Dick made to follow him, but was stopped by Hilda touching his sleeve, and he turned obediently with her and went into the house. But no sooner was the kitchen door closed behind them that she confronted him, and with her head moving backwards and forwards in an action of disbelief she asked him, ”Was all that true?”

  He nodded dumbly at her.

  ”You mean there was a woman who . . . who chained him up ? ... Was . . . was he living with her ?” As her question ended on a high note he put in quickly, ”No, no; we had just stopped and asked for a night’s shelter in the barn. And this woman - she . . . she looked crazy right from the start - she . . . she said that -” He looked downwards now and the words wouldn’t come until she shook him roughly by the shoulders, ”Well! what did she say?”

  ”She said God had sent him to help her.”

  Recognizing the reason for his reluctance in making this statement she said quietly, ”Go on.”

  ”He ... he worked all day cleaning out the pigs and clearing the yard, and it was pouring. That night... he said he was going the next day and when she brought his supper - she only brought food for one, she didn’t recognize me.”

  ”What do you mean, she didn’t recognize you ?”

  ”She wouldn’t allow me any food. I ... I don’t think she liked children. Anyway, she must have drugged the cocoa because when he woke up he was chained with an iron hoop around his ankle, and another round one wrist.”

  ”Oh dear God!” She put her hand to her face.

  ”And when I woke up I was dopey, but I found an iron bar and I gave it to him, and when she brought his breakfast in he lunged at her. It caught her on the side of her arm and broke it, but when she fell she hit her head on the stones.”

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  He suddenly put his hand tightly across his mouth and the next minute he found himself sitting in the chair and her holding his

  brow.

  ”Are you going to be sick ?”

  ”No, no; I just felt sort of faint.”

  After a moment she said, ”Go on then,” and he looked up at her now and said slowly, ”That’s all really, except that I sometimes dream about it. It’s like a nightmare; I dream I’m fumbling among her clothes for the keys. Dad must have thought she could die because I remember we went into the village and we saw him, the doctor. He turned out to be her cousin and he took us back with him. Dad didn’t want to go, I remember, nor me, I was scared stiff. But he was kind, the doctor. ...”

  ”You’re sure you don’t want to be sick ?”

  ”No.”

  A moment or so later Hilda said, ”Here, drink this tea then,” and as he drank the tea she stood watching him; and then she said quietly but without bitterness, ”You’re a pair, aren’t you for keeping secrets. What else hasn’t he told me ?”

  When the cup jerked in the saucer she had to grab it to stop it from falling while he spluttered,

  ”Nothing, nothing else, nothing.”

  ”It’s all right. It’s all right, don’t agitate yourself. Look, sit there and have your tea, I’ll be back in a minute.” She stroked his hair from his brow and smiled at him before she turned and went out and across the yard in the direction of the workroom. But he didn’t start his tea, he went into the scullery and now he really was sick.

  iji

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  PART FOUR

  <&Kfe

  The Second Incident 1941

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  1

  ”Where you going?” ’.

  ”You know fine well where I’m going, I’m going fire-watching.” ,;-

  ”Huh! fire-watching. Tell me, are you the only one that does fire-watching in this part of the town ? This must be the fourth time you’ve gone fire-watching this week.”

  Esther Burrows screwed up her white peevish face, turned on to her side in the bed and added,

  ”Fire-watching in that ? Why have a good frock on to go fire-watching? Now, who do you think you’re hoodwinking ? You’re off out, aren’t you, with some man or other? Or is it your little boy from next door? You should be ashamed of yourself ... a child like that ! I know what’s going on and I’m going to . . .”

  ”What are you going to do ?”

  ”I’m . . . I’m going to put a stop to it. I’m going to have her over here and tell her, or better still his father, and tell them that he’s never out of my kitchen. A boy still at school! You should be right down ashamed of your . . .”

  ”Shut up!”

  ”What! how dare you speak to me like that? It’s coming . . .”

  ”Yes, I dare; and it is coming to something, and it’s long overdue.”

  The tall young woman was leaning over the bottom rail of the bed, her arms spread wide gripping the rails, and the indignation that flooded her shook the whole bedstead as she cried, ”I’ve had enough! Do you hear? I’ve had enough. Now I’m going to give you an option. For the future you’ll leave me alone and let me lead some sort of a life of my own. I’ve waited on you hand and foot for years, the only freedom I’ve had has been during this last year when I was called upon to do part-time work. And you even tried

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  to stop that, didn’t you ? You had to be looked after, hadn’t you ? Do you know what you are?”

  She leant still further over the rails. ”You’re nothing but a selfish bitch of a woman, you’re a parasite, and you’re a scheming crafty one into the bargain. Oh ... go on, hold your heart and have another one of your attacks but let me tell you before you decide to put on your act that you’ll lie there until morning because I’m not going to stay in to see to you. And I’ll tell you something else while I’m on, I’m carting no more jugs of hot water up those stairs for you. If you are able to get downstairs to the shelter, then you are able to come down to the bathroom. All these years I’ve trapesed up and down these stairs, washed you, dried you, powdered you. Oh Mother!” She ground out the word, then shook her head before going on, ”You wore my father out mentally and physically; well, it’s not too late to save myself, and so now I’m giving you an ultimatum. You allow me my liberty, the liberty I’m entitled to, or else I’ll walk out. . . . Oh yes, I will. You’ve rubbed it into me for years that I couldn’t earn my living except by doing menial housework, you’ve held this house and your money dangling in front of my nose like a carrot; well, I’ve never liked carrots of any sort and I’ve found out that I can earn my living other than by being a slave to an ungrateful, selfish individual. So th
ere now, you’ve had it.”

  She loosened her grip on the rail, straightened her back, then walked towards the door; and there she turned and said, ”No, I’m not going fire-watching. If you want to know the truth I’m going to a dance . . . a dance. And I’m going with a man, a soldier. He’s only a common private but he’s a man.”

  As she pulled open the door her mother drew herself up from her pillows, crying now, ”What. . .

  what if there’s a raid ?”

  ”Pray as you always do.”

  As she banged the bedroom door closed the whole house seemed to vibrate, not so much with the sound from the door but with the trembling of her body. Every nerve seemed to be jangling.

  At the top of the stairs she gripped hold of the balustrade and, bringing her head down on to the back of her hands, she muttered, ”Oh my God! My God!” How had she dared to say all that? But more so, from where had she got the courage to say it ? For years it had been brewing in her: her mother’s incessant demands, her pettiness, her selfishness had fermented in her until now it had 156

  burst from her like bad wine. . . . But she shouldn’t have spoken to her like that. . . . But wait.

  No ! She straightened herself. What she had done, what she had said had long been overdue, and she wasn’t going to ruin the effect of her bid for freedom by snivelling feelings of guilt and remorse.

  She went quickly down the stairs now, but she was still shaking when she took her coat from the hall wardrobe. After putting it on and tying a head scarf under her chin, she leaned forward and peered at herself in the hall mirror. Although the light was bad the outlines of her face looked sharp. Her cheek bones seemed to be pressing against the skin, emphasizing the sallowness of it.

  Even anger, apparently, couldn’t bring a rosy glow to her face. Her eyes looked big and dark . . .

  and fierce. Well, she felt fierce.

  She now made a quick circuit of the ground floor adjusting the window blackouts ; and lastly, before opening the front door she pulled back the heavy curtain covering it, readjusting it before stepping outside; then, having locked the door, she put the key behind the foot scraper. Two minutes later she was walking quickly through the garage yard and towards the kitchen door.

  Just before she reached it, it opened and Dick greeted her with, ”You’re late; I was coming for you.”

  ”Oh.” She made an impatient movement with her head, then went past him into the kitchen and when she saw Hilda standing with her coat and hat on she said quickly, ”I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry I’ve kept you waiting.”

  ”Oh, that’s all right; it hardly ever gets started before eight anyway. The lads make sure they’re there then because of the refreshments.” Hilda smiled; then her face straightening, she asked,

  ”What’s the matter? Something wrong?”

  Molly now bowed her head as she said, ”I’ve . . . I’ve had words.”

  ”Not before time. Of course it all depends upon what you said.”

  They all turned and looked towards Abel who was sitting in the armchair before the fire and Molly said quietly, ”I’ve . . . I’ve made a stand but I think I’ve said too much.”

  ”Well, she’s asked for it, I’ll have to say that. Whatever you’ve said to your mother she’s asked for it.”

  Looking at Hilda now, Molly nodded and replied, ”I suppose so. But oh I did go on.” She gave a little embarrassed laugh. ”By the way I’m going to a dance with a soldier. He’s only a private.

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  I think the private bit shocked her more than aafthing else I said.”

  They were all laughing now, Abel the loudest of all, and he rose from his chair as he said, ”You could get a soldier any day in the week, Molly; and not just a private. I’m surprised at the army, navy, and air force, I thought they had more about them. Well, not the navy, I suppose, as we don’t see many of them in this quarter, but the other ones must have their eyes closed.”

  ”Oh! Mr Gray.” She turned her head to the side in a derisive movement which made him cry,

  ”I’m not joking. What’s the matter with you! Don’t you ever look in the glass ?”

  ”Well, I think if we’re going to get there we’d better be making a move. . . . And stop jerking your shoulder like that, Dick. I keep telling you.” Hilda’s voice cut in sharply as she made for the door and Dick, ignoring her remark, looked at Molly and said on a high laugh, ”In five and a half months’ time I’ll be in air force blue, and in six months’ time I bet I’ll have stripes. I might even have me wings. Then I’ll come flying to your front door.”

  ”Why the front?” Molly’s tone was flat. ”You’ve always used the back.”

  Again there was laughter; then Abel, pushing Dick out of the kitchen, said, ”Get yourself away!”

  and as the three of them went down the yard he called, ”Be ready mind at half past ten because I’m on duty at eleven.”

  Dick’s voice came back airily, crying, ”You’ll be lucky,” and Molly answered, ”We will. We will”; but Hilda made no reply, there was no need because he knew she’d be standing ready with her hat and coat on; her part in the evening’s entertainment, that of helping with the refreshments, would be over. She had been to the church hop almost every Saturday night for the last two years and she never danced. She was thirty-six years old and she had never danced. Why

  ? Did she consider that sinful an’ all ? The next row they had he’d put it to her.

  He chuckled to himself as he sat down, stretched his long legs out to the fender, put his hands behind his head, and lay back in the leather chair. Funny, when he came to think of it, they hadn’t had words for well over a year now, well, almost eighteen months. It was the night he had got drunk, and by! he was drunk. He moved uneasily in the chair and dosed his mind to the reason for his getting drunk, then let out a long drawn breath and relaxed.

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  He liked Saturday nights when he had the house to himself. It was the only time he got the chance to be alone in it and a chance to think; and Dick had given him food for thought the night.

  The lad was determined to join up, having his own ideas about the rights and wrongs of killing his fellow men. Only last week he had said to him, ”This is a big war, Dad; you either eat or are eaten.” His words sounded like a quote, and at the same time he was placing the last war in the category of a scrimmage. As were so many other youths, the boy was looking forward to joining up as if it were the preliminary to a world cruise, so what would be his reaction if he were found to be unfit to take the world cruise ?

  Abel pulled himself up straight in the chair and held his hands out towards the fire. It wouldn’t be because of his height, height made no difference to a pilot or an air gunner, but that jerking shoulder and that too ready, too high laugh, alternating with the long far away silences, was something that no one had faced up to yet, least of all himself. The lad was a bundle of nerves.

  But it didn’t need a psychiatrist to point out the cause of the trouble, at least not to him.

  It was about a quarter past ten when Abel drove out of the yard in the repair van. Hilda didn’t mind walking to the church hall in the blackout but she always refused to walk back late at night and, as she said, encounter drunken sots.

  The church hall, which was quite a large one, was used daily as a rest and refreshment room for the armed forces ; and the Saturday night hops held there were patronized not only by those who could dance without the stimulation of intoxicating drink but by non-teetotallers too because ”the eats” were invariably good and plentiful. This abundancy in these very stringent times was rumoured to be the result of a friendship between the quartermaster at the adjoining barracks and a certain lady member of the church. Of course this was only a rumour. Some said it was the miracle of the loaves and fishes over again. And who was going to question such a miracle in these days ? Not even the other lady members of the church committee, not when the miracle provided

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  them with pats of butter, quarter pounds of cheese, and «Iried fruit now and again; and as long as the miracle in the form of Quartermaster Dickinson didn’t get posted the Dorset Street rest-room would continue to be popular.

  Abel stood now just within the doorway of the hall and looked to where lines of linked couples were doing the Lambeth Walk to the accompaniment of the blaring quartet.

  At the far end of the room he saw Hilda standing talking to the Reverend Gilmore. He often wondered if she made for him or he for her, for on most Saturday nights he would see them standing together chatting. She was already dressed for the road and he could detect a look of impatience on her face as she waited for the dance to finish, because Dick and Molly were still stepping it out at the end of a line. Dick had one arm around Molly’s waist and the other around a young woman in uniform. He was evidently enjoying himself, as was Molly. He was glad Molly was having a good time because that lass was living in a cage. He wished she were a little younger or Dick a little older, or Dick a little taller and she a little shorter. Still, what was four years difference ? Not as noticeable really as the three inches between them. It was a pity the lad had never seemed to sprout up; and there certainly wasn’t much hope that he would now.

  The music stopped, and the line of dancers to which Dick and Molly were attached was only a few feet away from him when as though with a final fling Dick, his arm still about the two girls, swung them round so that the three of them stopped in front of him, all laughing.

  ”Enjoyed yourselves ?”

  Abel looked towards Molly as he spoke. Her face still wide with laughter, she answered, ”Oh yes! It’s been a grand night.”

  Abel now looked at Dick, who had released the young woman and was laughing loudly; then his attention was drawn to the young woman herself, she was looking full at him, she had stopped laughing but her mouth was still wide open even while her eyes were narrowing; then as if she had just made a discovery which she had - she thrust out her arm, her finger pointing, and said, ”I know you. Of course, I know you.”