King Pinch

by David Cook

  As they ate, the senior rogue let his eyes wander lest he notice the poor pickings before him. Since he was bored with the study of guardsmen, whose lives offered no imagination, Pinch concentrated on the non-Ankhapurans in the hall, a whole two tables’ worth. It was clear from their seating—one table near the door, the other by the fire—that the two groups traveled apart. Those by the door Pinch had seen when he first arrived. The other party could only have arrived while he was stabling his mount.

  There was a worth in studying the other guests, after all. If any were wealthy, there was always profit to be had in visiting their rooms before the dawn.

  The two men seated near the door were garbed in hard-used traveling clothes, the type favored by old hands at the caravan trade—long riding cloaks waterproofed with sheep fat, warm doublets colored with the dried salts of sweat, and thick-sided boots stuccoed with yellow mud. Practical clothes for practical men with no obvious vanities that would mark them as good coneys to be snared.

  The men themselves were as hard as their clothes. The first, who always kept an eye to the door, Pinch dubbed the Ox. He was huge, with a belly that rolled out beneath his doublet and quivered with any shift of his frame. The trembling flesh ill-concealed the massive muscles of the man, though. Every time he reached for the capon that sat on the table between the two men, his swollen biceps threatened to burst the stitching of his doublet’s seams. Though his face was clean shaven, it was nearly obscured by a wild mass of hair that hung in snarls and tangles.

  The other man Pinch quickly dubbed the Lance—the Ox and the Lance, they were. The Lance was no more slender than Therin, though his shaved head made him look thinner. What truly distinguished him was that every move was a sharp strike using the minimum of effort for the maximum of gain. The Lance didn’t tear at the capon, he dissected the choice meats from it with complacent ease.

  It wasn’t their dress or their frames that raised a caution in the rogue, though. There was a way about them that only those in the trade, for good or ill, would recognize. The way one always watched the door while the other discretely scanned the room; the way neither let both hands be filled at once; the way they held themselves on their chairs.

  “Maeve, Sprite,” Pinch whispered as he casually tore at a chunk of bread, “those two, what do you make of them? Hellriders?”

  The halfling feigned a stretch as he leaned back to get a better look at them. “In disguise and come this far? Not likely.”

  Maeve set down her drink. “Hellriders is mean ones, Pinch, but I ain’t never heard of them coming after someone on the road.”

  “Maybe not.” The rogue stroked the rim of his mug. “Can you read them, Maeve?”

  “Here? With all these people?”

  Her leader nodded.

  The wizard rolled her eyes in exasperation. “It ain’t wise to use powers when you might get caught.”

  “Maeve, you know you won’t. You’re too good,” Pinch flattered.

  The woman harrumphed but was already digging out the material she needed. Pinch and Sprite pulled their chairs close to screen her from the others. The mystic words were a chanted whisper, the gestures minute tracings in the air. An onlooker would have thought her no more than a person distracted by her own inner dreams.

  Without really looking at them, Maeve turned her unblinking gaze on the two men. This was riskiest part of the process, Pinch knew. A stranger staring at you the way Maeve did was always cause for a fight. When at last she blinked, Pinch was just as happy no one had noticed.

  “You’ve got them dead on, Pinch. They’re in the trade and none too happy tonight.” Maeve smiled as she turned back to her dinner. “Got their nerves up, what with a room full of our handsome escorts. Don’t know what they make of us, but they’ve set their eyes to the other company here. Ain’t no more but some terrible thoughts I won’t say in public.”

  Sprite sniggered. “Wouldn’t have been on you now, would they? Or was you just hoping?”

  Brown Maeve swiveled away from the halfling with a snap of her greasy, unwashed hair.

  “Heel your dog, Sprite-Heels,” Pinch rumbled. “You’re none too sweet scented yourself.

  “Maeve, pay this ingrate no mind. Those that count know your quality.” Pinch put a soothing hand on Maeve’s shoulder. “Now, dear Maeve, can you read me the other table?”

  Her face a sulky pout, Maeve let her blank gaze wash for a moment toward Pinch, only to be warned off by the fierceness of his glare, shadowed by the curve of his tender smile.

  “The other table, Maeve,” he directed.

  The witch-woman sighed and lolled her gaze where he nodded.

  Meanwhile the old rogue studied their target. It was a small table by the fire, where sat a lone traveler, unusual enough in a countryside where few traveled alone. That wasn’t the least of it, either, for the traveler was a woman—not unheard of, but just that much more distinguishing. The inn was in the land between lands, an area just beyond the reach of anyone who could claim it, and thus had been laid claim to by highwaymen and beasts of ill renown. The lone traveler who stumbled into this void was prey for any stronger ravager.

  Ergo, Pinch reasoned, this lone woman was not weak, but possibly foolish.

  “She’s saying her words over dinner,” Maeve puzzled out.

  “Invoking what church? And what’s her business?”

  The sorceress stared owl-like before giving up with a sigh. “No good, that is, Master Pinch. She’s got a most fixed mind. What only I got was an image of her roast chick and the thanks to some faceless power. Kept seeing it as a glowing orb, she did.”

  “Sound like any you know, Sprite?”

  The little halfling’s grasp of odd facts was a surprising source of answers. If he knew, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d remembered some chestnut of useless lore to their mutual benefit.

  This time Sprite-Heels shrugged. “Could be any number of trifling sun gods, let alone the big ones like Mask or the Faceless Ones.”

  Pinch leaned forward and looked at the woman with false disinterest. “What about that temple we did?” he asked softly.

  “Not from what Maeve said. Scared, Pinch? She’s probably just some wandering nun, set herself to doing good deeds on the road.”

  The human rapped his mug against the table in irritation. “She’s more than that.”

  “He’s right, you nasty little Sprite,” Brown Maeve crowed. “She’s tougher than some gentry mort. Got that from her, for certain.”

  “What more can you do, Maeve?”

  Pinch was answered with a resigned slump. “No more, love. Spell’s all spent.”

  Sprite, trying to restore himself to the pair’s good graces, offered, “I could pinch her, see what we’d learn.”

  Her clothes were commonplace, sturdy, dusty, and dull, the mark of one with much sense but little coin. Pinch shook his head. “I’ll not be your snap for the strike, halfling. Not worth getting caught. Have you forgot the rules? Never lay your coin on a lean horse or—”

  “—your knife to an empty bung,” Sprite finished. “I know the old rules. I just though it would help.”

  “Ain’t you two just the pair. Worried you’re being hunted and worried you’ll get caught when here we are, out where there ain’t nobody and nothing! Not that we ain’t got enough worries, what with your Lord Cleedis and all his soldiers, or do you two need to go searching for more?” Maeve snapped her words at them and then punctuated her tirade with a stiff drink. “One night in a decent place to sleep and all you pair do is peer at every stranger and guess which one’s going to gut you. I’m telling you—you, Sprite-Heels, and you Master Pinch—to just quit peering under the bed sheets and drink!”

  Both men, human and halfling, stared at her in surprise, thrown from their horses by her outburst. They looked at her; they looked at each other. There was nothing they could do but take up their mugs and drink until there was no more.

  They drank until Therin reappeared with a pu
rse full of extra coin and tales of how he cogged the dice to assure his wins. They drank some more to Therin’s good luck, as if the Lady had any chance of swaying the Gur’s dice. They drank until Sprite slid beneath the table and the innkeeper closed them down. Just in case, they took an extra skin upstairs, carrying it with more care than they carried Sprite-Heels, who had all the unconscious dignity of a sack of potatoes.

  When the guards roused them before the too-early dawn, the four lurched down the stairs, their heads thick as mustard. They paled at the offering of bread smeared with bacon grease, and hurried themselves outside to gulp the farm-fresh air. It did little good except remind them of how miserable they felt. Trembly weak, they fitted the bits and saddled their mounts and unwillingly seated themselves for the day’s ride. Even through all this, even though his eyes never quite focused and his head wouldn’t stop throbbing, Pinch noticed last night’s guests—Ox, Lance, and woman—were gone already. He wondered if each had gone a different route. The woman didn’t matter, since she was not likely to see them again.

  When all was ready, the troop, twenty-strong, plodded down the yellow-mud lane, lurching on their fresh mounts, until they overwhelmed the little track. Flanked by old tress that played father to stands of lush brambles, the group set out on the day’s ride. Whether it was by word from the commander or just wicked luck, the trail was jolting and steep, rising and falling over gullies and streambeds. Every bounce reminded Pinch of just how miserable he felt.

  “Don’t you wonder where that priestess went?” Sprite asked with a cheerfulness that matched his name. Of the four, somehow the halfling was the only one unfazed by hangover; it was probably something to do with the runt’s liver, most likely that it was a pure sponge. “Which way do you think, Pinch?” he pressed, though he knew full well the others could scarcely focus.

  Pinch tried his fiercest glower which, right now, looked more like a pained squint. “What am I—a woodsman? Who knows in this muddy waste? Now shut up before I box you!” The rising tone of his own voice made the rogue flinch.

  Snickering, Sprite-Heels whipped the pony he and Maeve shared safely out of the man’s reach.

  The ride continued, cold, wet, dull, and aching, through the morning and well into the afternoon. At one point, where the trail ran along a cut arched over with leafless elms and dead-gray vines, something coughed beastlike and the winter-dead branches rustled. The troop had to stop while a group of unfortunate soldiers slowly flanked the cut and beat the brush. Nothing came of it, but it delayed them an hour during which no one dared relax.

  Perhaps it was that false alarm that caused them to almost blunder into a fight. The captain had given over command to a sergeant while he rode with Lord Cleedis to curry favor. The sergeant, in turn, was too busy with his flunkies to notice that the outriders were no longer so far out and the whole troop had closed into one small bunch. It was a bad way to travel, where one fireball could wipe them all out.

  Thus it was that there was no one on point to shout “ ’Ware!” when the soldiers slogged around the bend and straight into the midst of a battle. Right where the trail shored the bank of a half-frozen river, a ring of eight mud-splashed men—and then in a flash only seven—awkwardly stalked a single adversary. Armed with bills, hooks, and flails, the seven lunged with the stoop-shouldered awkwardness of peasants. Only one fought with any grace, so much that it took Pinch no time to recognize the Lance. Finding the swordsman, Pinch easily found the Ox.

  The troopers were on top of the men before either side even knew it, the lead horseman splitting the ragged battle line from behind. The distance was to the footmen’s advantage. A wild shriek tore from the lips of the nearest, and before the rider could throw down his useless lance, the billman swung his great poleaxe at the man. The blade scored the horse’s neck, the beast reared and kicked, and ungoverned confusion erupted in the ranks. The closeness of the lane prevented any maneuver. The first man was thrown from his horse, and the panicked beast wheeled to gallop back down the lane. Almost immediately it crashed into the front rank of the troop, too close to part. Two more men and a horse foundered while a bloodthirsty war cry rattled the forest’s dead leaves. The peasant bandits, for their dress of motley proclaimed them as such, sprang upon the fallen outrider, broad blades glinting wintry in the sun.

  With their great polearms held over their shoulders like battering logs, two footmen rushed the broken line, casting more confusion ahead of them. The sergeant screamed orders, the captain screamed, Cleedis screamed, the dying men and horses screamed all at once and all at cross purposes. The twenty horsemen were already down by almost a quarter and showed no signs of turning the tide. Panic was in their ranks as the front crashed into the back, desperate to escape the hordes of murdering berserkers just behind them.

  Equally desperate, Pinch tried to ride his own horse free of the mass, beating it toward the woods when a howling, mud-smeared bandit crashed out of the thicket dead ahead of him. With a shrill whinny, the mount reared. As the rogue flew off backward, he heard the popping crack when hoof smote his attacker’s skull.

  The churned mud cushioned Pinch’s landing so that he kept his breath, but the man barely had time to slither out of the path of a galloping trooper. Struggling up, Pinch was immediately knocked flat by the charging flank of another horse.

  “HUAAAA!” shrieked a man as he leapt forward to straddle the fallen rogue while whirling a poleaxe over his head.

  I’m saved! I’m dead! Pinch couldn’t tell which until the axe tore out the belly of a passing rider. While the bandit yanked to wrench his weapon free, the rogue drew the handle of his mucky dagger and without hesitation drove it upward into the soft gap at the belly of the man’s ill-fitting brigandine armor. The man, all wide eyes and bearded slack jaw spitting blood, squealed in horror until the weight of the still-hooked rider pulled him over.

  That was enough for Pinch. Dagger clenched in a clawlike hand, he scrambled blindly through the blood and slime for safety, dodging the flailing hooves of dying horses, stepping on soft things that he really didn’t want to know about. He wasn’t a soldier accustomed to battle and wasn’t ready to become one, but each time one of the dirty highpads lunged in front of him the thief lashed out. He struck with all the wicked expertise of his knife-fighting, his anger and fury growing with each blow. “Cyric take you, you poxy bastard! Let ’em play hob with your skull in Hades!” He lashed invective as wickedly as he did his knife.

  At the height of his rage, Pinch crashed onto the river and through the thin ice. The swift-moving water shocked up to his thighs, burning out of him the madness but not the killing passion. The blindness that had animated him was gone, and he could see the whole battle once again. The soldiers, finally rallied from their initial panic, were attacking in a dressed line, prancing their horses over the fallen bodies. Now it was the bandits’ turn to panic, their previous discipline a fraud unmasked by the conflict of desire to loot and fear of death. Within moments the lot would break and run.

  A squeal up the bank pulled Pinch’s attention to the cause of this fracas. The lone traveler, who he knew was the priestess without having to see it, lay sprawled on the shingles of shore ice, her shoulder pricked by the blade the Lance held to her. Behind her the Ox lumbered up with a great, jagged ’berg in full press over his head, ready to deliver the coup de grace.

  If he had been less passioned or there had been more time for thought, Pinch surely would have acted differently, considering his own self-interest before all. Instead, against all his sense, he reacted. With a snap, his long dirk flew from his hand and buried itself in the throat of the Ox. Croaking from his shattered windpipe, the fat-swaddled giant jerked up and back until the weight of the ice block he still carried over his head bore the man backward. With two staggered steps he cracked through the frozen riverbank and toppled into the fast-flowing water. The flow churned as it sucked the floundering man away.

  The Lance goggled in surprise, which was the more his mi
stake. Though pricked, the traveler was not pinned. As the Lance hung in indecision between the woman and the menacingly slow advance of Pinch, the choice was taken from him. The mace in her hand lashed out, breaking across his knee. The leg popped out at an unnatural angle and, deprived of his underpinning, the Lance keeled to the side. She struck again, driving the iron into his padded gut hard enough to change his trajectory. The Lance hit the icy stones with an awful crack, jerked, and then didn’t move again.

  Cold, sweaty, and panting, Pinch stumbled across the ice to the woman’s side. With a dripping boot, he gave the Lance a shove; the body rolled almost completely over before it twisted, the head along with it.

  “May Kelimvore grant him swift justice,” the woman intoned as she slowly got to her feet. A trickle of blood ran down her arm, another swath coated her face.

  “More concern than he deserved,” Pinch snarled. Remembering where they were, he looked about for more attackers but the battle was all but won. The bandits had broken and foolishly fled, and now they were the helpless prey of the faster riders. Here, in the land between lands laid claim to by bandits such as these, Cleedis’s men showed no mercy. They were the law and they had friends to avenge.

  “I’m Lissa of the Morninglord’s Temple in Elturel. I think it would be right to say you saved my life.”

  At the mention of her temple, Pinch felt the rise of paranoia in his craw. There could be only one reason why a priestess of Lathander would be this far south, on this particular trail. She must surely be looking for the thieves who desecrated her temple. “A pleasure, surely, to meet you under better circumstance.” Pinch paused to take a steadying breath and consider just what to say next. Certainly “Pinch” was not a good name to use at a moment like this. There was every chance she was familiar with the criminal element of Elturel. Finally, he put on his most valiant smile and, while leading her back to the trail, said what he never thought he would freely tell anyone. “I’m—Janol, ward of the late King Manferic of Ankhapur.”